YEAR ZERO: Tales from the Underground since 2005

FAN FICTION

IM JOINING FAN FICTION: H-ha parodies of funny movies here i cometh.

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on wEDNESDAY 30 July 2008 4.49pm

NEW GIRL BANDS ARE DANCING HOES - THE BANGLES

ANYBODY REMEMBER THE BANGLES: I Mean if your old enough to remember 20 or so years back, now they are back bitching about modern "girl bands" denouncing them as "dancing fools".
couldnt be said any better - well done susanna hoffs - whos now a late 40 something fuddy duddy.
But yeh why dont the NZ Government ban the ~~Pussycat~~ Prostitute dolls from NZ, Hey they banned a rolling stones song back in the 1960s why dont they ban a group of no-talent prostitutes who suck off cock everynight to get what they want, now seriously teila tequiela and her friends should all be forced to dig pits then viciously stoned to death by crowds of angry mujahidins or better yet why not send them to Iran to "perform" - hell these bitch slut hos would be returning to the states in body bags with burnt american flags stapled to there butts.
haha long live shariah justice.

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on wEDNESDAY 30 July 2008 4.44pm

$1000 FIX MY CAR?? NEVER!!!!

I SPAT MORE OUT THAN I COULD CHEW: With the warrant - $1000 to fix my car?? NEVER, i mean what the???....
Its time slike this i sincerely believe the po-po should REALLY be ticketing (and demeriting) slow drivers, persons who fail to indicate, driver who dont look the fuck wher ethere going...cos if the police ignore these and give out tickets for something as trivial as "government administration costs" then i believe people will be bashing up thes low drivers, no-indicator people, pull out in front ofs and frankly to me, these bastards deserve every blow they get - that is unless the police come down hard on these dickweeds.

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on wEDNESDAY 30 July 2008 4.41pm

WOF REGO - SHIT!!!!!.

I JUST REALISED: I thought my wof and reg was to expire tomorrow but it expired on Friday.
Ahh well im taking it in tomorrow for the WOF Anyhoo...any problems with the 5-0 id just tell them "dude theres slow drivers out there why dont you pull them over rather than myself who is obeying the speed limit, using an indicator and all that shit and unless you start oulling over slow drivers. people who dont indicate and that shit other people will start taking vigilante action and trust me they wont be giving out tickets, rather beatings with clubs and shit y'all know know what im sayin".
Rather than the 5-0 waste away there time they should be doing those slow drivers. hell 75 demerit points and a $400 fine plus loss of licences on second and subsequent offences works wonders, weather the fuzzy muff realise it or not SLOW DRIVERS ARE THE REAL MENACE UPON NZ ROADS AND NEED TO BE SEVERELY PUNISHED cos if the coppers dont enforce it, vigulantes armed with baseball bats and metal bars will. END OF STORY.

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Tuesday 29 July 2008 4.50pm

TRAFFIC LIGHTS - LETS RAM THE SIGNAL BOXES.

ITS ABOUT TIME WE SHOULD: Just ram the signal boxes of over 1/2 the traffic lights in wellington - they are red for far too long, they are green for far too short - typically at some only 2-3 cars go thru before the light goes orange again - ITS NO FUCKING WONDER WELLINGTON HAS A HIGH RATE OF RED LIGHT RUNNING AND SPEEDING ACCIDENTS AT TRAFFIC LIGHTS - Motorists are trynna get through fucked up trafic lights its not funny.
Never have i been anywhere in NZ or australia which have seriously fucked up timing mechanisms upon there lights than in wellington - even for pedestrians they are made to wait for eternity like stuffed dummies on the side of the road before the green man goes - and fuck he aint green long enough, people start cussing and swearing (and im known to be a big potty mouth around lights swearing in Samoan abnd threatening on smashing the signal boxes with a hammer) at them because they are so fucked up.
Its time to ram those signal boxes down (unless you mow down a 6 pack and 'accidentally' hit the boxes on your way home or better yet see a traffic signal "walk out in front of you" and take out the lights, roundabouts are by far better (except when donny dickhead behind you honks at you when you have to give way - in that case just get out of your car and beat him or her to a bloody pulp - its called 'corrective discipline/corporal punishment - hey they do that all the time on drivers in Upper Hutt). Hey some drivers need to respect others and not get so fucking pushy at roundabouts otherwise they will be walking away with a shiner or 3.

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Friday 25 July 2008 3.30pm

NEW HARRY POTTER FILM REALLY IS HARRY POTHEAD.

