Subject: recommend you divert your Always good to know who you are This is the actual radio conversation of Authorities off the coast of Conversation released by the chief of Canadians: please divert your course Collision. Your course 15 degrees to the north Canadians: negative. you will have to South to avoid a collision. Navy ship. i say again, divert your Canadians: no, i say again, you divert Americans: this is the aircraft carrier The united states atlantic fleet. we are Three cruisers and numerous support Your course 15 degrees north. i say Or counter-measures will be This ship. Call. You'll appreciate this joke, whether Worked in human resources or not... Street a highly Was hit by a bus and tragically died. Up in heaven where Peter himself. "before you get Seems we have a problem. you see, We've never once had We're not really "no problem, just let me in." said the "i'd like to, but i have higher orders. Going to do is let you Heaven and then you One you want to spend an eternity "actually, i think i've made up my Stay in heaven," said the woman. With that st. peter put the executive in And it went Opened, and she Out onto the putting green of a In the distance, sat Standing in front, were Fellow executives that she had Life. they were all Cheering for her. they Both cheeks, and talked about old An excellent round of Club, where she Steak and lobster dinner. she met the Actually a really nice Time telling She was having such a good time Knew it, it was time to leave. Waved good-bye as she got The elevator went up-up-up and Pearly gates, where st. peter awaited "now it's time to spend a day in She spent the next 24 hours lounging Playing the harp, And before she knew Were over. st. peter came and got "so, you've spent a day in hell, and Day in heaven. now you The woman paused for a second and Never thought i'd say Great and all, So st. peter escorted her to the She went down-down-down, back to When the doors of the elevator Herself standing in a Garbage and filth. she Dressed in rags, picking up the It in sacks. the devil Around her. Woman, "yesterday Was a golf course and a country club Lobster and we danced and Wasteland of Miserable." "yesterday we were Subject: red wings fans A first grade teacher explains to her Avalanche fan. she asks her students Avalanche fans too. Avalanche fan is, but wanting to be Into the air. there is, however, one Along with the crowd. Decided to be different. She retorts. You?" Boasts the little girl. the teacher is a Red. she asks the little girl why she is "well, my dad and mom are wings Responds. Reason," she says loudly. "what if Was an idiot. what would you be "oh," says the little girl. "well, then i'd Subject: redneck birth control Alabama couple decided that was As they could not afford a larger bed. Doctor/veterinarian and told him that To have any more children. the doctor Called a vasectomy that could fix the A less costly alternative, said the Bomb It, put it in a beer can, then hold The alabamian said to the doctor, "i World, but i don't see how putting a Ear is going to help me." So the man went home, lit a cherry Held the "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he Between his legs, and resumed Other hand. Tennessee, mississippi and west Subject: redneck childbirth The redneck�s wife went into labor in Doctor was called out to assist in Electricity, the doctor handed the �here, you hold this high so i can What i am doing.� soon, a baby boy �whoa there,� said the doctor. �don�t Down....i think there�s yet another Minutes he had delivered a baby girl. Put down that lantern... it seems Sure enough, within minutes he had �no, no, don�t be in such a hurry to There�s yet another one coming.� Bewilderment, and asked the That�s attractin� �em?� Subject: redneck computer repair Been working at a computer in your 10: the monitor is up on blocks. Stains on them. Out. Truck parts installed in them. To six. 4: there is a gun rack mounted on 3: there is a skoal can in the cd-rom 2: the keyboard is camouflaged. �critter�. Application Plez compleet this paper, best ya Last name: ________________ [_] billy-bob [_] bobby-sue [_] billy-ray [_] bobby-ann [_] billy-mae [_] bobby-ellen Sue Sex: [_]m [_]f [_]none Occupation: [_] hair dresser [_] waitress Spouse�s name: 2nd spouse�s name: 3rd spouse�s name: Lover�s name: 2nd lover�s name: Relationship with spouse: [_] brother [_] uncle [_] father [_] daughter Number of children living in Number of children living in shed: Number of children that are yours: Mother�s name: Father�s name: Education: 1 2 3 4 (circle highest If you obtained a higher education [_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade Mobile home? Keep them: Own Crank ___ number of vehicles in back yard Blocks You are still slow lerrnin? Firearms you own and where you ____ truck ____ kitchen Bathroom/outhouse Model and year of your pickup: Do you have a gun rack? Newspapers/magazines you [_] the national enquirer [_] the [_] tv guide [_] soap [_] rifle and shotgun [_] ___ number of times you�ve