FRIEND: In the midst of my studies of cost/benefit analysis, I had an interesting thought. What does it mean to cheat (in a relationship sense)? Just because you are with somebody, does that mean you are with them until it goes bad? It seems very fatalistic. What if you meet someone else? If you hook up, then go back to your sig. other, yeah, that's cheating. What if you hookup after making a conscious decision to break up, but before you tell them? The correct thing to do would be to see the opportunity, take a time out to break up, go back to the opportunity.That's not realistic though, opportunities pass. What if you act on one with the knowledge it is a one time thing? If you're married- it's bad. If you are in a long term relationship, pretty bad. What if you have only been dating the girl briefly? Is it less bad because you have less to lose? Do you really lose anything? These are bad thoughts, I know. It seems strange that many people have superficial relationships; they hold them up as gospel, and miss out on so much of their youth. I just seems wrong in a way.
MY RESPONSE: I don't know where to start...First of all, the buddy in me wants to preface all of the following with the phrase "Way to go!" I have to agree with a lot of what you said. Cheating is obviously bad in cases of marriage or long-term relationships because of mutually defined standards...in a lot of ways, cheating is like reneging on a contract and the cheater is at fault. When a relationship is shorter and/or less defined, cheating is easier to justify. The odds of reaching such a level of commitment with a new significant other are slight...Living in the moment can be much more important than some misplaced sense of loyalty. The question that vexes me most is whether the decision to break up is equal to the break-up itself. If you decide, can you pursue the option in front of you? I have done that once before, and even though I followed through with the break-up, I felt extremely guilty about it afterwards. I have two other questions...1) Is it cheating when you hook-up with another girl while you and your girlfriend are technically seeing other people even though you are more or less together? I have done that once and regretted it, though I can't say I felt like it cheated. 2) Is cheating ok when you cheat on someone you don't care about with someone you love? Obviously you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone you don't give two shits about, but I have done this one too. And I never felt bad about it.
FRIEND: I think you put it best when you talked about a misplaced sense of loyalty. It's interesting, though--after writing to you, I wrote to my girl. On the way home, I had a total change of mind. I wouldn't call it guilt, I just thought that things with my girlfriend are so good, I would be stupid to let one opportunity ruin it. i then saw the opportunity, but I did behave. We talked, she is sitting behind me right now, but we have just been walking around town--I keep asking myself what in the hell I am doing. Anyways, it is kind of like you said--the situation where you decide to break up with your girl may sound justified, but later you may not see things in the same way. I don't want to do anything I regret, but at th same time, how much would I be missing out on? We'll see...
MY NEVER-SENT JERRY SPRINGERESQUE FINAL WORD ON THE MATTER: I honestly don't know what the best answer to this is. It is easy to moralize and condemn cheating as always being wrong, but I gotta believe there are exception. I think you have to decide if the relationship is worth protecting...sure, everyone has to sacrifice some in a relationship, but being committed should not feel like a sacrifice. If it does, maybe its time to move on. You always have to way your options...is the life experience and fun that you get out of the experience worth the hurt you will cause your significant other (and maybe even yourself)? If you can look yourself in the mirror and honestly tell yourself yes, then go for it. If you can't, back away. Just make sure you are not drunk when making the decision.
6-27-02 - Semi-Political Ramblings
6-25-02 - Ode to the Marquis
6-21-02 - The It Factor
6-20-02 - Some More Ramblings
6-17-02 - Reader Mail
6-14-02 - Encore, Please
6-13-02 - Birthday Thoughts
6-11-02 - Soccer Masturbation
6-8-02 - Objective Ratings
6-6-02 -Thursday Thoughts
6-5-02 - World Cup Bandwagon Jumping
6-4-02 - Mayer, Comfortable
6-3-02 - Mayer, City Love
5-30-02 - Thursday Thoughts
5-29-02 - Memorial Day Weekend
5-23-02 - Thursday Random Thoughts
5-20-02 - NBA Lottery
5-19-02 - Reader's mail
5-18-02 - New Cow Theory
5-17-02 - Graduation
5-16-02 - More Ramblings
5-10-02 - Marriage, Ugh
5-9-02 - Thursday Ramblings
ARCHIVES
1) "11AM" - Incubus
2) "What it Is" - Mark Knopfler
3) "That Was a Crazy Game of Poker" - O.A.R.
4) "Somehow Someday - Ryan Adams
5) "Slam" - Onyx
6) "Stephanie Says" - Velvet Underground
7) "Cut Your Hair" - Pavement
8) "Nuthin but a 'G' Thang" - Dr. Dre
9) "Do You Right" - 311
10) "Fuck tha Police" - NWA
John Mayer
Black Eyed Peas
Incubus
(well before, my proudest moment until Brandon Boyd was on the cover of YM)
Outkast
Jimmy Eat World
(I sorta regret that now)
