Sucking creatures�. (actual trial) Months pregnant boarded a bus. Noticed a young man smiling at her Account Seat and he seemed more amused. Moved again and then on her fourth Had Court, the young man was asked In such a manner. his reply was: when the lady boarded the bus i Pregnant. Read "coming soon the gold dust Then she moved under one that read Was even more amused when she Which read Could not control myself any longer Under an advertisment which read Rubber would have prevented this he won the case. These are from the original bartender Morning, reached to turn on the It After replacing the bulb, still no light. Home, Broken. could you fix it for me To which john replied while displaying "do you see 'electrician' written on Nothing. Said, "honey, the cabinet door fell Today. Please?" to which john, of course, "do you see 'carpenter' written Next day john came home and jane The Could you fix it for me please?" right! "do you see 'plumber' written Next day john came home and the Door had been replaced, and the "i see you found some good "no, i just The neighbor next door." john asked, Charge?" Charge anything. he said i could Could trade it out in sex." to What kind of "goodies" did you And jane said proudly while "honey,do you see betty crocker Back home from a trip when Unable to get it fixed, so Hotel. One room available. Would have a problem, The night together in And you have the bed. They prepare for bed and each one The room. ten minutes later... Priest: okay, i'll get you a blanket. Ten minutes later... Priest: okay sister, i'll get you Ten minutes later... Don't think the lord Wife just for this one night. And get your own damn blanket. A russian is strolling down the street Laying Bottle comes a genie. the russian is Master, i will grant you one wish, Begins thinking, "well, i really like Says, "i wish to drink vodka Vodka." The russian gets home he gets a In it. he looks at the glass and Clear. looks like vodka. then he So he takes a taste and it is the best Russian yells to his wife, "natasha, Running down the hall and the The Her to drink, it is vodka. natasha Reluctant but goes ahead and takes Ever Night. Home from work and tells his wife to Two glasses out of the cupboard. he The result is the same, the vodka is The sun comes up. Russian comes home and tells his "natasha grab one glass from the His Cupboard and sets it on the table. Russian begins to piss in the glass Him, Boris, why do we need only one Says, From the bottle." A priest, a doctor, and an engineer A particularly slow group of golfers. We must have been waiting for Doctor: i don't know but i've never Priest: hey, here comes the Him. With that group ahead of us? George: oh yes. that's a group of Their sight while saving our club Let them play here anytime free of (silence) A special prayer for Doctor: good idea. and i'm going to Buddy and see if there's anything he Engineer: why can't these guys play Bar and orders a drink. the You can pay for it." the guy Money, but if i show you something Haven't seen before, will you give "only What you show me ain't risque." Into his coat pocket and pulls out a Bar and it runs to the end of the Room, up the piano, jumps on the Board and starts playing gershwin Good. the bartender says, "you're That before. that hamster is truly The drink and asks the bartender for Else no drink," says the bartender. And The bar, and the frog starts to He has a marvelous voice and great The other end of the bar runs over The Takes the three hundred and gives Frog to the stranger, who runs out Says Nut?! you sold a singing frog for It must have been worth millions. you "not so," says the guy. "the hamster Bar and orders a drink, but as As the bartender puts it down, a Runs And runs away. the man does not Suprised. he tells the bartender that He The bartender puts the glass down, Leprechaun runs out again and this Now Prying, but what's going on here That leprechaun?". the tired man Stranded on a desert island once, and Said Without even thinking about it, i Him Twelve inch prick." Irishman finds a genie lamp and rubs "master you have released me from What would you like" irishman Bottle Guinness that never gets empty. And Delighted and got drunk on this one Guiness bottle for weeks then he Wishes. Genie appeared. "yes master, you Two "you know that magic, never ending "well, for my final two wishes, i'd The chief of naval operations, (so Says) ------------- Degrees to the north to avoid a Reply: recommend you divert your A Hail: this is the captain of a us navy Course. Course. Enterprise, we are a large warship of Reply: this is a lighthouse... your call. A pretty blonde woman is driving Sports When something goes wrong with the Happens to be near a farmhouse. she Knocks The door. Him, "oh, it's sunday night and my Do! can i stay here for the night Tomorrow when i can get some help? Stay My sons jed and luke." she looks Two men