Obsessed with eating. you've He turned to the second mom. "your Manifests itself in your child's name, He turned to the third mom. "your Manifests itself in your child's name, At this point, the fourth mother got up, Hand and whispered, "come on, dick, Steven thode A woman down on her luck is walking Looking for odd jobs to do when she She goes up to the house, rings the He asks the lady what he can do for That she is down on her luck and Odd jobs that she could do. the man Remembers that he has been wanting He asks the woman if she paints? The man replies, �well, i have been Much would you charge?� Say $50 bucks.� Go ahead and get started.� Inside. his wife asks him, �who was He tells her of the women and her The women agreed to paint the The astonished wife says, �$50 Length of our house and then some. You He responds, �but that�s all she said 10 minutes later, they get a knock Door and the women is there and With a surprised look on his face, �i Painting the entire porch.� It�s a ferrari.� Subject: office dictionary Hunting What it really means: Competitive by paying less than our 2. �join our fast-paced company�: 3. �casual work atmosphere�: we You�ll dress up. Be six months behind schedule on 5. �some overtime required�: some Weekend. Office can boss you around. Have no quality control. Applicants must be childless (and 9. �apply in person�: if you�re old, fat Been filled. Filled the job; our call for resume is 11. �seeking candidates with a wide To replace three people who just 12. �problem-solving skills a must�: Chaos. You�ll have the responsibilities of a Respect. Management communicates: you Want you and do it. Manner of office organization�: i�ve 16.�i�m honest, hard-working and 18.�my pertinent work experience About all the mcjobs i�ve had. Others for my mistakes. Unsolicited personal advice. Carry a day-timer. Jobs a lot. Desk. The minute i find a better job, i�m Steven thode This is a great inspiration for a If you do a good job and work hard, Company someday. Get sucked into jet engines. Been turned off due to budget cuts. The job done. doing the job wrong Security. But we pay your rent. Should see our rivals! By having meetings, they did it by We put the �k� in �kwality� You�re not feeling the right thing. Natural stupidity. Adversity... probably has a If you can stay calm, while all around Haven�t completely understood the Abandon all hope, all ye who enter 2 days without a human rights Your job is still better than asking Plagiarism saves time. Management. You can avoid all together. Third reich only lasted 12 years. Job. Take all the blame yourself. The beatings will continue until Announcement: all directors and Salaries, offices, company cars and Will be given away in a lottery Office hours: mon-thur, 10-4. Bottom, somebody throws me a If you can read this, you�re not If at first you don�t succeed... Never underestimate the power of �we waste time, so you don�t have Hang in there, retirement is only Go the extra mile - it makes your Slacker. When the going gets tough, the Pride, commitment, teamwork - Free. Succeed in spite of management. Disappointment. Morning than other companies do all Look on the bright side, at least your You pretend to work, and we�ll There is no i in �team� (but there is in Work; it isn�t just for sleeping There are two kinds of people in life: Who don�t work here anymore. > >> to: all employees > >> subject: foul language > >> It has been brought to Individuals throughout the company During the course Workers. due to complaints received Easily offended, this type of We do however, realize the critical Accurately express your feelings Workers. Therefore, a list of "try saying "new Proper exchange of ideas and Effective More sensitive employees. perhaps i can work late. > >> and when the fuck do you > >> > >> i'm certain that isn't > >> instead of: > >> > >> really? > >> you've got to be shitting > >> > >> perhaps you should check > >> instead of: Shit. > >> try saying: > >> instead of: > >> > >> i wasn't involved in the > >> instead of: > >> > >> that's interesting. > >> what the fuck? > >> try saying: Implemented. > >> this shit won't work. > >> try saying: > >> instead of: Me sooner? > >> try saying: Problem? > >> who the hell cares? > >> try saying: Issues. > >> he's got his head up his > >> > >> excuse me, sir? > >> eat shit and die. > >> try saying: It? > >> kiss my ass. > >> try