Addition of several new Some older ones. Of the Sinning to join the choir. Bottles, and other Proceeds will be used to cripple * the lutheran men's group will meet Mashed potatoes, green Served for a nominal * please place your donation in the With the deceased * attend and you will hear an Heave a healthy lunch. Fine dining Gracious hostility. Off clothing of Seen in the basement on friday * this evening at 7 p.m. there will be The park across from Prepared to sin. Thursday morning at Invited to lunch in the fellowship hall Is done. Ladies of the Him their electric girdles for the Next sunday morning. Meet thursday at Back door. Presenting shakespeare's Basement friday at 7 pm. the To attend this tragedy. At the first Use large double door at the side * mrs. johnson will be entering the Week for testes. Church's new Last sunday: "i upped my pledge - up * our next song is "angels we have Subject: real e-mail addresses Many universities, government offices To strip the last name down Last initial to either the Initial to either the beginning or end to they are just now beginning to may cause when you have a large with e-mail. add to that a large acronyms and you have some very undoubtedly not funny to the these are some examples of actual please do not e-mail these people. University) martha elizabeth cummins [email protected] Front drawers & cabinets inc.) mary ellen dickinson (indiana [email protected] Verdes university) barbara joan beeranger [email protected] University) ida beatrice ballinger (ball state [email protected] Electrical, northern Overton canada) isabelle haydon adcock (toys [email protected] Real headlines from real newspapers: Crash, expert says Down jaywalkers Passengers should be belted Case Parents >>>- -iraqi head seeks arms Uranus? >>>- -prostitutes appeal to pope Takes over Again Islands Mushrooms >>>- -teacher strikes idle kids More lies ahead >>>- -shot off woman's leg helps >>>- -enraged cow injures farmer with >>>- -plane too close to ground, >>>- -miners refuse to work after >>>- -juvenile court to try shooting >>>- -stolen painting found by tree Dies Years in checkout counter Second time in 10 years 84 >>>- -if strike isn't settled quickly, it >>>- -cold wave linked to >>>- -enfields couple slain; police >>>- -man struck by lightning faces >>>- -new study of obesity looks for >>>- -astronaut takes blame for gas in >>>- -kids make nutritious snacks Helping feed needy Massachusetts fire Short supply Trotwood Trees In half Rabies >>>- -deaf college opens doors to >>>- -air head fired >>>- -prosecutor releases probe into >>>- -old school pillars are replaced >>>- -bank drive-in window blocked >>>- -hospitals are sued by 7 foot >>>- -some pieces of rock hudson >>>- -sex education delayed, >>>- -include your children when > --------- end forwarded message ---------- Subject: real sat questions! Were collated from sat tests given Year old students! (don't laugh too President someday.) Q: name the four seasons. a: salt, Which water can be made safe to A: flirtation makes water safe to drink Pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep Shines down on the leaves and Perspire. Q: what is a planet? a: a body of earth Oceans? a: the tides are a fight The earth and the moon. all water Because Nature abhors a vacuum. i forget The sun joins in this fight. Q: in a democratic society, how Important. sex can only happen when Keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: what happens to your body as you Bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: what happens to a boy when he Bye to Adultery. Q; name a major disease associated Sour? a: keep it in the cow. Q: how are the main parts of the body The body is consisted into three parts - Abdominal cavity. the branium The Cavity contains the five bowels, Nearby. Q: what is the most common form of Contraception by wearing a "caesarean section." a: the Section is a district in rome. Q: what is a seizure? a: a roman You are sick at the airport Q: give an example of a fungus. what Mushrooms. they always grow in >umbrellas. Q: what does the word "benign" After Arab wears on his head. Q: what is a hindu? a: it lays eggs. Subject: real stories of the non- Real stories of the non-technically I worked with an individual who Itself and for the life of them could not Would not turn on. 1st person: �do you know anything 2nd person: �a little. what�s wrong?� The recipient called back to say all A blank page. i tried it again, and 2nd person: �how did you load the 1st person: �it�s a pretty sensitive To read it by accident, so i folded it And read it.� I recently saw a distraught young You need some help?� i asked. she Replaced the battery in this remote My car. do you think they (pointing Would have a battery for this?� Alarm, too?� i asked. �no, just this Handing it Key and manually unlocked the door, There and check about the - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - Say now.