seen a ___ number of times you�ve seen ___ number of times you�ve seen How often do you bathe: [_] monthly How many teeth in your mouth? ___ [_] yellow [_] brownish-yellow [_] n/a Prefer: How far is your home from a paved [_] 1 mile [_] don�t know Redneck humor (no offecnse How do you know when you're When you call the front desk and say Person at the front desk says" go -------------------------------------------- How can you tell if an oklahoma There is dried chewing tobacco on -------------------------------------------- Did you hear that they have raised Tennessee to 32? Out of the high schools! -- Haw" in mississippi? -------------------------------------------- How many rednecks does it take eat Two. one to eat, and one to watch -------------------------------------------- Why did god invent armadillos? 'possum on the halfshell. -- Oklahoma. if it was invented Called a teethbrush. -- Pickup truck on i-40. The driver says, "bout what?" -- Tennessee state lottery? Million years. -- To west virginia? -------------------------------------------- Did you hear that the governor's Burned down? Trailer park. -- Carolina: Still brother and sister. -- Out of arkansas? -------------------------------------------- Two m Myself yelling out in a fit of ___the fact that our finest dining Mcdonald's reveals a thriftiness ___your inadvertent admission that Indicates that you may be Than my personality. I.e., i asked you 20 questions about Me more than one about myself. Mine. If you can fit into my pants, then you Pants. We produced would inevitably be ___you're too tall. i'm developing a Kiss you. ___i find your inability to fix my car ___the fact that your apartment has Slovenliness that i fear is ___the phrase "my mother" has Conversation. ___although i do enjoy the x-files, i Uniforms a little disconcerting. Ex-girlfriend leads me to suspect Psychotic stalker. Is not a trait that i am seeking in a ___your height is out of proportion However, happen to gain the Resubmit your application. Probowler's tour as "must see tv" Not meet my intelligence ___somehow i doubt those condoms Were really necessary for a ___i am out of your league; set your Sincerely, Steven thode Top 10 rejection lines given by Mean...) Remind me of that inbred 9 there�s a slight difference in our Jurassic geezer.) Way. (you are the ugliest 7 my life is too complicated right Spending the hole night or else you All the other guys i�m seeing.) My male cat and a half 5 i don�t date men where i work. Date you if you were in the same Same building.) It�s you.) (even something as boring Than dating you.) The men like you.) Stay around so i can tell The other men i meet Perspective thing) (and what they actually 10 i think of you as a sister. (you�re 9 there�s a slight difference in our 8 i�m not attracted to you in �that� 7 my life is too complicated right 6 i�ve got a girlfriend. (you�re 5 i don�t date women where i work. 4 it�s not you, it�s me. (you�re 3 i�m concentrating on my career. 2 i�m celibate. (you�re ugly.) Men (and what it 1 let�s be friends. (you�re sinfully Subject: relationship with god Annual physical. all of his tests came Said, �george, How are you doing mentally and Are you at peace with yourself, and Your god?� Tight. he knows i have poor When i get up in the middle of Poof!! the light goes on when i pee, When i�m done.� Incredible!� a little later in the day �thelma,� he said, �george is just To call because i�m in awe of his He gets up during the night and Bathroom and then poof...the light Thelma exclaimed, �that damn old Again!� The pope and the big golf round Discuss a proposal from benjamin �your holiness,� said one of the Challenge you to a game of golf to Spirit shared by the jewish and The pope thought it was a good idea, His hand. �don�t we have a cardinal �none that plays golf very well,� a �there is a man named jack nicklaus, Catholic. we can offer to make him a Benjamin netanyahu as your To We�ll also win the match.� The call was made. of course, Play. the day after the match, Inform the pope of the result. Bad news, your holiness,� said the Tell me the good news first, cardinal �well, your holiness, i don�t like to Some pretty terrific rounds of golf in Played, by far. i must have been Long and true, my irons were Putting Play was truly miraculous.� �yes,� nicklaus sighed. �i lost to rabbi Steven thode A couple married forty years were To on their honeymoon. driving They passed a ranch with a tall deer The woman said, �sweetheart, let�s Years ago.