saying: Moment. > >> fuck it, i'm on salary. > >> try saying: Understand. > >> shove it up your ass. > >> try saying: > >> instead of: > >> > >> you want me to take care > >> instead of: You boss? > >> try saying: > >> instead of: > >> > >> yes, we really should > >> instead of > >> > >> i don't think this will be a > >> instead of: > >> > >> he's somewhat insensitive. > >> he's a prick. > >> try saying: Getter. > >> she's a ball-busting bitch. > >> try saying: Training. > >> you don't know what the > >> > >> thank you, Steven thode > > office prayer: > > > "grant me the serenity to > > > the courage to change the > > > wisdom to hide the bodies of > > > because they pissed me off > > > the toes i step on today, as > > > that i may have to kiss To: ~from russ I know i�ve sent this one before, but Think. -steve Those online relationships. Normally when i hear embarrassing Chuckle a little and let it pass. Boulder Her embarrassing Not help but become hysterical. She didn�t mind as long as _______________ College attending school in colorado. Wrapped up in the partying and the Jen, being the computer science Have So when she�s not out having a good Designing computer programs and After she had broken up with her Friday night for the first time in the She was sad, alone and depressed, Homepage. She decided to get onto a chatline. Logged onto a sex line. Identified himself as jeremy. False name, saying her name was Detail about what she would like to To him with her tongue. he Being naked Square inch of her body. This went on for awhile, and then Him back on the line the following Saturday night rolls around, and jen, Again. they become even closer this This for a week. at the end of the Other things and got into very They became close, exchanging Didn�t tell jeremy she was in college, Like an immature college girl. Weeks, she really liked this guy. the For A year. by the end of the year, Intimate thoughts, but had never Spoken on the phone. Mystery. Sexually possible over the net, and Waiting for the day that they could Finally the time had come; they had They were in love. they didn�t care Other. Be his next wife. She didn�t care how old or ugly he The only one she could feel They planned a trip to meet in vail, See each other and spend the rest As jen didn�t want the hassle of Never seen, she said, �why don�t We�ll meet there, and that way there Jen showed up at the resort first and Hold a key for the next party. she Wanting things to be special, she lit Music. Bed under the covers, deciding to The lights were out and the mood The door. she heard someone walk in She whispered, �jeremy?� a voice He fumbled for the light and turned it Before him. World were two blood curling Jen covered herself up, and in her �dad?� Steven thode Bill�s all excited about his new rifle. The first bear he sees is a little brown Shot. Shoulder. he turns around to see a �you�ve got 2 choices: either i beat Bill thinks for a minute and then Bill is sore for 2 days and when he He goes back, finds the black bear Tap on his shoulder. he turns around Behind him. Mistake. you�ve got 2 choices: either Bill bends over. Outraged. he goes back, finds the Range. suddenly he feels a tap on He turns around to find an enormous The polar bear says �you don�t really Subject: oh please...... Home. as they are about to kiss Starts feeling a little horny. with an Hand against the wall and, Would you give me a blowjob?" Mad? my parents will see us!" See us at this hour?" If we get caught?" Around, they're all sleeping!" > him (horny as hell): "oh please, > her: "no, no, and no. i love you > him: "oh yes you can. please?" > him: "i beg you ... " > out of the blue, the light on the > shows up in her pajamas, hair > says: Him a blowjob. otherwise i can do it. Down himself and do it. but no > what tell him to take his hand off >steven thode A married couple went to the hospital Their arrival, the doctor said he had Would transfer a portion of the Asked if they were willing to try it out Favor of it. the doctor set the pain Explaining that even 10% was Had ever Labor progressed, the husband felt Ahead and bump it up a notch. the Then adjusted the machine to a 20% Feeling fine. the doctor checked the Was amazed at how well he was Try for 50%. Quite well. since it was obviously Husband encouraged the doctor Wife delivered a healthy baby with Husband were ecstatic. Straight home. when they got On their porch. Men and women > > 1. pull up to jiffy lube when the > since the last oil change. > 3. 