Apes, why do we still have monkeys Never trust a stockbroker who�s Those who live by the sword get shot On the other hand, you have I went to a bookstore and asked the Section?� Defeat the purpose.� Lottery numbers, why are they all still Subject: randy the horny rooster No rooster and he wants chicks. so, Farmer and asks if he has a �yeah, i�ve got this great rooster, Chicken you�ve got. no problem.� Money, but the farmer decides he�d Farmer takes randy home and Giving the rooster a pep talk, � Now. you�ve got a lot of chickens to Here and you cost me a lot of money So, take your time and have some Chuckle. Farmer points towards the hen house ~wham~ he nails every hen on Farmer is just shocked. randy runs Flock of geese down by the lake Randy�s up in the pigpen. he�s in with Animal the farmer owns. That his expensive rooster won�t Farmer goes to bed and wakes up Next day to find randy dead as a Buzzards are circling overhead. Such a colorful animal , shakes his You to pace yourself. i tried to get You�ve done to yourself.� randy Sky and say�s , �shhh. they�re Closer....� To: funny from russ (non- Subject: rating women The rail at their favorite bar...they�re Havin a couple of longnecks, Women go by... this really beautiful Cowboys look at her, tip their hats Smile, and one of them says, �i�ll give And says, �yep. she�s a 3 for Little while later another woman, this Comes walkin by in front of them... Down, smiles, takes a sip from his Cowboy, �well, i think that one must Agrees, and says, �yep...she sure is Time passes on by, and the cowboys Watchin folks pass. and across the Gorgeous, drop-dead beautiful They both kinda straighten up, and Look. first cowboy smiles real wide, That one has got to be a 6.� and the Slowly, grins, and says �yep. Well, the woman hears them...and Real sharply and comes right up to She looks the first one in the eye and Actually standing there rating The cowboys look kinda Boots, and they both nod. one of Are, but you She is real mad now...and looks at You know i�ve been rated far higher You.� Ma�am, you really don�t understand!� Understand? here you are, rating And the first cowboy says, �but Rating system.......� Would that be? no one has ever And the second cowboy says, �well, Ma�am.� Budweiser method?� Her and says, reallllll slowly, �well It would take to pull me off of Steven thode [email protected] Subject: re: (fwd) fw: priorities? Subjective and make too many Why is the baby crying? is your 1. the phone represents your job or About it, whoever Answering machine or can just call 2. the baby, your family. yes Because he/she it in Precidence. however, if the baby is Wants something they cannot or are Best thing is to leave To the crying. if it is due to collic, Make a difference in the time it takes 3. the visitor, your friends. About it, you may be You cannot afford to miss (same Phone by the way). this may be And then links it to Number 1, you must realize that Has expended more effort in The phone. You are dumb enough to hang your When there is the possibility of rain, Me any storm You nor the weatherman has any Wealth. yes, but.....if you priority in Family or yourself, and it these are Directly linked in today�s Impacts the well-being of you and Makes you think, eh??? hmmmmmmm Network engineer >>> >> subject: fw: priorities? Test. let's see how you do... >>> > >> > there are five things To be >>> > >> > of. >>> > >> > 1. the telephone is >>> > >> > 2. the baby is crying. The front door or rings the doorbell. Hanging on the line outside and it >>> to >>> > >> > 5. the water faucet in >>> > >> > Take care of the problems? And scroll down after you've made >>> > >> decision. Something in your life. don't cheat. >>> > >> > > >>> > >> > > >>> > >> > > >>> > >> > 1. the phone >>> > >> > 2. the baby, your >>> > >> > 3. the visitor, your >>> > >> > 4. the laundry, >>> > >> > 5. the running >>> > >> > Eh??? hmmmmmmm Match your priorities in life? >> From: steven thode on mediaone Sent: wednesday, november 25, To: steven thode You already read steve�s answer. Done it. turn off the faucet To the cordless phone. if baby ok (if not safe, drop phone and tend While caller is identifying You take care of person at door. tell Only person it could be calling at such Interested and hang up. if Delivery, sign and he�ll understand Aren�t necessary. if it�s a visitor, Wait a second or two and may You go get the laundry. if it�s a little First and water is used for cleaning It may sound confusing, but you only Time and i do that on a Doing enough. that�s why i�m getting Evaluation. does that answer your Steven k. thode, mcp [email protected] -----original message----- [mailto:[email