Parodies
Parody of the 15-Minute Hamlet by Tom Stoppard and of the Fellowship of the Ring.
[Person walks across stage, carrying placard saying "BOOK I"]
Bag End:
[Gandalf and Bilbo walk across stage.]
Gandalf: Stick to your plan-your whole plan, mind-and I hope it will turn out for the best, for you, and for all of us.
Bilbo: I hope so. Anyway I mean to enjoy myself on Thursday, and have my little joke.
Gandalf: Who will laugh, I wonder?
Bilbo: We shall see.
[Exit: Gandalf]
Party:
[Enter: Party Guests]
Bilbo: My dear People
All: Hear, Hear, Hear, Hear, Hear, Hear, Hear, Hear, Hear, Hear, (etc. through rest of Bilbo's speech.)
Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots.
Odo Proudfoot: ProudFEET!
Bilbo: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. I regret to announce that this is the END. I am going. I am leaving NOW. GOOD-BYE!
[Bilbo runs offstage, chased by all the party guests.]
Bag End:
[Enter Frodo, Gandalf, and Sam (hiding behind a wall)]
Gandalf: Give me the Ring for a moment. (throws Ring into fire, retrieves it.) Look closely.
Frodo: I cannot read the fiery letters.
Gandalf: One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. (stops and listens. Grabs Sam) Well, bless my beard! Sam Gamgee is it? What have you heard, and why did you listen?
Sam: Mr. Frodo, sir! Don't let him turn me into anything unnatural!
Gandalf: Get up Sam! I have thought of something better than that. You shall go with Mr. Frodo!
Sam: Hooray!
[Exit Gandalf]
Shire Road:
[Enter Merry & Pippin]
Sam: I can hear a pony or a horse coming along the Road behind. (Hobbits hide. Riders rides back and forth across the stage. Off stage singing) Elves, sir!
[Enter Gildor]
Gildor: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Frodo: Go not to the Elves for council for they will say both no and yes.
[Gildor gives Frodo funny look, exits.]
River Withywindle:
Merry: This is the River Withywindle. Must have nap. It's cool under the willows.
(He & Pippin sit by tree and are eaten)
Frodo: Help! Help! Help!
[Enter Tom Bombadil]
Tom: Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo! Ring a dong! Hop along! Fal lal the willow! Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo. (Tree spits out Merry & Pippin, Tom disappears, singing) Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow; Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.
[Exit Tom]
Barrow-downs:
[Enter Wight. Wight grabs All but Frodo, Exit all but Frodo]
Frodo: Sam! Pippin! Merry!
Others: Hoy! Frodo! Hoy! Help!
Frodo: Where are you?
[Enter Wight]
Wight: Here. I am waiting for you!
Frodo: Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo! By water wood and hill, by the reed and willow, By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us! Come, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!
[Enter Tom]
Tom: Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow, Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow. None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master: His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster.
[Wight runs away. Exit Tom. Enter Sam, Merry & Pippin]
Prancing Pony:
[Enter Bree-folk and Strider]
Frodo (standing on table): We are all very much gratified by the kindness of your reception, and I venture to hope that my brief visit will help to renew the old ties of friendship between the Shire and Bree.
All: A song! A song! A song! Come on now, master, sing us something that we haven't heard before!
Frodo: There is an inn, a merry old inn,
Beneath an old grey hill,
And there they brew a beer so brown
That the Man in the Moon himself came down
One night to drink his fill.
(jumps behind table, reappears on other side of stage next to Strider)
Strider: You have put your foot in it! Or should I say your finger?
Frodo: I don't know what you mean.
Strider: Oh yes you do. Mr Baggins, I should like a quiet word with you. You may hear something to your advantage.
[Exit Bree-folk]
Frodo: What have you to say?
Strider: Several things, but of course, I have my price.
Frodo: What do you mean?
Strider: Don't be alarmed! I will tell you what I know, and give you some good advice-but I shall want a reward. You must take me along with you, until I wish to leave you.
Frodo: Oh indeed. I should not agree to any such thing, until I knew a good deal more about your business.