GUESS WHAT: The new harry potter film really is gunna be harry pothead - they say its unsuitable for children as it has previously been because its full of drug references....
These geezers have stolen my ideas - The new Harry pothead film (my one) is still being filmed but the harry potter and the half blood prince can never be outweighed with my latest installment of Harry Pothead - Its gunna have more drugs, more psychedelic shit, more bad trips, even some drive-bys.....a funny as comedy....muahahaha...hey at least my harry potter (or in my case harry pothead) is classified as 'comedy' rather than 'fantasy'.
Shame on you...shame on you for stealing my ideas...shame...shame..shame but nah i only watch harry potter films just to pick up ideas for the harry pothead trilogy....man harry pothead is a hillarious comedy - peace out y'all.

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Thursday 24 2008 4.55pm

THE 21ST CRASHERS.

PLOT: 2 Geeky Slackers Chris Zero and his trusty sidekick The one and only 'H' unintentionally and unwillingly crash a 21st birthday at xxxxx last night with the intent of scoring chicks but there plans are thwarted by an eeeevil bouncer.....
HAHAHAHAHA - Its so funny cos its so true. After having tea with my father and he toddles off to the railway station for upper hutt, i meet up with my trusty sidewkick 'H's place so we can both cause mischeif at many pubs and clubs around town, we then walk into xxx Bar on xxxxx street the dimwitted teenage bouncer opens the door for us an all he says is 'hey man' a few minutes ad beer slater this dude walks up to us....
"hey guys are you here for my 21st, how do i know youse?" to which i said "21st??? i mean we just randomly walked in here", his response was "haha - you guys crack me up come and ill introduce youse to some folk", there where 2 other random walk ins as well just then this chick starts hitting on me "where you work" she says and i tell her "im a loss prevention and recovery officer at xxxxxxx" just then this other bouncer (the eeeevil bouncer) asks me and my mate "are you guys part of the function" to which 'H' Answers "oh is this a private function?" the eeeevil bouncer says "yeeeup" and i say "oh we can cruise off if yoose want" to which he says "yeeup ok just finish your beers, sorry bout that guys but yoose can come back at 11pm when the function is over cheers guys"....
So H Goes home and i toddle off to Boogie Wonderlands where i spend the rest of the night before stumbling onto the 1am bus......
xxxxxx - The name of the bar, street and workplace have been censored for security reasons.

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Saturday 19 July 2008 3.50pm

ITS TIME TO INVADE FIJI.

SO THAT WANKER GAYLORD: Frank Bananrama has cancelled elections in Fiji next year citing that "they are not possible."
Its time Comrade Helen rearms our military and launches a full scale invasion on Fiji, who cares if New Zealand would develop a neo-colonialist aggression platform, Bananarama is gay, he farms his gay boyfriend robert mugaybe everynight, i mean hell Bananarama and Mugaybe should get a civil union.
Ah well if comrade helen does what shes known to do - sit back on her arse and twiddle her thumbs going "dumpdeedoo-dumpdeeday" then at least Johnny Boy Key would assume the role of liberating Fiji come October or November this year.

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Saturday 19 July 2008 3.50pm

A SCHOOL SHOOTING?? BETTER GET THE TUI BILLBOARDS OUT..

A SCHOOL SHOOTING IN NEW ZEALAND: What the????....Its impossible, i cant happen here...
It looks like the Po-Po and the NZBOT are to devise a plan to "prepare themselves" for a case of When not if Columbine or Virginia Tech school style slayings.
So i guess sometime in the future This below hypothetical example will be showing up on our News Screens and newspapers across the country.

