54.learn to properly pronounce the These 55.call to complain about service. Didn't mean it. Manager to tell his supervisor he's 57.report a petty theft to the order 58.use expletives like "great caesar's Town." Order last time. Adamantly declare, "i shall not be Your sweet words." Those nose hairs. Something. Call to pizza place, take 1, and. . . 64.ask if the pizza is organically 65.ask about pizza maintenance and 66.be vague in your order. "again, with a little more oomph this 68.if using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 Order. This button on the phone does." 70.start the conversation by reciting My last entry." Far as this relationship is going to 72.ask if they're familiar with the term Description to go with the term. ask 73.say, "kssssssssssssssht" rather That. Aura. use it to your advantage. Your pizza, include another pizza. Harmonica. stop talking at regular 77.ask if they would like to sample 78.perfect a celebrity's voice. stress Some Gofer. 80.teach the order taker a secret Orders. Your seat." when asked to repeat "i said, 'sauce smothered with meat'." Mushrooms. make the last thing you "no mushrooms, please." hang up Respond. Change it slightly. when it is repeated Change it again. on the third time, 84.when you're given the price, say, Hate math." 86.order a one-inch pizza. 88.when they say, "will that be all?"-- Won't we?" Applicable. To make that pizza. Puberty. fluctuate pitch often; act 92.engage in some serious swapping. "pizza." avoid saying it at all costs. if Says it, say, "please don't mention 94.have a movie with a good car Background. 95.if (s)he suggests a side order, ask 96.ask if the pizza has had its shots. 98.get taker's name. later, call exactly Time of day wake-up call, so-and-so." 99.offer to pay for the pizza with a 100.if any of the above practices are Your best pouty voice, "last guy let Subject: oscar meyer's new song His baloney has a first name, His baloney has a second name: He loves to sling it every day . . ., . ., Of mak - ing bullshit sound o - kay _________________________ Http://www.hotmail.com A bit less delicate in the way of Calling in sick to work makes me How My boss thinks i am lying. on one Lied anyway because the truth was Humiliating to reveal. i simply Head Coming in the next day. by then, i Bandage on my crown. in this case, In the place men feel the most pain. Because i conceded to my wife's Adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, i was When i heard my wife, deb, call out Hearkened,"the garbage disposal is Where The shower (pitter-patter). She pleaded. "what if it starts . . . "c'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a Fears of a person who suffers from Condition brought on by watching Futile to argue or explain, kind of like Are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, Ground The rest of my life. so out i came, To make a statement about how her Consequence but it was i who would Under the sink to find the button. it The last action i remember Warning, without Wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me Our new kitty, clawing playfully at Between my legs. She ("buttons" aka "the grater") had Stalked me as i took the bait under Was most vulnerable, she leapt at Snagged them with her needle-like Sense danger anywhere close to Masculine region, they lose all Bodily Nerves compel the body to contort Violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could Supporting The situation in a step-by-step Sometimes faced with a "fight or Predicament, choose only the Moment how a cat feels when it is Whereas cats seek great heights to Sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my Cold. When i awoke, my wife and the Been fully Snorted as they tried to conduct Work while suppressing their I should Coax an explanation out of me. i Silent, claiming it was too painful to Your tongue?" If they had only known. Subject: our daily bread Read, "smell of baked bread may be Article went on to describe the Bread. the main danger, apparently, This aroma may break down ozone I was horrified. when are we going to Global warming? sure, we Is the government going to go after Well, i've done a little research, and Anyone think twice.... Convicted felons are bread eaters. Up in bread-consuming households Standardized tests. Virtually all bread was baked in the Was less than 50 years; infant High; many women died in Typhoid, yellow fever and influenza 4: more than 90 percent of violent Of eating bread. Called "dough." it has been proven Dough can be used to suffocate a More bread than that in one 6: primitive tribal societies that have Cancer, alzheimer's, Osteoporosis. Addictive. subjects deprived of Begged for bread after only two 8: bread is often a "gateway" food Items such as butter, jelly, 9: bread has been proven to absorb Than 90 percent water, it To your body being taken over by Turning you into a soggy, gooey 10: newborn babies can choke on 11: bread is baked at temperatures That kind of heat can kill an 12: most american bread eaters are Significant scientific fact In light of these frightening statistics, Restrictions: 2: no advertising of bread within 3: a 300 percent federal tax on all We might associate with 4: no animal or human images, nor Appeal to children) may be used 5: a $4.2 zillion fine on the three Please send this e-mail on to This crucial issue. An unarmed person." Children Marry? "you flip a nickel, and heads means You try the next one." > > > The same stuff. like if you like You like sports, and she should keep > > > allan, age 10 "no person really decides before Marry. god decides it all way Who you're stuck with." > > > Married "twenty-three is the best age Forever by then!" > > > You got to be a fool to get married!" > > > Are married? "married people usually look happy > > > eddie, age 6 "you might have to guess based on The same kids." > > > Have in common? "both don't want no more kids." > > > > > > People should use them to get to Something to say if you listen long > > > lynnette, age 8 "on the first date, they just tell each Them interested enoug Would care to order dessert. Your children the proper distance To keep you on the edge of financial Feedback: the inevitable result when Strained carrots. When you're mad at him. Your children are wonderful even They're sure you're not raising them Hearsay: what toddlers do when Impregnable: a woman whose Independent: how we want our Everything we Ow: the first word spoken by children Prenatal: when your life was still Puddle: a small body of water that Shoes into it. Talented than yours. Baby's pacifier by boiling it and to On it. Put a child wearing superman Two-minute warning: when the Begins to make Verbal: able to whine in words In your house ... Human conception typically involves Sperm seeking a path to a single So many Of them will stop to ask for Subject: parents getting a divorce Son in new york and says, "i hate to That your mother and i are divorcing; Enough." The son screams. Other any longer," the old man says. Of talking about this, so Her," and he hangs up. Explodes on the phone. "like Shouts. "i'll take care of this." Screams at the old man, "you are Single thing until i get there. i'm Brother back, and we'll both be there Do a thing, do you hear me?" and The old man hangs up his phone and "they're coming for thanksgiving and What do we tell them for christmas?" One day a man went to an auction. really wanted this bird, so he got bidding, but kept getting outbid, so finally, after he bid way more than parrot was his at last! as he was paying for the parrot, he this parrot can talk. i would hate to find out that he can't talk!" "don't worry." said the auctioneer, bidding against you?" Subject: parrot > a lady bought a parrot from the > the bird home, the bird would say > a whore." weeks of trying to teach > useless, & the bird still dropped > inopportune moments, much to Her Visit, & sure enough, while he was Only words it would say. after The lady explained her bird The priest offered to take the As all his birds would say were In their talons, & he was certain The lady's bird. so he took the Cage with his two birds, & the first Out of the newcomer's mouth were, The What would happen was When one of his birds said to the Away, Subject: party joke Party blowout, john woke up with a Mouthed, and utterly unable to recall events of the preceding evening. able to make his way downstairs, Front "louise," he moaned, "tell me what I think?" Voice dripping with scorn. Yourself, succeeded in antagonizing entire board of directors, and Company to "he's an asshole - piss on him." He fired you." "i did. you're back at work on Subject: partying and marriage Afternoon. but, being payday, >going home, he stayed out the Boys and >when he finally appeared at home, A For nearly two hours with a tirade >finally his wife stopped the nagging >you like it if you didn't see me for >to which he replied. "that would be >monday went by and he didn't see Came Come thursday, the swelling went >enough where he could see her a Eye. Password Computer, and he wanted to log in Understand he's got somewhat of a Shock effect... so when the Password, he keys in "penis"... Laughing so hard when the computer > > Long enough *** > > Subject: pastor Told the pastor, �when i grow up, i�m �well, thank you,� the pastor replied, Smiled, �but why?� Poorest preacher we�ve ever had.� Bad news Pastor People today in the river. The swift current. To send you a get-well card. 30. Accepted your job description the Bad news: they were so inspired by Committee to find somebody Good news: you finally found a choir Exactly the same way you do. Good news: mrs. jones is wild about Bad news: mrs. jones is also wild Butthead" and "texas Good news: your women's softball Bad news: they beat your men's Good news: the trustees finally Bad news: they are going to Parsonage. Dramatically the last three weeks. Good news: your deacons want to Bad news: they are stalling until the Good news: your biggest critic just Bad news: he has been appointed Denomination. Come to your house for a surprise Bad news: it's in the middle of the Paper and shaving cream to Steven thode A man observed a woman in the Girl in her basket. as they passed the For cookies and her mother told her To whine and fuss, and the mother Have half of the aisles left to go Long.