Can Subject: preparation for Here is some important advice for Yet...and a big laugh for everyone So you want to be a parent? True preparation for parenthood at Have children, find a couple who About their ... 2. lack of patience. 4. allowing their children to run wild. Improve their child�s sleeping And overall behavior. Your life that you will Lesson 3 ... 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag Pounds, with a radio turned to static Some other obnoxious sound) 2. at 10pm, put the bag down, set Sleep. Living room again, with the bag, 4. set the alarm for 3:00 am. Get up at 2:00 am and make a 6. go to bed at 2:45 am. Goes off. Am. Up for 5 years. look cheerful. Can you stand the mess children 1. smear peanut butter onto the 2. hide a piece of raw chicken behind All summer. Clean walls How does that look? Dressing small children is not as easy 1. buy an octopus and a small bag 2. attempt to put the octopus into Hang out. time allowed for Lesson 6 Of scissors and pot of paint, 2. now take the tube from a roll of Tape and a piece of foil, turn it into 3. last take a milk carton, a ping- Cocoa puffs. make an exact replica Lesson 7 Wagon. and don�t think that you can And shining. family cars don�t look 1. buy a chocolate ice cream cone Leave it there. Player. Chocolate cookies. mash them into Back seat. Sides of the car. there. perfect. Get ready to go out. An hour. 3. come in again. 5. come back in. 7. walk down the front path. 9. walk down it again. For five minutes. Least 6 questions about every Chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead 12. retrace your steps. Much as you can stand until the You. House. you are now just about To try taking a small child for a walk. Repeat everything at least five Lesson 10 With you the nearest thing you Grown goat is excellent.) if you Take more than one goat. Letting the goats out of your 3. pay for everything the goat eats Accomplish this, do not even Lesson 11 2. make a small hole in the side. Swing it from side to side. And attempt to spoon them Pretending to be an airplane. Are gone. Other half up into the air. Month-old baby. 1. learn the names of every Barney, Disney. Least five years. 1. move to the tropics. 3. dig down about halfway in and 4. do this 3-5 times a day for two Lesson 14 Saying �mommy� repeatedly. Second delay between each Occasional crescendo to the level of 2. play this tape in your car Years. Trip with a toddler. 1. start talking to an adult of your 2. have someone else continually tug Or elbow while playing the �mommy� 3. you are now ready to have a There Lesson 16 Pick a day in which you have an 2. take a cup of cream, and put 1 3. stir. Saturate a towel with this mixture. Towel. 7. go directly to work. Go for a ride, but first... Pitbulls. It in the back seat of your car. Your car. Delicate, strap the cat into For the really adventurous.... Replace the cat at each stop. - new language New team, but George w. bush is bringing with him From texas, and for State, the texan Colloquialisms can seem a bit Colorful Nobody driving Party (not very generous) 4. big hat, no cattle 5. we've howdied but we ain't shook (we've made a brief acquaintance, Hear him crow Himself) 7. she's got tongue enough for 10 (that woman can talk) 8. it's so dry the trees are bribin' the (we really could use a little rain Doesn't mean it can fly 10. this ain't my first rodeo Keepin' him under the porch Said grace And run with the antelope. Horse Oven, but that (you can say whatever you want but that doesn't change what it is) Elementary school Elementary school to address a > children about tragedies. before > give him an example of a tragedy. > and he selected a little girl. > the girl said, "if a boy chased a > killed by a car, that would be a > Be an accident." > a second student said, "if a bus > and all were killed, that would be a > Moment and said, "no, i believe that Asked the class again for an example > no one raised a hand. he said, Example > Said, "if you and mrs. clinton were Exploded and you both were killed, > would be a tragedy." > the president was very glad and > > An accident and it sure wouldn't Subject: president clinton of the The following phrase: Can be rearranged (with no letters Once) into: Coincidence? i think not. And dick cheney are flying on air >> one. >>> > george looks at laura, Could throw Window right now and make Happy." >>> > laura shrugs her shoulders >>> > $100.00 bills out the window >>> > Then, i could throw one-hundred >>> > bills out the window and >>> > At