7-2-02 - More Reader's Mail
7-1-02 - The Tubing Trip
6-28-02 - Guest on Cheating
6-27-02 - Semi-Political Ramblings
6-25-02 - Ode to the Marquis
6-21-02 - The It Factor
6-20-02 - Some More Ramblings
6-17-02 - Reader Mail
6-14-02 - Encore, Please
6-13-02 - Birthday Thoughts
6-11-02 - Soccer Masturbation
6-8-02 - Objective Ratings
6-6-02 -Thursday Thoughts
6-5-02 - World Cup Bandwagon Jumping
6-4-02 - Mayer, Comfortable
6-3-02 - Mayer, City Love
5-30-02 - Thursday Thoughts
5-29-02 - Memorial Day Weekend
5-23-02 - Thursday Random Thoughts
5-20-02 - NBA Lottery
5-19-02 - Reader's Mail
5-18-02 - New Cow Theory
5-17-02 - Graduation
5-16-02 - More Ramblings
ARCHIVES
THREESOME ETIQUETTE
Here's the scenario: You are an everyday Average Joe...you are no Brad Pitt, but you aren't Carrot Top either. At some point in your average life, you deserve to get it on with two girls at the same time. Seems reasonable enough, right?
Being fairly intelligent and realizing that these things don't fall into your lap, you decide to do your homework. You read articles in Maxim and FHM on how to score a threesome. You engross yourself in the teachings of the Kama Sutra. Most importantly, you do the prep work...subtly, patiently planting the idea in your girl's head over a few months. Then one magical night, after your regular Tuesday night trip to the Marquis, you find yourself receiving a topless massage from BOTH your hot girlfriend and her sexually experienced friend! Happy Birthday Average Joe!!!!
Well, friend, I'd buy you a beer, but you are far from home free...with double the pleasure comes double the duty...and you've got a lot of room to fuck things up. Fortunately for both of us, I have done my research and compiled a list of the seven most important things to remember DURING a threesome. Memorize it, post it on the big mirror above your bed...whatever it takes to ensure success on your big night.
1) Have confidence, brotha - This should be a no brainer, but it is essential to your success. Chicks dig confidence...act a little wishy-washy and you'l be talking for years about the one that got away. Get the clothes off fast, talk smoothly...shit, I don't need to hold your hand if you have gotten this far! Just let the Average Joe charm work its magic.
2) Put your girl first - The goal here is repeat performance, so concentrate your efforts here on the girl who really matters. The other girl may be hot, but she's not the one you'll have to answer to in the morning. By definition, it is a threesome, so you do have the right to get on both women. When you find yourself getting evil looks from your girlfriend as you go down on her friend...well, do the right thing and shift your focus for a while. In fact, if this is your girl's first threesome, most experts recommend that you do not actually have intercourse with the other girl. use your best judgement...if you think there is any chance of future threesomes, play it close to the vest. Otherwise, just fuck her.
3) Stick with what you know - Think now is the right time to ask for that rim job you have always wanted? Negative, ghost rider. Just because you have been lucky enough to live out one of your fantasies, doesn't mean that you should go for broke. Both girls are probably a bit nervous as it is, and the last think you want to do is spook them into leaving you as a solo act. Good rule of thumb: Don't try anything now that you haven't already done with your girl. So save the asskissing for later, yeah?
4) Play to your strengths - When your two girls are showering together in the locker room the next day, you want them to be talking about you, right? Hell, you want them bragging to ALL of their friends about what a pro you were in bed. Obviously, you need to put out a stellar perfoemance. Does your girl always talk about how she likes that thing you do with your tongue? Do it. That one position that always does it for her? Limber up, my friend. Do whatever is necessary to keep the focus away from your 4-inch penis...on a warm day.
5) Multitask - If you please one girl and leave the other hanging, you have failed and you can forget about an encore performance. Take some advice from the Kama Sutra...you've got two hands, a tongue, and a dick. Use them all my son. That being said...
6) Encourage, don't force, girl on girl - The best way to get something done is to have someone else do it for you. And, yes, we have to address that it is every male's fantasy to be the voyeur while two girl's have sex. You don't think that lesbian porn was invented for lesbians, do you? And unless you've got some mad game, chances are the two girls are partially there to enjoy each other. Don't pull a Tom Green...just subtly encourage the girls to enjoy each others bodies. If your girl isn't down with the scene, drop it and cover her shift. If she is down and the other girl protests, slap the other girl and tell her to get her shit together.
7) Don't cum for as long as humanly possible - With two girls getting you off, your orgasm is not a matter of if...only when. Well, come to think of it, I guess that's true with one girl two...nevermind, let's continue. Let's pretend that you, following your handy guide above, have thoroughly pleased both girls and still not managed to blow your load...way to go, champ. At risk of losing their dignity, these girls will make it their crusade to make you cum. And that, my friend, is a very good thing.
Ed. Note : Kevin did not choose to explore the remote possibility that you could find yourself in a two guy, one girl threesome. Let me lay out the ground rules...if it is with your girlfriend, this is not, EVER, ok. If it is with, say, Katie Holmes, then this is most certainly ok. If this is with Katit Holmes, who also happens to be your girlfriend, then bro, you don't need to be taking advice from me. In fact, never read my column again...your time can be better spent.
1) "Tribute" - Tenacious D
2) "Cow Girl" - Underworld
3) "Flaming Juner" - BT
4) "Halcion and On" - Orbital
5) "Faded" - Ben Harper
6) "Teardrop" - Massive Attack
7) "Paranoid Android" - Radiohead
8) "Angel of Harlem" - U2
9) "Tunnel of Love" - Dire Straits
10) "Patience" - Guns and Roses
11) Ditty - Paperboy (Do you know this song? Please someone let me you know that you do! In 8th grade, this was bangin'!)
5 Rad Video Games
Grand Theft Auto III
Tony Hawk III
Madden 2002
Hot Shots Golf 3
Final Fantasy X
