Last night I watched an episode of the HBO series The Mind of the Married Man. To those of you familiar with the series, you already know that this is going to be one of those columns where I write something that will get me in trouble. And because of that, I am sure that I have your full attention.
I will provide a brief overview of the show for those of you that aren't familiar with it. The show follows the thought of a thirtysomething married Chicago newspaper columnist (hence the title) as he goes through his seemingly perfect life with his beautiful wife, two year old son, good friends, and crescent fresh job (ill-placed Sifl & Olly reference). His life is perfect, but that doesn't stop him from fantasizing about other women, questioning all his choices, and envying his single buddies.
Last night's episode had four column-worthy plot points: 1) the 3-second rule (more on that in a second), 2) how a significant other is always nicest when they are guiltiest, 3) not being satisfied with a good thing, 4) nice people aren't the best to be friends with. I am willing to put the Glenn-stamp of approval on all of the above, so let me tell you why.
1) The 3-second rule - No matter what kind of relationship you are in, you have the inalienable right to look at a member of the opposite sex for three seconds. If you gazes lingers beyond that, it becomes leering, and you lose your immunity from being yelled at. I should collect all of these little rules of life and put them down in a book. Maybe I coluld title it Glenn's Rules to Livce Your Life By and include such gem's as Don't listen to a band's cd on the way to see them in concert, Don't hook up with someone who is dating someone, and For God's sake always wash your hands when leaving the men's restroom if there are other people in there!!!!!!
2) If someone is a lot nicer than usual, there is a reason - This is sad, but true. On the show, the "protagonist" is being especially nice to his wife because he is feeling excessive guilt about a sensual massage he received. There are only four occasions when I am especially nice to a girlfriend: at the beginning, on a birthday or anniversary, when I am sick, of if I am guilty. Obviously this does not speak well of me, but I would wager that many guys follow this same pattern. I would say that I am usually pretty good to whomever I date, but often I only put in the extra effort if I feel I have a reason. Flirting a little more than I should is such a reason.
3) The grass is always greener - On the show, the main character is married to a beautiful British lady. Chien, who was watching the show with me, asked the obvious question "Why would he consider cheating?" My answer is that there is no truer proverb than "The grass is always greener on the other side". It does not matter how incredible the person you are with is, you cannot help but ask yourself "What if?" You always wonder if there is someone better out there, but that isn't the key fact. More importantly, you always wonder if you could get that person. It is kind of pathetic, but when you are with a person for too long, you always question whether you can still play the game. And then it always blows up in your face.
4) Nice people suck - This was my favorite little subplot of the first episode. The columnist's wife takes full advantage of her husband's newfound niceness, and tries to make him friends with an exceptionally sincere, nice man (read:boring) that they met at a preschool parent's meeting. The show draws the distinction between this nice, involved preschool parent and the columnist's usual loud, obnoxious drinking buddies. Of course, the drinking buddies are compared favorably. Seriously, who wants to be friends with a person who is too nice? It always makes me question how sincere they really are! If you are reading this column, you are almost certainly a friend of mine, so rest assured that I don't think you are that nice (this is a compliment). Some might argue that Rizzo would be the exception to this rule, but if you believe this, you don't really know Rizzo.
I have read reviews where this show has been panned, one even saying "If this is how men really think, than the world is in trouble." Unfortunately, this is how many of us do think. I know I have a tendency to make broad statements when I really only mean me, but I believe that most men are wired to think like this. Society calls this immaturity. Without a doubt, I am afflicted with that disease.
9-15-02 - Sunday Musings
9-10-02 - Cheating on My Wife
9-9-02 - How to lose Money W/O Even Trying
9-8-02 - Summer Recap
7-25-02 - Randomly Collected Thoughts
7-23-02 - Rice Standards
7-18-02 - Thursday Musings
7-17-02 - Life Decision
7-16-02 - GAY CLUB Rules
7-15-02 - Cell Phone Roulette
7-12-02 - Friday Thoughts
7-9-02 - Vacation Rules
7-5-02 - Threesome Etiquette
7-2-02 - More Reader's Mail
7-1-02 - The Tubing Trip
6-28-02 - Guest on Cheating
6-27-02 - Semi-Political Ramblings
6-25-02 - Ode to the Marquis
6-21-02 - The It Factor
6-20-02 - Some More Ramblings
6-17-02 - Reader Mail
6-14-02 - Encore, Please
6-13-02 - Birthday Thoughts
6-11-02 - Soccer Masturbation
6-8-02 - Objective Ratings
6-6-02 -Thursday Thoughts
6-5-02 - World Cup Bandwagon Jumping
6-4-02 - Mayer, Comfortable
ARCHIVES
1) "World Destruction" - Johnny Rotten and Afrika Bambaata
2) "Get it Together" - Beastie Boys and A Tribe Called Quest
3) "Alphabet Aerobics" - Blackilicious
4) "In My Place" - Coldplay
5) "Outsmarted" - The Hives
6) "Highly Evolved" - The Vines
7) "Friday Night" - G. Love and Special Sauce
8) "Big Butts and Blowjobs" - The Scabs
9) "Aw Naww" - Nappy Roots
10) "Turn" - Travis
1) I never once attended every class in a given week.
2) I only kissed seven girls while in college.
3) I have fewer than five friends from colleges other than Lovett.
4) I lived with 15 different people while in school.
5) I was only single for approximately three months.