standing behind the farmer. Judges them to be in the early After they have gone to bed for the Little The room next to her. so she "boys, how would you like for me Teach you the ways of the world?" Thing is, i don't want to get Rubbers." she puts them on the boys, Long. Sitting on the front porch, Jed says, "luke?" Jed says, "you remember that blond Years ago and showed us the ways of "yeah," says luke, "i remember." Pregnant?" asks jed. "me, neither," says jed, "let's take The front lines in europe for three Week of r&r. he caught a supply boat England, then caught a train to The train was extremely crowded and Dead The train looking for any place to Down. Seats facing each other; there was On one side sat only a proper looking, Sitting in the empty seat beside "could i please sit in that seat" he Americans are so rude" she said, There"? Still could not find a seat. he Himself back at the same place. Home - so i would be glad to hold your The Only rude you are arrogant" she said. But was so tired he finally said Europe for three months with not a Please sit there and hold your The lady replied "you americans are Also obnoxious." Stepped in, picked up the dog, It out the widow, and sat down. the Neatly The other seat spoke up. "young I do not know if all you americans fit Not. but i do know that you You On the wrong side of the road, you And Bitch out of the window." A depressed young woman was so Her life by throwing herself into the Docks, a handsome young sailor And I'm off to europe in the You away on my ship. i'll take good Day." moving closer, he slipped his "i'll keep you happy, and you'll keep Happy." the girl nodded 'yes'. after all, Night, the sailor brought her aboard Then Sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and Dawn. three weeks later, during a Search, she was discovered by the The Arrangement with one of the sailors," Explained. "he's taking me to europe, "he sure is, lady," said the captain. A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a Young man walks by and asks him The old man answers, "i'm in love with "what's wrong with that?" asks the Between his sobs and sniffles, he Every morning before she goes to She comes home and we make love Favorite meal. Break, she rushes home and gives Oral sex, the best an old man could All night long, we make love." he Speak. Him. "i don't understand. it Relationship. why are you crying?" Through his tears, $5,000 on the counter. the Speaks Time tomorrow, your nipples will The librarian was flabbergasted... all The man continutes: But by tomorrow, i bet that The librarian answers "you're on, The librarian takes a cab home, to Stays away from all sharp objects in A little late the next day, slightly Walks in, with an accomplice. With that, the librarian removes her Nipples are still in place. the man Accomplice hands over an envelope. Librarian? Bet me $20,000 that i couldn't Your tits." Four retired guys are out, first one tees Trees, has to go retrieve it. while he's How's your son doing?" "well, you Dealership, They had their best year ever. it was His Son doing?" "well, you know my Got a boat dealership, and they had That he gave a friend of his a boat." Son Real estate broker, and he had his Year ever. it was so good that he Meanwhile, Sam, how's your son doing?" "well, Dunno. you all know my son's gay... Friends gave him a house, a car, and Boy, who could foresee the future. Little boy was heard to finish, God bless grandma, goodbye The next day his grandfather dropped A few weeks later, the little boy was Bless The next day his poor grandmother Street -- she never felt a thing. Praying and said, "god bless His father panicked. he had himself Slowly, to work, by an armed guard in Hired. he couldn't concentrate, "goodbye daddy." he finally came Met "what do you think happened Dear? the most awful thing -- the Porch." After a hard day at the office, three Cocktail Crowded, a few drinks turns into many Three lose track of each other and Up At the office, the three gather by Watercooler to discuss the past Got And blew chunks." Nothing. i got so drunk that i got in my Pole. totaled it. i didn't get But now i have no car." Drunk that when i got home, i cussed Girlfriend out and knocked over a She dumped me, all my belongings Insurance Cover the damage." Closer and whispers, Is my dog." A couple return from their honeymoon They Groom's best man takes him aside Asks what is wrong, "well," replied Making Go to the bathroom i put a $50 On the pillow without thinking." Much," said his friend "i'm sure - she can't expect you to have Saving yourself all these years!" the Don't know if i can get over it though, And tells his wife: "something has just Fishing for a week. it's the opportunity A lifetime. we leave right away. so Equipment, I'll be home in an hour to pick them Grabs everything and rushes off. His wife asks: "did you have a good He says: " oh yes, great! but