Started." Supposed to be when it's finished?" Picture on the box, it's a tiger." Help with the puzzle. she lets him in Puzzle spread all over the table. Then looks at the box, then turns to What we do, we're not going to be Anything resembling a tiger." Have a cup of coffee, and then put Box." Subject: q & a? To their appearance than improving A: because most men are stupid, but Q: how can you spot the blind guy at A: it's not hard. Nudist colony? Coffee in each hand and a dozen Q: what's the difference between a A: a pick pocket snatches watches. Kilts? Zipper a mile away. Female delivery service? Whenever the hell they feel like it. Some of these i've seen before, but Q. what is the difference between a A. a hooker can wash her crack and Q. why do women call it pms? Taken. A. when you see your mother-in-law New car. A. having an orgasm and calling out Q. what's the definition of macho? Vasectomy. Spot and a golf ball? Ball. A. because it's worth it. A. the same as a quickie, but a guy Q. what do tupperware and a walrus A. they both like a tight seal. "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"? Q. what do you call a lesbian with fat A. well-hung. Purple and pink? Q: what's the difference between a A: 45 lbs. Boyfriend and a husband? Q: why do men find it difficult to make A: breasts don't have eyes. What is the bird of true A: the swallow. Medium and rare? Is rare. They get up in the morning? Scratchsteven thode Inovation Store from looking empty? Just painted a wet paint sign? Counseling? how would you treat Could it be that all those trick-or- As ghosts but as mattresses? ------------------- With a new electric car that can Francisco on 30 cents worth of $30,000. Subject: questions from lawyers Were taken from official court records Was that the same nose you broke as Now, doctor, isn�t it true that when a Cases he just passes quietly away Until the next morning? A: he told me, he says, �i have to kill Q: did he kill you? Killed in the war? How old is he? How long have you been a french Do you have any children or Q: i show you exhibit 3 and ask you if A: that�s me. Picture was taken? Morning when you were sworn in? First marriage terminated? Q: and by whose death was it Q: mrs. jones, do you believe you A: i used to be. Committed suicide? Returned? A: yes. A: none. You don�t know what it was, and you Can you describe it? To the basement? Q: and these stairs, did they go up Q: have you lived in this town all A: not yet. On the verge of unleashing a stupid Said, �your honor, i�d like to strike Q: do you recall approximately the Mr. A: it was in the evening. the autopsy Q: and mr. edington was dead at the Stupid, he was sitting on the table Autopsy! Certificate, had you taken the man�s A. no. A: no. A: no. Certificate you had not taken any Dead, had you? Man�s brain was sitting in a jar on my Out there practicing law Steven thode What do you get when you cross the L l nino. Because �mad cow disease� was What do a tornado and a redneck Sooner or later, someones bound to Did you hear about the 3 men who Two held her down while the last did What do a christmas tree and a Their balls are just for decoration. Michael jackson and a grocery bag? Dangerous for children to play with Groceries. Skydive? Dog. Depressed? New jersey. Teeth? Concert. Quick thinker Produce section of the market. a Came in and asked to buy half a That they The man replied that he did not need The boy said he would go ask his Walked into the back room and There who wants to buy only a half a Lettuce.� as he was finishing saying Man Added, �and this gentleman wants to Other half�. the manager okayed Way. And said, �you almost got yourself in Lot of trouble earlier, but i must say i Yourself out of it. you think on your Where are you from son?� �oh really? why did you leave The boy replied, �they�re all just There.� Wife is from minnesota!!� Team did she play for?� Subject: quick thinking There was a boy who worked in the Came in and asked to buy half a That they only sold whole heads of Did not need a whole head, only a The boy explained that he would Walked into the back room and said, Wants to buy only a half a head of As he finished saying this, he turned Right behind him, so he quickly Buy the other half�. And the man went on his way. later �you almost got yourself in a lot of Impressed with the way you got out Like that around here. where are The boy replied, �minnesota sir�. Minnesota� asked the manager. the And hockey players up there.� The boy replied, �really! what team 3) the new stewardess Very pretty new blonde stewardess. Stay-over in another city, so upon Stewardess the best place for airline Overnight. Preparing the crew for the day�s Stewardess was missing. he knew She was in at the hotel and called Her. she answered the phone, Out �you can�t get out of your room?� Stewardess replied: �there are only Is the bathroom, one is the closet, �do not disturb�!� (inspirational) Restore an old farmhouse had just A flat tire made him lose an hour of His ancient pickup truck refused to While i drove him home, he sat in Me in to meet his family. as we Paused briefly at a small tree, Both hands. when opening the door, Transformation. his tanned face was His two small children and gave his Afterward he walked me to the car. Got the better of me. i asked him Earlier. oh, that�s my trouble tree,� Troubles on the job, but one thing�s The house with my wife and the The tree every night when i come Them �funny thing is,� he smiled, �when i Up, there ain�t nearly as many as i Before.