Sunday, May 11 8:52 pm
Well, lookie hey! I have
returned! ...Yeah, I'm pretty disappointed about it too... Well,
there's no sense in crying over spilt milk, so let's get on with the
freak show!
Incidentally, I had lost my password for this
fuckheap ONCE AGAIN and this aforementioned freak show almost did NOT
go on... Well, you non-existant readers shall not escape my wrath
THAT easily! Ha! HA HA, even! ...Right.
All 3.5 of my imaginary readers
probably want an update on the whole "Huw" thing... Well, and I'm quite
sure you'll fail to be surprised by this, I blew things out of proportion.
That's not to say I don't feel as if I weren't justified in being
angry (though, much as I predicted, he did indeed feel that way)... Just
not quite THAT angry. We didn't see eye to eye on the matter, but
we agreed to disagree and now I'm mad at him for something completely
different. *grin* Well, I'm not really mad at HIM really...
Just... I dunno. Upset. It's not really his fault, really...
S'just that I am currently in a chaotic state of affairs (Oh yes,
as if it could be ANY other way!) and have been looking forward to talking
to him but he skipped off to play some damned game instead... Grr. But
I'll get over it by tomorrow... But he'll probably not want to talk
to me again tomorrow as well. Can't say I blame him. Or anyone
for that matter. Even though it's THEIR fault!!!!!!11!!1
Let's see... Oh yes! UPDATE! I am
moving back to Utah this Saturday! I had thought it would have
happened much sooner, but that's the way the cards played, I guess. The
entire situation has caused me undue stress, and as such, I have been
doing things that my typically -rational-, -calculating-, -thoughful-,
NON-ABBY NoRmAL mind usually keeps me from doing. On the small level
I have become quite irritable with everyone around me. Huw can attest
to this. On the higher, and stupider, level, I have commited a grave,
grave mistake.
I believe you, and by you I mean nobody,
will recall a little lass I had feared I was developing a fancy for some
time ago. In a moment... Make that a RARE moment... Okay, the ONLY
moment of pure REASON I have ever experienced, I made the completely wise
and utterly HEALTHY decision to just STOP TALKING TO HER before I did
and/or said something less than becoming of my immense genius level intellect
(Sorry, I had to counterbalance all the self-loathing). Well, unfortunately
(both for her and myself), in a moment of lonely, sex-depraved, neurotic
weakness that would put your average stalker to shame, I tracked down her
webpage. Not her OLD webpage, mind you, that isn't there anymore. But
managed to find her NEW webpage... Somehow... Can't really remember
the exact method amongst the fuzzy memories of bad opera music and a 1 gallon
jug of wine...... *wobble* ANYWAY. Feeling much akin to the
guy who perches in a tree to peek at his neighbor undressing, I browsed
through her pages. Some of the things she had written concerned me...
She's apparently still cutting herself... Or at least I believe she
was cutting herself last time I talked to her. Just the fact that
she talks about it tells me a lot, however. She just wants attention
for it... It's not that I'm passing judgement on her, and I can even
understand why she would choose such a method of getting attention, it's
just that you wouldn't talk about it if you did not want the attention.
I ought to know, when I was cutting myself (okay, I know I'm breaking
my own rule now, but no one reads this page, so there) I did my best to
hide the cuts I made, and I didn't talk about it other than maybe once with
Huw. I didn't do it for the attention, but for the pain... But I digress.
I looked at her photos she had posted... And she somehow managed
to grow even more beautiful. She dyed her hair red (OMG! What
a tease!), and seems to have taken up a penchant for wearing black (OMFG!
That's like, teasier!), though that might have just been in those
particular photos. She has the most beautiful eyes, and sexiest lips...
Auuuuuuuugh! Anyway, I assume you surmise the general state of mind
it put me in (no, not a -gutter- mind, give me -some- credit!). Anyway,
I began to enter in a furious debate with myself over getting in contact
with her again. I was concerned about this enough to consult my friends
(Huw, Nyssa, and Brady). Now Nyssa, and particularly Brady recommended
that I indeed SHOULD talk to her again. Or at least not be so scared
by the notion. Huw, who is much more logical than any of us put together,
and knows me well enough (too well...) to know exactly where this is all
going to lead warned me AWAY from such a course of action. In retrospect...