� soon, they came to the candy Shout for candy. when told she The mother said, �there, there, Aisles Out.� when they got to the checkout Began to clamor for gum and burst Discovering there�d be no gum Said, �monica, we�ll be through this Stand in 5 minutes and then you can Man followed them out to the To Noticing how patient you were with Replied, �i�m monica - my little girl�s Steven thode There�s a story about an mit student The harvard football field every day Striped shirt, walking up and down Throwing birdseed all over the field, Off It came time for the first harvard Walked onto the field and blew the Delayed for a half hour to wait for Guy wrote his thesis on this, and Steven thode * michael jordan makes $300,000 a * assuming $40 million in * michael will be making $178,100 a * assuming he sleeps 7 hours a $52,000 Plums dance in his head. Cost him $7.00, but he�ll >> > $18,550 while he�s there. Egg, he will make $618 >> > Boiling it. An hour of tv. Acura nsx ($90,000 ) it would * if someone were to hand him his They >> > > would have to do it at * he�ll probably play a round of golf, $33,390 for that round. Maximum of 15% of his income into Will hit the federal cap of 8:30 a.m. on january 1st,1998 Penny for every dollar he made, $65,000 a year. While watching the 100 meter * he�ll make about $15,600 while the * while the common person is Trendy chicago restaurant, he�ll pull * next year, michael jordan will make All of our past presidents for all of * amazing isn�t it?... His income for 270 years to That of bill gates A taxing story Comes to our attention that needs To make it a good story. this is one To the irs in the midst of Of dependents, exemptions, and Speaks for itself.] I am responding to your letter Three dependents that i claimed Thank you. i have questioned For years. they are evil and They are minors and not my (who evidently is taxing me more to Something about them and what to Apply next year to reassign Deduction. this year they are yours! Brilliant. ask her! i suggest you put Where she can answer people's She has no formal training, it Knowledge of any other subject you Breeze; next year she is going to You will now be responsible for That over keep in mind that she has Moment so you have the immediate Department of defense funds to Drive her to school. kristen also has She possesses all of the wisdom of I have felt it best to Virtues of abstinence, and in the Sex. this is always uncomfortable Handling this in the future. may Elders, who had a rather good Patrick is 14. i've had my suspicions Close together for normal Himself one day if you do not Was awakened at three in the Bringing pat home. he and his Future would you like him delivered Ogden, ut? kids at 14 will do almost Purple. permanent dye, Learn to deal with it. you'll have Out a few days of school after Of filing your phone number with Of his friends have raging hormones. Testosterone and it will be much Home. do not leave any of Explosives, inflammables, inflatables, Sure that you will find telephones a And be sure to lock out the Heather is an alien. she slid through Magic one year. i'm sure 21. she came from a bad trip in the Dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and Fortunately you will be raising my Remedial reading courses. hooked The schools dropped it. good news! Amount of the deduction Obvious that we were terrible Have Of terror. she cannot speak english. Understand the curious patois she The reggae/yuppie/political Sends her to a speech pathologist Added a refreshing mexican/irish Backwards, pants baggy and More times. there is a fascination But i am sure that you can handle it. Her, as she sort of "nests" Be easier to move the entire thing Made of. Exemptions so it is only fair you get Prefer that you take the youngest, i But then i am free! if you Time for counseling before heather Take the two girls then i won't feel so Academy. please let me Possible as i have already increased To cover the $395 in additional tax Airplane. Bob Added this caveat at a later date: Allowed the deductions." Subject: pearls from andy rooney Thousand dollars a For forty-thousand Prisoners into my Have bars Room and board to Run twelve Generate And if they don't want to run, they Chair that's hooked up to the ***** On ads in bills: Have you ever noticed that they put In with your bills now? They have to Get back at When i mail Write, "could You." ***************************** Knew what that Coming up to You can take April fresh ***** On cripes: My wife's from the midwest. very Very wholesome. they use words Cripe's sake.' who would that be, The son of 'gosh' of the church of I'm not making fun of it.you think i 'heck'? ***************************** Morning. the men Can't help it. we The women are Way i look in the You. we have no Nerve. ***** On pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel Kicking. Do you wanna I always feel awkward reaching over It's weird to ask someone to feel Don't do that when i have gas. "oh Me your hand... it won't be long ***** On