protected]] 10:37 am '[email protected] Subject: re: (fwd) fw: priorities? >>> > >> > this is an interesting >>> > >> > Going on simultaneously which need >>> > >> taken care >>> > >> > Ringing. >>> > >> > 3. someone knocks at >>> > >> > 4. there is laundry Begins >>> > >> rain. The kitchen is running. >>> > >> > in what order do you >>> > >> > jot down your order, Your >>> > >> > each represents >>> > >> > > > > >> > > >>> > >> > > >>> > >> > > Represents your job or career. Family. Friends. Your sex life. Water, money or wealth. >>> > >> > makes you think, >>> > >> > how close did this test >>> > > >-------------- > a different version of wife 1.0 > ----------< end of comments by > Be taken to heart. as it is sound Own peril. > Software if at all possible!!! > p.a. . > last year a friend of mine 1.0 and Which leaves very little system > available for other applications. > he is now noticing that wife 1.0 is Further > consuming valuable resources. no > phenomena was included in the Documentation, > To be expected due to the nature of > application. > not only that, wife 1.0 installs > at System activity. he's finding that > applications such as pokernight 7.1 ( > The system at all, crashing the > Always worked fine before). > during installation, wife 1.0 Of Motherinlaw 55.8 and brotherinlaw > release. Seems to diminish with each passing > The upcoming wife 2.0: Button > 3) an install shield that allows wife > option Loss of cache and other > 4) an option to run the network Would Feature to be much more useful. > i myself decided to avoid the By > with girlfriend 2.0. even here, > problems. apparently you cannot > girlfriend 1.0 first. other users Should have known about. also, the > versions of girlfriend have conflicts > you'd think they would have fixed > matters worse, the uninstall Work very > well and leaves undesirable traces > another problem is that versions > annoying > little messages about the 1.0. > ***** bug warning ***** > wife 1.0 has an undocumented > before > uninstalling wife 1.0, wife 1.0 will > the Will refuse to install, claiming > > Mistress 1.1 on a different system > Applications such as laplink 6.0. > beware > of similar shareware applications > viruses Solution would be to run mistress 1.0 > a usenet provider under an Beware of the Downloaded from the net. > ---------- ---------- Subject: read it a few times. �i we tar did. sofa king we tar did.� These are some jokes taken from A professional photographer who Taking Remarked, "you have the nicest Did you get them?" the boy looked at Blankly, As a church secretary, a lady Loves you, You?" one day she was deep in Colleague when the phone rang. How may i help you?" she said There was a pause before the caller Would sound different." Slim figure until her mid-40's, when Suddenly noticed she had gained She Think i look fat?" without a moment's Look stupid?" We were visiting new york city. a Scripture and cited several And writers. i nudged my wife, Silently Her eyes lit up, she smiled at me and Her reponse until she leaned over A tourist got separated from his tour Passing nomad for water. "sorry," But You. Mumbled. nearly dead from thirst, he Another man. "water!" the tourist "i have no water," came the reply, Will The wretched tourist stumbled on Hotel in the distance. crawling into Me "sorry, sir," the concierge replied, Tie." >>>- -steals clock, faces time Into undersheriff By alumni By board Doctors Sold at auction Teachers request training Baking cookies --------- end forwarded message --------- end forwarded message --------- end forwarded message Subject: real sat questions! Were collated from sat tests given 16 year old students! (don't laugh hard - one of these may be the Pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: explain one of the processes by Drink. Drink because it removes large And canoeists. Q: how is dew formed? a: the sun Makes them Earth surrounded by sky. Q: what causes the tides in the Between Tends to flow towards the moon, There is no water on the moon, and Where Important are elections? a: very When a male gets an election. Q: what are steroids? a: things for You age? a: when you get old, so do Bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: what happens to a boy when he Bye to Adultery. Q; name a major disease associated Sour? a: keep it in the cow. Q: how are the main parts of the A: Parts - the brainium, the borax and Abdominal cavity. the branium Contains the Cavity contains the five bowels, Nearby. Q: what is the most common form of Contraception by wearing a "caesarean section." a: the Section is a district in rome. Q: what is a seizure? a: a roman You are sick at the airport Q: give an example of a fungus. Mushrooms. they always grow in >umbrellas. Q: what does the word "benign" After Arab wears on his head. Q: what is a hindu? a: it lays eggs. Subject: real stories of the non- Real stories of the non-technically I worked with an individual who Itself and for the life of them could Would not turn on. 1st person: �do you know anything 2nd person: �a little. what�s wrong?