With the plan. the older brother Down Say �hell� and you say �fatass.�� Early the next morning and went Breakfast. their mom asked the 10 Breakfast this morning, honey?� I�ll just have some cheerios.� Face, washed his mouth out with And dragged him up the stairs, When she came back down, she let Boy Answered, �i�m not sure, but you can Fatass i�m not going to say cheerios.� Speeding in wheelchair An old lady in a nursing home is Her wheelchair making sounds like Down the hall an old man jumps out Ma�am but you were speeding. can i Digs around in her purse a little, pulls To him. he looks it over, gives her a Way. up and down the halls she Man jumps out of a room and says, Cross over the center line back Please?� she digs around in her Receipt and Gives her another warning and sends Again up and down the halls, All over. as she comes to the old Stark naked and has an erection. Looks up and says, �oh no, not the Subject: old lady in sex shop Slowly Shop. obviously Shakily hobbles Counter. Grabbing it for Hhhave dddddildosss?� Holding himself Fact. � �dddooo yyyouuu Inchesss lllong Thththiiickkk?� �cccccannnn yyyouuu ttelll mmmeee Tttooo ttturrrnnn tttheee Offfff!!!!� From: steven thode To: 'alert newland'; 'beverly j. 'bob duke'; 'bob shorkey'; 'bob west'; Wesloski'; 'chris louzonis'; 'chris 'gregory shepherd'; 'gus mondalek'; Mcewen'; 'lennie collins'; 'les'; 'lonnie 'michael muscedere'; 'mike leek'; 'mike 'natasha jones'; 'priscilla d isenberg'; 'sam chance'; 'shaun watson'; 'shawn Whitman' Young woman Young woman. they have been Been able to �perform� when About 1 � years into the marriage, Old guy goes to the doctor and says It is impossible for her to be Be.� Says �i�ve got a story to tell you: i And we were charged by a large My umbrella, opened it fully, and Would have hit and surely killed me.� You can�t shoot a rhino with an Shot it.� The old guy and says �right, now Steven thode Say what? �computers in the future Popular mechanics, forecasting the �i think there is a world market for Thomas watson, chairman of ibm, �i have traveled the length and With the best people, and i can Fad that The editor in charge of business �but what ... is it good for?� Systems division of ibm, 1968, �there is no reason anyone would Ken olson, president, chairman and 1977 �this �telephone� has too Considered as a means of Inherently of no Western union internal memo, 1876. Imaginable commercial value. who Nobody in particular?� Response to his urgings for �the concept is interesting and well- Than a �c,� the idea must be feasible.� Professor in response to fred smith�s Delivery service. (smith went on to �who the hell wants to hear actors H.m. warner, warner brothers, �i�m just glad it�ll be clark gable who�s Cooper.� Take the leading role in �gone with �a cookie store is a bad idea. Say america likes crispy cookies, not Make.� Starting mrs. fields� cookies. Music is on the way out.� Beatles, 1962. Impossible.� 1895. Have done the experiment. the Said you can�t do this.� To the unique adhesives for 3-m �so we went to atari and said, �hey, Built with some of your parts, and Us? or we� ll give it to you. we just Come work for you.� and they said, Packard, and they said, �hey, we Through college yet.�� Jobs on attempts to get atari and hp Personal computer. The relation between action and Something better than a vacuum Which to react. he seems to lack the High schools.� Robert goddard�s revolutionary rocke �you want to have consistent and All of your muscles? it can�t be done. Have to accept inconsistent muscle Condition of weight training.� Solved the �unsolvable� problem by �drill for oil? you mean drill into the You�re crazy.� Enlist to his project to drill for oil in �stocks have reached what looks like Irving fisher, professor of economics, �airplanes are interesting toys but of Marechal ferdinand foch, professor Guerre. Has been invented.� Office of patents, 1899. Ridiculous fiction�. Physiology at toulouse, 1872 Brain will forever be shut from the Surgeon�. Surgeon, appointed surgeon- 1873. Anybody.� Subject: older couple and another One night, an 87 year-old woman Husband in bed with another woman. Ended up pushing him off the Of their 20th-floor apartment, killing When brought before the court on If she had anything to say in her "well, your honor", she began coolly. Could still have sex, he could fly!" Us older folks, or i guess it would be Youth deprived or age enhanced, Adventurous life. We have lived as long as we As children, we would ride in cars Riding in the back of a pickup truck on A special treat. Bright colored lead-based paint. Bottles, doors, or cabinets, No helmets. Hose and not from a bottle. Go-carts out of scraps and Out we forgot the brakes. Times we learned to We would leave home in the morning We were back when the streetlights Reach us all day. The ball would really hurt. And drank sugar soda but Always outside playing. Everyone made the team. With disappointment and Some students weren't as smart as Grade and were held back to repeat That generation produced some of Problem solvers. And responsibility, and we It's a wonder that any of our Of that hazardous way of life. Q: what is 6.9? Q: what do a rubix cube and a penis A: the longer you play with them, Q: why was raggedy anne kicked out A: because she kept sitting on To me!