� Subject: quips & quotes Insanity is hereditary - you get it Technology is simply a means of Have to experience it. Aim is improving. Everything else feels so good. Exceeds demand. Minutes are kept and the hours are Even if you are on the right track, There. Best possible world. People will accept your ideas much Benjamin franklin said it first. Than to live up to them. As it�s an interesting path. Make failure your teacher, not your It hurts to be on the cutting edge. In just two days, tomorrow will be I considered atheism but there I am an escapee of a political Dijon vu - the same mustard as I believe in youthenasia. As yours. Experience. Good. I have kleptomania, but when it gets If marriage were outlawed, only If it weren�t for me, there�d just be a I am not a perfectionist. my parents Steven thode Quotes about the sexes Screwed.�quentin crisp (english When a man goes on a date he Woman Women need a reason to have sex- I love the lines the men use to get us A minute.� what am i, a microwave? Comedienne) Sense of humor from women? so that You. mrs. patrick campbell Eventually, all men come out of the Ernestyne white Man�s; her sexual desire, four times; Times.�sanskrit proverb Magazines, because men don�t think Do. women want to learn. men Know what i�m doing, just show me March isn�t the only thing that�s in Anonymous After men have forgotten the last.� De gourmant (french writer) After four drinks; a woman loses (american writer, 1888-1956) Men, we call it independence. Women, we call it fear of Warren farrell (american Only two things are necessary to Her think she is having her own way, It.� Why get married and make one man And make thousands miserable? -- God made man before woman to give Her first question.�anonymous Subject: quotes from evaluations Performance evaluations: Reached rock bottom and has started �his men would follow him anywhere, �i would not allow this employee to �this employee is really not so much Won�t be.� Supervision and cornered like a rat in �when she opens her mouth, it Whichever foot was previously in �this young lady has delusions of �she sets low personal standards Them.� The sooner he starts, the better.� Somewhere of an idiot.� Efficiency reports (oers): Drawer.� Lifeguard wasn�t watching.� �got a full 6-pack, but lacks the �a gross ignoramus -- 144 times �a photographic memory but with the �a prime candidate for natural de- �one-celled organisms out score him �fell out of the family tree.� Flashing, but the train isn�t coming.� Other is out looking for it.� Him.� For his thoughts, you�d get change.� You can hear the ocean.� 1,000,000 other sperm.� Knowledge; he only gargled.� Minutes.� Dead.� some quotes: - Are better prepared for marriage. Bought jewelry. > i went into a mcdonald's yesterday > the girl at the counter said, "would > jay leno Easier than the first. by the > jackie gleason Kids. it leaves your groin > red buttons Then the nagging starts: "i > mike binder Arresting the human intelligence long > stephen leacock In a dog's face he gets mad at Car he sticks his head out the > steve bluestone Going slower than you is an idiot, Is a maniac. > you have to stay in shape. my Five She's 97 today and we don't know The hell she is. > i'm not into working out. my > carol leifer Language but i can't. so i grew > sue kolinsky To wear clothes they would not > roger simon Tonight, eat a whole box of ex-lax, Cough. > don't spend two dollars to dry > salvation army instead. they'll > next morning buy it back for > billiam coronel Why kamikaze pilots wore > dave edison A cab together without arguing, a > johnny carson When you saw the toilet paper > george lindsey > mike binder Be watching television by > george gobel > Experience childbirth. All our own jars." > bruce willis (on the difference > So people don't There be lawyers, so Satan.'" > george burns > "luge strategy? lie flat and try not > Medal winner - 1996) > "women might be able to fake > whole relationships." > sharon stone > "there are only two reasons to sit > an airplane: either you have > anxious to meet people who do." > henry kissenger (former us > Sex - no matter > Computers) > "my cousin just died. he was only > a bee - the natural enemy of a > > Sweatshirt with 'guess' on > i said, 'thyroid problem?'" > arnold schwarzenegger > honesty is the key to a > that, you're in. > courtney cox (monica on "friends") > "hockey is a sport for white men. > sport for black men. golf is a sport > dressed like black pimps." > tiger woods > "things you'll never hear a woman > attractive scrotum!'" > patricia arquette > "i read somewhere that 77 per > ill live in poverty. actually, i'm > the 23 percent who are > themselves." > jerry garcia (grateful dead) > "capital punishment turns the > but imprisonment turns the state > dungeon-master." > rev. jesse jackson > "my mother never saw the irony in > son-of-a-bitch." > jack nicholson > "clinton lied. a man might forget > where he lives, but he never > matter how bad it is." > barbara bush (former us