all of them and says to his There..... hell, i could throw all Make 56 million people very happy." >>> > thought there would be more Subject: presidential advce By george washington�s ghost in the �george, what is the best thing i Clinton asked. Example, just as i did,� advised Clinton didn�t sleep well that night. Jefferson moved through the �tom, what is the best thing i could Asked. Government,� advised tom. Either. the next night, he saw Shadows. �abe, what is the best thing i could Asked. �if you see a bandwagon, it�s too - - sir james goldsmith Service -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Thank you for calling the white House voice mail system. no one is This time because the entire Please follow these instructions When you are finished, don't hang The call. have a nice day. Leave a message for the president, If your are female and would like to President, press m-o-t-e-l-6. Press n-o-w. Leave a message for chelsea, press To leave a message for buddy, press To leave a message for socks, press To leave a message for roger clinton, To leave a message for ted kennedy, If you are from arkansas, ask the You which button has a 2 on in and If you are calling with a question And step to the back of the phone If you are calling to arrange a night D-o-l-l-a-r. House coffee, pres y-e-n. Birth control program, press If you are calling leave a message for To leave a message for the Rights, To leave a message for a member of B-i-g-d-o-n-o-t-h-i-n-g. Campaign, press h-o-p-e-l-e-s-s. Press b-i-t-e-m-e. To speak to a slick operator, stay on Answer your call shortly. Subject: presidential jokes Disposition... i was telling her to �lie in Q: what was president clinton�s A: he paid it. President clinton and the titanic? The titanic. And asked the question: �would you �never again.� Just wrote a new book? Satisfy my husband�. Clinton. he�s just giving the people ? george okeefe Dole have in common? Finished first. Interested in events in the middle A: he thought the gaza strip was a The wizard of oz in dc Dc. he sees al gore and asks if there Says al. �i�d like to have a He gives the veep a brain. From new york, and asks if there is For a second and says he Says the wizard, and he gives the Finally the wizard sees bill clinton and President wants. bill pauses, looks Asks, �where�s dorothy?� Bill clinton steps out onto the white Right in front of him, on the white Must go� Well, old bill is pretty ticked off. he Hq, and yells �somebody wrote a Lawn! and Had to be standing right on the Where were you guys?!� the Ashamedly at the floor. bill hollers Out Answer, and i want it tonight!� the And races for the exits. Officer approaches him and says Bad news and we have some really Clinton says �oh hell, give me the bad The officer says �well, we took a The results just came back, and it Clinton says �oh my god, i feel so... President! News?� Hillary�s handwriting.� [email protected] Subject: president's testimony by "president's testimony" by dr. seuss I did not do it in a bar. I did not do it in the park. I did not ever fornicate. I did not do it in her pants. I did not do it in her face. If you think that, you've been misled. I did not do it on the phone. I never boinked saddam hussein. I never fondled linda tripp. With volunteers like kathleen willey. Thatcher. Catch her. I wouldn't, even with my wife. Was paid for by my right-wing foes. Troopers I did not ask my friends to lie. I did not do it last november, I did not do it in the hall. I never did it in my study. I never did it to sox, the cat. I never did it in a hurry. There was no sex at arlington. I might have copped a little feel, But never did these things so lewd, These things to which i have They do not count, if we stayed It never happened with a cigar. I did not know this little sin, I broke some rules my mama taught I tried to hide, but now you've But i implore, i do beseech. i might have got a little tail. Subject: pressing all the buttons A man travelling by plane was in But each time he tried, all Attendant, aware of his Attendants "ladies room" but The buttons !" there Buttons marked respectively: ww wa > > >> Restroom facility but his curiosity got Carefully pressed the ww button and Water sprayed his bare Gals really have it nice." So, a little more boldly he pressed Warm air blew across his wet "aha," he thought, "no wonder these Bathroom with these kind of Button, pp, with anticipation. a soft Him and dusted his bottom lightly Great." he thought as he reached > > >> Morphine was just