� Refrigerator and a gay guy? When you pull the meat out. A: you push them aside before you Q: what is the ultimate definition of A: two cannibals having oral sex. High sperm count? Swallows Mother�s breasts? Kids, but it�s the fathers who are Q: if you get malaria from mosquitoes You get aids from? Q: what is the difference between a A: you can always find a girl to blow Q: what did the banana say to the A: �i don�t know why you�re Q: how come mike tyson�s eyes A: mace Energizer bunny�s batteries A: he keeps coming and coming and Q: what is the speed for sex? Turn over. Pregnant? Whopper. A: so fat women can get laid too. Soy bean and a vibrator? Q. why did mickey mouse divorce A. because she was fuckin� goofy. Erotic sex and kinky sex? Feather, during kinky sex you use Q. what did the hurricane say to the A. �hold on to your nuts, this is going Q: why did the condom cross the A: because it was pissed off. In common? And the thighs, there�s still a greasy Q: what did the egg say to the A: �it might take me a while to get Q: what did one boob say to the A: don�t hang so low, they�ll think Q: what is the politically correct name A: �vagitarian� Fired from his job as a gas station A: right before the tanks were full, Spray gas all over the car. Frog and a horny toad? One says rub-it rub-it! A gynecologist have in common? Can�t eat it. Drug pusher and a prostitute? And sell it again Ritz and a lesbian? Is a crack snacker. Sex alike? You better have a good hand. A big head and women love it? Q: how can you tell when dogs are A: they start doing it in the Q: what is the difference between 69 A: when driving in the fog, you can�t Q: why did eve bite the forbidden A: because it tasted better than Q: how can you tell if a witch is A: check out which end of the Q: what�s the difference between A: oral sex makes your day, anal sex Steven thode I hope you like this, especially my White, according to this. please do Italian/mexican/american references. Sent to us by our most popular Substantially After much careful research, it was Artist, vincent van gogh, had many His obnoxious brother....please gogh The brother who ate prunes....gotta The constipated uncle ....cant gogh Convenience store....stopn gogh Gogh White....hue gogh His magician uncle....wherediddy His italian uncle....day gogh The mexican cousin�s american half The nephew who drove a stage The ballroom dancing aunt....tan A sister who loved disco....go gogh His nephew psychoanalyst....e gogh An aunt who taught positive The little bouncy nephew....poe A niece who travels the country in a --------- end forwarded message Steven thode On the highway Loaded rig to the top of a steep hill Steep other side when he noticed a Road, making love. he blew his air Down on them. realizing that His way he slammed on his brakes Getting out of the cab, madder than Of the cab and looked down at the �what the hell�s the matter with you Horn? you could�ve been killed!� the Satisfied and not too concerned, Coming, she was coming, and you With brakes.� Subject: one line jokes Play? Noise. Satanist? Did you hear about the guy who lost He's all right now. Doesn�t work? What do you call cheese that isn�t Nacho cheese. His left arm and leg in a car crash? Did you hear about the man who was He broke his ankle when he fell into How do crazy people go through the They take the psycho path. Boil the hell out of it. Lightbulb? Apartment.