"EMO" KID SHOOTS UP SCHOOL, TERRIBLE LOSS OF LIFE
WELLINGTON: SCENES OF CHAOS AND MAYHEM Erupted in a New Zealand secondary school on tuesday when a student described as an outcast "emo freak" ran amok with a military style assault weapon killing 40 students, 2 teachers and a police officer before being later shot dead by police.
The 18 year old Year 13/7th form (12th Grade) student, who was part of the Emo subculture was heavily influenced by bands such as My Chemical Romance, Bullet for my Valentine and AFI and began his killing spree at around 10.20am Just before morning interval as students headed from classes into ther ehome rooms for morning admin. He began shooting, specifically targeting "Preppies" (popular fashionable students), Gangstas (rap and hip hop loving crowd) and "Ruggers" (Jocks or the First IIV rugby Crowd), he planted home-made bombs in the toilets which exploded as students hid in them, those who survived the blasts where shot trying to escape, 2 teachers where also killed in the shooting. Police quickly arrived as the gunman was shooting at students trying to hide in the schools gym, a frantic hunt lead to explosions and several rounds of gunfire coming from the schools library where students where hold up, after a short challenge and heavy firefight the gunman briefly retreated killing more students along the way.
Under orders to fire at the gunman - to shoot him if necessary, a 22 year old police constable approached and challenged the gunman to give himself up and surrender into custody, The gunman refused and fired 2 shots at the police officer who returned 2 shots from his Glock 9 pistol narrowly missing the teenager, unfortunatly the "freak-show looking" gunman fired 5 shots striking the young policeman, he was quickly found by colleagues who triggered another firefight with the gunman but where repulsed and teh gunman fled taking hostages and marchign them into the admin block taking 6 students, the admin staff, principal and deputy principal hostage. As ambulances could not get to the scene until it was deemed safe, the young policeman died at the scene in the arms of his colleages
A lengthy stand off began as members of the Special Tactics Unit and AOS (Armed offenders squad) sealed off the area, but the gunman barricaded himself and his hostages inside planting tripwire bombs warning police and hostages that any attempt to escape or storm the block wold result in a "devastating explosion", after 9 hours the Police decided to storm the block after a teargas assault failed It is not known if the police or gunman triggered a massive explosion that killed moore victims. Those who attempted to leave the firey scene where shot.
Miraculously unscathed the gunman emerged from the firey building firing indiscrimantly shouting the lyrics to Cop Killer a controversial song by US Heavy Metal Band Body Count. It was then believed the gunman shouted "death to pigs, im going to the Black parade" before he was taken out by a police sniper. 15 Hours of carnege was all over at 1am Wednesday.
This morning New Zealand time, Police riaded the home of the gunman, spoke to his parents who where "shocked and stunned that there 'good boy son' could committ such cowardly acts of violence" in what has now become NZs worst ever massacre. Police found documents planning for Operation Chronic Death - the code name for his operation, he boasted that his killing spree would be remarkably similar to that of HELTER SKELTER - The infamous killing spree committed by Charles Manson and his "family" that claimed the life of Sharon Tate and 7 others in 1969. Some lyrics to My Chemical Romance wher ebeing used as "prophetic messages" portraying the Gunmans vision of the Apocalypse much like Manson used the Beatles lyric for the same reason in his Killing Spree. Police then uncovered his website/blog. His last post was only 21 minutes before the shooting began and read "I am going to The Black Parade, (In Emo culture a place where departed Emo go into the afterlife) And on the way down i will be taking the Preppies, Gangstas and Ruggers plus anybody else that gets in my way, Fuck Life and all this Bullshit that its brought, I Now leave it to you, 'Although i'm dead and gone, believe me my memory will go on.- Peace Out". Aptly US Emo Band My Chemical Romance also has a song called "Black Parade".
Once an idyll nation of peace and tranquility New Zealand over the last 20 years has seen many mass shootings, the worst till today was in 1990 whena gunman ran amok in the small seaside township of Aramoana neear the south island city of Dunedin killing 13 people before he, like todays gunman was shot dead by police.

Scary if you think about it huh. But of course this is all made up but if it really did happen, even aptly to this example BOY MY FACE WILL BE RED....
But to conclude it looks like we have a case of a Very, Very Paranoid Police Force.
Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Thursday 17 July 2008 5.01pm

TONY VEITCH IS A WIFE-BEATER.

YOU HEAR ME: Tony veitch is a wifebeater....surely ive always thought he was a wanker ie. yelling when he presented the sports news but going a head and beatin up his former partner is pathetic, paying her hush money is even worse.
Go back to Upper Hutt and wear your checkered flannelette shirt and black singlet ya fucking wanker, Wifebeaters like you hold no place in NZ's public service industry....now go, for the good of the country!!!!

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Monday 14 July 2008 5pm

A VOTWE FOR OBAMA...

..IS A VOTE FOR LOWER PETROL PRICES: When you yanks vote in November choose Obama...petrol will drop in price rapidly...makes a big difference over here as well, especially for us folk like me who think public transport is for jerks and Lesbians.
But i blame George Bush for high petrol prices...he is the apostate, the infidel, the crusader....satans representitive on earth....he must be crushed......God willing.

