Recently been having trouble with He asked terry, who always seemed To finding women willing to Poetry. Homosexuals. terry disagreed and Him very successful with women. Say?" About their hair, then compare their Explain to them the way you want to Jack: "give me an example." Dove, i want to take you home and Jack: "ok, that sounds easy, i'll give it The next day, as terry walks into the Jack's head is swollen Terry: "what happened to you?" That's what happened!" Jack: "i took your advice, i said Compared her eyes to an animal, Wanted to make love to her." Jack: "hell, no it didn't work... look at Terry: "let's hear your poem." Like a frog, i wanna bend you over Subject: point guide for dealing with Point guide Tried to understand the rules when With women. finally, this merit/demerit Just how it works. remember, in the Applies: Something she likes, and you get She dislikes and points are For doing The way the game is played. Simple duties: Bed.............................................+1 The decorative pillows....0 Rumpled sheets..................-1 Up.................................-5 It is empty............0 You resort to kleenex..-1 The next bathroom..........-2 Liners with wings....+5 Snow.................................................. But return with And no 25 Night.....................0 It is nothing............0 It is something.........+5 Iron...............................+10 Cat................................................-40 You stay by her side the entire You stay by her side for a while, then A college drinking Named 4 Dancer.........................................-10 Implants........................................-80 You remember her You buy a card and You take her out to You take her out to dinner and it's not Okay, it is a sports And it's all-you-can-eat It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat Face is painted the colors of your A night out with the boys: Pal.................................................0 Married...................................+1 Single............................................-7 Ferrari.........................................-10 (gr8nbed).................-15 You take her to a You take her to a movie she You take her to a movie you You take her to a movie you It's called death cop Which features cyborgs that eat You lied and said it was a foreign film Your physique: Belly..........................-15 Exercise to get rid of You develop a noticeable pot belly Loose jeans and baggy hawaiian You say, "it doesn't matter, you have The big question: Look fat?" Responding..................................-10 "where?".........................................- You reply, "no, i think it's your Any other 50 When she wants to talk about a You listen, displaying a concerned You listen, for over 30 You relate to her problem and share a You're mind wanders to sports and Her saying "well, what do you think i You listen for more than 30 minutes Tv..................................+100 Fallen asleep........-200 Subject: police officer off duty early All-night duty at the station, was Home four hours ahead of schedule, In the morning. not wanting to wake Crept into the bedroom and started to Sleepily sat up and said, �mike, All-night drug store on the next block Splitting headache.� Feeling his way across the dark Got dressed and walked over to the As he arrived, the pharmacist looked Druggist, �i know you - aren�t you a �yeah, so?� said the officer. Dressed up like the fire chief?� One night a police officer was staking Rowdy bar for possible dwi violations. Stumble out of the bar, Five different cars The front seat fumbling Minutes. The bar and drove Began to pull away. Him. as soon as he Stopped him, read him Breathalyzer test to The results showed a The puzzled officer demanded to The driver replied, �tonight i�m the Subject: policemen at heaven's gate When a man walks up. Did you do with your life?" "what kind of policeman?" st peter "i was a vice officer. i kept Hands of kids." Heaven. pass through the gates." Walks up. Did you do with your life?" "what kind of policeman?" st peter "i was a traffic officer. i kept the Travelers." Into paradise." Walks up. Did you do with your life?" "what kind of policeman?" st peter "i was an air force security "excellent my son... i've gotta take a Ya?" A polish man moved to the usa and Although his english was far from Until one day he rushed into a Could Quick." Getting a divorce would depend on The following questions: Pole: "ja, ja, acre and half and nice Lawyer: "no," i mean what is the Pole: "it made of concrete." Real grudge?" Need one." Relations like?" Lawyer: "is there any infidelity in Pole: "ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo Lawyer: does your wife beat you Pole: "no, i always up before her." Pole: "no, she white." Divorce?" Lawyer: "what makes you think Pole: "i got proof. Pole: "she going to poison me. she Shelf in bathroom. Remover'." Two candidates for political office Simultaneous A small new england town. after a Candidates worked their way crowd - shaking hands, kissing Began to rain. one of the candidates to take shelter in a nearby Regulars. Continued to move through the hands, kissing babies, etc. "that man's persistence yonder," Makes Can't see myself casting a vote for a Come in out of the rain." Subject: political satire - gore and The republican candidate, george w. Bloody violence in the movies and on Vice president al gore, his democratic The Much sex and frontal nudity. Too much gore and gore says there Much bush. Son: dad, i have to do a special Question? Son: what is politics? Example. i am the wage earner, so Mother is the administrator of the We take care of you and your needs The maid the The future. do you understand? To think about it. His baby brother�s crying so the boy Discovering the baby had dirtied his Room and found his mother sound Room, whereupon peeking into the The maid. the boy�s knocking went Maid so the boy returned to The next Son: dad, i think i now understand Dad: that�s great, son. explain it to Son: well, dad, while management is Government is sound asleep. the Completely ignored and the future is Subject: ponderables Why isn�t 11 pronounced onety-one? And milk of magnesia, would you Why do we say something is out of If a pig loses its voice, is it Why do women wear evening gowns Wearing night gowns? Popular? For your thoughts,� and you put Two cents in, what happens to the Why is the man who invests all your Why do croutons come in airtight Begin with. What does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano Drives a race car not called a racist? Opposites? Opposite things? Does terrific mean to make �i am� is reportedly the shortest Could it be that �i do� is the longest If lawyers are disbarred and Follow Musicians denoted, cowboys Surgeons debarked and dry cleaners Do roman paramedics refer to iv�s as Why is it that if someone tells you In the universe you will believe them, Wet paint you will have to touch it to If people from poland are called Holland called �holes?� Horse laugh Its window. it Horse laugh will have all So this guy walks in Bartender says sure. Whispers something in the Laughing hysterically. Gives him the drinks. Same thing happens. Making the horse Minutes later he Crying. Have your drinks but Horse laugh.' Pecker was bigger than 'o.k. but how did you make him cry?' Him.' During his visit to the united states Instead of just an hour as scheduled, Days. finally, a weary president News media. the president was Was a resounding success. 80% of the matters they discussed. Going home to the white house to A few minutes later the pope came He looked tired, discouraged and Announced his meeting with the Incredulous, one reporter asked, Just announced the summit was a Agreed on 80% of the items Exasperated, the pope answered, Ten commandments.� A shy gentleman was preparing to The pope was on the same Gentleman. "i've always been a big I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the pope Still, the gentleman was too After take-off, the pope began a Fantastic," thought the gentleman. Perhaps, if the pope gets stuck, To the gentleman and said, "excuse Four letter word referring to a Goodness," thought the gentleman, There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a Pope, the gentleman said, "i 'aunt'." "of course," said the pope. "do you Subject: pope visits seven dwarves Dwarves. as he is finishing his Comparative religions, dopey raises In rome?" "there are not." Anywhere in italy?", dopey "no, dopey," chuckles the pope, "mr. pope," dopey asks pleadingly, In "no, dopey," the pope says sadly, In the And softly in the background the six "dopey screwed a penguin, dopey Subject: pope vs. jews Pope decided that all the jews had to Big uproar from the jewish Deal. he would have a religious With a member of the jewish Could Would leave. Choice. so they picked a middle Represent them. moishe asked for To the debate. to make it more Allowed to talk. the pope agreed. Moishe and the pope sat opposite The pope raised his hand and Looked back at him and raised one The pope waved his fingers in a circle Moishe pointed to the ground where Wafer and a glass of wine. moishe The pope stood up and said, "i give The jews can stay." Around the pope asking him what I held up three fingers to By holding