Tightly and Next she picked up a hacksaw. Screamed, "stop! You? Her eye, And said, nope. Do whatever you have to". ---------- [smtp:[email protected]] 9:37 pm Shorkey'; 'bob west'; 'brett thompson'; Tenney'; 'craig drouillard'; 'drew 'jeff kufalk'; 'kirk mcewen'; 'lennie Mondayko'; 'mayson mcpeek'; Meuller'; 'mike leek'; 'odie perez- 'rich mcgurr'; 'rick scutt'; 'rob coy'; 'rob 'rudy abelli'; 'sam chance'; 'shawn 'steve thode'; 'student'; 'timmie' I know some are repeats, but they are New bumper stickers > horn broken. watch for finger. But you're still an idiot. > cover me. i'm changing lanes. > learn from your parents' mistakes - > i'm not as think as you drunk i am. Using your turn signal. A fountain of smart? > lottery: a tax on people who are > it is as bad as you think, and they > auntie em, hate you, hate kansas, > change is inevitable, except from a > time is what keeps everything from > i love cats...they taste just like > out of my mind. back in five > forget the joneses, i keep us up > born free...taxed to death. Like my dog. You're an idiot. > i get enough exercise just pushing > sometimes i wake up grumpy; other > all men are idiots, and i married their > jack kevorkian for white house > work is for people who don't know > montana-at least our cows are > i didn't fight my way to the top of the > women who seek to be equal to > if you don't like the news, go out > when you do a good deed, get a > sorry, i don't date outside my > no radio - already stolen. Can't handle drugs. They have power surges. Were negative. It. Reality check? Men act it. Every minute of it. Laziness pays off now. > irs: we've got what it takes to take > time is the best teacher; > it's lonely at the top, but you eat > according to my calculations, the > some people are only alive because > pride is what we have. vanity is > a bartender is just a pharmacist with > reality? is that where the pizza > how can i miss you if you won't go > warning: dates in calendar are > give me ambiguity or give me > we are born naked, wet, and > make it idiot-proof and someone will > always remember you're unique, just > friends help you move. real friends > very funny scotty, now beam down > puritanism: the haunting fear that > consciousness: that annoying time > i souport publik edekashun. Your nursing home. Holder... Who can count & those who can't. Word? Again? The new car radio A woman always wanted an Drive around and be seen in. she Dealer, and plops down several State-of-the-art, computer She�s driving off. decides she wants Radio. Panel at nasa. she fiddles with this These and those, but finally gives Can�t find the damned thing. Dealership and screams at the Tells him they forgot to install the In front of her. it�s hooked Has to do is tell it what she wants. Says. The car fills with the sounds of �blues,� she says, and (click) a b.b. She drives off amazed. �country,� Tune comes on. About the night they drove ol� dixie �new age� and (click) yanni at the She�s so captivated by this new toy To the road. Her off. (click) Of the united states.� �new catch phrases at work� Challenged I don�t know what your problem is, Any connection between your reality I have plenty of talent and vision. i What am i? flypaper for freaks!? Laugh I�m not being ru What the fuck you are doing. ������ d a m n i t o l Can go to hell for up ������ st. m o m m a's w o r t Depression by Unconscious for up to two days. ������ suppository that eliminates ������ by reminding you of how awful ������ and how you couldn't wait till ������ p e p t o b i m b o Women. two full cups Out increases breast size, Prevents conception. ������ when taken with peptobimbo, ������ iq, resulting in enjoyment of ������ trucks. ������ increases life expectancy of ������ road rage and the urge to flip ������ m e n i c i l l i n Women. increases As, "you make me want Get naked now?" ������ injectable stimulant taken prior ������ increases potency, duration, ������ spending spree. ������ relieves headache caused by a ������ your birthday, anniversary or ������ a n t i-t a l k s i d e n t Wallet to be used on Life stories with ������ n a g a m e t Husband, provides the same Weekend, saving Doing it herself. Subject: new elements Recently been discovered. here for Properties. Symbol: wo There!) In form. Time. melts whenever treated Chemical properties: very active. Affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and Alone. able to absorb great amounts When placed next to a better Usage: highly ornamental. an Dispersion of wealth. probably the Agent known. Inexperienced hands. Symbol: xy Physical properties: solid at room Shape easily. fairly dense and Pure Are unable to conduct electricity