wearing off, so in Nurse to find out where he was and That the last thing he Ladies room on the plane. the nurse Must have been having a great time Tampon removal button. by Pillow". �800 independence avenue s.w. Dear sirs, Prevention of hijackings, and at the Back on its feet. Not allowed to look at naked women, Flight attendants with strippers. The planes for fear of seeing a Businessman� in this country would Naked woman. hijackings would end Record sales. I still have to do� everything�myself? Bill clinton [smtp:[email protected]] 11:53 pm Subject: "beth powell" Fwd>i'm batman!!!! (fwd) A priest and a nun are on their way Breaks down. they are unable to get Night in a hotel. the only hotel in the Priest: sister, i don't think the lord Circumstances, if we spent the night Sleep Bed. They prepare for bed and each one Ten Nun: father, i'm terribly cold. (he does) Nun: father, i'm still terribly cold. Another blanket. (he does) Nun: father, i'm still terribly cold. i If This one night. And get your own damn blanket. Subject: priest's horse For his church, was told there was a Decided to buy a horse and enter Local auction, the going price for To buy a donkey instead. although Figured that he might as well enter It would do. to his surprise the Day the headlines read: priest�s ass He entered the animal Won.the headline read: priest�s ass With this kind of publicity Enter the donkey in another race. Scratches priest�s ass this was too The priest to get rid of the To a nun in a nearby convent. the Has best ass in town the She would have to dispose of the Finally sold the beast to a local Nun peddles ass for ten bucks they Steven thode An old lady is rocking away the last Reflecting on her long life, when-all Appears She will be granted three wishes. Guess i would like to be really rich.� Solid gold. Being a young, beautiful princess.� She turns into a beautiful young Fairy godmother. Wanders across the porch in front of �ooh, can you change him into a ? poof- there before her stands a Anyone could possibly imagine. she With a smile that makes her knees And whispers in her ear: �bet you�re Subject: prison or work? > Your time in an 8'x10' cell Time in a 6'x8' cubicle. >in prison you get three meals a day One meal and you have to pay for it. >in prison you get time off for good >at work you get rewarded for good > All the doors for you. Security card and unlock and lock all > Games. Tv and playing games. >in prison they allow your family and >at work you cannot even speak to > Taxpayers with no work required. Expenses to go to work and then >taxes from your salary to pay for > Life looking thru the bars from the >at work you spend most of your >bars. >in prison you can join many Time. You can never get out of. >in prison there are wardens who >at work we have managers. > Prison vs. work Mixed up. Clear. . . Your time in an 8x10 cell. Your time in a 6x8 cubicle. Day. One meal and you pay for it. Behavior. Good behavior. Unlocks all the doors for you. Security card and open all the For yourself. Play games. Tv and playing games. At work...you have to share with In prison...they allow your family and At work...you can't even speak to In prison...all expenses are paid by Required. Expenses to go to work and then Deduct taxes from your salary to In prison...you spend most of your Out. Time wanting to get out and go Bars. Sadistic wardens. Now, get back to work! Some of these are repeats, but why Subject: product of the 80's 2. you know the profound meaning 3. you know that another name for a 4. you can name at least half of the 5. you know who tina yothers is. 7. you felt ashamed when rob lowe Minor Him. 9. you ever wore fluorescent, neon 10. you can breakdance (or wish you 11. you wanted to dress like the hulk 12. you believed the "by the power Power. Seemed sooo far away. Were more than meets the eye. Search. Jackson looked like before his nose Off. Knew someone who did. Roberts" signed on its butt, or Someone who did. "talkin"bout". 21. you hold a special place in your Future." "wanna go where everybody knows Name." Really cool. Dancing" was a really good movie. Pail kids." 27. you knew "the artist", when he 28. you actually saw ted danson as Be. State of the art video game. Records. The year 2000 we'd all be The moon. Any of the carebear glass Pizza hut or any other collection of Had the 33. poltergeist freaked you out. In a gremlins or an et 35. you have ever pondered why Smurf. Underneath a short skirt and felt Knew someone who did. Three. Corey's (haim or feldman). Heather locklear. Night live was funny. Superman underoos. 