Her Sure enough, while he was Only words it would say. after The lady explained her bird The priest offered to take the All his birds would say were Their talons, & he was certain The lady's bird. so he took the With his two birds, & the first words "my name is mary & i'm a whore." the What would happen was When one of his birds said to the Our prayers have been answered!" After the annual office christmas party Pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, events of the preceding evening. able to make his way downstairs, Front "louise," he moaned, "tell me what I think?" Voice dripping with scorn. Yourself, succeeded in antagonizing entire board of directors, and insulted his face." "you did," louise informed him. "and "well screw him," said john. Monday." >a man left for work one friday Of Weekend partying with the boys and >when he finally appeared at home, >very angry wife and was barraged >befitting his actions.> And simply said to him. "how would Or three days?"> Fine with me."> His wife. tuesday and wednesday >and went with the same results. Down just Little out of the corner of his left> eye. Password Computer, and he wanted to log in Understand he's got somewhat of a Shock effect... so when the Password, he keys in "penis"... So hard when the computer > > Enough *** > > Subject: pastor The pastor, �when i grow up, i�m going �well, thank you,� the pastor replied, Smiled, �but why?� Poorest preacher we�ve ever had.� Bad news Pastor People today in the river. The swift current. To send you a get-well card. 30. Accepted your job description the Bad news: they were so inspired by Committee to find somebody Good news: you finally found a choir Exactly the same way you do. Good news: mrs. jones is wild about Bad news: mrs. jones is also wild Butthead" and "texas Good news: your women's softball Bad news: they beat your men's Good news: the trustees finally Bad news: they are going to Parsonage. Dramatically the last three weeks. Good news: your deacons want to Bad news: they are stalling until the Good news: your biggest critic just Bad news: he has been appointed Denomination. Come to your house for a surprise Bad news: it's in the middle of the Paper and shaving cream to Steven thode A man observed a woman in the Girl in her basket. as they passed the For cookies and her mother told her To whine and fuss, and the mother Have half of the aisles left to go Long.� soon, they came to the candy Shout for candy. when told she The mother said, �there, there, Aisles Out.� when they got to the checkout Began to clamor for gum and burst Discovering there�d be no gum Said, �monica, we�ll be through this Stand in 5 minutes and then you can Man followed them out to the To Noticing how patient you were with Replied, �i�m monica - my little girl�s Steven thode There�s a story about an mit student The harvard football field every day Striped shirt, walking up and down Throwing birdseed all over the field, Off It came time for the first harvard Walked onto the field and blew the Delayed for a half hour to wait for Guy wrote his thesis on this, and Steven thode * michael jordan makes $300,000 a * assuming $40 million in * michael will be making $178,100 a * assuming he sleeps 7 hours a $52,000 Plums dance in his head. Cost him $7.00, but he�ll >> > $18,550 while he�s there. Egg, he will make $618 >> > Boiling it. An hour of tv. Acura nsx ($90,000 ) it would * if someone were to hand him his They >> > > would have to do it at * he�ll probably play a round of golf, $33,390 for that round. Maximum of 15% of his income into Will hit the federal cap of 8:30 a.m. on january 1st,1998 Penny for every dollar he made, $65,000 a year. While watching the 100 meter * he�ll make about $15,600 while the * while the common person is Trendy chicago restaurant, he�ll pull * next year, michael jordan will make All of our past presidents for all of * amazing isn�t it?... His income for 270 years to That of bill gates A taxing story Comes to our attention that needs To make it a good story. this is one To the irs in the midst of Of dependents, exemptions, and Speaks for itself.] I am responding to your letter Three dependents that i claimed Thank you. i have questioned For years. they are evil and They are minors and not my (who evidently is taxing me more to Something about them and what to Apply next year to reassign Deduction. this year they are yours! Brilliant. ask her! i suggest you put Where she can answer people's She has no formal training, it Knowledge of any other subject you Breeze; next year she is going to You will now be responsible for That over keep in mind that she has Moment so you have the immediate Department of defense funds to Drive her to school. kristen also has She possesses all of the wisdom of I have felt it best to Virtues of abstinence, and in the Sex. this is always uncomfortable Handling this in the future. may Elders, who had a rather good Patrick is 14. i've had my suspicions Close together for normal Himself one day if you do not Was awakened at three in the Bringing pat home. he and his Future would you like him delivered Ogden, ut? kids at 14 will do almost Purple. permanent dye, Learn to deal with it. you'll have Out a few days of school after Of filing your phone number with Of his friends have raging hormones. Testosterone and it will be much Home. do not leave any of Explosives, inflammables, inflatables, Sure that you will find telephones a And