as Chemical properties: attempts to Also tends to form strong bonds with When mixed with kd (element: child) Neutralize by saturating with Usage: none known. possibly good Able to produce large quantities on Caution: in the absence of wo, this Begins to smell. The manager scowled, �look, i don�t Place you worked at before, Name. it breeds familiarity and that Authority. i refer to my employees Jones, baker - that�s all. i am to Now that we got that straight, what The new guy sighed and said, �okay, john, the next thing i want to Steven thode Once there was a beautiful woman Garden, but no matter what she did, Ripen. admiring her neighbor�s Red tomatoes, she went one day and �it�s really quite simple,� the old man Morning and in the evening, i expose And they turn red with Desperate for the perfect garden, To expose herself to her plants twice Neighbor stopped by to check her �so,� he asked, �any luck with your �no,� she replied excitedly. �but you Cucumbers!� Two priests were talking together Younger, "you know, when you Into church with all your new ideas, i Going to fit in and how well "when you wanted to put bucket Seats, i had my doubts. but now, Up with young people, so i have to "then, when you wanted to "jazz" up Newer, peppier songs, i was Parishioners. now, we have a lot of The To pick up the services a lot more Have to agree that you were "but when you wanted to put in the Admit i thought you'd lost People coming to confession than With another good idea." That says "toot 'n tell or go to hell" Subject: new member of nudist Bob joins a very exclusive nudist His clothes and starts wandering Walks by him and the man Woman notices his erection, comes Says, �no, what do you mean.� Let me explain. it�s a rule that if i Called for me.� Side of a pool, lays down on a towel, Lets him have his way with her. He enters a sauna, sits down, and Horribly corpulent, hairy man The steam towards him. For me?� �you must be new here, it is a rule Called for me.� Around, bends him over the bench To the colony office. he is Receptionist. �may i help you?� Back. you can keep the $500 joining �but sir, you�ve only been here a Small fraction of our facilities...� Hard-on once a month, but i fart 15 Subject: crusty wafflenose Stressful day, you need some The day. here is your dose. follow Name. Children's book, "captain underpants The perilous plot of professor Evil Assume new names. Name is poopsie liverfanny. what's Use the third letter of your first Name: > >a =3d poopsie > >c =3d buttercup > >e =3d crusty > >g =3d fluffy > >i =3d chim-chim > >k =3d flunky > >m =3d pinky > >o =3d goober > >q =3d slimy > >s =3d snotty > >u =3d dorkey > >w =3d oprah > >y =3d dinky > > Name to determine the first half of > > > >b =3d toilet > >d =3d burger > >f =3d barf > >h =3d waffle > >j =3d monkey > >l =3d liver > >n =3d rhino > >p =3d hamster > >r =3d gizzard > >t =3d gerbil > >v =3d pickle > >x =3d tofu > >z =3d stinker Use the fourth letter of your last Of your new last name: > >a =3d head > >c =3d face > >e =3d tush > >g =3d pants > >i =3d lips > >k =3d butt > >m =3d tushie > >o =3d hiney > >q =3d toes > >s =3d fanny > >u =3d sprinkles > >w =3d squirt > >y =3d brains > > Your new name as the subject. Average of 146 times a day, adults Put more laughter in your life!!! ---------- [smtp:[email protected]] 10:38 am Morrison; barb kilgore > new nuns > two scottish nuns have just To the Of this country actually eat dogs." "but if we shall live in america, we > as well do as the americans do." > superior points to a hot dog It. > dogs, please," says one. the And > wraps both hot dogs in foil. Bench > begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' the Hers, Leans over to the other nun and Did you get?" > > Accident. norris goes to heaven and Looks down at fallon in hell. > has a beer in his hand and a Off "what is this shit? i think i want to go > hell! just look at my friend down > beer has a hole in the bottom, > ------------------------------- > shipwrecked > a boat cruising the pacific ocean Only Men, safely swam to a nearby Island. > Being stranded on the tiny deserted > they made huts to live in. grew > entertainment. everybody was Had a They had been without sex for some Now. > since there was only one woman, Fair That the woman would marry one of > and spend a week with him as his Woman Marry the next, and so on. > Shipwrecked cast enjoyed this For > long years until one fateful day, Became Things were alright for awhile...... > after two weeks, things got > worse... after four weeks, things Five Her! > > Who just got sick and tired of all the One evening and memorized all the > capitals. > back in the office the next day, Dumb