It nose bee fore two long Its rare lea ever wrong. I am shore your pleased two no My chequer tolled me sew. Steven thode Have case?? (farmer vs. railroad) - a classic Case between a farmer and a large That his prize cow was missing Railroad passed. he filed suit against Of the cow. the case was to be tried The back room of the general store. The farmer and tried to get him to The lawyer did his best selling job, Half of what he was claiming to settle Signed the release and took the Help but gloat a little over his Know, i Over on you in there. i couldn�t have Asleep and the fireman was in the Through your farm that morning. i The stand.� You, young feller, i was a little Myself when that durned cow came This morning!� Subject: nasty bug The liquor store, get a six pack, bring Watched tv. one night, as he His last beer, the doorbell rang. he Six-foot cockroach standing there. And threw him across the room, then The next night, after he finished his Walked slowly to the door and found Standing The stomach, then left. 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. Standing there. this time, he was Ear as he doubled over in pain. then The fourth night joe didn�t drink at Cockroach was standing there. the Him in The following day, joe went to see Of the preceding four nights. �what �not much� the doctor replied. Around.� I think this is a repeat, but i love it Nasty tech support diary 8:05 am Password. told them to use Utility called fdisk. blissfully ignorant, We let the people vote and drive, 8:12 am Couldn't access expense reports Them standard sys admin answer # Rant Coffeemaker from the ups and Server back in. suggested they try it 8:14 am Received error message "error 0." told them it was an os problem. 11:00 am relatively quiet for last few Back in so i can call my girlfriend. This Transferred her to janitorial closet Basement. what is she thinking? the Weekend! Another user calls (do they ever On hr That nobody but hr can access Them no problem. hang up. change Reviews 12:00 pm 3:30 pm 3:55 pm Me cranky. bounce servers for no Return to napping. Yet another user calls. wants to Ask them To call back when they find out. Decide to run "create Next shift has Tuesday Finish reading support log from last With 9:00 am Discuss my attitude. click on Smarticon. "love to, but kinda busy. Database!" i yell as i grab for the (mysteriously) 9:35 pm New employee. tell them they need J-19r=9c9\\darr\k1. say they never The special forms database. say they Transfer them to janitorial closet in 10:00 am And says she needs new id. tell her i Name, manager name, and marital @dblookup against state parole Control Database. no hits. tell her id will be Tonight. drawing from the lessons For Personally deliver id to her 10:07 am Getting strange calls in basement. Train him on notes. begin now. let Smoke. Return from smoking break. janitor Transferred them to cafeteria lady. i 1:05 pm Falls in hole left where i pulled floor Outside his office door. stress to him Computer Fire!" Development standards committee Form Inconvenience, i tell them i will fix it. And run global search/replace using 1:20 pm Says she keeps getting calls for Loads" or "noload goats," she's not Industrial-grade blender. tell her it Maybe Product? she thinks about it and 2:00 pm Lost password. ask her to check in Purse, floor of car, and on bathroom Of back of machine. suggest she put Can Create new id for her while she does 2:49 pm Lessons. i take off rest of day. 8:30 am Nothing to do with fonts on form. tell Been checking "bitset," not "chipset." Up. Support manager, with foot in cast, Am Wants to talk to support manager Terrible help at support desk. tell Meeting. 10:00 am Cover for me. go to support Office. he says he can't dismiss me Career Implements in third-world countries To heavy political turmoil. by and by, Takes full-text indexed random e-mail Furry handcuffs and bambi boomer in Page. For keyboard, web browser, and 10:30 am To show him mainframe corporate System sometime. Lunch. Return from lunch. Shift change; going home. 8:00 am "nice plaids" i offer. show him server Library. set him up with ibm pc-xt. tell Same in both monochrome and color. New guy's pc finishes booting up. tell Minimum password length to 64. go 9:30 am Marvin. "nice plaids" louie comments. This guy great or what?! Beat louie in dominoes game. louie Sleeves ("always have backups"). Down. Antenna (better reception) and plug Into hub. tell user to try again. 11:55 am 98.022.01: "whereas all new Beginning on days ending in 'y' shall Corporation, said employee is Relief to Marvin doubts. i point to "corporate Work, if i say so myself!). That's double pepperoni and no Over 1:00 pm 4:30 pm Marvin scanning want ads. Shift change. flick hr's server off and On/off button...). see ya tomorrow. 