43. you had a crush on jon bonjovi, 44. you thought eating reeses 45. your name is jennifer or jason. 47. you had a poster of rob lowe, On your 48. you held the top score on 49. you had mall hair. Shot j.r." or know someone 51. if you ever said "i pity the fool". A-team van, kitt, or the 53. you knew who max's boss 54. you were sad when the "where's 55. one word "menudo". 57. you remember when cellular Be Over our shoulder. Of this list then you, my Send this to any one that would Future". to a time when movie stars The project Major technological Drawing board. Research----it was discovered by Project slightly behind original Difficulties----we are working on The designs are well within allowable Stretching Customer satisfaction is believed Schedule Anything at all from us. Should have asked someone else, or Spread the responsibility for this. Next reporting period----we haven't Say something. Are being tried---we don't know We're Test results were extremely Suprised!!! Fresh approach to the = Just hired three new guys; we'll let Preliminary operational tests are When The entire concept will have to be Understood the thing just quit. Correct certain minor difficulties---we Starting from scratch. ---------- ---------- ---------- A woman recently lost her husband. His ashes In, she poured him out on the Then she started talking to him, and Ashes, You promised me irving?� she With the insurance money!� she Said, �irving, remember that new car Again Insurance money!� still Finger in the ashes, she said, �irving Promised you? Subject: proof of ownership Old ladies > > >> > (___) > > >> > / /"\ \ > > >> > ( _ ) > > >> > /\\v//\ > > >> > \ \__ _/ / > > >> > || || > > >> > ||_ _ _|| > > >> > ||| > > >> > '"'"' Store and put the most expensive Went to the check out counter where Told the check out girl. "nothing but Girl at the cash register said, "i'm Food without proof that you have a To eat, and the management wants Food for The little old lady went home, picked To the store. > > >> > |\_._/| > > >> > ( t ) > > >> > `. ; .' > > >> > ((_((|))_)) They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to Most expensive dog cookies -- one Cashier Now had a dog, claiming that old Frustrated she went home, came Brought in her dog. > > >> > > >> > /##| \ \___ o \ | _____/ > > >> > ===== > > >> > | |_ \ > > >> > =\ / |__ She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box Little old lady asked the cashier to The cashier said, "no, you might The little old lady assured her that That would bite her. so the cashier Pulled it out and told the little old Crap." Ear, "now, my dear, can i Paper?" Moral: never fool around with little name 1 grand theft auto 3 2 gran turismo 3 concept 2001 3 v-rally 3 *cd1* 4 tony hawk's pro skater 4 5 red faction 2 6 toca race driver 7 burnout 8 4x4 evo 2 9 auto modellista 10 gran turismo 3 a-spec 11 world rally championship 12 dave mirra freestyle bmx 2 13 007 agent under fire 14 rally fusion 15 bmx xxx 16 aggressive inline 17 need for speed hot pursuit 2 18 mortal kombat deadly alliance 19 colin mcrae rally *cd1* 700mb Platinum 48x 700mb Platinum 48x 700mb *spa/swe* platinum 48x 23 tekken 4 24 wwf smackdown: shut your (green) Tdk d-view 650mb (blue) Tdk d-view 700mb (metallic) Tdk d-view 700mb (metallic) *cd1* verbatim crystal 48x Tdk d-view 700mb (metallic) Tdk d-view 700mb (orange) Tdk d-view 700mb (orange) Cortex tdk d-view 700mb 33 street hoops 34 nba live 2003 35 transworld surf 36 midnight club street racing 37 tom & jerry: war of the whiskers 38 ssx tdk 39 the getaway 40 grand theft auto vice city 41 grand theft auto vice city 42 pac man world #2 43 ssx tricky 44 moto gp #3 45 wwe crush hour 46 king of route 66 47 def jam vendetta 48 midnight club ii 49 nba street vol. 2 50 the italian job 51 gran turismo concept 2002 700mb Universal 4,7gb name 1 grand theft auto 3 2 gran turismo 3 a-spec 3 mortal kombat deadly alliance 4 tekken 4 5 crash bandicoot: the wrath of (orange) Tdk d-view 700mb (orange) Tdk d-view 700mb (metallic) Tdk d-view 700mb (metallic) Pain tdk d-view 700mb 10 need for speed: underground 11 colin mcrae rally 4 12 gta: vice city Raley; bob buckley; chris muffett; Natasha jones; priscilla d isenberg; Subject: psychiatrist - sex Because she was having severe With her sex life. the psychiatrist Not seem Problems. Your husband's face while you are "well, yes, i did once." "very angry." He was really getting somewhere Interesting, we must look into this You have only seen your husband's Somewhat unusual; how did it occur You saw his face that time?" At us." No arms And sees this guy standing next to Urinal. the guy has no arms. as Business, he wonders to himself how Take a leak. bob finishes and starts Help him out. being a kind soul, bob You.