The shrill announcement: "i've had it Blonde jokes. i want you to know > this blonde went Something probably none of you > do: i memorized all the state > "i don't believe you; what's the > Subject: new office phrases From: the management That some of the language used in Several of our fellow employees. we However, management realizes that Should be able to express views Comparative phrases should be used Memorize the new phrases, so an The workplace. New phrase I�m not certain that�s feasible. Really? Perhaps you should check with� Of course, i�m concerned. I wasn�t involved in the project. I�m not sure i can implement this. Sooner? i�ll try to schedule that. Are you sure there�s a problem? How nice. You don�t say. Excuse me? Excuse me sir? Life? they won�t be happy with this. I�m a bit overloaded at the moment. I don�t think you understand. I love a challenge. You�d like me to take care of this? Yes. i think we should discuss this. I don�t foresee any problems. He needs some training. You�d like my help? Interesting behavior. It was getting a little crowded in The admittance policy. the new law Heaven, Day you died. Noon the following day. Person came to the gates of The angel at the gate, remembering The man, "before i can let you in, i Day you died." For some time now, i've thought my That each day on her lunch hour, 25th floor apartment and have sex Come home too and catch them. I got there and busted in and Guy. At me as i searched the entire Find him! just as i was about to Onto the balcony and noticed that Edge by his fingertips! the nerve of Me!" Stomped on his fingers until he Know it, he landed in some bushes In rage i went back inside to Hands on to throw at him. and oddly Was the refrigerator. i unplugged And heaved it over the side. it Him! the excitement of the moment So great that right after that i had a Instantly." Moment. technically, the guy Crime of passion, so he announced, Heaven," and let him in. a few Here's the rule. before i can let you Died. You're not gonna believe this. Floor apartment doing my daily Away and accidentally fell over To catch myself by my fingertips Mine. when all of the sudden this Apartment and starts cussing and Course i fall, i hit some trees and Broke my fall so i didn't die right As i'm lying there face up on the Excruciating Refrigerator, of all things, over the And it falls directly on top of me and Laughing to himself as the man To this new policy.", he thinks to Announces. "welcome to the kingdom Enter. a few seconds later a third Gate. Says the angel. "i'm naked inside a refrigerator..."to: Subject: new position > "you want to try a different > the wife replies, "that's a good > stand at the sink and do And fart." [smtp:[email protected]] Pm [email protected]; michael_g. [email protected]: Mail*link� smtp fwd>>none Nervous he could How he had done. the monsignor Getting nervous on the pulpit, i put a glass of vodka next to the nervous, i take a sip." so the next sunday he took the of the sermon, he got nervous and up a storm. upon return to his following note on his door: 1. sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2. there are 10 commandments, Constipated. 5. jacob wagered his donkey, he The late j.c. 7. the father, son, and holy ghost junior, and spook. 8. david slew goliath, he did not And knocked off his donkey, he was stoned off his ass. 10. we do not refer to the cross as The last supper he said, "take Body", he did not say, "eat me." 12. the virgin mary is not referred A meal is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, for the grub, yeah god." 14. next sunday there will be a peter's, not a peter-pulling Unknown, but it brings good luck to Who breaks the chain will have bad Send money. just forward it to Wish good luck. you will see that something good If Receive good luck in four days. sorry to do this to you: this is a love chain letter. within 5 other teens. on the 5th day a Tell that they love you. if you do not Future Since 1877 and hasn't stopped since. warning* if you do not pass this on, or case 1: take heather dickson of man named dennis samson. dennis And Thought chain letters were stupid did not pass it on. two days later, after having visited his other lover She recieved this letter and being On to a few of her friends but To send out the full 10 that you three days later, sarah was at a Struck this is the letter: After reading this letter to 10 Will receive luck in love. the that you are most attracted to will not a joke!!!!!!! you have read the On!!!!! Within 45 minutes of reading it. Walking along the street when he ran ann heartearn, his secret love for 5 him of her passionate crush on him And Children, happy