Strider: I was looking for a Hobbit called Frodo Baggins. I wanted to find him quickly. Black horsemen have passed through Bree. And there are some folk in Bree who are not to be trusted. Bill Ferny for instance. He has an evil name in the Bree-land. An account of your performance would be very interesting to certain people. I know all the lands between the Shire and the Misty Mountains. I might prove useful. Strider can take you by paths seldom trodden. Will you have him?
Sam: With your leave, Mr. Frodo, I'd say no! He says take care; and I say yes to that, and let's begin with him.
Frodo: I think one of his spies would-well, seem fairer and feel fouler, if you understand.
Strider: I see, I look foul and feel fair, is that it?
Marshes:
(Neeker-Breekers: neek-breek throughout)
Pippin: I am being eaten alive!
Sam: What do they live on when they can't get Hobbit?
Frodo: What is the light?
Strider: I do not know. It is like lightning that leaps up from the hilltops.
Weathertop:
Strider: Keep close to the fire with your faces outward!
(Nazgul enter dell, Frodo puts on Ring, Witch-King stabs Frodo.)
Frodo: O Elbereth! Gilthoniel!
[Exit Nazgul, Enter Glorfindel, Nazgul re-enter from other side of stage]
Ford:
Glorfindel: Fly! Fly! The emeny is upon us! Ride forward! Ride! Noro lim, noro lim, Asfaloth!
Frodo: Go back! Go back to the Land of Mordor and follow me no more!
Witch-King: Come back! Come back! To Mordor we will take you!
[Exuent]
[Person walks across stage, carrying placard saying "BOOK II"]
Rivendell:
[Enter Gandalf, Bilbo, Frodo, Gloin, Boromir, Elrond, Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, Sam, and Glorfindel]
Gandalf: Come along now! Both you and Bilbo are wanted.
Gloin: Messages reported that Moria had been entered and a great work begun there. Then there was silence, and no word has ever come from Moria since.
Boromir: I heard a voice crying: Seek for the Sword that was broken: In Imladris it dwells;
Elrond: Behold Isildur's Bane!
Legolas: Smeagol, who is now called Gollum has escaped.
Aragorn: The shadow of Mordor lies on distant lands. Saruman has fallen under it.
Elrond: We must send the Ring to the Fire.
Frodo: I will take the Ring, though I do not know the way.
Bilbo: This is Sting, Take it if you like. I shan't want it again, I expect. Also, there is this!
[Exit Gloin, Elrond, Bilbo, and Glorfindel]
Caradhras:
[Enter Merry & Pippin]
(snow falls HEAVILY onto stage. Company is soon nearly buried)
Gimli: His arm has grown long indeed, if he can draw snow down from the North to trouble us here three hundred leagues away.
Gandalf: His arm has grown long.
Boromir: This will be the death of the halflings, Gandalf. The choice seems near now between fire and death.
Gandalf: Naur an edraith ammen!
(Street sweeper with funny mustaches sweeps all the snow off stage, then leaves)
Gimli: It was no ordinary storm. It is the ill will of Caradhras.
Gates of Moria:
Merry: What does it mean by 'speak, friend, and enter?'
Pippin: What are you going to do then?
Gandalf: Knock on the doors with your head Peregrin Took. I will seek for the opening words. Edro! Edro! I have it! Mellon! Up the stairs! Quick!
Moria:
(drums: Doom, doom throughout)
Gandalf: Here is written in the tongues of Men and Dwarves: Balin son of Fundin, Lord of Moria.
Frodo: He is dead then. (Orcs rush onstage. Fight ensues. Frodo is wounded. Aragorn picks up him.) I can walk. Put me down! (Aragorn sets Frodo down)
[Exit Orcs]
Gandalf: The bridge is near.
Legolas (pointing offstage): Ai, ai! A Balrog! A Balrog is come!
Gandalf: I am servant of the secret fire. You cannot pass. (runs offstage to fight the Balrog) Fly you fools!
Lothlorien:
[Enter Galadriel & Celeborn]
Galadriel: Your quest is known to us.
Celeborn: Go now!
[Exit all but Frodo]
Frodo: He stood upon the bridge alone
And fire and Shadow both defied;
His staff was broken on the stone,
In Khazad-dum his wisdom died.