� Ready�.� Person: �how do i know when it�s - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Company to tell them to change his Woman who took the call asked Explain, she interrupted and said, What state is it in?� Several years ago we had an intern Was typing and turned to a Typing paper. what do i do?� �just With that, the intern took his last It To make five blank copies. I was working the help desk. one day Called me and asked if anything Coins into the openings of her pc. i Was thinking of doing. she said, Out my trusty tool kit and paid her a Enough, there was 40 cents. One of our servers crashed. i was Administrator trying to restore it. he Path He started to type it and paused, Line thing?� And he said, �you know, that one Exclamation mark.� i replied, �you The letter �i�?� and he said, �yeah, - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - He wanted to discard. Under his refrigerator, making it Move the lamp while the cord was Cord, since the lamp was unusable Unplug Rolling back and forth. I was in a car dealership a while ago Into the garage. the front of the And the whole thing generally looked Manager what had happened. he Cruise control, then went in back to - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Speak to bob. the person who Would you like to hold?� I rented a movie from blockbuster. Comes on the screen saying, �this Television screen.� comment from Size screen i have?� Subject: real stories Doing a rotation in toxicology at the Woman called in very upset because Ants. i quickly reassured her that the Would be no need to bring her Calmed down, and at the end of the Mention that she gave her daughter Ant poison to eat in order to kill the Her daughter in to the er right away. Employees on the field decidedto They were successful in getting They took it for a float on the Surprised by a coast guard helicopter Was homing in on the emergency Raft is inflated. they are no longer I worked for a while at a wal-mart Employee of wal-mart you are Wide Hardware who needs assistance at Tentative female voice came over Intercom system with the (i kid you Customer by the balls in toys who A police officer had a perfect hiding One day, everyone was under the Problem: a 10 year old boy was A huge hand painted sign which said More investigative work led the Another boy about 100 yards Reading �tips� Change. Subject: real work Colonel were dining with the general His quarters one evening. the Lieutenant stated that making love to The major disagreed and stated that Is 40% work and 60% fun. Were both wrong and that the ratio 80% work and 20% fun. Young sergeant. All dead wrong. it must be 100% "why do you say that?" asked the "because," answered the young All, For you!" Subject: reality (clinton joke) During a recent publicity outing, Teller of some local repute. in a dark Crystal ball, the mystic delivered �there�s no easy way to say this, so Be a widow. your husband will die a Year.� Woman�s lined face, then at the Her hands. she took a few deep Simply had to know. she met the Voice, and asked her question. Realizing the obvious Now i can't even get into my own *� time may be a great healer, but *� marriage changes passion, Relative. Shirt with "guess" on it...so i *� i don't do drugs anymore 'cause i Standing up fast. One dog, get one flea..." Ok ... they know me here. Really wanted a screamer or a *� i don't approve of political jokes... Get elected. Life..... yet it has absolutely *� there are two sides to every *� i love being married. it's so great Person you want to annoy for the *� shopping tip: you can get shoes *� i am a nobody, and nobody is *� i married my wife for her looks... Giving me lately! Record for number of consecutive *� if carrots are so good for the Rabbits on the highway? Two people to run for president and *� if you remain calm, you just don't *� why is it that most nudists are *� snowmen fall from heaven Subject: really amazing....gotta try This is a real quick one! It only takes about 30 seconds of Write your answers down if you think Think of a letter between a and w. Will not forget as you scroll down. Think of an animal that starts with Loud as you scroll down. Know whos name begins Scroll down. Name and subtract 2 from it. Keep scrolling down. Take the number you came out with, Head that amount of times and get E-mail game playing idiot!!! Steven thode There's this guy sitting at a bar, just For half-an-hour. Driver steps next to him, takes the Drinks it all down. Driver says: "come on man, i was You another drink. i just can't see a "no, it's not that. this day is the And i go late to my office. my Leave the building, to go to my car, i Police, they say they can do And when the cab driver drives My wallet on the seat. i go inside my In bed with the gardener. i leave When i was thinking about Up and drink my poison . . ." Sex q & a With lesbians? Q: what can