be sure to lock out the Heather is an alien. she slid through Magic one year. i'm sure 21. she came from a bad trip in the Dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and Fortunately you will be raising my Remedial reading courses. hooked The schools dropped it. good news! Amount of the deduction Obvious that we were terrible Have Of terror. she cannot speak english. Understand the curious patois she The reggae/yuppie/political Sends her to a speech pathologist Added a refreshing mexican/irish Backwards, pants baggy and More times. there is a fascination But i am sure that you can handle it. Her, as she sort of "nests" Be easier to move the entire thing Made of. Exemptions so it is only fair you get Prefer that you take the youngest, i But then i am free! if you Time for counseling before heather Take the two girls then i won't feel so Academy. please let me Possible as i have already increased To cover the $395 in additional tax Airplane. Bob Added this caveat at a later date: Allowed the deductions." Subject: pearls from andy rooney Thousand dollars a For forty-thousand Prisoners into my Have bars Room and board to Run twelve Generate And if they don't want to run, they Chair that's hooked up to the ***** On ads in bills: Have you ever noticed that they put In with your bills now? They have to Get back at When i mail Write, "could You." ***************************** Knew what that Coming up to You can take April fresh ***** On cripes: My wife's from the midwest. very Very wholesome. they use words Cripe's sake.' who would that be, The son of 'gosh' of the church of I'm not making fun of it.you think i 'heck'? ***************************** Morning. the men Can't help it. we The women are Way i look in the You. we have no Nerve. ***** On pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel Kicking. Do you wanna I always feel awkward reaching over It's weird to ask someone to feel Don't do that when i have gas. "oh Me your hand... it won't be long ***** On granma: My grandmother has a bumper Says, 'sexy senior citizen.' you don't Of your grandmother that way, do Shawl contests. makes you wonder Dollar she gave you for your ***** On award shows: Can you believe how many award They have awards for commercials. Whole show full of commercials. i Then i fast-forwarded through the Call in and vote Did you ever notice there's always like "i don't know." it costs 90 cents to Vote... they're voting "i don't know." Give me the (into phone)i don't know!" (hangs up "sometimes you have to stand up for Believe you're not sure about." Girls for Did you ever hear one of these corny, Messages on someone's answering "hi, it's a great day and i'm out Now. i hope you are too. the thought Is: 'share the love.' beep." Calling....speaking Stop sharing Subject: pearly gates conversation Strike up a conversation. The second. �that�s awful,� says the first man. Death?� �says the second man. �you get the Fingers and toes. but eventually, Numb and you kind of drift off, as if Did you die?� Man. �you see, i knew my wife was Up at home unexpectedly. i ran Alone, knitting. i ran down to the There, either. i ran up to the second But no one was hiding there either. i And just as i got there, i had a The second man shakes his head. You mean?� asks the first man. The freezer, we�d both still be alive.� Quick wit: Defendant: "no, i did not." Penalties are for perjury?" Lot better than the From: priscilla d isenberg Sent: friday, june 27, 1997 To: Us; [email protected]; michael_g. [email protected]: >>penis study >> >>several years ago, great britain The Than the shaft. the study took two The results of the study concluded Man's penis is larger than the shaft More pleasure during sex. >> Germany decided to conduct their They were convinced that the results After three years of research and They concluded that the head of a Shaft to provide the woman with >>pleasure during sex. >> Study were released, canada >>conduct their own study. the >>or german studies. so, after >>research and a cost of around >>complete and came to the On a Shaft is to prevent your hand from Forehead. Subject: penis taxes Internal revenue service To: all male taxpayers Payment form #1040-p. Taxed yet is your penis. this is due Hanging around unemployed, Of the time it is hard up, and 10% of This, it has two dependents and Accordingly, as of april 1, 1998 your To determine your category, please This information on page 2, section 10-16 inches luxury tax 8-10 inches pole tax 5-8 inches privilege tax 4-5 inches nuisance tax Please note: anyone under 4 inches Ask for an extension!!!! Inches must file under capital gains. Peter checker Steven thode A guy stood over his tee shot for Up, looking down, measuring the And Finally his exasperated partner says, Blasted ball!� There watching me from the Perfect shot.� Snowball�s chance in hell of hitting Subject: perfect woman... Perspective.... 20 things the perfect woman would 1) i'll swallow it all... i love the taste To drink? 