CAST OF CHARACTERS
Glenn - As always, our hero. What adventures are in store for him this time?
Jeff - Latin Heartthrob, Gracious Supplier, The King, possible deviant?
Kevin - My sidekick (Ed. note: jk, Kevin). Friend, comic relief, voice of reason?
Jennifer - Is she as innocent as her reputation? We (excl. Kevin) hope not.
Susan - Our leader, organizer, and muse. But can she keep her clothes on?
Cindy - Sarah's mom, but oh, so much more. Can she keep her clothes on?
Greg - Cindy's boyfriend. Can't help but assume he is who I'll be in six years or so.
Miriam - Didn't know her before, don't know her now. But,um, she's nice.
SUMMARY OF FRIDAY'S EVENTS
Leave Houston at 8:45...drink lots on way up...make numerous bathroom breaks, including at a tractor factory and in a field...Girls peeing in a field is always funny, something about the word "squat"...arrive, set up tents.
SATURDAY
12:00 AM - Let the serious drinking commence...
12:15 - I keep trying to get Jennifer to call random people with my cell phone. For some reason, I find this hysterical. Unfortunately, no one answers.
12:30 - Miriam and Cindy turn in..regrettablly this development doesn't affect our volume level.
1:30 - Introduced to the culinary delicacy of carrots marinated in Italian dressing. It is amazingly good...So far on camping with this group, I have learned about this and the incredible taste of Ranch dressing on turkey and roast beek sandwiches. Mmm, mmm good
2:15 - We have polished off all of the beer. Time for a walk and a, ummm smoke...this is Greg's cue to exit.
2:30 - Five loud, drunk twentynothings walking through a silent, crowded camp site with a thick cloud of strong smelling smoke around us. We're nothing if not discrete.
2:33 - Jeff is no longer wearing a shirt. Why? How? Questions best left unasked.
2:45 - I steal a bottle of water from some random, unattended cooler. Stealing can be such a rush, and no one really gets hurt...Free Winona!
2:50 - Borrow a mysterious bottle in a different cooler, take a swig...yep its vodka. Fortunately, Kevin steps up and makes me return it.
3:15 - We're back at the campsite and my cell phone rings. Let me repeat, my cell phone rings at 3:15 AM. Two thoughts on the possible identity of the caller: 1) Someone in my party is screwing around, 2) Someone died. In reality, its Jeremy, my much-missed former roommate who Jennifer called on my phone earlier in the night. This is funny for a multitude of reason.
3:30 - After Jeremy is passed around the circle, we all decide to turn in. Let me explain the sleeping arrangements...in Tent One, its Jennifer and Susan, in Tent Two, Jeff, Kevin and I. Not what you fantasize about when taking two attractive girls out camping.
3:45 - Somehow I'm stuck sleeping bitch. Still, I feel worse for Kevin. I snore and I have heard Jeff described as the "King of all Snorers".
4:10 - ...A title that is not a hyperbole. I decide that Saturday night, I'll do anything to sleep away from Jeff...
5:30 - I wake up and realize Jeff's arm is around me. Momentarily paralyzed, I quickly recover and shove him across the tent. Deeply scarred, I sleep uncomfortably close to Kevin th rest of the night.
7:30 - Time to wake up...sleeping late in a tent is impossible. If they are ever looking for new immunity challenges for Survivor, they should see which contestant can stay in a sleeping bag in a tent in the morning for the longest amount of time. I'm sure that is a rite of passage in some tribe somewhere.
8:30 - Jeff, Kevin, and I head to the store to purchase ice, milk, oj, and beer. This is the first of three trips to purchase beer today,
9:00 - I drink coffee, Jeff cracks open the morning's first beer. What a champ.
10:00- Greg gets us moving up to go go get the intertubes so that we can get out early to beat the predicted rain. We pack two coolers filled to the brim with beer, liquor, and even a little food.
10:25 - Rain momentarily hits hard, we decide to take the 2 and a half hour route instead of the four hour one.
10:40 AM - 1:45 PM- Tubing down the Guadalupe--Let me just provide the highlights. Going down the multiple rapids...wheeee!. Finishing off all of the beer, allegedly...Getting beached numerous times...Kevin taking roughly 26 bathroom breaks...Greg and Cindy falling in spectacular fashion (good old physical comedy)...Overcoming the ridiculous temptation to untie Susan's and Jennifer's bikini tops (Ed. Note: The girls were insistent that we couldn't untie them because they were double-knotted...they expressed this little tidbit multiple times. Amazingly, I do know how to untie double knots...I have been tying my shoes this way since age 6. Unbelievably I can untie them too.) After three hours of straight drinking, I still feel sober.
1:50 PM - Unload everything on the shore by the campsite. Jennifer gets up and realizes how drunk she is.
1:51 - I help her walk up the hill because she is terrified that she can't make it.
1:51:30 - I turn my back because someone calls my name.
1:51:31- I turn back around and Jennifer is falling to the ground in spectacular fashion. I start laughing hysterically.
1:53 - I finally stop laughing and help her up...everyone else was too drunk and oblivious to notice.