life savers do that men A: come in five flavors. Pussy? Q: why does miss piggy douche with A: because kermit likes sweet and Q: how can you tell if you have a A: if your girlfriend chews before Q: what do you get when you get Boy A: a red headed bitch with a yeast Q: what is the ultimate rejection? Your hand falls asleep. A gynecologist have in common? Q: what do you call a blonde with A: a blow job with handle bars. Blondes on roller skates? Q. what�s the difference between a A. a guy will take twenty minutes to Q: how do you get your wife to Orgasm? Are. Bonus and a boner? Q: what�s the difference between a A: after 20 years, the job still sucks. Box? To madonna From a feminist? Q: if you are having sex with two In, A: divorce proceedings, most likely. So much? Fw: [fwd: fwd: fw: reasons not to Reasons not to idolize sports figures Chicago cubs outfielder andre Want all the kids to do what i do, to Copulate me." When asked about the upcoming 1,500 yards, whichever comes And, upon hearing joe jacobi of the Mother to win the super bowl," matt Run over joe's mom, too." Player joe theismann 1996: "nobody A genius is a guy like norman Senior basketball player at the Graduate on time, no matter how Bill peterson, a florida state football Alphabetically by height." and "you Line up in a circle." Tyson hooking up again with Anyone expect him to come out Years, not princeton." Wing, explaining why he keeps a Locker: "that's so when i forget how Clothes." Visited the parthenon during his visit The names of the clubs that we went Shaquille o'neal, on his lack of Level, except college and pro." The spartan training regime of Guy who gets up at six o'clock in the Is." Manager, on his team's 7-27 record Can't win on the road. as general Where else to play." Basketball player, explaining to Nervous at practice: "my sister's I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." Telling gator fans that a fire at Destroyed 20 books: "but the real Colored in yet." Manager, when asked after a loss Allowed to comment on lousy no Alan kulwicki, stock car racer, on Sunday afternoons: "its just the Lincoln kennedy, oakland raiders Was going to write myself in, but i Frank layden, utah jazz president, on What is it with you? is it ignorance or Know and i don't care.'" Receiver, on his coach, john jenkins: Wear earrings." Texas a&m, recounting what he told One d: "son, looks to me like you're Subject." When asked by bob costas why he Phillips responded: "because she is Subject: reasons to be a man! Phone conversations are over in 30 You know stuff about tanks. Suitcase. You can go to the bathroom without You don�t have to learn to spell a You can leave the motel bed You can kill your own food. Act of thoughtfulness. Themselves. Something, he or she can still Your Your underwear is $10.00 for a If you are 34 and single, nobody Everything on your face stays in its You can quietly enjoy a car ride from Three pairs of shoes are more than You don�t have to clean your Coming. You can quietly watch a game with Thinking, �he must be mad at me.� Gray hair and wrinkles only add Wedding dress - $2,000. tuxedo You don�t mooch off other�s You can drop by to see a friend Gift. Trap you with, �so, notice Different?� Names of more than five colors. Which way to turn a nut or a You are unable to see wrinkles in The same hairstyle lasts for years, You don�t have to shave below your At least a few belches are expected Your belly usually hides your big One wallet and one pair of shoes, You can �do� your nails with a You have freedom of choice Christmas shopping can be December Subject: recommend you divert Always good to know who you are This is the actual radio conversation Authorities off the coast of Conversation released by the chief Canadians: please divert your course Collision. Your course 15 degrees to the north Canadians: negative. you will have The south to avoid a collision. Navy ship. i say again, divert your Canadians: no, i say again, you Americans: this is the aircraft carrier The united states atlantic fleet. we Destroyers, three cruisers and That you change your course 15 One-five degrees north, or counter- Ensure the safety of this ship. Call. You'll appreciate this joke, whether Worked in human resources or not... Street a highly Was hit by a bus and tragically died. Up in heaven where St. peter himself. "before you get Seems we have a problem. you see, We've never once had We're not really "no problem, just let me in." said the "i'd like to, but i have higher orders. Going to do is let you Heaven and then you One you want to spend an eternity "actually, i think i've made up my Stay in heaven," said the woman. With that st. peter put the executive And it went Opened, and she Out onto the putting green of a In the distance, sat Standing in front, were Fellow executives that she had Life. they were all Cheering for her. they Both cheeks, and talked about old An