Cry. Highway saw the man crying on the Stepped out of her car and asked �i feel terrible,� he explained, �i Killed it. there may not be an easter � Worry. she knew exactly what to do. Out a spray can. she walked over Sprayed the entire contents of the Miraculously the easter bunny came The spilled eggs and candy, waved Hopped on down the road. 50 yards Turned around, waved and hopped Turned, waved, hopped another 50 The man was astonished. Heaven�s name is in your spray can? Easter bunny?� That the man could read the label. Dead hair. adds permanent wave.� 1.when do you feel your best? ? (b) during the afternoon and early ? � late at night ? (a) fairly fast, with long steps Steps World in the face ? (e) very slowly ? (a) stand with your arms folded ? � have one or both your hands on ? (d) touch or push the person to ? (e) play with your ear, touch your ? 4. when relaxing, you sit with Neatly side by side ? � your legs stretched out or ? (d) with one leg curled under you You, you react with ? (b) a laugh, but not a loud one ? (e) a sheepish smile Gathering, you Everyone notices you Around for someone you know And try to stay unnoticed Concentrating hard. you are ? you: ? (b) feel extremely irritated Extremes You like most? ? (b) black ? (d) green ? (f) white ?? 9. when you are in bed at night, ? going to sleep, you lie ? (b) stretched out face down on ? � on your side, slightly curled ? (e) with your head under the ? 10. you often dream that you are ? (b) fighting or struggling Somebody ? (e) you usually have a dreamless ? (f) you�re dreams are always ? points: ? 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1 ? 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 ? 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 ? 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f ) 2 ? 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 1 ? over 60 points: Should �handle with care.� And extremely dominant. others Admire you and wish they could be Trust you and hesitate to become From 51 to 60 points: Highly volatile, rather impulsive To make decisions (though not As bold and venturesome, someone Enjoy being in your company Of the excitement you radiate. Others see you as fresh, lively, Always Constantly the center of attention, Sufficiently Head.? they see you also as Considerate, and understanding; Help From 31 to 40 points: Cautious, careful, and practical. See But modest.? not a person who Friends too quickly or too easily, but To Expects the same loyalty in return. Who really get to know you realize Trust Takes you a long time to get It if From 21 to 30 points: And fussy.? they see you as very, Cautious and extremely careful, a Really Something impulsively or on the spur The Examine everything carefully from Side They think this reaction on your Caused partly by your careful nature Under 21 points: And indecisive, someone who needs Be looked after, who always wants And who doesn�t want to get They You as a worrier, who sees problems Think Know you well know that you aren�t. A man was stopped by a game- Two buckets Its fishing. the game warden asked Catch those fish?" "no, sir. these are my pet fish." "yes, sir. every night i take these Down to the lake and let them swim I whistle and they Take em home." Do that!" For a moment, and then said, "here, "o.k. i've got to see this!." the The man poured the fish in to the Several minutes, the game warden "well, what?" the man responded. Back?" the game warden prompted. "the fish." replied the warden. Subject: pharmacist Over friday night and have dinner Parents. this being a big event, Subject: pickle slicer Had been employed there for a Home one day to confess to his wife He had an urge to stick his Suggested that he should see a sex But bill indicated that he�d be too Overcome the compulsion on his One day a few weeks later, bill came Could see at once that �what�s wrong, bill?� she asked. How i had this tremendous urge to Slicer?� �yes, i did.� �i got fired.� The pickle slicer?� Subject: piggy bank As a painless way to save money, a Time they Pocket change into a large china Bank on the bedside table. Athletic, the man accidentally Bank to the floor, where it smashed. Coins, there were handfuls of five Ten dollar bills. All these bills come from?" As cheap as you are." Subject: pillsbury doughboy Pillsbury doughboy obituary Fresh died yesterday of a severe Friends as brown-n-serve, fresh Player. Largest funeral ceremonies in recent Out including mrs. butterworth, the Jemima, betty crocker, the hostess The graveside was piled high with Delivered the eulogy, describing How much he was kneaded.