� The recipient called back to say all A blank page. i tried it again, and 2nd person: �how did you load the 1st person: �it�s a pretty sensitive To read it by accident, so i folded it And read it.� I recently saw a distraught young You need some help?� i asked. she Replaced the battery in this remote My car. do you think they (pointing Would have a battery for this?� Alarm, too?� i asked. �no, just this Handing it Key and manually unlocked the door, There and check about the - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - Say now.� Ready�.� Person: �how do i know when it�s - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Company to tell them to change his Woman who took the call asked Explain, she interrupted and said, What state is it in?� Several years ago we had an intern Was typing and turned to a Typing paper. what do i do?� �just With that, the intern took his last It To make five blank copies. I was working the help desk. one day Called me and asked if anything Coins into the openings of her pc. i Was thinking of doing. she said, Out my trusty tool kit and paid her a Enough, there was 40 cents. One of our servers crashed. i was Administrator trying to restore it. he Path He started to type it and paused, Line thing?� And he said, �you know, that one Exclamation mark.� i replied, �you The letter �i�?� and he said, �yeah, - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - He wanted to discard. Under his refrigerator, making it Move the lamp while the cord was Cord, since the lamp was unusable Unplug Rolling back and forth. I was in a car dealership a while ago Into the garage. the front of the And the whole thing generally looked Manager what had happened. he Cruise control, then went in back to - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Speak to bob. the person who Would you like to hold?� I rented a movie from blockbuster. Comes on the screen saying, �this Television screen.� comment from Size screen i have?� Subject: real stories Doing a rotation in toxicology at the Woman called in very upset because Ants. i quickly reassured her that the Would be no need to bring her Calmed down, and at the end of the Mention that she gave her daughter Ant poison to eat in order to kill the Her daughter in to the er right away. Employees on the field decidedto They were successful in getting They took it for a float on the Surprised by a coast guard helicopter Was homing in on the emergency Raft is inflated. they are no longer I worked for a while at a wal-mart Employee of wal-mart you are Wide Hardware who needs assistance at Tentative female voice came over Intercom system with the (i kid you Customer by the balls in toys who A police officer had a perfect hiding One day, everyone was under the Problem: a 10 year old boy was A huge hand painted sign which said More investigative work led the Another boy about 100 yards Reading �tips� Change. Subject: real work Colonel were dining with the general His quarters one evening. the Lieutenant stated that making love to The major disagreed and stated that Is 40% work and 60% fun. Were both wrong and that the ratio 80% work and 20% fun. Young sergeant. All dead wrong. it must be 100% "why do you say that?" asked the "because," answered the young All, For you!" Subject: reality (clinton joke) During a recent publicity outing, Teller of some local repute. in a dark Crystal ball, the mystic delivered �there�s no easy way to say this, so Be a widow. your husband will die a Year.� Woman�s lined face, then at the Her hands. she took a few deep Simply had to know. she met the Voice, and asked her question. Realizing the obvious Now i can't even get into my own *� time may be a great healer, but *� marriage changes passion, Relative. Shirt with "guess" on it...so i *� i don't do drugs anymore 'cause i Standing up fast. One dog, get one flea..." Ok ... they know me here. Really wanted a screamer or a *� i don't approve of political jokes... Get elected. Life..... yet it has absolutely *� there are two sides to every *� i love being married. it's so great Person you want to annoy for the *� shopping tip: you can get shoes *� i am a nobody, and nobody is *� i married my wife for her looks... Giving me lately! Record