15 minutes later, write a check > properly maintained vehicle. > men: Write a check for 50 Kitty litter), hand cleaner > 2. discover that the used oil > of taking back to o'reilly to > 3. open a beer and drink it. Looking for jack stands. Pedal car. Beer and drink it. > 8. look for 9/16 box-end > 9. give up and use crescent > 10. unscrew drain plug. Oil; get hot oil on you in process. > 13. have another beer while oil is > 14. look for oil filter wrench. Phillips screwdriver and twist it off. > 17. buddy shows up; finish case > 18. next day, drag pan full of old > 19. throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) > 20. beer. no, drank it all > 21. walk to 7-11; buy beer. Sure to apply a thin coat of clean > 23. dump first quart of fresh oil > 24. remember drain plug from > 25. hurry to find drain plug in > 26. hurry to replace drain plug > of fresh oil drains onto the > 27. slip with wrench and bang > 28. bang head on floor board in > 29. begin cussing fit. > 31. cuss for additional 10 minutes > december(1992) in the left > 32. clean up; apply band-aid to > 33. beer. > 35. dump in additional 4 quarts of > 36. beer. > 38. accidentally crush one of the > 39. move car back to apply more > litter) to fresh oil spilled > 40. drive car 1/2 quart low for > time for another oil change. > oil changing instructions for > Miles after last oil change. > 3. 20 minutes later, write a check > $3.00 for the cappuccino = $23.00 > oil changing instructions for guys: > 1. go to snuffy's auto parts $50.00 to Soap and the new hot pin- $24.99. May "showing" - you get the idea > discover that the oil container > a hole in the yard and dump when > Looking for the jack stands. while > are looking, drink a brewski. > 4. jack up car and place drain pan > Then give up and use a crescent > Corners. > 7. drop the &%$#-ing plug in the Of > Beer while watching the oil drain. > 9. look for filter wrench, then give > screwdriver and twist off. > 10. drop screwdriver on hot > screwdriver, burn fingers. > 11. throw screwdriver down in Floor Housing group" - you get > And drink your last beer. > 13. walk 2 miles to nearest 7/11 > Oil pan out and dump oil with the rest Litter to clean up the > For sipping. > 16. install new filter making sure to > gasket. > 17. add oil. notice fresh oil > And reach arm in to find drain plug. > 19. more kitty litter, another beer > "sipping beer". > 21. bang your head on the cross > Wound and discover oily footprints > white carpet. > 23. clean carpet while consuming > New quarts of oil at $3.50 a quart. > 25. drop car off jack stands, clean > > The 7/11 for drunk driving. > 28. car is impounded. > 29. make bail. > 30. next day go and retrieve car > > > $25.00 for beer > $1000 for bail > $1800 for attorney > 400 hours community service so Wearing > total: $5592.50 To: 98 rock; beverly j. Bob duke; bob shorkey; bob west; Louzonis; dan gilmore; day family; Muscedere; mike leek; mike warren; Ron mason; russ decrease; sam Whitman A guy dies and goes to heaven. it's a peter, so, upon passing the not very busy today, why don't you And graciously accepts the Sights, the golf course, the Observation room, the cafeteria Room full of clocks. the guy asks, "what's up with these Earth has a clock that shows When a clock runs out of The gates to be judged." the guy thinks this makes sense but clocks are going faster than others. Living person tells a lie, it Takes one last look around the Clock in the center of the Are spinning at an unbelievable With that clock?" "oh, that," st. peter replies, "that's decided to use it as a fan." Steven thode Baby To the boondocks to deliver a baby. Electricity. when the doctor arrived, Laboring mother and her 5-year-old To hold a lantern high so he could Deliver the baby. the child did so, While, the doctor lifted the newborn On the bottom to get him to take his The 5-year-old what he thought of Year-old said. �he shouldn�t have Subject: old enough for bad words Were 10 years old and 7 years old. To be the cool one, said to the Older brother was the coolest, We should start saying bad words.� Sure about it, but decided to go With the plan. the older brother Down Say �hell� and you say �fatass.�� Early the next morning and went Breakfast. their mom asked the 10 Breakfast this morning, honey?