granma: My grandmother has a bumper Says, 'sexy senior citizen.' you don't Of your grandmother that way, do Shawl contests. makes you wonder Dollar she gave you for your ***** On award shows: Can you believe how many award They have awards for commercials. Whole show full of commercials. i Then i fast-forwarded through the ***** On phone-in-polls: You know those shows where people On different issues? Like 18% that say Call up and "honey,i feel very strongly about Phone. Looking proud.) What you This guy> probably calls up phone $2.95 to say "i'm not in the mood." ***************************** Did you ever hear one of these Messages on someone's answering "hi, it's a great day and i'm out Now. i hope you are too. the Is: 'share the love.' beep." Calling....speaking Stop sharing Subject: pearly gates conversation Strike up a conversation. The second. �that�s awful,� says the first man. Death?� �says the second man. �you get the Fingers and toes. but eventually, Numb and you kind of drift off, as if Did you die?� Man. �you see, i knew my wife was Up at home unexpectedly. i ran Alone, knitting. i ran down to the There, either. i ran up to the second But no one was hiding there either. i And just as i got there, i had a The second man shakes his head. You mean?� asks the first man. The freezer, we�d both still be alive.� Quick wit: Defendant: "no, i did not." Penalties are for perjury?" Lot better than the From: priscilla d isenberg Sent: friday, june 27, 1997 To: Us; [email protected]; michael_g. [email protected]: >>penis study >> >>several years ago, great britain The Than the shaft. the study took two The results of the study concluded Man's penis is larger than the shaft More pleasure during sex. >> Germany decided to conduct their They were convinced that the results After three years of research and They concluded that the head of a Shaft to provide the woman with >>pleasure during sex. >> Study were released, canada >>conduct their own study. the >>or german studies. so, after >>research and a cost of around >>complete and came to the On a Shaft is to prevent your hand from Forehead. Subject: penis taxes Internal revenue service To: all male taxpayers Payment form #1040-p. Taxed yet is your penis. this is due Hanging around unemployed, Of the time it is hard up, and 10% of This, it has two dependents and Accordingly, as of april 1, 1998 your To determine your category, please This information on page 2, section 10-16 inches luxury tax 8-10 inches pole tax 5-8 inches privilege tax 4-5 inches nuisance tax Please note: anyone under 4 inches Ask for an extension!!!! Inches must file under capital gains. Peter checker Steven thode A guy stood over his tee shot for Up, looking down, measuring the And Finally his exasperated partner says, Blasted ball!� There watching me from the Perfect shot.� Snowball�s chance in hell of hitting Subject: perfect woman... Perspective.... 20 things the perfect woman would 1) i'll swallow it all... i love the taste To drink? 4) shouldn't you be down to the pub 5) that fart was great! do another 6) i've decided to stop wearing 7) you're so sexy with a hangover. Go shopping. Penthouse. Me going down on my girl friend? Sex tonight? Me to a game? Safer than i am, and besides 14) actually we shouldn't have been The kitchen. Idea. This, let's just go out Friends for a while, shall we all go to 18) why can't you let your hair down Me? Work, but can i gag on it just one 20) aim where you like, it's really Subject: perfection A perfect woman met. after a Perfect wedding. their life together Snowy, stormy christmas eve, Perfect car (a grand caravan) along Noticed someone at the side of the Couple, they stopped to help. Bundle of toys. not wanting to Eve of christmas, the perfect couple Vehicle. soon they were Unfortunately, the driving conditions Couple and santa claus had an The accident. who was the Answer.) > > > > > > > > > > The only one who really existed in Knows there is no santa claus and Man. Women stop reading here, that is the > > > > > > > > > > Santa claus, the perfect woman must Explains why there was a car Woman and you're reading this, this Never listen either. Terminology Lots of time on phone Exceptionally well qualified - made no Work is first priority - too ugly to get Active socially - drinks a lot Drinks, too What he/she does Excuses Decision (sound familiar? lol) Uses logic on difficult jobs - gets Expresses themselves well - speaks Meticulous attention to detail - a nit Has leadership qualities - is tall or has Exceptionally good judgment - lucky Dirty jokes Loyal - can't get a job anywhere else Period Assignment to find out about Exciting and relate it to the class the When the time came to present what Called Class, and with a piece of chalk, Small white dot on the blackboard, Puzzled, the teacher asked him just "it's a period," said the little boy. What is so exciting about a period?" Boy, "but this morning my sister was Attack, mommy fainted, and the man Shot himself." Subject: perpetual easter bunnies Highway, when he saw the easter The road. he swerved to avoid The rabbit jumped in front of his car
