-The Unnatural Putrefaction of the Human Soul-
WE LIVE IN A NUCLEAR SOCIETY
Welcome to the fallout...
And my poetry remains up: -POEMS-
Thursday, August 14 1:24 am
Music Playing: Some good, hard, Punk shit.
This entry has been a long time in coming... I've been in Utah (again... *sigh*) now for... I dunno, it feels like an eternity but it's somewhere closer to 3 months or something. I honestly haven't been able to make an entry for a good number of reasons. First, I didn't get my computer until somewhat recently. Second, I have NO PRIVACY AT ALL. I am forced to live with my little brother in a tiny room. I was going to move into the garage, but fuck all, my extended family has taken it upon themselves to use it as a free fucking storage shed. *sigh* So anyway, I'm able to make this entry solely because A) My little brother is out having a life somewhere. B) Everyone else is asleep and not bothering me. So I may as well make the best of what little time I have, eh?
Alright, well... Let's see... From the start, I suppose. Um, well... I moved back to Utah. The flight was relatively uneventful. It was interesting to fly over cities in the middle of the night. They look like a lighted circuitboard in the middle of a sea of inky black. Our new home is... Alright. We (Seven of us!) live in a 3 bedroom duplex. The bedrooms are pretty damn small... It wouldn't be so bad, really, though... If our neighbors weren't fucking lunatics. One never knows what they're going to do next... Once, while we were mowing the lawn at 2pm, this kid started screaming, "TURN OFF THE LAWNMOOOWWWEEERRRRRR!!" at the top of his damn lungs. One other time this guy was in his backyard smashing chairs and bottles against a brick wall and then laughing maniacally... *sigh*
Things are pretty tight here... We don't even have a fucking car, thanks mostly to my mom's stupid fucking asshole husband. They got a tax return for a grand or so and the ass spent it all to take a trip down here... KNOWING FULL WELL that we NEED a car and my baby sister has dental work that needs to be done ASAP that's going to cost up to $2000 and WE DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING INSURANCE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE! FUCK! *sigh*
So, being without a car, my mom's been walking to and fro to the grocery store, carrying the groceries on her stroller. I babysit for her while she does this. And any other time we need to get something and have to walk a fucking 5 miles for.
I want to help so bad... But I'm so fucking useless. The job market is terrible right now, being an employer's market. And me with no prior experience and not even a fucking high-school diploma... Well, no one wants to hire me. It doesn't help that I don't have a vehicle with which to go job hunting in, either.
Speaking of which... My ever-so-benevolent father offered to "give" me his old piece of shit truck with a manual transmission that handles like ass... Really fat, stupid ass. Just so long as he could "borrow" it whenever he wanted. Meanwhile he went and bought himself a nice four-door 1998 model Hyundai. Yet he still sees fit to say things like, "It's not like I would ever let my kids do without". FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SLIME BAG PIECE OF SHIT!
Oh... Ha... I don't believe I mentioned what happened with Audrey. Like I said, I started talking to her again... KNOWING THAT ONLY PAIN AND UNBEARABLE SUFFERING WOULD RESULT. But I did it anyway... What was that I said about putting a final nail into my stupid fucking coffin again? ...Anyway... It wasn't long before I proved myself right. One night when I was talking with her, she mentioned that she was going over to some schmuck's house to "watch movies"........ *sigh* Well, that was kind of like a spear in my heart, there. I didn't take it well, of course... But when do I -ever- take things well? Well, I decided that I should have kept to my former decision... And now I'm not talking to her again. Pfft. Like I'll be missed. Missed like a wart or cancer, maybe... Despite this, I recently took another peek at her page... "It won't hurt. I just wanna check up on how she's doin'... Yeah... That's it... Heh... Right... Real quick like... Let's seeee... Oookay. Mm hmm... *click click* What's thi - OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! *heart attack*" FYI - I saw a picture of her in her feline regalia........... WHHHHYYYYYYYYYY?!?! I HATE YOU WORLD!!! *smacks his head against the desk as hard as he can until that image fades from his mind*
Uh... What was I talking about again? Er... I dunno... But my head rrreeeaalllly hurts... Oh well. Anyway... I've been talking to Huw again...... *sigh* I don't know what it is... But... He seems really different... Or... Something. He's been pretty distant with me. At least it feels that way. Who can blame him, I guess. Nyssa...... I have not spoken to. Or, more accurately.... She has not spoken to -me-. I think that speaks volumes about my standing with her now... }=-[ I'm such a fucking prick... I don't deserve any of their friendships... Huw is friends with Jadie again so that may be it. She even visited him recently. She's a perfect friend for him... I wish I could be as good of a friend for Huw... But I guess I'm no Jade. Maybe he's trying to phase me out? I'm just baggage, anyway... But I don't know what I'd do if he did do that. I'd truly be alone, then. I don't know... I don't wanna think about it...
Well... That's enough melodramatic bullshit for now, I guess. Hell, that's enough melodramatic bullshit for a lifetime. Fuck. *sigh*
Monday, October 13 3:39 am
Okay, I realize I haven't updated in a while. There is a reason for this. I have been in contact with Audrey again, and with her evil feminine wiles, she tricked me into getting a Live Journal account. I've been putting the stuff there that I typically put here aside from things I'd rather have her not know about. Like my absurd crush on her... I don't know what it is. I just may be terminally self-destructive. I'm starting to think I just -like- to have my heart broken. I've discovered that she has a large harem of guys who absolutely adore her. And I'm just another poor clueless schmuck. I think she is very vaguely aware that I am attracted to her on some small level... I mean, how could she NOT?! I've made it all but obvious. However, beyond that I do not think she has a clue that it's anything less than superficial. If she knew the truth of it, I'm fairly positive she'd quickly and ruthlessly drop me like a bad habit. Not maliciously, mind you... But something more akin to shooting a lame horse. It would be the only humane thing to do. Anyway, if you want to read through my bullshit, go here:
I'll be updating here very infrequently as long as I have my LJ account.
Before I stopped speaking with Huw (I'd rather not get into it right now), he showed me an email from Jenn. Seems, for some reason utterly incomprehensible to stupid me, she wants to get into contact with me. I've been mulling that one over ever since. That one came completely from left field. That is to say, it was unexpected. I had been vigorously trying to force shut that chapter in my life to the benefit of all, and attempt to learn from my atrocities and move on. But... The past haunts. I have no idea what she could want. Perhaps she's forgiven me and wants me to stop torturing myself? Ah, but then that would be the ideal case, wouldn't it? Always the pessimist, I fear she wants to contact me in order to vent a frustration or two. Or three. But considering what I did to her, I owe her that at the very least. Even if that's not the case, I feel so much guilt about what happened that the thought of talking to her again fills me with an acute dread. But what can I say? I'm a coward. In any case, whilst mulling this over all this time, I managed to lose her contact info. How convenient? Anyway, I more than certainly owe her this, so Jenn, if you're ever reading this... [email protected] Yeah... I know. What a stupid email account name. But I thought it was only going to be temporary when I made it.