� I�ll just have some cheerios.� Face, washed his mouth out with And dragged him up the stairs, When she came back down, she let Boy Answered, �i�m not sure, but you can Fatass i�m not going to say cheerios.� Speeding in wheelchair An old lady in a nursing home is Her wheelchair making sounds like Down the hall an old man jumps out Ma�am but you were speeding. can i Digs around in her purse a little, pulls To him. he looks it over, gives her a Way. up and down the halls she Man jumps out of a room and says, Cross over the center line back Please?� she digs around in her Receipt and Gives her another warning and sends Again up and down the halls, All over. as she comes to the old Stark naked and has an erection. Looks up and says, �oh no, not the Subject: old lady in sex shop Slowly Shop. obviously Shakily hobbles Counter. Grabbing it for Hhhave dddddildosss?� Holding himself Fact. � �dddooo yyyouuu Inchesss lllong Thththiiickkk?� �cccccannnn yyyouuu ttelll mmmeee Tttooo ttturrrnnn tttheee Offfff!!!!� From: steven thode To: 'alert newland'; 'beverly j. 'bob duke'; 'bob shorkey'; 'bob west'; Wesloski'; 'chris louzonis'; 'chris 'gregory shepherd'; 'gus mondalek'; Mcewen'; 'lennie collins'; 'les'; 'lonnie 'michael muscedere'; 'mike leek'; 'mike 'natasha jones'; 'priscilla d isenberg'; 'sam chance'; 'shaun watson'; 'shawn Whitman' Young woman Young woman. they have been Been able to �perform� when About 1 � years into the marriage, Old guy goes to the doctor and says It is impossible for her to be Be.� Says �i�ve got a story to tell you: i And we were charged by a large My umbrella, opened it fully, and Would have hit and surely killed me.� You can�t shoot a rhino with an Shot it.� The old guy and says �right, now Steven thode Say what? �computers in the future Popular mechanics, forecasting the �i think there is a world market for Thomas watson, chairman of ibm, �i have traveled the length and With the best people, and i can Fad that The editor in charge of business �but what ... is it good for?� Systems division of ibm, 1968, �there is no reason anyone would Ken olson, president, chairman and 1977 �this �telephone� has too Considered as a means of Inherently of no Western union internal memo, 1876. Imaginable commercial value. who Nobody in particular?� Response to his urgings for �the concept is interesting and well- Than a �c,� the idea must be feasible.� Professor in response to fred smith�s Delivery service. (smith went on to �who the hell wants to hear actors H.m. warner, warner brothers, �i�m just glad it�ll be clark gable who�s Cooper.� Take the leading role in �gone with �a cookie store is a bad idea. Say america likes crispy cookies, not Make.� Starting mrs. fields� cookies. Music is on the way out.� Beatles, 1962. Impossible.� 1895. Have done the experiment. the Said you can�t do this.� To the unique adhesives for 3-m �so we went to atari and said, �hey, Built with some of your parts, and Us? or we� ll give it to you. we just Come work for you.� and they said, Packard, and they said, �hey, we Through college yet.�� Jobs on attempts to get atari and hp Personal computer. The relation between action and Something better than a vacuum Which to react. he seems to lack the High schools.� Robert goddard�s revolutionary rocke �you want to have consistent and All of your muscles? it can�t be done. Have to accept inconsistent muscle Condition of weight training.� Solved the �unsolvable� problem by �drill for oil? you mean drill into the You�re crazy.� Enlist to his project to drill for oil in �stocks have reached what looks like Irving fisher, professor of economics, �airplanes are interesting toys but of Marechal ferdinand foch, professor Guerre. Has been invented.� Office of patents, 1899. Ridiculous fiction�. Physiology at toulouse, 1872 Brain will forever be shut from the Surgeon�. Surgeon, appointed surgeon- 1873. Anybody.