� But his later life was filled with many Very smart cookie, wasting Schemes�conned by those who Crusty old man, he was a roll model Millions. They have two children and another The funeral was held at 3:50 for Steven thode Pilots� hell And went to pilot�s hell, where he Doors. Pilots to various �hell rooms�. He vanished. Peeked in and saw a cockpit where Run through preflight checks. he The second. there, alarms rang and Avoid one emergency after Unable to imagine a worse fate mac He was amazed to see many Attendants He quickly returned to his place Reappeared. �okay, mac,� said the Or number �um, i want door number 3,� �sorry,� said the devil. �you can�t Attendant�s hell.� Thought you might enjoy reading Some reasons why i left! -zip :-) The fight over who makes the best Shaler. burger king has been running Employees who come to burger king Get a free burger. several shaler Burger king, collected their burgers, And smash the burgers onto the Were also reported to be using Dog hater goes postal Someone sent his dog a threatening We agree with the sign Man who was standing in the Wearing a sign that said, "i am a Was being punished by his girlfriend Mountain dews -- and don'ts Wound up with a 10-day suspension After an altercation with a teacher. Disagreed over whether or not it was A 20-ounce mountain dew in class. Submitted for your approval -- a tale Recently dealt with "suspicious" Disposed of a raccon which was Meanwhile, edgewood police To be sick" and released it in an Somewhere near forest hills Some sound advice, from us to you End. a worker at a monroeville $1,897 was stolen from her purse, Cupboard during her evening shift. In your purse on a kitchen cupboard Come back! duh. Or Anonymous) Restaurant told police that someone Crates that were filled with over 300 The naked truth But officer, the fine corinthian Buttocks (contributed by elizabeth Robinson township police cited a man Car. A brentwood woman reported that Bag and stored under a rafter in her Rock festival International blotter. this just in from Rocks at others during a local festival Condition. every august, residents of Across a river to hurl rocks and Considered a good omen. Once again we turn to our neighbors Who was being sentenced for Doorsteps was being sentenced. the To a urine test, and sure enough, Pregnancy. officers grew suspicious Was cold -- and more suspicious yet The man was pregnant. police The thief's wife, who is pregnant. Once again, due to a shortage of We turn to our neighbors in ohio, Felony charge after stealing his Enlargement surgery for his The usual procedure of seizing the + 2 - south park: bigger, longer & + 5 - charlie's angels *cd1* (avi) + 15 - muusika + 25 - muusika + 31 - 12 monkeys (avi) ja m�ngude + 32 - get carter (avi) + 41 - u-571 (avi) + 43 - red planet (avi) + 45 - hannibal *cd2* (avi) + 52 - tupac shakur *cd1* (avi) + 55 - die hard 2 (avi) + 60 - traffic (avi) + 66 - muusika + 68 - wizard of oz (avi) + 74 - fifa 2001 + 76 - 101 dalmatians (avi) + 97 - little nicky (avi) + 112 - supreme snowboarding + 128 - evil dead 2 (avi) + 138 - muusika + 171 - hellraiser 3 (avi) + 200 - die hard *cd1* (avi) + 202 - tomcats (avi) + 227 - cats & dogs (avi) + 230 - tomb raider (avi) + 238 - supercar street challenge + 250 - pearl harbor *cd1* (avi) + 255 - bridget jones diary (avi) + 259 - rush hour 2 (avi) + 263 - moulin rouge *cd2* (avi) Dragon (avi) + 296 - rat race *cd1* (avi) + 302 - k-pax *cd1* (avi) + 313 - the lord of the rings *cd1* + 314 - the lord of the rings *cd2* + 328 - harry potter and the + 329 - harry potter and the + 335 - loser (avi) + 360 - muusika + 409 - the new guy (avi) + 424 - bumfights *cd2* (avi) + 448 - die hard 3 *cd2* (avi) + 461 - eesti muusikavideod 2002 + 462 - eesti muusikavideod 2002 + 483 - house on the haunted hill + 449 - die another day *cd1* (avi) + 511 - the blair witch project (avi) Subject: plane crash Crashed into a cemetery early this Search and rescue workers have Expect that number to climb as Subject: play the lotto! A guy named joe finds himself in dire And So desperate that he decides to ask �god, please help me. i�ve lost my Money, Please let me win the lotto.� Wins it. �god, please let me win the lotto. i�ve I�m going to lose my car as well.� Luck. �my god, why have you forsaken And my Starving. i don�t often ask you for And i have always been a good Let me win My life back in order?� Light as the heavens open and joe �joe, meet me halfway on this one. Subject: pms funnies ~ pass my shotgun ~ perpetual munching spree ~ people make me sick ~ pardon my sobbing ~ pass my sweatpants ~ plainly; men suck ~ permanent menstrual Q: how many women with pms does A: one. only one!! and do you know Else in this house knows how to Even know that the bulb is burned Dark for three days before they And, once they figured it out, they Bulbs despite the fact that they've For the past 17 years! but if they Find them 2 days later, the chair Change the stupid light bulb would And underneath it would be the @*!