first lady) > ah, yes, divorce..., from the latin > rip out a man's genitals through his > > Premenstrual syndrome, but i Month that i can > > Sex. men just need a > > Women say they feel more Men than they do Women. they say that Where, of course, men are > > Seen the ads for Problem in this Attention to women's > > Doctors are reporting Reactions to latex Severe swelling. so > > Morals again. > elizabeth taylor > there's very little advice in men's > men think, "i know what i'm doing. > somebody naked." > jerry seinfield > instead of getting married again, > woman i don't like and just give > > Men a brain and a Run one at a time. > robin williams Read this one last, it�s really bad. The street in st. petersburg the A drop hit his nose. "i think it's "no, that felt more like snow to me," "no i'm sure it was just rain, he Were about to have a major Raining or snowing. Communist party official walking "let's not fight about it," the man Whether it's officially raining or As the official approached, the man Officially raining or "it's raining, of course," he answered But the woman insisted: "i know that To which the man quietly replied: Ramblings of a retired mind Symbol of today is those cell phones Afford one. so, i'm wearing my You know, i spent a fortune on People didn't like me anyway. Pictures of missing husbands on beer I was thinking about old age and Something on the ball, but you are � Movie, for folks my age, and call it I know, when people see a cat's litter Got a cat?" just once i want to say, Employment application blanks Case of an emergency.' i think you Why do they put pictures of criminals Supposed to do -- write to these Pictures on the postage stamps so They deliver the mail? Seem to read the bible a whole lot Dawned on me, they were cramming Hoping god grades on the curve. Steven thode Random thoughts (don�t a few of Thousands of years ago, cats were Never forgotten this. Today. it�s already tomorrow in Outside of a dog, a book is man�s Dark to read. Reputation is what people think you Nobody will ever win the battle of Fraternizing with the enemy. That can be recalled by their maker. 44th floor who steps back to admire Friends may come and go, but A baby first laughs at the age of four This: by that time his eyes can focus A man who says marriage is a 50/50 Things: The only gracious way to accept an If you can�t ignore it, top it. If you can�t laugh at it, it�s probably He who hesitates is sometimes The only difference between a rut Why doesn�t tarzan have a beard? Organization. Apes, why do we still have monkeys Never trust a stockbroker who�s Those who live by the sword get shot On the other hand, you have I went to a bookstore and asked the Section?� Defeat the purpose.� Lottery numbers, why are they all still Subject: randy the horny rooster No rooster and he wants chicks. so, Farmer and asks if he has a �yeah, i�ve got this great rooster, Chicken you�ve got. no problem.� Money, but the farmer decides he�d Farmer takes randy home and Giving the rooster a pep talk, � Now. you�ve got a lot of chickens to Here and you cost me a lot of money So, take your time and have some Chuckle. Farmer points towards the hen house ~wham~ he nails every hen on Farmer is just shocked. randy runs Flock of geese down by the lake Randy�s up in the pigpen. he�s in with Animal the farmer owns. That his expensive rooster won�t Farmer goes to bed and wakes up Next day to find randy dead as a Buzzards are circling overhead. Such a colorful animal , shakes his You to pace yourself. i tried to get You�ve done to yourself.� randy Sky and say�s , �shhh. they�re Closer....� To: funny from russ (non- Subject: rating women The rail at their favorite bar...they�re Havin a couple of longnecks, Women go by... this really beautiful Cowboys look at her, tip their hats Smile, and one of them says, �i�ll give And says, �yep. she�s a 3 for Little while later another woman, this Comes walkin by in front of them... Down, smiles, takes a sip from his Cowboy, �well, i think that one must Agrees, and says, �yep...she sure is Time passes on by, and the cowboys Watchin folks pass. and across the Gorgeous, drop-dead beautiful They both kinda straighten up, and Look. first cowboy smiles real wide, That one has got to be a 6.� and the Slowly, grins, and says �yep. Well, the woman hears them...and Real sharply and comes right up to She looks the first one in the eye and Actually standing there rating The cowboys look kinda Boots, and they both nod. one of Are, but you She is real mad now...and looks at You know i�ve been rated far higher You.� Ma�am, you really don�t understand!� Understand? here you are, rating And the first cowboy says, �but Rating system.......� Would that be? no one has ever And the second cowboy says, �well, Ma�am.� Budweiser method?