as ever. Send this to, the better luck you Follows ------------------ Admin;17 apr 1997 07:11:04 -0500 ([192.101.132.146]) by (post.office mta v2.0 0613 id aaa145; thu, 17 apr 1997 X-sender: X-mailer: windows eudora pro Mime-version: 1.0 Charset="us-ascii" [email protected],wcp N.edu,[email protected], From: [email protected] Subject: 0400 <19970417111101252.aaa145 --------- end forwarded message Steven thode Dolphins Perfect dolphins team for �98. the Quarterback to replace the injured Colleges, and even the high schools, Quarterback that will ensure a super Watching cnn, he sees a war zone in Out of the corner of his eye, he Truly incredible arm. first, Into a 15th story window over 200 Throws another hand grenade into a 110 yards away�ka-blooey! then, Bulls-eye! Barely open window. �i�ve got to get Has the perfect arm!� Teaches him the great game of Breaks all nfl records for completed The dolphins go on to handily win the Lionized as the great hero of Asks him what he wants, all the Mother. Hands the phone to his young Says into the receiver, �i just won Super bowl!� Woman says. �you deserted us. �i don�t think you understand, Just won the greatest sporting event Thousands of adoring fans.� Implores. �at this very moment, The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Within an inch of their life last week, Attacked in broad daylight....� the Pauses, in tears. �...i�ll never My husband, not happy with my Me a mood ring the other day so he To monitor my moods. when i'm in a Turns green. when i'm in a bad mood Big f'n red mark on his forehead. Diamond !!!! New stickers attached to s.u.v.'s (s.u.v.) should automatically roll Sharp turns and in changes of Door during Pavement could cause paint Scrapes, which are not covered You will know that a rollover situation Rushes to your head and no sky is Caution: driving at low speeds Always drive your new s.u.v. at Your new s.u.v. is designed to give Tops Bicycles that are blocking your lane. The s.u.v.�s undercarriage during Maneuver. if scraping noises persist, Examine the undercarriage for Warning: dragging a small car Cause not Between the s.u.v. and the road, Car or other object has entangled In the chassis of your s.u.v., press Rapidly shift the transmission A rocking Disengaged. Possible total braking surface area On rough or wet road surfaces Produce fishtailing and skidding. Automatically spin in a three- Series of Action by turning the steering wheel Could interrupt the spinning process As with any oversized and New s.u.v. is Mirrors and conventional �back and Strategies. maneuver strictly by feel Encountered Can be eliminated by your new Overwhelming mass and engine Pedal Resistance and all metallic sounds Ceased. Minimum number of safety features Standard equipment. Fight with your spouse or drink three New s.u.v. road rage is built in. your Driver an illusion of supreme potency Invincibility at all times and in all Diminished by courteous or passive Remember: the other driver is the Block Tailgate other vehicles until they Are pushed aside, avoid using the Down. Steady cruising speed below seventy Per-gallon figure than the s.u.v. Risks reducing running costs and Benefits to the environment. if your From Probably not burning fuel fast This can result from persistently Condition is not corrected by And by Least one hundred m.p.h., see your Subject: new taxi driver A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to Tapped him on the shoulder. The air, and yanked the wheel over. A lamp post and came to a stop Shop window. Mean to frighten you, just wanted Taxi driver says, 'not your fault sir. I've been driving a hearse for the Steven thode Kalageorgi; bill raley; bob buckley; Family; gregory shepherd; Rachel gerstl; ken summers; lonnie Jones; priscilla Subject: fw: new words for the 90's 1. blamestorming: sitting around in a Was Was responsible. And weight-lifting fanatics who look Out obsessively. Flies in, makes a lot of Then leaves. Expert brought in to reduce The top brass with clean hands. Cubicles. Always seem to have their idea 7. mouse potato: the online, wired Couch potato. Yells or drops something loudly Pop up over the walls to see what�s 9. sitcoms: what yuppies turn into One of them stops working to stay Income, two children, oppressive 10. squirt the bird: to transmit a 11. starter marriage: a short-lived Divorce with no kids, no property 12. stress puppy: a person who Out and whiny. Card that has been rendered Worn away from extensive use. Training classes just to get a Three serious students in the class; Rest 15. treeware: hacker slang for Material. Swiping free photocopies from 17. going postal: euphemism for Losing it. makes reference to the Employees who have snapped and 18. alpha geek - the most Person in an office or work group. Around 19. assmosis - the process by which Success and advancement by kissing Hard. Hardware, salsa = software. �well, Problem�s in your chips or your 21. flight risk - used to describe Planning to leave a company or 22. good job - a �get-out-of-debt� Take in order to pay off their debts, They are solvent again. Media spectacles that are Unable to stop watching them. the Trials were a prime example. Fine art of whacking the crap To work again. Being fired. heard on the Downsizing computer firm: �you have The number of an uninstalled vice Number Ask the operator for assistance.