� Zipper?� bob says, �ok.� Out for me?� bob replies, �uh, yeah, Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of Clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, The Bob points for him. bob then shakes The guy tells bob, �thanks, man, i Problem, but what the hell�s wrong The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt Ain�t touching it. Jessie jackson Caused by the revelation of my act > procreation, i accept my obligation > population for my act of > temptation, for the anticipation of > not obtain through masturbation, > Provided her with excitation, Replication, and liberation. she > lubrication to avoid inflammation > avoid contamination. she cried for > termination, in spite her > Aggravation, and the agitation and > of the media has resulted in my > degradation. my wife is > which would require my > Culmination in my sanctification and Nomination to my ultimate vocation Termination. > i hope this proclamation has And > sincerely, > the rev. jesse jackson Subject: pulitzer pups Four men were bragging about how Was an engineer, the second an Chemist, and the fourth a To show off, the engineer called to Square trotted over to the desk, Promptly drew a circle, a square, That t-square was pretty smart! Could do better. he called his dog How smart you are!� spreadsheet Returned with a dozen cookies. he Cookies each. everyone agreed, Was good! Even better. he called his dog and Measure got up, walked over to the 10-ounce glass from the cupboard Spilling a drop. everyone oohed Impressed! Government worker, and said, �what Worker called to his dog and Coffee break jumped to his feet, ate Pooped on the paper, sexually Claimed he injured his back while Unsafe working conditions, put in for Home for the rest of the day on sick Subject: pulling hair Mother because his little sister pulled "don't be angry," the mother says, Pulling hair hurts." Crying, and the mother goes to this time the sister is bawling and Steven thode An english professor wrote the Nothing" on the blackboard and Correctly. Man, is nothing." Her, man is nothing." A nurse was on duty in the Woman with purple Mohawk, sporting a variety of Wearing strange clothing, entered. it Had acute appendicitis, so she was When she was completely disrobed Noticed Green, and above it there was a That read, "keep off the grass." The surgeon wrote a short note on Patient's dressing, which said, Subject: punk rocker The mall when a young man with Beside him. the boy's hair was Green, orange & purple. he had Old man just stared at him. the boy Haven't you done anything wild in "well yes, Had sex with a parrot. i was Subject: punny stuff - there are plans in the works to Self-sustaining space Sent to the By vegetation and animal life. the Sent will be The colony. the Have an entire shipment solely of The first herd shot around the world. Saloon in the old Up to the bar and announces: "i'm Who shot my paw." The bartender, A beer?" the bartender replies, "for - the boston symphony was Ninth. there's The bass violinists So, some bassists decided to go to For a quick one. Them looked at We need to get back!" a few Staggered back to Places. about this The audience noticed the conductor Said as much to Said her companion. See? it's the bottom of the ninth, the And the bassists are loaded." Carolina. one went Hollywood and became a famous Behind in To much. the Naturally, became known as the - did you hear about the buddhist Dentist's Wanted to A group of chess enthusiasts had And were Recent After about an hour, the manager Office and asked Asked, as they moved "because," he said, "i can't stand In an open foyer." "let go" of old relationships. as an Who writes to his old beloved. it will Tears to your eyes.� pure poetry. ================= I know the counselor said we Our Wait anymore. the day you left, i I'd never talk to you again. but that Talking. One to make contact. in my It was always you who would come Needed that. but now i see that my Tired of pretending i don't miss you. i Anymore. i don't care who makes the Maybe it's time we let our hearts Is Like you, terri." Of every woman i see, but they're You. they're not even close. two Rainbow I don't say this to hurt you, but just Illustrate the dep