� Her and says, reallllll slowly, �well It would take to pull me off of Steven thode [email protected] Subject: re: (fwd) fw: priorities? Subjective and make too many Why is the baby crying? is your 1. the phone represents your job or About it, whoever Answering machine or can just call 2. the baby, your family. yes Because he/she it in Precidence. however, if the baby is Wants something they cannot or are Best thing is to leave To the crying. if it is due to collic, Make a difference in the time it takes 3. the visitor, your friends. About it, you may be You cannot afford to miss (same Phone by the way). this may be And then links it to Number 1, you must realize that Has expended more effort in The phone. You are dumb enough to hang your When there is the possibility of rain, Me any storm You nor the weatherman has any Wealth. yes, but.....if you priority in Family or yourself, and it these are Directly linked in today�s Impacts the well-being of you and Makes you think, eh??? hmmmmmmm Network engineer >>> >> subject: fw: priorities? Test. let's see how you do... >>> > >> > there are five things To be >>> > >> > of. >>> > >> > 1. the telephone is >>> > >> > 2. the baby is crying. The front door or rings the doorbell. Hanging on the line outside and it >>> to >>> > >> > 5. the water faucet in >>> > >> > Take care of the problems? And scroll down after you've made >>> > >> decision. Something in your life. don't cheat. >>> > >> > > >>> > >> > > >>> > >> > > >>> > >> > 1. the phone >>> > >> > 2. the baby, your >>> > >> > 3. the visitor, your >>> > >> > 4. the laundry, >>> > >> > 5. the running >>> > >> > Eh??? hmmmmmmm Match your priorities in life? >> From: steven thode on mediaone Sent: wednesday, november 25, To: steven thode You already read steve�s answer. Done it. turn off the faucet To the cordless phone. if baby ok (if not safe, drop phone and tend While caller is identifying You take care of person at door. tell Only person it could be calling at such Interested and hang up. if Delivery, sign and he�ll understand Aren�t necessary. if it�s a visitor, Wait a second or two and may You go get the laundry. if it�s a little First and water is used for cleaning It may sound confusing, but you only Time and i do that on a Doing enough. that�s why i�m getting Evaluation. does that answer your Steven k. thode, mcp [email protected] -----original message----- [mailto:[email protected]] 10:37 am '[email protected] Subject: re: (fwd) fw: priorities? >>> > >> > this is an interesting >>> > >> > Going on simultaneously which need >>> > >> taken care >>> > >> > Ringing. >>> > >> > 3. someone knocks at >>> > >> > 4. there is laundry Begins >>> > >> rain. The kitchen is running. >>> > >> > in what order do you >>> > >> > jot down your order, Your >>> > >> > each represents >>> > >> > > > > >> > > >>> > >> > > >>> > >> > > Represents your job or career. Family. Friends. Your sex life. Water, money or wealth. >>> > >> > makes you think, >>> > >> > how close did this test >>> > > >-------------- > a different version of wife 1.0 > ----------< end of comments by > Be taken to heart. as it is sound Own peril. > Software if at all possible!!! > p.a. . > last year a friend of mine 1.0 and Which leaves very little system > available for other applications. > he is now noticing that wife 1.0 is Further > consuming valuable resources. no > phenomena was included in the Documentation, > To be expected due to the nature of > application. > not only that, wife 1.0 installs > at System activity. he's finding that > applications such as pokernight 7.1 ( > The system at all, crashing the > Always worked fine before). > during installation, wife 1.0 Of Motherinlaw 55.8 and brotherinlaw > release. Seems to diminish with each passing > The upcoming wife 2.0: Button > 3) an install shield that allows wife > option Loss of cache and other > 4) an option to run the network Would Feature to be much more useful. > i myself decided to avoid the By > with girlfriend 2.0. even here, > problems. apparently you cannot > girlfriend 1.0 first. other users Should have known about. also, the > versions of girlfriend have conflicts > you'd think they would have fixed > matters worse, the uninstall Work very > well and leaves undesirable traces > another problem is that versions > annoying > little messages about the 1.0. > ***** bug warning ***** > wife 1.0 has an undocumented > before > uninstalling wife 1.0, wife 1.0 will > the Will refuse to install, claiming > > Mistress 1.1 on a different system > Applications such as laplink 6.0. > beware > of similar shareware applications > viruses Solution would be to run mistress 1.0 > a usenet provider under an Beware of the Downloaded from the net. > ---------- ---------- Subject: read it a few times. �i we tar did. sofa king we tar did.� These are some jokes taken from A professional photographer who Taking Remarked, "you have the nicest Did you get them?" the boy looked at Blankly, As a church secretary, a lady Loves you, You?" one day she was deep in Colleague when the phone rang. How may i help you?" she said There was a pause before the caller Would sound different." Slim figure until her mid-40's, when Suddenly noticed she had gained She Think i look fat?" without a moment's Look stupid?" We were visiting new york city. a Scripture and cited several And writers. i nudged my wife, Silently Her eyes lit up, she smiled at me and Her reponse until she leaned over A tourist got separated from his tour Passing nomad for water. "sorry," But You. Mumbled. nearly dead from thirst, he Another man. "water!" the tourist "i have no water," came the reply, Will The wretched tourist stumbled on Hotel in the distance. crawling into Me "sorry, sir," the concierge replied, Tie."