#$% light bulbs came in! why? ever carries out the garbage!! it's a Haven't all suffocated from the piles That are 12' deep throughout the House!! - it would take an army to #@*$!#@!... house! Subject: poetry contest Come down to two semi-finalists--a Alabama. Allowed two minutes to study the And come up with a poem that The word they were given was First to recite his poem was the yale Microphone and said, Trekked a lonely caravan Destination... timbuktu." The alabama redneck top that, The alabama redneck calmly made his Recited: Met three whores in a pop up tent So i bucked one, and timbuktu." Subject: poetry In the company lunch room. jack Recently been having trouble with He asked terry, who always seemed To finding women willing to Poetry. Homosexuals. terry disagreed and Him very successful with women. Say?" About their hair, then compare their Explain to them the way you want to Jack: "give me an example." Dove, i want to take you home and Jack: "ok, that sounds easy, i'll give it The next day, as terry walks into the Jack's head is swollen Terry: "what happened to you?" That's what happened!" Jack: "i took your advice, i said Compared her eyes to an animal, Wanted to make love to her." Jack: "hell, no it didn't work... look at Terry: "let's hear your poem." Like a frog, i wanna bend you over Subject: point guide for dealing with Point guide Tried to understand the rules when With women. finally, this Understand World of romance, one single rule Make the woman happy. do Points. do something Subtracted. you don't get any points Something she expects. sorry, that's Here is a guide to the points system: You make the .....+1 The decorative pillows....0 Rumpled sheets..................-1 Up.................................-5 When it is empty............0 You resort to kleenex..-1 The next bathroom..........-2 Panty liners with wings....+5 Snow...................................... But return with ..-5 Liners...................................... You check out a suspicious noise at You check out a suspicious noise and You check out a suspicious noise and You pummel it with a six It's her ........-40 You stay by her side the entire You stay by her side for a while, A college drinking -2 Tiffany.................................... Tiffany is a .....-10 Implants.................................. Her birthday: Birthday.................................. You buy a card and .0 Dinner................................... You take her out to dinner and it's Okay, it is a sports And it's all-you-can-eat It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat Face is painted the colors of your A night out with the boys: Pal......................................... The pal is happily +1 Single..................................... He drives a ....-10 (gr8nbed).................-15 You take her to a .+2 Likes............................+4 Hate.............................+6 Like.............................-2 3......................................-3 Humans.......................-9 About orphans.......-15 You develop a noticeable pot You develop a noticeable pot belly & It...................................+10 And resort to Shirts.......................-30 Have one too."............-800 She asks, "does this dress make me You hesitate in ...-10 "where?"................................. You reply, "no, i think it's your Any other .........-50 When she wants to talk about a You listen, displaying a concerned You listen, for over 30 You relate to her problem and share You're mind wanders to sports and Her saying "well, what do you think i You listen for more than 30 minutes Tv..................................+100 Fallen asleep........-200 Subject: police officer off duty early For all-night duty at the station, was Home four hours ahead of schedule, In the morning. not wanting to wake Crept into the bedroom and started Sleepily sat up and said, �mike, All-night drug store on the next block Splitting headache.� Feeling his way across the dark Got dressed and walked over to the As he arrived, the pharmacist looked Druggist, �i know you - aren�t you a �yeah, so?� said the officer. Dressed up like the fire chief?