2:02 - Jennifer and Susan head off to the showers together... Bow shikka bow bow.
2:05 - Kevin, Jeff, Greg, and I head to the showers together. Here is an opportunity for any number of untold "drop the soap" jokes, but I'll show some restraint.
2:15 - Walk with Jennifer to the store to buy more beer..they don't even card her. On the way back, I try to convince her that we need to sleep together that night. (Ed. note: Reasons to do this- a) The obvious one, B) We have a streak to uphold of sleeping together (innocently, I swear) on our trips, C) As previously mentioned, I had to get away from Jeff.)
2:20 - Attempt to convince her that all we have to do is get Jeff, Kevin and Susan to have a threesome. I site past case evidence, and somehow get her to believe this is a possibility. Maybe law school is the right track for me...if all of my juries are drunk.
2:40 - Two occurrences, Jennifer goes to take a nap, Kevin, Greg, Susan and Jeff begin a game of asshole.
2:41 - I go to drink by myself and read a magazine, while they start the game.
3:21 - Finish the magazine, start a book, still drinking by myself. The game continues.
4:00 - Stop reading, go play with a puppy at a neighboring campsite. To all of you doubters, I'm a good guy. I play with puppies when I'm drinking. Still am not drunk.
4:18 - But the "Asshole" players are. Susan and I have a literary conversation...Glenn - I'm reading Empire Falls. Susan- I'm reading this one book...its really good. I like it a lot. You should read it, but I'm reading it. (Ed. note: Forgot to add all of the slurs to the her words)
4:20 - Jeff and I smoke with a sheriff's car in our line of sight. And thirty other people around. Again, discretion isn't our best trait.
4:35 - Jeff and I head off to the store. They sell the obviously drunk Jeff some Lone Star and Natty Light. He tries on about 15 pairs of sunglasses, before deciding on marshmallows and marshmallow roasting sticks. Otherwise known as hangers.
4:50 - Marathon game of asshole continues, now at the highest of high comedy. No one knows what position they are.
5:15 - Miriam and Cindy are back from an undisclosed location. Jeff wakes up Jennifer, dinner is put on the grill.
5:20 - Cindy asks me some question about my girlfriend... I mention we recently broke up. She then tries to convince us how cute Jennifer and I are together.
5:25 - Sometime, in the course of this conversation, I offhandedly complain "I almost don't remember how to be single." Susan, walking by and presumably not paying attention, turns and says w/o missing a beat, "I can show you." (Ed. note: Tied for 1st place, in the first annual "Thinly Veiled Sexual Comments about Glenn Contest".
6:00 - Win $6 off of an increasingly intoxicated Jeff in cards.
6:45 - Eat dinner, rain is pouring down now. Everything is gettin cold, wet, muddy. Us five youngsters decide it is best to try to squeeze into the boys' three person tent.
6:55 - Let me set the scene. From farthest from door to closest - Jeff, Susan, Jennifer, me. Kevin has no place to lay so he somehow got stuck in a corner. He looks none too happy.
7:00 - The dealmaking begins. I let Jeff out of the $6 he owed me if he'd go get his pipe and supplies. He soon comes back, tracking a ton of mud with him. It looked like a scene from Woodstock '94
7:15 - Large supply, poorly ventilated tent, use your imagination. The rest of the campground didn't have to. We really need to learn discretion...btw, I am somehow still not drunk, despite drinking for about 9 straight hours. I can't explain it...it is starting to get me down. I must ahve Super Powers.
7:18 - The words "Strip Poker" come out, leading to the following conversation:
Jen: I'm only wearing 4 pieces
Susan: I'm only wearing two.
Glenn: Me too:
Jennifer (looking at me suspiciously in my long sleeved t-shirt and pajama pants):You aren't wearing underwear?
Glenn : No
Jennifer (grinning, says involuntarily): That's exciting! Wait, did I say that out loud(The other co-champion of the inaugural "Thinly Veiled Sexual Comments about Glenn Contest".)
7:20 - Cindy, Greg, and Miriam decide to get out of the rain and leave to stay at a friends house in town. We're invited, but decline. I decide my sobriety is a good thing..I sense I could be driving later.
7:25 - Jennifer keeps telling everyone she is a "dirty girl", then giggling.
7:30 - Deal # 2 - Susan offers to take her bikini top off if I go get the alcohol and take my shirt off. I was out of the tent before she finished the sentence. The deal held up. (Ed. Note: Most one-sided deal since Astros got Jeff Bagwell for Larry Anderson).
7:35 - "Jeff" grabs Jennifer's breasts. She starts yelling at him, and after initially denying it, he admits to liking it a lot. I make eye contact with Susan, and she mouths the phrase "I did it". We laugh hysterically.
7:42 - Now, both Jeff and Susan are fondling Jennifer. Someone comments that I'm not, leading Jennifer to say, "Just go ahead and do it, Glenn". I don't do it. Man Headquarters, I can explain. Really, I can...please let me keep my testicles.
7:43 - I do remove Jennifer's bikini top, proving my mastery of the double knot. Susan puts it on. Jennifer, unfortunately, is wearing a t-shirt at the time.