for number of consecutive *� if carrots are so good for the Rabbits on the highway? Two people to run for president and *� if you remain calm, you just don't *� why is it that most nudists are *� snowmen fall from heaven Subject: really amazing....gotta try This is a real quick one! It only takes about 30 seconds of Write your answers down if you think Think of a letter between a and w. Will not forget as you scroll down. Think of an animal that starts with Loud as you scroll down. Know whos name begins Scroll down. Name and subtract 2 from it. Keep scrolling down. Take the number you came out with, Head that amount of times and get E-mail game playing idiot!!! Steven thode There's this guy sitting at a bar, just For half-an-hour. Driver steps next to him, takes the Drinks it all down. Driver says: "come on man, i was You another drink. i just can't see a "no, it's not that. this day is the And i go late to my office. my Leave the building, to go to my car, i Police, they say they can do And when the cab driver drives My wallet on the seat. i go inside my In bed with the gardener. i leave When i was thinking about Up and drink my poison . . ." Sex q & a With lesbians? Q: what can life savers do that men A: come in five flavors. Pussy? Q: why does miss piggy douche with A: because kermit likes sweet and Q: how can you tell if you have a A: if your girlfriend chews before Q: what do you get when you get Boy A: a red headed bitch with a yeast Q: what is the ultimate rejection? Your hand falls asleep. A gynecologist have in common? Q: what do you call a blonde with A: a blow job with handle bars. Blondes on roller skates? Q. what�s the difference between a A. a guy will take twenty minutes to Q: how do you get your wife to Orgasm? Are. Bonus and a boner? Q: what�s the difference between a A: after 20 years, the job still sucks. Box? To madonna From a feminist? Q: if you are having sex with two In, A: divorce proceedings, most likely. So much? Fw: [fwd: fwd: fw: reasons not to Reasons not to idolize sports figures Chicago cubs outfielder andre Want all the kids to do what i do, to Copulate me." When asked about the upcoming 1,500 yards, whichever comes And, upon hearing joe jacobi of the Mother to win the super bowl," matt Run over joe's mom, too." Player joe theismann 1996: "nobody A genius is a guy like norman Senior basketball player at the Graduate on time, no matter how Bill peterson, a florida state football Alphabetically by height." and "you Line up in a circle." Tyson hooking up again with Anyone expect him to come out Years, not princeton." Wing, explaining why he keeps a Locker: "that's so when i forget how Clothes." Visited the parthenon during his visit The names of the clubs that we went Shaquille o'neal, on his lack of Level, except college and pro." The spartan training regime of Guy who gets up at six o'clock in the Is." Manager, on his team's 7-27 record Can't win on the road. as general Where else to play." Basketball player, explaining to Nervous at practice: "my sister's I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." Telling gator fans that a fire at Destroyed 20 books: "but the real Colored in yet." Manager, when asked after a loss Allowed to comment on lousy no Alan kulwicki, stock car racer, on Sunday afternoons: "its just the Lincoln kennedy, oakland raiders Was going to write myself in, but i Frank layden, utah jazz president, on What is it with you? is it ignorance or Know and i don't care.'" Receiver, on his coach, john jenkins: Wear earrings." Texas a&m, recounting what he told One d: "son, looks to me like you're Subject." When asked by bob costas why he Phillips responded: "because she is Subject: reasons to be a man! Phone conversations are over in 30 You know stuff about tanks. Suitcase. You can go to the bathroom without You don�t have to learn to spell a You can leave the motel bed You can kill your own food. Act of thoughtfulness. Themselves. Something, he or she can still Your Your underwear is $10.00 for a If you are 34 and single, nobody Everything on your face stays in its You can quietly enjoy a car ride from Three pairs of shoes are more than You don�t have to clean your Coming. You can quietly watch a game with Thinking, �he must be mad at me.� Gray hair and wrinkles only add Wedding dress - $2,000. tuxedo You don�t mooch off other�s You can drop by to see a friend Gift. Trap you with, �so, notice Different?� Names of more than five colors. Which way to turn a nut or a You are unable to see wrinkles in The same hairstyle lasts for years, You don�t have to shave below your At least a few belches are expected Your belly usually hides your big