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Monday 14 July 2008 4.55pm

END OF WEEK TREAT (FOR SABBATH FANS)

HEY FELLOW SABBATH FANS: I Have an end of week treat for youse - from a fellow sabbath fan.
A Very, Very Rare Sabbath Song And i mean this song Was recorded a few months before there 1969 Debut album was released. Sounding typical late 60s Prog/acid/blues/psych rock, Many hendrix/joplin/cream type chords in this song....KICK ASS. Sorry about the 50 second length but that is all that was ever recorded....maybe.....you cannot find the full length. Check it out or shame upon you.

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Friday 11 July 2008 1.17pm

WELLINGTON DRIVERS NEED A HAUL PUT IN

DO WELLINGTONIANS EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE??: I mean so many dickheads out there get there licences from the gutter its not funny.
Driving below the posted speed limit, NOT LOOKING WHERE THE FUCK THERE GOING, Not using there indicators, honking at the car in front of them that is giving way at a give way sign AND its unsafe to move....Now because the police rather ignore this behavior THESE DRIVERS ALL NEED A HAUL PUT IN, Have a cap pumped into there Ass...Yes thats Right, If your a bad driver and get in my way, Ill fuck you up Bitch. Hell they do it all the time in the Hutt (God bless those Barbies and Kens from U/Hutt.)
Im not a road rager, I only finish the shit that other people start.

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Wednesday 9 July 2008 4.59pm

PIMPIN' UP JOHNSONVILLE ROADS

SIMPLE SOLUTIONS CAN PREVENT ACCIDENTS: Or a whole lot of road rage around Johnsonville. It can be simple as using commonsense and fixing up the roads in the area...
Im talkin' about Replacing the Moorefeild Rd/Broderick Rd. Traffic Lights with a roundabout, Making Phillip St, Dr. Taylor Tce, Bannister Avenue and Frankmoore Ave ONE WAY as these roads CANNOT FIT 2 LANES OF CARS UPON THEM Despite Being 2 lanes, whoever painted the centerlane in the middle of the road or whoevers idea it was to make Frankmoore Road 2 lanes should be beaten to a bloody pulp.
A Sinmple $150 sign will help prevent many people getting angry over other people getting there way as well as saving drivers from claiming insurance everytime they have a swipe accident (not that ive yet had one).
And removing the traffic lights (which on the Moorefield rd side are fucked up) and replacing them with roundabouts is far easwier - just got to watch for harry honker (who in turn deserves to get his head smashed into a concrete pole for honking at the car in front of them when its unsafe to move - you know hutt styelz fool!!!)
Hell.....the WCC Should just look to Lower and Upper Hutt as shining examples - very few (if any) narrow roads meaning less swipe acidents and far less road rage over competition for space (the only road rage in the hutt is provoked by bad drivers ie. cutting off, driving too slow, not looking where your going etc etc...). Ive said it before and ill say it again Upper Hutt roads are far more superior than Towns....God Bless the Hutt

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Tuesday 8 July 2008 4.47pm

BARRALOCO!!!!

DAG-NABBIT: I Dangerously overslept today, meant to be up at 11ish but woke at 1425 AND i missed part of Monk.
Ahh well a later piss up tonight - stupid rugby, stupid rugby....

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Saturday 5 July 2008 4.26pm

WELLINGTON TRUCK STRIKE TOPMORROW

AS THEY DID IN SPAIN: There will be a nationwide truckie strike tomorrow and wellington is no exception with MASSIVE Delays expected on all routes in and out of the city.
Just as well i finish at 6am AND am heading north to avoid the southbound chaos beginning at 7am.

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Thursday 3 July 2008 4.24pm

A REAL LIFE SIMPSONS EPISODE

REMEMBER THATS IMPSONS EPISODE: Where bart sells his soul to milhouse and so forth?? well This Wanganui Geezer is doing the same thing....
Lets hope he wasnt cleaning the pipe organs as punishment for giving out the sheet music to Iron Butterlys inna-godda-da-vita and Lets hope that next time he breathes on the ice cream fridge lid that his breath DOES Show up unlike Barts - In't that right "no breath" (thank you Jimbo Jones).

Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Wednesday 2 July 2008 4.14pm

IM A YOUTUBE WHORE

BRAINWAVE: Im lookin for Pirates of the Carribean action figures for my newest Youtube/Bruvvahood Broductions presentation, theyve got to be all male action figures and be avaliable for filming this friday from 12 noon.....
Ill pick these action figures from a toyshop, The warehouse or something.....This comedy film should be up online within a week of production.
Im sure ill look like a fool - A Grown man buying POTC Action Figues...but listen up....its for a fucking film fo' fucks sake fool.
Posted by CHRIS ZERO on Tuesday July 1. 2008 4.49pm

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