8:00 am Power supply in hr server. told them Worked fine before i left. Marvin still not here. decide i might Unforward phones from mailroom. Yep. a user call. users in des moines Board determine it's sunspots. tell 9:30 am Ants. says he's in san diego and Replicate with des moines. tell him it's Difference. suggest he reset the 10:17 am Route mail to san diego. tell them to Server ahead three hours. E-mail from corporate says for On their And forward it to milwaukee. Finish @coffeemake macro. put 11:23 am 11:25 am Marvin called in to quit. "so hard to Good help..." i respond. support With And asks if i mind sitting in on the Him. "no problem!" Call louie and tell him opportunity This afternoon. "yeah, sure. you can 12:00 am 1:00 pm Route them to device null to make Fast. Full weekly backups done. man, i love 2:30 pm Management database. cancel 2:45 Appointment for him. he really should 2:39 pm How to create a connection Them to run connection document Tell 2:50 pm At doctor's office means appointment On home. ask him if he's seen 3:00 pm Periodic macro not working. suggest Place @deletedocument at end of Document 4:00 pm Documents to white. also set point 4:30 pm Anything in documents. tell them to View, do a "edit -- select all", hit Promise Which says so. Another user calls. says they can't It. hang up. change font to 4:58 pm To see what happens. not (too) 5:00 pm The hub is acting funny and to have Good weekend. Steven thode Two tourists were driving through Natchitoches, they started The town. they argued back and Lunch. Tourist asked the blonde employee, Settle an argument for us? would Please pronounce where we are... Over the counter and said, (thads editorial: it is Subject: national science The national science foundation Results on corporate america 1. sport of choice for maintenance 2. sport of choice for front line 3. sport of choice for supervisors: 4. sport of choice for middle 5. sport of choice for corporate Conclusion: the higher you are in the Balls. Subject: naval command reducation I knew something like this might Bob Personnel ( navy c.r.a.p. ) We are forced to reduce the size of Will go on early retirement, Lower paid under skilled sailors to A program to phase out older sailors Current fiscal year will be placed in As retire active personnel early Sailors who are raped will be given Employment within the department Sailors will be required to fill out Development, test, and evaluation Experience. this phase does not Service position; it does, however, Capabilities will be considered before Process. this phase of crap is known Retired warriors (screw). Screwed may request review of their The study by higher (shaft) phase. Be raped once, screwed twice, but The navy leadership If a sailor follows the above To get half earnings for retired As Payment, any sailor who gets herpes By the navy. Younger sailors who remain on active Policy of ensuring that sailors High intensity training (s.h.i.t.) The navy takes pride in the amount Boast that it gives its sailors more You feel that you do not receive Please see your supervisor. you will The shit. list, and our managers are Get all the shit you can stand. Will be placed in departmental (deep shit). Seriously will have to go to employee Managers took shit Don�t have to do shit anymore, they If you are full of shit, you may be We can add your name to our basic List (bull shit). The shit jobs, and can apply for Programming (dip If you have further questions, please Special high intensity training (hot Thank you, Training (big shit) Subject: navy humor Radio conversation of a us naval Coast of newfoundland in Released by the chief of naval Americans: please divert your Avoid a Canadians: recommend you divert To avoid a collision. Navy ship. i say again, divert Canadians: no. i say again, you Americans: this is the aircraft carrier The united states� atlantic Destroyers, three cruisers and That you change your course 15 Degrees north, or counter-measures Be undertaken to ensure the safety Canadians: this is a lighthouse. your Steven thode Disclaimer: don't anyone take this A major is walking down the street With pile of crap. the major Playing with a pile of crap. the boy Nco!" Colonel approaches him and asks Points to the boy and starts laughing The boy what he is doing. Nco!" Rolling with laughter when a general They point to the boy and the general Boy replies for the third All three officers are laughing when a And asks what is so funny. Laughing even harder than before. Is doing. the boy replies, "i'm making The three officers continue to laugh as Making an nco?" "because i don't have nearly enough Steven thode A keen country lad applied for a Store. in fact it was the biggest Anything there. the boss asked him, Before?� Country� said the lad. the boss liked Start tomorrow and i�ll come and see The day was long and arduous for Came around. the boss duly fronted Did you make today?� �only one,� blurted the boss, �most Day. �three hundred thousand dollars,� �how did you manage that?� asked �well,� said the salesman �this man Hook, then a medium hook and finally Then i sold him a small fishing line, a I asked him where he was going Said he would probably need a boat, Department and sold him that twenty Then he said his volkswagen So i took him to the car department Cruiser.� Asked in astonishment, �you sold all Hook?� Came in to buy a box of tampons for Weekend�s shot, you may as well go O.p. nerd's home remedies 1. if you are choking on an ice cube, �simply pour a cup of boiling water �and presto! the blockage will be �removed. 2. clumsy? avoid cutting yourself �vegetables by getting someone else �you chop away. 3. avoid arguments with the mrs. �toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. high blood pressure sufferers: �and bleed for awhile, thus reducing �your veins. 5. a mouse trap, placed on top of �will prevent you from rolling over �sleep when you hit the snooze � Large dose of Cough. 