� Concrete wall? What do eskimos get from sitting on Polaroids. Other? What do the letters d.n.a. stand for? What do you call santa�s helpers? What do you call four bull fighters in Quatro sinko. Cow? What do you ge Frog to the stranger, who runs out Says Nut?! you sold a singing frog for It must have been worth millions. you "not so," says the guy. "the hamster Bar and orders a drink, but as As the bartender puts it down, a Runs And runs away. the man does not Suprised. he tells the bartender that He The bartender puts the glass down, Leprechaun runs out again and this Now Prying, but what's going on here That leprechaun?". the tired man Stranded on a desert island once, Said Without even thinking about it, i Him Twelve inch prick." Irishman finds a genie lamp and rubs "master you have released me from Wishes, Scratches his head, then answers "a Of "granted master" retorted the genie Produced the bottle. the man was Magic Remembered that he had two other He rubbed the lamp again and the Have More wishes, what would you like?" Guinness bottle" he asks the genies. Like another two of them" Actual radio conversation released It -------------------------------------------- Hail: please divert your course 15 Collision. Course 15 degrees to south to avoid Collision. Ship. i say again, divert your Reply: no. i say again, you divert Hail: this is the aircraft carrier The us navy. divert your course Reply: this is a lighthouse... your call. A pretty blonde woman is driving Sports When something goes wrong with She She goes up to the farmhouse and On When the farmer answers, she says Carbroke down! i don't know what to Until "well," drawls the farmer, "you can Here, but i don't want you messin' Through the screen door and sees She Twenties. "okay", she says. Night the woman begins to get a Hot just thinking about the two boys Quietly goes into their room and Me Teach you the ways of the world?" Thing is, i don't want to get These rubbers." she puts them on And the three of them go at it all *****forty years later jed and luke Rocking bak and forth. Luke says, "yeah, jed?" Woman that came by here about Years ago and showed us the ways "yeah," says luke, "i remember." Pregnant?" asks jed. "me, neither," says jed, "let's take The front lines in europe for three Week of r&r. he caught a supply To a supply base in the south of London. And he could not find a seat. he was On his feet and walked the length of Sit finally he found a compartment with Room for two people on each seat. Looking, Sitting in the empty seat beside "could i please sit in that seat" he Americans are so rude" she said, There"? And still could not find a seat. he Himself back at the same place. Home - so i would be glad to hold The Only rude you are arrogant" she He leaned against the wall for a time, "lady, i've been on the front lines in Decent rest for all that time; could i Dog?" Not only rude and arrogant, you are with that comment, the soldier Threw Lady was speechless. an older, Dressed englishman sitting across on Man, The lady's description of you or Americans do a lot of things wrong. Drive Hold your fork with the wrong hand, Now you have just thrown the wrong Desperate ,that she decided to end Ocean. when she went down to the Noticed her tears, took pity on her, Said, "look, you've got a lot to live Morning, and if you like, i can stow Care of you and bring you food Slipped his "i'll keep you happy, and you'll keep Happy." the girl nodded 'yes'. after Night, the sailor brought her aboard Then Sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and Dawn. three weeks later, during a Search, she was discovered by the The Arrangement with one of the Explained. "he's taking me to "he sure is, lady," said the captain. A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a Young man walks by and asks him The old man answers, "i'm in love "what's wrong with that?" asks the Between his sobs and sniffles, he Every morning before she goes to She comes home and we make love Favorite meal. Break, she rushes home and gives Oral sex, the best an old man could All night long, we make love." he Speak. Him. "i don't understand. it Relationship. why are you crying?" Through his tears, $5,000 on the counter. the Speaks Time tomorrow, your nipples will The librarian was flabbergasted... all The man continutes: But by tomorrow, i bet that The librarian answers "you're on, The librarian takes a cab home, to Stays away from all sharp objects in A little late the next day, slightly Walks in, with an accomplice. With that, the librarian removes her Nipples are still in place. the man Accomplice hands over an envelope. Librarian? Bet me $20,000 that i couldn't Your tits." Four retired guys are out, first one Trees, has to go retrieve it. while How's your son doing?" "well, you Dealership, They had their best year ever. it was His Son doing?" "well, you know my Got a boat dealership, and they had That he gave a friend of his a boat." Son Real estate broker, and he had his Year ever. it was so good that he Meanwhile, Sam, how's your son doing?" "well, Dunno. you all know my son's gay... Friends gave him a house, a car, and Boy, who could foresee the future. The little boy was heard to finish, God bless grandma, goodbye The next day his grandfather A few weeks later, the little boy was Bless The next day his poor grandmother Street -- she never felt