� Subject: older couple and another One night, an 87 year-old woman Husband in bed with another woman. Ended up pushing him off the Of their 20th-floor apartment, killing When brought before the court on If she had anything to say in her "well, your honor", she began coolly. Could still have sex, he could fly!" Us older folks, or i guess it would be Youth deprived or age enhanced, Adventurous life. We have lived as long as we As children, we would ride in cars Riding in the back of a pickup truck on A special treat. Bright colored lead-based paint. Bottles, doors, or cabinets, No helmets. Hose and not from a bottle. Go-carts out of scraps and Out we forgot the brakes. Times we learned to We would leave home in the morning We were back when the streetlights Reach us all day. The ball would really hurt. And drank sugar soda but Always outside playing. Everyone made the team. With disappointment and Some students weren't as smart as Grade and were held back to repeat That generation produced some of Problem solvers. And responsibility, and we It's a wonder that any of our Of that hazardous way of life. Q: what is 6.9? Q: what do a rubix cube and a penis A: the longer you play with them, Q: why was raggedy anne kicked out A: because she kept sitting on To me!� Refrigerator and a gay guy? When you pull the meat out. A: you push them aside before you Q: what is the ultimate definition of A: two cannibals having oral sex. High sperm count? Swallows Mother�s breasts? Kids, but it�s the fathers who are Q: if you get malaria from mosquitoes You get aids from? Q: what is the difference between a A: you can always find a girl to blow Q: what did the banana say to the A: �i don�t know why you�re Q: how come mike tyson�s eyes A: mace Energizer bunny�s batteries A: he keeps coming and coming and Q: what is the speed for sex? Turn over. Pregnant? Whopper. A: so fat women can get laid too. Soy bean and a vibrator? Q. why did mickey mouse divorce A. because she was fuckin� goofy. Erotic sex and kinky sex? Feather, during kinky sex you use Q. what did the hurricane say to the A. �hold on to your nuts, this is going Q: why did the condom cross the A: because it was pissed off. In common? And the thighs, there�s still a greasy Q: what did the egg say to the A: �it might take me a while to get Q: what did one boob say to the A: don�t hang so low, they�ll think Q: what is the politically correct name A: �vagitarian� Fired from his job as a gas station A: right before the tanks were full, Spray gas all over the car. Frog and a horny toad? One says rub-it rub-it! A gynecologist have in common? Can�t eat it. Drug pusher and a prostitute? And sell it again Ritz and a lesbian? Is a crack snacker. Sex alike? You better have a good hand. A big head and women love it? Q: how can you tell when dogs are A: they start doing it in the Q: what is the difference between 69 A: when driving in the fog, you can�t Q: why did eve bite the forbidden A: because it tasted better than Q: how can you tell if a witch is A: check out which end of the Q: what�s the difference between A: oral sex makes your day, anal sex Steven thode I hope you like this, especially my White, according to this. please do Italian/mexican/american references. Sent to us by our most popular Substantially After much careful research, it was Artist, vincent van gogh, had many His obnoxious brother....please gogh The brother who ate prunes....gotta The constipated uncle ....cant gogh Convenience store....stopn gogh Gogh White....hue gogh His magician uncle....wherediddy His italian uncle....day gogh The mexican cousin�s american half The nephew who drove a stage The ballroom dancing aunt....tan A sister who loved disco....go gogh His nephew psychoanalyst....e gogh An aunt who taught positive The little bouncy nephew....poe A niece who travels the country in a --------- end forwarded message Steven thode On the highway Loaded rig to the top of a steep hill Steep other side when he noticed a Road, making love. he blew his air Down on them. realizing that His way he slammed on his brakes Getting out of the cab, madder than Of the cab and looked down at the �what the hell�s the matter with you Horn? you could�ve been killed!� the Satisfied and not too concerned, Coming, she was coming, and you With brakes.� Subject: one line jokes Play? Noise. Satanist? Did you hear about the guy who lost He's all right now. Doesn�t work? What do you call cheese that isn�t Nacho cheese. His left arm and leg in a car crash? Did you hear about the man who was He broke his ankle when he fell into How do crazy people go through the They take the psycho path. Boil the hell out of it. Lightbulb? Apartment.� Concrete wall? What do eskimos get from sitting on Polaroids. Other? What do the letters d.n.a. stand for? What do you call santa�s helpers? What do you call four bull fighters in Quatro sinko. Cow? What do you ge