7:45 - Deal #3. Jeff goes out in the rain to get food, Jennifer and Susan kiss, with tongue for ten seconds...then Jennifer removes Susan top with her teeth. Jeff shoots for the bottoms, but the girls are having none of it. 7:50 - After forgetting what he was supposed to get a few times, Jeff returns to the tent with the necessary supplies...but he is too far gone to remember he made the deal in the first place. I would remind him, but it is too funny. The deal falls through.
8:10 - Kevin convinces us we should head in out of the rain to Cindy's friends house. We imagine we'll just sit around there and tell stories and drink until we all pass out.
8:20 - The rain has slowed down to a sprinkle, Jeff crawls out of the tent to gether himself
8:21 - Kevin crawls out of the tent. I look over and see that neither Jennifer or Susan makes a motion to move. I quickly roll over Jennifer to be in between them.
*EMERGENCY - CHOOSE GLENN'S ADVENTURE * Should I:
a) Get out of the tent and get ready to go to the house?
b) Usher Jennifer out of the tent and try to hook up with Susan?
c) Usher Susan out of the tent and try to hook up with Jennifer?
d) Attempt to live every guy's dream?
8:55 - So we pull into Cindy's friend Cherry's driveway. Man HQ, they are currently in the mail. The house is too nice and staid to bring in the cooler,and we quickly realize we are not too really welcome.
9:10 - I realize I have a big problem...my drawstring has rescinded into the hole on my only layer of defence, my pajamas pants. I am overcome with this fear of my pants falling off. Kevin assures me he shares that fear.
9:20 - After working on it for ten minutes, I'm getting frustrated. I tell Jennifer that I need a hand. She doesn't bite.
9:22 - Jennifer relays my conundrum to Susan, who helpfully lends a hand. Susan, Camping Trip MVP.
9:23 - Think distracting thoughts, avoid the embarassing situation. Margaret Thatcher on a cold day, Margaret Thatcher on a cold day. The little guy come through like a champ.
9:25 - Susan: How did it get stuck in there?; Me (in all seriousness): You see the head is much bigger than the rest of it.
9:27 - The head of the clothespin, the drawstring removal tool, breaks. I say, "Well I guess that means you have to use your teeth." Somehow I have made those three comments in a 7 minute span and not been slapped. I live a golden life.
9:40 - Success!! I fix my drawstring problems after only a half an hour of effort. All I had to do was poke a hole in my pants with a screwdriver.
9:45 - Susan and Jeff are watching tv with the family, Kevin is debating whether to sleep or not. Jennifer and I keep giggling hysterically about everything.
9:50 - Kevin decides to shower, to re-energize, and we'll proceed to try to have some fun. I foot wrestle Jennifer, but that gets old quick.I take the time to look around the house. The bookshelf is incredibly odd...there are only about twelve books, but lots of pictures. The strange thing about these pictures is that they don't look like they are people who would have anything to do with each other...About half look like they belong somewhere in Beverly Hills while the other half look like they are from Kid Rock's childhood scrapbook. It was like these family members had been assembled at random.
10:00 - Jennifer and I go outside and walk down the steps and go sit by the river. It was a nice time...I share with her that I feel like the Nick Carraway of my own life, commenting, observing and critiquing while staying only marginally involved. (It isn't nice and pretentious to quote myself like that, especially when making a literary reference?) Jennifer notices that we are the only real troopers of Team Fun, a Memorial Day Weekend reference.
10:25 - We decide to go back up, wake everyone up, and screw propriety by drinking in the house.
10:30 - Kevin is almost asleep, he seems a little angry that we left him, but he quickly agrees to the new plan.
10:40 - We actually manage to wake Susan and Jeff up
10:45 - ...long enough for them to switch rooms and steal our couches.
11:00 - With the thought of fun out the window, we get some drinks and sit down to watch tv. We can hear Jeff, three rooms away.
11:25 - Kevin becomes my new favorite person by treating us to Whataburger.
11:45 - He is no longer my favorite person after he insists on watching the Food Network.
SUNDAY
12:15 AM - I drift off to sleep, with the Iron Chef competing in the background. The special ingredient was scallions.
6-28-02 - Guest on Cheating
6-27-02 - Semi-Political Ramblings
6-25-02 - Ode to the Marquis
6-21-02 - The It Factor
6-20-02 - Some More Ramblings
6-17-02 - Reader Mail
6-14-02 - Encore, Please
6-13-02 - Birthday Thoughts
6-11-02 - Soccer Masturbation
6-8-02 - Objective Ratings
6-6-02 -Thursday Thoughts
6-5-02 - World Cup Bandwagon Jumping
6-4-02 - Mayer, Comfortable
6-3-02 - Mayer, City Love
5-30-02 - Thursday Thoughts
5-29-02 - Memorial Day Weekend
5-23-02 - Thursday Random Thoughts
5-20-02 - NBA Lottery
5-19-02 - Reader's mail
5-18-02 - New Cow Theory
5-17-02 - Graduation
5-16-02 - More Ramblings
5-10-02 - Marriage, Ugh
ARCHIVES
