They're getting older
I wonder if they've
wished for anything better
While in their memories
tiny tragedies." - "No Such Thing" - John Mayer
June 8, 2002 - the biggest fear I have is that of regret. i fear that i'll marry the wrong girl and look back with regret that i didn't explore every option until i knew that it was perfect. i fear that i'll regret not marrying the perfect girl and choosing to explore my batchelorhood instead. i fear that i'll go down the path of least resistance towards a moderately satisfying job and i will regret not searching for something i'm passionate about. (btw, i'm doing that pretentious e e cummings thing where i don't capitalize. you like it? Me neither.)
Honestly, I know that I'll make some mistakes...life would be no fun if I didn't. I have no advice for myself or anyone else about the relationship thing, but I think I can help all of you with the career option. I know what you are thinking...why should I take career advice from a barely competent legal assistant whose future is admittedly in flux? Well, my dear friends, I would like to present you with a business opportunity. I can't take credit for the idea, this one came from Kevin, but I am ready to serve as marketing manager and invest some start-up cash. Without further ado, let me present to you the:
OBJECTIVE "GAME" RATINGS (OGR)
Obviously certain guys don't have a chance with certain girls...no matter how much charm Lyle Lovett has, he isn't going to pull a Julia...wait bad example. You get the idea though, your not going to see Catherine Zeta-Jone with an Iowa goat herder. The goat herder can still do well for himself...he could end up with the Iowa Pork Queen, Dawn Kruger. This is where the OGR service comes in. The OGR is a way for people to measure how well they are doing with the opposite sex for what they have to work with. Or as we Nebraskans say, it is a way to tell what quality of tail you are pulling. Let me explain how it works. First, an individual has to be evaluated by an objective screener. After the exhaustive evaluation process, the Screener will issue a grade for the individual between 1-100. Each applicant starts with a grade of 50 (average) and points are added or subtracted based on looks, intelligence, personality, job, etc. To demonstrate, let's use myself as an example:
50
-10 (balding, but not yet bald)
+20 (intelligent)
-9 (overweight)
+4 (good trivia skills)
+8 (can be charming)
+3 (quasi-athletic)
+4 (good music taste)
+5 (salaried employment)
-6 (boring job)
-9 (small hands, feet, and)
+7 (good "other" skills)
+5 (interesting friends)
+3 (no known diseases)
-4 (moderatey arrogant and self-absorbed)
TOTAL - 71 (above average catch)
The next obvious question is what does one do with this rating. Simply put, it is used to measure how much game you have. If I, as a 71, get play from an 80, my OGR is +9. If in a drunken haze, I end up with a 42 the next night, my OGR for that encounter is a -29. Cumulatively, my OGR is a -20. This will help your friends know if you have been hooking up, or hooking down. There is one additional item I must note...you are not allowed to give out your rating to someone of the opposite sex prior to hooking up with them. This is to prevent from corrupting the process in any way...if you share your rating, than that encounter will not count towards your cumulative OGR. I am ready to quit my job and move full force into the OGR business...if anyone wants their own personal objective rating, I will be happy to help out. BTW, someone please write a guest column so we can get a new perspective up here.
6-6-02 -Thursday Thoughts
6-5-02 - World Cup Bandwagon Jumping
6-4-02 - Mayer, Comfortable
6-3-02 - Mayer, City Love
5-30-02 - Thursday Thoughts
5-29-02 - Memorial Day Weekend
5-23-02 - Thursday Random Thoughts
5-20-02 - NBA Lottery
5-19-02 - Reader's mail
5-18-02 - New Cow Theory
5-17-02 - Graduation
5-16-02 - More Ramblings
5-10-02 - Marriage, Ugh
5-9-02 - Thursday Ramblings
5-8-02 - Inflatable Goats
5-7-02 - Temporary Fan Status
5-6-02 - Dinner Party
5-5-02 - Reader Mail
5-4-02 - Cast of Characters
ARCHIVES
1) "Haligh, Haligh, a Lie Haligh" - Bright Eyes (Conor Oberst of Omaha's burgeoning music scene)
2) "The World Exploded in Love" - Bob Schneider
3) "Hate to Say I told you So" - The Hives
4) "Electric Relaxation" - Tribe Called Quest
5) "Warning" - Incubus
6) "Improvise" - Jurassic 5
7) "Natalie Portman" - Ozma
8) "When the Stars Go Blue" - Bono & The Corrs
9) "Let's Get it On" - Marvin Gaye
10) "Tired of Sex" - Weezer
Angela Batchelder
Tricia Theel
That Japanese foreign exchange student
Brandy (I can't believe I forgot your last name)
Christine Donaghy
Nikki Nime
Mandi Montgomery
Sandy Davison
Miriam Bentley