� One night a police officer was staking Rowdy bar for possible dwi violations. Stumble out of the bar, Five different cars The front seat fumbling Minutes. The bar and drove Began to pull away. Him. as soon as he Stopped him, read him Breathalyzer test to The results showed a The puzzled officer demanded to The driver replied, �tonight i�m the Subject: policemen at heaven's gate When a man walks up. Did you do with your life?" "what kind of policeman?" st peter "i was a vice officer. i kept Hands of kids." Heaven. pass through the gates." Walks up. Did you do with your life?" "what kind of policeman?" st peter "i was a traffic officer. i kept the Travelers." Into paradise." Walks up. Did you do with your life?" "what kind of policeman?" st peter "i was an air force security "excellent my son... i've gotta take a Ya?" A polish man moved to the usa and Although his english was far from Until one day he rushed into a Could Quick." Getting a divorce would depend on The following questions: Pole: "ja, ja, acre and half and nice Lawyer: "no," i mean what is the Pole: "it made of concrete." Real grudge?" Need one." Relations like?" Lawyer: "is there any infidelity in Pole: "ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo Lawyer: does your wife beat you Pole: "no, i always up before her." Pole: "no, she white." Divorce?" Lawyer: "what makes you think Pole: "i got proof. Pole: "she going to poison me. she Shelf in bathroom. Remover'." Two candidates for political office Simultaneous A small new england town. after a Candidates worked their way crowd - shaking hands, kissing Began to rain. one of the candidates to take shelter in a nearby Regulars. Continued to move through the hands, kissing babies, etc. "that man's persistence yonder," Makes Can't see myself casting a vote for a Come in out of the rain." Subject: political satire - gore and The republican candidate, george w. Bloody violence in the movies and on Vice president al gore, his democratic The Much sex and frontal nudity. Too much gore and gore says there Much bush. Son: dad, i have to do a special Question? Son: what is politics? Example. i am the wage earner, so Mother is the administrator of the We take care of you and your needs The maid the The future. do you understand? To think about it. His baby brother�s crying so the boy Discovering the baby had dirtied his Room and found his mother sound Room, whereupon peeking into the The maid. the boy�s knocking went Maid so the boy returned to The next Son: dad, i think i now understand Dad: that�s great, son. explain it to Son: well, dad, while management is Government is sound asleep. the Completely ignored and the future is Subject: ponderables Why isn�t 11 pronounced onety-one? And milk of magnesia, would you Why do we say something is out of If a pig loses its voice, is it Why do women wear evening gowns Wearing night gowns? Popular? For your thoughts,� and you put Two cents in, what happens to the Why is the man who invests all your Why do croutons come in airtight Begin with. What does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano Drives a race car not called a racist? Opposites? Opposite things? Does terrific mean to make �i am� is reportedly the shortest Could it be that �i do� is the longest If lawyers are disbarred and Follow Musicians denoted, cowboys Surgeons debarked and dry cleaners Do roman paramedics refer to iv�s as Why is it that if someone tells you In the universe you will believe them, Wet paint you will have to touch it to If people from poland are called Holland called �holes?� Horse laugh Its window. it Horse laugh will have all So this guy walks in Bartender says sure. Whispers something in the Laughing hysterically. Gives him the drinks. Same thing happens. Making the horse Minutes later he Crying. Have your drinks but Horse laugh.' Pecker was bigger than 'o.k. but how did you make him cry?' Him.' During his visit to the united states Instead of just an hour as scheduled, Days. finally, a weary president News media. the president was Was a resounding success. 80% of the matters they discussed. Going home to the white house to A few minutes later the pope came He looked tired, discouraged and Announced his meeting with the Incredulous, one reporter asked, Just announced the summit was a Agreed on 80% of the items Exasperated, the pope answered, Ten commandments.� A shy gentleman was preparing to The pope was on the same Gentleman. "i've always been a big I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the pope Still, the gentleman was too After take-off, the pope began a Fantastic," thought the gentleman. Perhaps, if the pope gets stuck, To the gentleman and said, "excuse Four letter word referring to a Goodness," thought the gentleman, There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a Pope, the gentleman said, "i 'aunt'." "of course," said the pope. "do you Subject: pope visits seven dwarves Dwarves. as he is finishing his Comparative religions, dopey raises In rome?" "there are not." Anywhere in italy?", dopey "no, dopey," chuckles the pope, "mr. pope," dopey asks pleadingly, In "no, dopey," the pope says sadly, In the And softly in the background the six "dopey screwed a penguin, dopey Subject: pope vs. jews Pope decided that all the jews had to Big uproar from the jewish Deal. he would have a religious With a member of the