� Backed against the fence and they Love like never before. �darling, you sure never moved like Forty years ago - or any time since The woman says, �forty years ago Steven thode It�s kinda lonnnng, y�all....sorry! lol And go back..... Before semiautomatics and crack Before sega or super nintendo I�m talkin� bout hide and seek at dusk The ice cream man (only after dinner) Doin� steps Pretzel day at school Chocolate milk The first time you got on the big Catch a girl get a girl - oooooh! Playin� ms. pacman in the corner Hopscotch Double dutch Bands Kick ball King ball y�all! Rainbow ice cream Candy apples Hoola hoops and sunflower seeds Jolly ranchers Ring pops Now-laters?? Right well The smell of the sun and lickin� salty Wait..... The foot Tom & jerry He-man The three stooges on sunday Catchin� lightning bugs in a jar When around the corner seemed far And goin� on the avenue seemed like Block parties (get to stay out past Bedtimes Cornrows with beads and foil Fingers Cowboys and indians (we didn�t know Then) Schwinn - but only had a Remember underoos (one time for And easy bake ovens? The cabbage patch craze??!! Sittin� on the curb Jumpin� on the bed Being tickled to death Laughing so hard your stomach really Being tired-from playing We ain�t finished just yet..... Way befo� apple jacks!! House (dill pickles, hot Pigs feet, pickled eggs, mickey What about crowding in a circle Fight� Then running when the teacher What about the girl who had the big- �evil kneivel� wind-up motorbikes �hot wheels� race car sets For us po� folk) Explosives and getting purple Radio shack � am/fm radio kits Eating honeysuckle off the vine (for Graham crackers & milk at noon Lots sugar on �em Ouch!) And watching them get Skipping rocks on a lake Tackle football and grass stains Last, but not least, saturday Train!� Your moms made you pick out the Get whipped with Real Football with the fellas, If you acted up, your mother would No matter where you were Momma driving past mcdonald�s �toughskins� You didn�t get new ones- Your momma would cook turkey for Outfor 2 weeks until it was gone Jumping people�s fences to pick plums Pomegranites The brotha� that had the best break But couldn�t dance..... Year at the family Throwing rocks at the neighbor�s dog Scraped off the black stuff, For you� After moms already said, You can�t forget... Fat woman� Hall) Going to bed at 9pm just when the Was coming on Stretch armstrong (for the brotha�s) Sista�s) Going to see any sidney poitier and Theatre There�s more, but i won�t take it to Subject: remember when? - techno > > remember when....... > > a computer was something > > from a science fiction show > > a window was something you > > and ram was the cousin of a > > Girlfriend Nights Things > > Employment > > a 'cursor' used profanity Piano. > > memory was something that > > a cd was a bank account Floppy Out. > > compress was something you > > not something you did to a > > and if you unzipped anything > > you'd be in jail for a while. > > 'log on' was adding wood to > > 'hard drive', a long trip on > > a mouse pad was where a > > while a 'backup' happened in > > Knife > > a 'web' was a spider's silky > > and a 'virus' was the flu. > > i guess i'll stick to my pad and > > and the 'memory' in my head A computer crash Were dead. Subject: remember when....... A computer was something on tv Window Clean.... and ram was the cousin of Goat..... meg was the name of my And gig was your middle finger Now they all mean different things An application was for employment A cursor used profanity Memory was something that you lost A cd was a bank account You hoped nobody found out The garbage And if you unzipped anything in You�d be in jail for a while Hard drive was a long trip on the A mouse pad was where a mouse And a backup happened to your Cut you did with a pocket knife A web was a spider�s home I guess i�ll stick to my pad and paper I hear nobody�s been killed in a But when it happens they wish they Subject: remember when... Simpler! Because it ended with a "double dog To pass it on. to remember what a Remember that the perfect age is Know better Many do you remember? 02. wax coke-shaped bottles with 03. soda pop machines that 04. coffee shops with tableside juke 05. blackjack, clove and teaberry 06. home milk delivery in glass 07. party lines. 09. p. f. flyers 11. telephone numbers with a word 12. peashooters. 14. 45 rpm records 16. hi-fi's 18. mimeograph paper 20. beanie and cecil 22. cork popguns 24. studebakers 26. the fuller brush man 28. tinkertoys 30. the fort apache playset 32. 15 cent mcdonald hamburgers Cards...with that awful pink slab of 34. penny candy 36. girl scout cookies were .50 i When..................... Meeny-miney-mo." Exclaiming "do over!" Who ran the fastest. Whoever was the banker in Catching the fireflies could happily It wasn't odd to have two or three Being old referred to anyone over The net on a tennis court was the Rules didn't matter. The opposite sex was "cooties". "remove" his thumb. Wasn't an olympic event. Being caught with a slingshot. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and It was a big deal to finally be tall At the amusement park. True. A "double-dog-dare." 30-minute ads for action figures. A new toy was brought home. Perfect sense. Falling down was cause for giggles. Picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate Baseball cards in the spokes Motorcycle. Chewable aspirin. Food group. Tormentors, but also the fiercest If you can remember most or all of Pass this on to anyone who may Life.... Steven thode An 80 year old couple were having So they decided to go to their doctor Nothing was wrong with them. They explained to the doctor about Their memory. after checking the That they were physically okay but Down and make notes to help them The couple thanked the doctor and Later that night while watching tv, Chair and his wife asks, "where are The replies, "to the kitchen." Ice cream?" She then asks him, "don't you think Can remember it?" She then says, "well i also would like Had better write that down cause i He says, "i can remember that, you Strawberries." Whip cream on top. i know you Down." Don't need to write that Fumes into the kitchen. From the kitchen and hands her a She stares at the plate for a moment Subject: request to god for 100 A little boy wanted $100 badly and Happened. Requesting the $100. when the Addressed to god usa, they decided The president was so impressed, Instructed his secretary to send the President clinton thought this would Little boy. the little boy was delighted A thank you note to god, which Dear god, Money but, i noticed that for some Washington d.c. and, as usual, those Steven thode Buckley; bob duke; bob shorkey; bob Thompson; brian wesloski; chris Gilmore; day Eichner; kevin gabbert; lennie collins; Lonnie burns; mark zip zimmermann; Warren; Rick scutt; 'ray wick'; ron mason; russ Watson; shawn m. whitman; stefan Subject: resource management Taken to a table by the head waiter. > he sits at the table, he knocks the Waiter Out another spoon and places it on >table. the guy says " how come > Resource management team come >look at our jobs to suggest ways 31% of Onto the floor. if we carry one with >saves time by not having to go to > > Goes to the counter to pay for his >as he is paying he notices that the >hanging from his fly. he asks the > Had that resource management team Improve our jobs. they suggested >have a piece of string attached to >the old fella will drop out. that way >don't need to wash them, thus > He pays his money and turns to >restaurant. as he reaches the Something The head waiter and asked "how do >get your old fella back in your > Guys but i use the spoon." On gcse Were collated from last Geography A: salt, pepper, mustard and 2. explain one of the processes by Drink. Drink because it removes large Like grit, sand, dead sheep and 3. how is dew formed? Leaves and makes them perspire. A: a body of earth surrounded by 5. what causes the tides in the A: the tides are a fight between the To There is no water on the moon, and Abhors a vacuum. i forget where the Sociology Company insist on? Will insist you are well endowed. Important are elections? Happen when a male gets an 8. what are steroids? The stairs. 9. give an example of a fungus. A: mushrooms. they always grow in Umbrellas. A: a small lie. A: nearby. Birth control? Contraception by wearing a 13. give the meaning of the term A: the caesarean section is a district 14. what is a seizure? 15. what is a terminal illness? 16. what happens to your body as A: when you get old, so do your 17. what happens to a boy when he A: he says goodbye to his boyhood 18. name a major disease associated A: premature death. A: when the farmer does it to the 20. how can you delay milk turning A: keep it in the cow. Body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.) Parts - the brainium, the borax and Abdominal cavity. the branium Contains the Cavity contains the five bowels: And u. 22. use the word "judicious" in a Meaning. As your face. {do dishes} Mean? You be eight. 24. what is a turbine? Head. Subject: resumes The month. another one i�m going Some of these already. From resumes Overlook. O responsibility makes me O they insisted that all Every morning. Conditions. Broken promises and lies, as well as O i was working for my mom until O the company made me a Previous Job responsibilities: Nature of an assignment, i am Oriented as to at least partially Heretofore and that it be configured As to ultimately lead to the Financial management as the major O i was proud to win the gregg Special requests & job objectives: Because i am self-employed and my For another job. Meteorologist. but since i have no Meteorology, i suppose i should try O i procrastinate - especially Physical disabilities: And mongolian sheep. O donating blood. 14 gallons so Small typos that can change the O education: college, august O work experience: Conflicts that arouse. Annual operating expense O i�m a rabid typist. Operation for a Subject: retirement in a mobile park Retirement in a mobile park thru the This is just so cute! after a spring Asked her young pupils how they One child wrote the following: Holidays with grandma and Big brick house, Moved to arizona. Other retarded Have rocks painted Around on big Because they don't know They go to a building called a They must have got it fixed, because Now. they play games and do Don't do them very well. They all jump up and Guess they don't At their gate, there is a doll house Man sitting in it. he watches all day Escape. sometimes they sneak out. Cruising in their golf carts.