[Enter Galadriel]
(to Galadriel)I will give you the One Ring if you ask for it.
Galadriel: You will give me the Ring freely! In place of the Dark Lord you will set up a Queen. And I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! All shall love me and despair! I pass the test. I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel.
[Enter Fellowship and Celeborn]
Aragorn: We have not yet decided our course.
Celeborn: Then I will furnish your Company with boats.
Galadriel: I have brought in my ship gifts.
[Galadriel quickly passes out presents. Exit Galadriel and Celeborn]
River:
[Fellowship paddles across stage once, then leave boats.]
Parth Galen:
Aragorn: Frodo, the burden is laid upon you. Such is your fate.
Frodo: I cannot choose. The burden is heavy.
[Exit all but Frodo and Boromir]
Boromir: I wish to help you. You will come with me to Minas Tirith?
Frodo: No! No!
[Exit Frodo]
Boromir: Frodo! Come back!
[Exit Boromir, Enter Sam and Frodo]
Sam: Save me, Mr. Frodo! I'm drownded.
Frodo: It's no good trying to escape you. But I'm glad, Sam. Come along!
[Person walks across stage, carrying placard saying "ENCORE-FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING"]
Party:
[Enter Bilbo (running) with Party Guests chasing him across the stage]
Bilbo: I am going. I am leaving NOW. GOOD-BYE!
[Exuent]
Bag End:
[Enter Gandalf, Frodo, and Sam (all running across stage)]
Gandalf: Give me the Ring for a moment.(Frodo passes the Ring to Gandalf) One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.(Gandalf passes Ring back) Get up Sam! You shall go with Mr. Frodo!
Sam: Hooray!
[Exuent]
Shire Road:
[Enter Gildor (running), Frodo, Sam (running with Gildor to other side of stage), Merry, Pippin (staying by entrance)]
Gildor: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Frodo: Go not to the Elves for council for they will say both no and yes.
[Exit Gildor]
River Withywindle:
(Merry & Pippin sit by tree and are eaten, Frodo & Sam attacked by Barrow-wight)
Frodo: Help! Help! Help!
Tom (offstage): Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow; Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow. (Tree spits out Merry & Pippin. Barrow-wight shrivels & dies.)
Prancing Pony:
[Enter Breefolk, running across stage]
All: A song!
[Enter Strider]
Frodo: The cow jumped over the moon.
(jumps behind table, runs to Strider)
[Exit Bree-folk]
Strider: I see, I look foul and feel fair, is that it?
Marshes:
[Strider and hobbits run across stage]
(Neeker-Breekers: neek-breek throughout)
Pippin: I am being eaten alive!
Sam: What do they live on when they can't get Hobbit?
[Exuent]
Weathertop:
[Enter (running) Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam, Strider with Nazgul chasing them. Witch-King catches up with Frodo, stabs him, then Nazgul run past Strider & hobbits, exiting]
Frodo: O Elbereth! Gilthoniel!
[Exuent]
Ford:
[Enter Hobbits, Aragorn, and Glorfindel (all running) with Nazgul chasing them.]
Glorfindel: Fly! noro lim, Asfaloth!
Frodo: Go back!
Witch-King: To Mordor we will take you!
[Exit all but Frodo]
Rivendell:
Frodo: I will take the Ring, though I do not know the way.
[Enter Fellowship (running across stage to pile of snow)]
Caradhras:
Gandalf: His arm has grown long.
(Gandalf points back other direction. Fellowship runs back to other side of stage to stand by gates)
Gates of Moria:
Gandalf: I have it! Mellon!
[Exuent]
[Enter Fellowship from other side of stage (running)]
Moria:
Legolas(pointing behind while running): Ai, ai! A Balrog! A Balrog is come!
Gandalf(stops, runs back offstage): Fly you fools!
[Exuent]
Lothlorien:
[Enter Galadriel. Fellowship runs across stage to boats, each one getting a gift from Galadriel in passing. Galadriel runs offstage.]
River:
[Fellowship picks up boats, and runs across stage with them]
[Exit all but Boromir and Frodo.]
Parth Galen:
[Frodo runs offstage]
Boromir: Frodo! Come back!
[Boromir runs offstage opposite direction.]
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