up one finger to remind Common to both our religions. then i Him that god was all around us. he And showing that god was also Wine and wafer to show that god Out an apple to remind me of Everything. what could i do?" Had crowded around moishe. "what Moishe, "first he said to me that Of here. i told him that not one of This whole city would be cleared Staying right here." Crowd. Out his lunch, and i took out mine." >popular oxymorons >> 1. act naturally >> 3. resident alien >> 5. genuine imitation >> 7. airline food >> 9. same difference >> 11. government organization >> 13. alone together >> 15. silent scream >> 17. living dead >> 19. business ethics >> 21. soft rock >> 23. military intelligence >> 25. california culture >> 27. sweet sorrow >> 29. "now, then . . . " >> 31. christian scientists >> 33. taped live >> 35. peace force >> 37. computer jock >> 39. terribly pleased >> 41. political science >> 43. definite maybe >> 45. twelve-ounce pound cake >> 47. rap music >> 49. exact estimate >> 51. liberation theology >> 53. sovereignty association >> 55. virtual reality Steven thode The latest hit in budapest is a t-shirt Hiroshima �45 Windows �98 A sense of humor Subject: portrait of an elderly An elderly woman decided to have Artist.........�paint me with Necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby �but you are not wearing any of In case i should die before my Right away, and i want this new wife Jewelry. Subject: possible titles for > > > > > >> > possible titles for > > > > >> > > > > > >> > 2)what really goes > > > > >> > 3)how i blew it in > > > > > >> 4)you have to work President Boner Of the gag rule Gore > > > > >> > 9)secret services to > > > > >> > 10)harass is not two > > > > >> > 11)deep inside the > > > > > >> 12)the congressional Positions Staff! Command for the next 30 minutes The government Moving up Presidential cabinet Mouth In business Posted at a local golf club... Shoulder width apart. 3. keep your head down. 5. stay out of the water. 7. if you are taking too long, please 8. don't stand directly in front of 9. quiet please... while others are 10. don't take extra strokes. Outside, and tee off. Subject: postman's last day As a postman after 35 years of Kinds of weather to the same When he arrived at the first house The whole family there, who Him and send him on his way with a Hundred dollar bill. Presented him with a box of fine The folks at the third house, knowing Him a selection of terrific At the fourth house george was met Woman in a revealing Beckoning him in, closing the door Up the stairs to the bedroom where Passionate love he had ever When he had enough, they went Him a giant breakfast: egg, Waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange Satisfied she poured him a cup of As she was pouring, he noticed a Cup�s bottom edge. �all this He said, �but what�s the dollar for?� Husband that today would be your Should do something special for you. He said, �fuck him. give him a dollar.� Steven thode Potential and realistic And asked, �what is the difference The father answered, � go ask Robert redford for a million dollars. Sleep with brad pitt for a million You have learned.� so the boy went Sleep with robert redford for a The mother replied, �of course i Opportunity like that.� the boy then You Dollars?� the girl replied, �oh my Would be nuts to pass up that About it for two or three days and Asked him, �did you find out the Realistic?� We�re sitting on two million With two whores.� Some dnrc pranks Room with technobabble charts that "do not erase" on it. It into the padding of an Often. Your fellow dnrc members pack one Label the junk boxes with the .when your boss calls you on the Word when you talk. Jobs with various user's names and Controversial printouts of your own For the next person to discover. .arrange with everyone in the room Same moment. Move your lips as if speaking, but .have someone off-camera talk while Syncs on-camera. Preacher's pay raise: Was expecting a baby. so he went Raise. after much consideration and When the preacher's family After 6 children, this started to get Decided to hold a meeting again to As you can imagine, there was much Finally, the preacher got up and Is an act of god!" he said. Man stood up and in his frail voice God but when we get too much of it, Steven thode Doctor Was paying a visit to her Was over, she shyly began, �my Wants me to ask you...� Placing a reassuring hand on her Time. sex is fine until late in the �no, that�s not it at all,� brenda Can Subject: preparation for Here is some important advice for Yet...and a big laugh for everyone So you want to be a parent? True preparation for parenthood at