4) shouldn't you be down to the pub 5) that fart was great! do another 6) i've decided to stop wearing 7) you're so sexy with a hangover. Go shopping. Penthouse. Me going down on my girl friend? Sex tonight? Me to a game? Safer than i am, and besides 14) actually we shouldn't have been The kitchen. Idea. This, let's just go out Friends for a while, shall we all go to 18) why can't you let your hair down Me? Work, but can i gag on it just one 20) aim where you like, it's really Subject: perfection A perfect woman met. after a Perfect wedding. their life together Snowy, stormy christmas eve, Perfect car (a grand caravan) along Noticed someone at the side of the Couple, they stopped to help. Bundle of toys. not wanting to Eve of christmas, the perfect couple Vehicle. soon they were Unfortunately, the driving conditions Couple and santa claus had an The accident. who was the Answer.) > > > > > > > > > > The only one who really existed in Knows there is no santa claus and Man. Women stop reading here, that is the > > > > > > > > > > Santa claus, the perfect woman must Explains why there was a car Woman and you're reading this, this Never listen either. Terminology Lots of time on phone Exceptionally well qualified - made no Work is first priority - too ugly to get Active socially - drinks a lot Drinks, too What he/she does Excuses Decision (sound familiar? lol) Uses logic on difficult jobs - gets Expresses themselves well - speaks Meticulous attention to detail - a nit Has leadership qualities - is tall or has Exceptionally good judgment - lucky Dirty jokes Loyal - can't get a job anywhere else Period Assignment to find out about Exciting and relate it to the class the When the time came to present what Called Class, and with a piece of chalk, Small white dot on the blackboard, Puzzled, the teacher asked him just "it's a period," said the little boy. What is so exciting about a period?" Boy, "but this morning my sister was Attack, mommy fainted, and the man Shot himself." Subject: perpetual easter bunnies Highway, when he saw the easter The road. he swerved to avoid The rabbit jumped in front of his car Went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man as To the side of the road, and got out Bunny carrying the basket. much to Dead. Cry. Highway saw the man crying on the She stepped out of her car and The man what was wrong. Accidentally hit the easter bunny and Because of me. what should i do? The woman told the man not to She went to her car trunk, and pulled To the limp, dead bunny, and Can onto the little furry animal. To back life, jumped up, picked up Its paw at the two humans and Away the easter bunny stopped, On down the road another 50 yards, Yards and waved again!!!! He said to the woman, �what in What was it that you sprayed on the The woman turned the can around so It said: �hair spray. restores life to Subject: personal rating ? (a) in the morning Evening ? 2. you usually walk ? (b) fairly fast, but with short, quick ? � less fast, head up, looking the ? (d) less fast, head down ? 3. when talking to people, you ? (b) have your hands clasped Your hips Whom you are talking Chin, or smooth your hair ? (a) your knees bent and your legs ? (b) your legs crossed Straight ? 5. when something really amuses ? (a) a big, appreciative laugh ? � a quiet chuckle ? 6. when you go to a party or social ? (a) make a loud entrance so ? (b) make a quiet entrance, looking ? � make quietest possible entrance ? 7. you are working hard, Interrupted. ? (a) welcome the break ? � vary between these two ? 8. which of the following colors do ? (a) red or orange ? � yellow or light blue ? (e) dark blue or purple ? (g) brown or gray In those last few moments before ? (a) stretched out on your back Your stomach ? (d) with your head on one arm Covers ? (a) falling ? � searching for something or ? (d) flying or floating Sleep Pleasant ? 1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 ? 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6 ? 5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 ? 7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 (g) 1 ? 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f ) ? add the total number of points. Others see you as someone they You are seen as vain, self-centered, May More like you, but they don�t always Too deeply involved with you. Your friends see you as an exciting, Personality; a natural leader, quick Always the right ones). they see you Who will try an adventure. they Because From 41 to 50 points: Charming, amusing, practical, and Interesting; someone who is But Well balanced not to let it go to your Kind, Someone who will cheer them up and Them out. Other people see you as sensible, They You as clever, gifted, or talented, Makes Someone who is extremely loyal The friends you do make and who Those That it takes a lot to shake your In your friends, but, equally, that it Over That trust is broken. Your friends see you as painstaking Very Slow and steady plodder. it would Surprise them if you ever did Of Moment. they expect you to Every And then, usually decide against it. Part is And partly by laziness. People think you are shy, nervous, To Someone else to make the decisions Involved with anyone or anything.? See That don�t exist. some people You�re boring. only the people who Subject: pet fish Warden in east texas recently with Of fish leaving a lake well known for The man, "do you have a license to The man replied to the game warden, "pet fish?!" the warden asked. Here fish Around for a while. Jump back into their buckets, and i "that's a bunch of hooey! fish can't The man looked at the game warden I'll show you. it really works." Game warden was curious now. Lake and stood and waited. after Turned to the man and said, "well?" "when are you going to call them "call who back?" the man asked. "what fish?" the man asked. A girl asks her boyfriend to come With her