you His wife smiles and says, "oh no i Box!" A boy was walking home one day, From the school bully. as he crossed Front Mother saw him and said, "i saw You cannot have any chicken for a Later on in the barn - still mad- he Mother saw him again saying, "i saw Any The boy's father was just getting off His The boy saw his mother heading in Want me to tell him or should i. Three japanese men at a new york Restaurant. when she gets to the Men "what the hell are you perverts Replied, "we all berry hungry"! she Off?" one of the three says, "because After sinking her first putt, she's Her way down the path to the second She Clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. Who says "what can i help you The woman tells him she's been stung Where?" the lady replies, "between The Stance to way too wide!" --------- end forwarded message ---------- A man returned home from the night Bedroom and found his wife with the Asleep. Crawled under the sheet and Afterward, as he hurried downstairs To find breakfast on the table and his �how�d you get down here so fast?� Love!� My mother up there! she came over A headache. i told her to lie Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the This happened. why didn�t you say The mother-in-law huffed, �i haven�t And i wasn�t about to start now!� A man goes to the doctor's office Doctor runs a battery of tests on the Of his mis-colored member. after all For the discoloration can be found. Patient. then he asks the patient Get a clue about his orange colored Work with chemicals or something?" Man, "i lost my job about 8 months Day?" says the doctor. "well, i Watching porno flicks and eating --------- end forwarded message --------- end forwarded message Subject: ordering pizza Random numbers while ordering. ask Taking the order to stop doing that. If they accept it. 4.order a big mac extra value meal. "remember, we never had this 6.tell the order taker a rival pizza Going with the lowest bidder. "oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. Questions. To cut the crap about nutrition and If they have something outlandishly 10.use these bonus words in the Cost-efficient, ukrainian, and puce. This time. Favorite song from metallica's master 13.do not name the toppings you 14.put an extra edge in your voice 15.stutter on the letter "p." Somewhere else. (e.g., if phoning For a cheeser! cheeser!) Wearing. Receiver. Seconds, then behave as if they You. Determined air. if they ask if you Drinks with that, panic and become 21.tell the order taker you're Up. Order them as toppings. Seconds. Prepared in a fractal pattern as Equation you are about to dictate. 25.act like you know the order taker Wetters' camp, 26.start your order with "i'd like. . .". Say, "no, i don't." Sure they have it right, say, "okay, The first window." 29.order while using an electric knife 30.ask if you get to keep the pizza Sigh of 31.put the accent on the last syllable Sound. Stirred." Place? when they say yes, say, Is this! you've got some explaining to That it is, in fact, pizza place, start to It's like to be lied to?" Farther from your lips as you speak. The call ends, jerk the mouthpiece At the 35.tell them to double-check to make 36.imitate the order taker's voice. Speech. Like?"--say, "huh? oh, you mean 39.play a sitar in the background. You'd appreciate if the deliverer hid Some furniture waiting for your Him/her. Known facts about country music. 43.quote carl sandberg. When the movie people call back. At stake with this pizza. Well-aged chardonnay. Mouthpiece; then tell your dog it Ashamed. 49.shout, "i'm through with (wo) Gaston!" Order, catch yourself, and say, I? who are you?" 52.ask what their phone number is. 53.order two toppings, then say, 54.learn to properly pronounce the These 55.call to complain about service. Didn't mean it. Manager to tell his supervisor he's 57.report a petty theft to the order 58.use expletives like "great caesar's Town." Order last time. Adamantly declare, "i shall not be Your sweet words." Those nose hairs. Something. Call to pizza place, take 1, and. . . 64.ask if the pizza is organically 65.ask about pizza maintenance and 66.be vague in your order. Say, "again, with a little more oomph Time." Every 5 seconds throughout the 69.after ordering, say, "i wonder Does." 70.start the conversation by reciting Be 71.state your order and say that's Get. Term "spanking a pizza." make up a That this be done to your pizza. Loudly into the phone. ask if they felt 74.detect the order taker's psychic 75.when listing toppings you want 76.learn to play a blues riff on the Intervals to play it. Your pizza. suggest an even trade. That you won't take any crap from Two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced 79.put them on hold. Code. use the code on all Orders. Your seat." when asked to repeat "i said, 'sauce smothered with 82.make the first topping you order Say, Before they have a chance to 83.when the order is repeated, Repeated again, Say, "you just don't get it, do you?" "ooooooo, that sounds complicated. i 85.haggle. 