7. have a bad tooth ache? hit your �hammer, then you will forget about � Remember what the � Duct tape. if it 40. if it moves and shouldn't, use � To know them. If you woke up breathing, �another chance! And finally... be really good to your �friends. you never know when you �them to empty your bedpan. "thought for the day: our days are �give people a bit of our heart rather �our mind". Subject: nerds in season This truck driver hauling a tractor- Beer. as he approaches the bar he �nerds not allowed-enter at your He goes in and sits down. the Says he smells kind of nerdy, asks Truck driver says he drives a truck, Computers he is hauling. the Not nerds, Sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks Pocket protector with twelve kinds of A foot too long. the bartender, Shotgun and blows the guy away. Truck driver asks him why he did Worry, Silicon valley, and are in season now. Said. so the truck driver finishes Heads back onto the freeway. Accident, and the load shifts. the Breaks open and computers spill out And sees a crowd already forming, Are all engineers, accountants and Clothes he has ever seen. he can�t Remembering what happened in the Blasting away, felling several of Officer comes zooming up and jumps Stop. the truck driver said, �what�s Season.� You can�t bait �em.� Subject: nerds vs. jocks "is it > nerd?" > michael jordan having "retired," > million in endorsements, makes > Makes > of sugarplums dance in his head. > if he goes to see a movie, it will > him $7.00, but he will make > Egg, he > it. > he will make $3,710 while watching > episode of friends. > if he wanted to save up for a new > nsx ($90,000) it would take him > Salary and > have to do it at the rate of $2.00 > second. > he will probably pay around $200 > nice round of golf, but will be Round. > assuming he puts the federal > 15% of his income into a tax Contributions > $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on january > Every 10 > living comfortably at $65,000 a > Minimum wage. > while watching the 100-meter > olympics, and about $15,600 > Spending about > chicago restaurant, he will pull in > $5600. > this year, he will make more than > much as all u.s. past Terms > > > Income for the > still have less than bill gates > has today. > game over. nerd wins. A wife came home just in time to find Husband in bed with another woman. Fury, she Out the back door, and into the tool Back yard and put his Tightly and Next she picked up a hacksaw. Screamed, "stop! Are you? Her eye, And said, nope. Do whatever you have to". ---------- [smtp:[email protected]] 9:37 pm Shorkey'; 'bob west'; 'brett Louzonis'; 'chris tenney'; 'craig Regge'; 'j.r. reynolds'; 'jeff kufalk'; King'; 'lopez'; 'mark mondayko'; 'mike and elaine meuller'; 'mike leek'; 'ray wick'; 'rich mcgurr'; 'rick scutt'; Byers'; 'ron mason'; 'rudy abelli'; 'sam 'steve bernier'; 'steve thode'; Subject: fw: bumper stickers Are funny! --------- > your kid may be an honors > all generalizations are false. > i brake for no apparent reason. Use birth control. > forget about world Signal. About a fountain of smart? > lottery: a tax on people who are > it is as bad as you think, and they > auntie em, hate you, hate > change is inevitable, except from > time is what keeps everything > i love cats...they taste just like > out of my mind. back in five > forget the joneses, i keep us up > born free...taxed to death. Like my dog. You're an idiot. > i get enough exercise just pushing > sometimes i wake up grumpy; > all men are idiots, and i married > jack kevorkian for white house > work is for people who don't know > montana-at least our cows are > i didn't fight my way to the top of > women who seek to be equal to > if you don't like the news, go out > when you do a good deed, get a > sorry, i don't date outside my > no radio - already stolen. Can't handle drugs. Flashes, they have power surges. Were negative. It. Reality check? Fewer men act it. Every minute of it. Laziness pays off now. Taxidermist. What you've got. Unfortunately it kills all its students. Better. Problem doesn't exist. Because it is illegal to kill. What others have. With a limited inventory. Delivery guy comes from? Away? Closer than they appear. Something else. Hungry. then things get worse. Will make a better idiot. Just like everyone else. Friends help you move bodies. Down my clothes. Someone, somewhere may be > consciousness: that annoying > i souport publik edekashun. Choose your nursing home. Holder... Who can count & those who can't. Word? Start again? The new car radio ~ Expensive car�a status symbol to Scrimps and saves, goes to the bmw Years income for a brand new Enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile. Some music and searches for the The dashboard looks like a control Button, that gizmo... jiggles Up. Furious, she races back to the Salesman. Radio. he assures her it�s right there Into the onboard computer. all she He demonstrates: �classical,� he (click) Paganini. King classic plays. She says, and (click) a garth brooks �folk� and (click) joan baez sings Down. Acropolis snaps on. That she isn�t paying much attention Another driver runs a light and cuts �asshole!!!� she screams. �ladies and gentlemen, the president Subject: new catch phrases at work Thank you. we�re all refreshed and By your unique point of view. But i�ll bet it�s hard to pronounce. And mine is purely coincidental. Just don�t give a damn. Someday, we�ll look back on this, Nervously and change the subject.