jewish Could Would leave. Choice. so they picked a middle Represent them. moishe asked for To the debate. to make it more Allowed to talk. the pope agreed. Moishe and the pope sat opposite The pope raised his hand and Looked back at him and raised one The pope waved his fingers in a circle Moishe pointed to the ground where Wafer and a glass of wine. moishe The pope stood up and said, "i give The jews can stay." Around the pope asking him what I held up three fingers to By holding up one finger to remind Common to both our religions. then i Him that god was all around us. he And showing that god was also Wine and wafer to show that god Out an apple to remind me of Everything. what could i do?" Had crowded around moishe. "what Moishe, "first he said to me that Of here. i told him that not one of This whole city would be cleared Staying right here." Crowd. Out his lunch, and i took out mine." >popular oxymorons >> 1. act naturally >> 3. resident alien >> 5. genuine imitation >> 7. airline food >> 9. same difference >> 11. government organization >> 13. alone together >> 15. silent scream >> 17. living dead >> 19. business ethics >> 21. soft rock >> 23. military intelligence >> 25. california culture >> 27. sweet sorrow >> 29. "now, then . . . " >> 31. christian scientists >> 33. taped live >> 35. peace force >> 37. computer jock >> 39. terribly pleased >> 41. political science >> 43. definite maybe >> 45. twelve-ounce pound cake >> 47. rap music >> 49. exact estimate >> 51. liberation theology >> 53. sovereignty association >> 55. virtual reality Steven thode The latest hit in budapest is a t-shirt Hiroshima �45 Windows �98 A sense of humor Subject: portrait of an elderly An elderly woman decided to have Artist.........�paint me with Necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby �but you are not wearing any of In case i should die before my Right away, and i want this new wife Jewelry. Subject: possible titles for > > > > > >> > possible titles for > > > > >> > > > > > >> > 2)what really goes > > > > >> > 3)how i blew it in > > > > > >> 4)you have to work President Boner Of the gag rule Gore > > > > >> > 9)secret services to > > > > >> > 10)harass is not two > > > > >> > 11)deep inside the > > > > > >> 12)the congressional Positions Staff! Command for the next 30 minutes The government Moving up Presidential cabinet Mouth In business Posted at a local golf club... Shoulder width apart. 3. keep your head down. 5. stay out of the water. 7. if you are taking too long, please 8. don't stand directly in front of 9. quiet please... while others are 10. don't take extra strokes. Outside, and tee off. Subject: postman's last day As a postman after 35 years of Kinds of weather to the same When he arrived at the first house The whole family there, who Him and send him on his way with a Hundred dollar bill. Presented him with a box of fine The folks at the third house, knowing Him a selection of terrific At the fourth house george was met Woman in a revealing Beckoning him in, closing the door Up the stairs to the bedroom where Passionate love he had ever When he had enough, they went Him a giant breakfast: egg, Waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange Satisfied she poured him a cup of As she was pouring, he noticed a Cup�s bottom edge. �all this He said, �but what�s the dollar for?� Husband that today would be your Should do something special for you. He said, �fuck him. give him a dollar.� Steven thode Potential and realistic And asked, �what is the difference The father answered, � go ask Robert redford for a million dollars. Sleep with brad pitt for a million You have learned.� so the boy went Sleep with robert redford for a The mother replied, �of course i Opportunity like that.� the boy then You Dollars?� the girl replied, �oh my Would be nuts to pass up that About it for two or three days and Asked him, �did you find out the Realistic?� We�re sitting on two million With two whores.� Some dnrc pranks Room with technobabble charts that "do not erase" on it. It into the padding of an Often. Your fellow dnrc members pack one Label the junk boxes with the .when your boss calls you on the Word when you talk. Jobs with various user's names and Controversial printouts of your own For the next person to discover. .arrange with everyone in the room Same moment. Move your lips as if speaking, but .have someone off-camera talk while Syncs on-camera. Preacher's pay raise: Was expecting a baby. so he went Raise. after much consideration and When the preacher's family After 6 children, this started to get Decided to hold a meeting again to As you can imagine, there was much Finally, the preacher got up and Is an act of god!" he said. Man stood up and in his frail voice God but when we get too much of it,