87.order term life insurance. All?"--snicker and say, "we'll find out, 89.order with a speak-n-spell where 90.ask how many dolphins were 91.while on the phone, fake entering Embarrassed. Swapping. "pizza." avoid saying it at all costs. if Says it, say, "please don't mention 94.have a movie with a good car Background. 95.if (s)he suggests a side order, 96.ask if the pizza has had its shots. 98.get taker's name. later, call Your So." hang up. Public flogging. Are rejected by the order taker, say, Your best pouty voice, "last guy let Subject: oscar meyer's new song His baloney has a first name, His baloney has a second name: He loves to sling it every day . . ., . ., Of mak - ing bullshit sound o - kay _________________________ Http://www.hotmail.com A bit less delicate in the way of Calling in sick to work makes me How My boss thinks i am lying. on one Lied anyway because the truth was Humiliating to reveal. i simply Head Coming in the next day. by then, i Bandage on my crown. in this case, In the place men feel the most pain. Because i conceded to my wife's Adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, i was When i heard my wife, deb, call out Hearkened,"the garbage disposal is Where The shower (pitter-patter). She pleaded. "what if it starts . . . "c'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a Fears of a person who suffers from Condition brought on by watching Futile to argue or explain, kind of like Are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, Ground The rest of my life. so out i came, To make a statement about how her Consequence but it was i who would Under the sink to find the button. it The last action i remember Warning, without Wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me Our new kitty, clawing playfully at Between my legs. She ("buttons" aka "the grater") had Stalked me as i took the bait under Was most vulnerable, she leapt at Snagged them with her needle-like Sense danger anywhere close to Masculine region, they lose all Bodily Nerves compel the body to contort Violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could Supporting The situation in a step-by-step Sometimes faced with a "fight or Predicament, choose only the Moment how a cat feels when it is Whereas cats seek great heights to Sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my Cold. When i awoke, my wife and the Been fully Snorted as they tried to conduct Work while suppressing their I should Coax an explanation out of me. i Silent, claiming it was too painful to Your tongue?" If they had only known. Subject: our daily bread Read, "smell of baked bread may be Article went on to describe the Bread. the main danger, apparently, This aroma may break down ozone I was horrified. when are we going to Global warming? sure, we Is the government going to go after Well, i've done a little research, and Anyone think twice.... Convicted felons are bread eaters. Up in bread-consuming households Standardized tests. Virtually all bread was baked in the Was less than 50 years; infant High; many women died in Typhoid, yellow fever and influenza 4: more than 90 percent of violent Of eating bread. Called "dough." it has been proven Dough can be used to suffocate a More bread than that in one 6: primitive tribal societies that have Cancer, alzheimer's, Osteoporosis. Addictive. subjects deprived of Begged for bread after only two 8: bread is often a "gateway" food Items such as butter, jelly, 9: bread has been proven to absorb Than 90 percent water, it To your body being taken over by Turning you into a soggy, gooey 10: newborn babies can choke on 11: bread is baked at temperatures That kind of heat can kill an 12: most american bread eaters are Significant scientific fact In light of these frightening statistics, Restrictions: 2: no advertising of bread within 3: a 300 percent federal tax on all We might associate with 4: no animal or human images, nor Appeal to children) may be used 5: a $4.2 zillion fine on the three Please send this e-mail on to This crucial issue. An unarmed person." Children Marry? "you flip a nickel, and heads means You try the next one." > > > The same stuff. like if you like You like sports, and she should keep > > > allan, age 10 "no person really decides before Marry. god decides it all way Who you're stuck with." > > > Married "twenty-three is the best age Forever by then!" > > > You got to be a fool to get married!" > > > Are married? "married people usually look happy > > > eddie, age 6 "you might have to guess based on The same kids." > > > Have in common? "both don't want no more kids." > > > > > > People should use them to get to Something to say if you listen long > > > lynnette, age 8 "on the first date, they just tell each Them interested enoug