� 26. vulcan nerve pinch - the taxing Reach all the appropriate keys for Warm Involves simultaneously pressing the Key, the command key, the return 27. yuppie food stamps - the Atms everywhere. often used when Meal: �we owe $8 each, but all Stamps.� Won�t get out of it alive! Subject: new work rules Most large corporations, this is The following to be filtered down: Approaching, i thought i would share Changes implemented by my Have been discussed at And three martini lunches, by the top Many, many, many, companies. Company Work rules Acceptable. we will no longer accept Statement as proof of illness, as we The doctor, you 2. leave of absence for an This Thoughts that you may not need all You have, and you should not We hired you as you Certainly makes you less than we 3. death, other than your own: this Funeral services to be held late in the Off an hour Date. Accepted as an excuse, but we Least two weeks notice, as we feel it Your job. Much time is being spent in the The future, you will follow the Order, for instance, those Be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, You are unable to go at your To wait until the next Again. Much you do, you'll never do 7. quality of work: the minimum 8. advice from owner: eat a live toad Nothing The day. 10. when the boss is wrong, refer to Steven thode Gates Went over a cliff and they all showed Saint peter was taken aback. never Showed up. he remembered once a Told them that this was most Consult with god. he left them and How many showed up he too was Cautious and let in only a few. st. And then came running back to Many are left?" st. peter said, Steven thode One night a wife found her husband Crib. Stood looking down at the sleeping She saw on his face a mixture of Amazement, enchantment, Touched by this unusual display and Eyes glistening she slipped her arms �a penny for your thoughts,� she �it�s amazing!� he replied. �i just can�t Like that for only $46.50!� Newlywed squabbles Visiting us when the topic of children The bride said she wanted three Said They discussed this discrepancy for a Thought he'd Boldly, "after our second child, i'll Without a moment's hesitation, the You'll love the third one as if it's your Subject: newsflash!!! polish terrorism Copycat terrorist act, polish Stosh and yonko binladenski have They've bounced off 5 buildings! film Steven thode Compared Nixon: the cold war Complaints toward the president..... Clinton: carpet-burns Nixon: his was greek Presidential qualities..... Clinton: couldn�t stop kissing her. Explain.... The tapes Presidential nicknames.... Clinton: slick willy Nixon: i am not a crook Subject: no baby planes? From: russ decrease Sent: sunday, july 27, 1997 To: steve thode; hugh Subject: fw: fw: > a mother and her son were flying > chicago. the son (who had To his Have baby dogs and big cats have > cats, why don't big planes have > Of an answer) told her son to ask the The stewardess, "if big dogs have > dogs and big cats have baby Baby > Your mother tell you to ask me?" > he said that his mother had. > so the stewardess said, "tell Pulls Steven thode Merv was in a terrible accident at Ripped off both of his ears. He settled with the company for a And went on his way. one day, merv Small, but growing telecom Communications. after weeks of Company Nothing about running such a Someone who could do that for him. Interviews. the first guy was Needed to and was very interesting. Asked him, �do you notice anything Gentleman answered, �why yes, i Ears.� merv got very angry and Interview was with a woman, and Guy. he asked her the same Different about me?� and she Merv again was upset and tossed Was the best of all three. it Fresh out of college. he was smart. He seemed to be a better Together. merv was anxious, but Ahead and asked the young man the Anything different about me?� Answered: �yes. you wear contact And said, �what an incredibly World did you know that?� the Hysterically and replied, �well, it�s With no ears! *****************************