excellent round of Club, where she Steak and lobster dinner. she met Actually a really nice Time telling She was having such a good time Knew it, it was time to leave. Waved good-bye as she got The elevator went up-up-up and Pearly gates, where st. peter "now it's time to spend a day in She spent the next 24 hours Playing the harp, And before she knew Were over. st. peter came and got "so, you've spent a day in hell, and Day in heaven. now you The woman paused for a second and Never thought i'd say Great and all, So st. peter escorted her to the She went down-down-down, back to When the doors of the elevator Herself standing in a Garbage and filth. she Dressed in rags, picking up the It in sacks. the devil Around her. Woman, "yesterday Was a golf course and a country club Lobster and we danced and Wasteland of Miserable." "yesterday we were Subject: red wings fans A first grade teacher explains to her Avalanche fan. she asks her Are avalanche fans too. Avalanche fan is, but wanting to be Into the air. there is, however, one Along with the crowd. Decided to be different. She retorts. You?" Boasts the little girl. the teacher is a Red. she asks the little girl why she is "well, my dad and mom are wings Responds. Reason," she says loudly. "what if Was an idiot. what would you be "oh," says the little girl. "well, then Subject: redneck birth control Alabama couple decided that was As they could not afford a larger Doctor/veterinarian and told him that To have any more children. the Procedure Problem but that it was expensive. Doctor, was to go home, get a (fireworks are legal in alabama), light The can up to his ear and count to The alabamian said to the doctor, "i World, but i don't see how putting a My "trust me," said the doctor. Bomb and put it in a beer can. he Can up to his ear and began to He Between his legs, and resumed Other hand. Tennessee, mississippi and west Subject: redneck childbirth The redneck�s wife went into labor in Doctor was called out to assist in Electricity, the doctor handed the �here, you hold this high so i can What i am doing.� soon, a baby boy �whoa there,� said the doctor. �don�t Down....i think there�s yet another Minutes he had delivered a baby girl. Put down that lantern... it seems Sure enough, within minutes he had �no, no, don�t be in such a hurry to There�s yet another one coming.� Bewilderment, and asked the That�s attractin� �em?� Subject: redneck computer repair Been working at a computer in your 10: the monitor is up on blocks. Stains on them. Out. Truck parts installed in them. To six. 4: there is a gun rack mounted on 3: there is a skoal can in the cd-rom 2: the keyboard is camouflaged. �critter�. Application Plez compleet this paper, best ya Last name: ________________ [_] billy-bob [_] bobby-sue [_] billy-ray [_] bobby-ann [_] billy-mae [_] bobby-ellen Sue Sex: [_]m [_]f [_]none Occupation: [_] hair dresser [_] waitress Spouse�s name: 2nd spouse�s name: 3rd spouse�s name: Lover�s name: 2nd lover�s name: Relationship with spouse: [_] brother [_] uncle [_] father [_] daughter Number of children living in Number of children living in shed: Number of children that are yours: Mother�s name: Father�s name: Education: 1 2 3 4 (circle highest If you obtained a higher education [_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade Mobile home? Keep them: Own Crank ___ number of vehicles in back yard Blocks You are still slow lerrnin? Firearms you own and where you ____ truck ____ kitchen Bathroom/outhouse Model and year of your pickup: Do you have a gun rack? Newspapers/magazines you [_] the national enquirer [_] the [_] tv guide [_] soap [_] rifle and shotgun [_] ___ number of times you�ve seen a ___ number of times you�ve seen ___ number of times you�ve seen How often do you bathe: [_] monthly How many teeth in your mouth? ___ [_] yellow [_] brownish-yellow [_] n/a Prefer: How far is your home from a paved [_] 1 mile [_] don�t know Redneck humor (no offecnse How do you know when you're When you call the front desk and say Person at the front desk says" go -------------------------------------------- How can you tell if an oklahoma There is dried chewing tobacco on -------------------------------------------- Did you hear that they have raised Tennessee to 32? Out of the high schools! -- Haw" in mississippi? -------------------------------------------- How many rednecks does it take eat Two. one to eat, and one to watch -------------------------------------------- Why did god invent armadillos? 'possum on the halfshell. -- Oklahoma. if it was invented Called a teethbrush. -- Pickup truck on i-40. The driver says, "bout what?" -- Tennessee state lottery? Million years. -- To west virginia? -------------------------------------------- Did you hear that the governor's Burned down? Trailer park. -- Carolina: Still brother and sister. -- Out of arkansas? -------------------------------------------- Two m