a thing. Was praying and said, "god bless His father panicked. he had himself Slowly, to work, by an armed guard Hired. he couldn't concentrate, Words, Home early, but very carefully. he Met Said, "what do you think happened Dear? the most awful thing -- the Porch." After a hard day at the office, three Cocktail Crowded, a few drinks turns into And soon everyone is tanked. all End Going home separately. the next day The Evenings events. the first guy says, Got And blew chunks." Nothing. i got so drunk that i got in Car and drove it right into a Hurt The third guy says, "well, i got so My Candle which lit the apartment on She dumped me, all my belongings Insurance Cover the damage." Come closer and whispers, Is my dog." A couple return from their Everyone that Are not talking to each other. the And The man "when we had finished Love on the first night, as i got up to Bill "oh, i shouldn't worry about that too Your wife will get over it soon Have Saving yourself all these years!" the Don't know if i can get over it And tells his wife: "something has Come up. i have a chance to go Opportunity A lifetime. we leave right away. so Equipment, I'll be home in an hour to pick them Grabs everything and rushes off. His wife asks: "did you have a good He says: " oh yes, great! but you His wife smiles and says, "oh no i Box!" A boy was walking home one day, From the school bully. as he crossed Front Mother saw him and said, "i saw You cannot have any chicken for a Later on in the barn - still mad- he Mother saw him again saying, "i saw Any The boy's father was just getting off His The boy saw his mother heading in You want me to tell him or should i. Three japanese men at a new york Restaurant. when she gets to the Men "what the hell are you perverts Replied, "we all berry hungry"! she Whacking off?" one of the three Menu say `first come, first served!" A lady is golfing with some friends. On Second tee when she gets stung by Rushes the short distance back to Doctor. Who says "what can i help you The woman tells him she's been stung Where?" the lady replies, "between The Your stance to way too wide!" ---------- ---------- A man returned home from the night Bedroom and found his wife with the Asleep. Crawled under the sheet and Afterward, as he hurried downstairs Startled to find breakfast on the �how�d you get down here so fast?� Love!� My mother up there! she came over A headache. i told her to lie Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the This happened. why didn�t you say The mother-in-law huffed, �i haven�t And i wasn�t about to start now!� A man goes to the doctor's office Doctor runs a battery of tests on the Of his mis-colored member. after all For the discoloration can be found. Patient. then he asks the patient Get a clue about his orange colored Work with chemicals or something?" Man, "i lost my job about 8 months Day?" says the doctor. "well, i Watching porno flicks and eating --------- end forwarded message --------- end forwarded message Subject: ordering pizza Random numbers while ordering. ask Taking the order to stop doing that. If they accept it. 4.order a big mac extra value meal. "remember, we never had this 6.tell the order taker a rival pizza Going with the lowest bidder. "oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. Questions. To cut the crap about nutrition and If they have something outlandishly 10.use these bonus words in the Cost-efficient, ukrainian, and puce. This time. Favorite song from metallica's master 13.do not name the toppings you 14.put an extra edge in your voice 15.stutter on the letter "p." Somewhere else. (e.g., if phoning For a cheeser! cheeser!) Wearing. Receiver. Seconds, then behave as if they You. Determined air. if they ask if you Drinks with that, panic and become 21.tell the order taker you're Up. Order them as toppings. Seconds. Prepared in a fractal pattern as Equation you are about to dictate. 25.act like you know the order taker Wetters' camp, 26.start your order with "i'd like. . .". Say, "no, i don't." Sure they have it right, say, "okay, The first window." 29.order while using an electric knife 30.ask if you get to keep the pizza Sigh of 31.put the accent on the last syllable Sound. Stirred." Place? when they say yes, say, Is this! you've got some explaining to That it is, in fact, pizza place, start to It's like to be lied to?" Farther from your lips as you speak. The call ends, jerk the mouthpiece At the 35.tell them to double-check to make 36.imitate the order taker's voice. Speech. Like?"--say, "huh? oh, you mean 39.play a sitar in the background. You'd appreciate if the deliverer hid Some furniture waiting for your Him/her. Known facts about country music.