I wished I had taken Huw's advice... But the "I"s had it, I suppose...
I reported earlier that I was a touch... Concerned...
That she had read my webpage... I had been wondering just
how she found my URL, but now I seem to remember GIVING IT TO HER (AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
WHYWHYWHWYHWHEODUFHYDSGDGLJ!!!!??!?12/dgfg) once long long ago... Apparently...
I forgot... EEERRRGH! In any case, when I talked to her (Yes,
I know what you're saying, it's all downhill from here now...) she told
me that she DID IN FACT VISIT MY WEBSITE WHY GOD WHY WHy WHYYYyyyy)YOIYSFD?f
THAT SAID, however, she CLAIMS not to remember anything I wrote...
Hmmm... If she -had- read what I wrote about her, I do not believe
she would forget. So she either did not read it, or she's lying.
THAT SAID, Brady (curse his lawful good alignment) said that he
TOLD HER WHY I STOPPED TALKING TO HER!!! AUGH! ...*ahem* 'Scuse
me... Just a... moment...
(Numerous crashes, explosions, and screams are heard in the distance)
Okay, I feel muuuch better...
What shotgun?! *hides it under his desk and smiles* Anyway,
I asked her if Brady had told her anything "unusual" in regards to my
disappearance, and she said no... .............Suspicious...
So, I had no questions answered... That would
of course be FAAAAARRR too easy. She DID manage to cause me mental
anguish, however, by telling me about her tongue and navel piercings (WHY?!
WHY SHE-TEMPTSTRESS?! WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME WITH YOUR SINISTER
WILES?!), and she casually remarked about some guy named "Mike" that she
said had remarked upon her hotness.... Grraaaugh... When asked about
this fellow, she was reluctant to go into detail. Maybe she was afraid
I would put him on my People Who Have Instigated Phallic-jealously list.
I call that my "PWHIP" list for short - HEY! Why are you laughing?!
Why does everyone laugh when I tell them about my PWHIP problem?! YOU'RE
LAUGHING EVEN HARDER! OMG STOP!
*cough*
Anywho! Other than making my obsess- ah... I mean very slight, so TINY as to be UNNOTICABLE interest in her just about completefuckingly obvious, we did not discuss much. Her brother, who now must die, came in and kicked her off the computer.... Orcish... Fury..... Rising!
I have not talked to her since then other than once, and she ran off on me quite abruptly... I suspect she somehow was made aware of the fact that I am a psychotic-obsessive stalker and was put off by this. I dunno. However... On a serious note... Some tornadoes hit her state just recently, and I was almost in a panic about this this morning. I was worried enough to find out exactly where the tornadoes hit, and then look it up on a map to see if they came anywhere near to her town... From what I could gather, nothing came within 100 miles of her... (Too close for MY comfort!) But I'm not gonna stop worrying until I hear word from her.
Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to break this short. My brother-in-law shall be home shortly, and then the small modicum of privacy I am currently enjoying shall vanish like my fleeting hopes for a full and happy life. I have one more week to further update on various happenings, and I shall do so later. I'll also report any happenings in relation to beautiful and EVIL *cough*, I mean, innocent and sweet Audrey... Er... Unless...... She is again reading this... A prospect I did not think of until just now...
....
.......
..............}=-|
}=-/
}:-|
}:-\
........! }8-|
Uh.... Well... If THAT is the case, then she is likely promptly enacting a restraining order and federal agents will swing by the house to pick me up shortly. So my next update may be from within the bars of a federal prison. In any case, til next time!
Tuesday, May 13 10:59 pm
Boy my page is ugly... An eyesore. A mess. Talk about your metaphors...
I just got off the phone with my baby sister, Madisen. It was really hard... She didn't really talk to me so much as she walked around with the phone as if the phone were me. I could hear her crying in the background, and she'd occasionally say, "I miss you Fabie". "Fabie" being her nickname for me, as I suppose I am her favorite... It made me cry and wish that I had moved with them at the same time... But we couldn't afford it... I -was- supposed to go this weekend, but it looks as if we won't be able to afford it again.
This is her. The cheap $10
digital camera this was taken with does not do her justice, trust me. She's
so young... Just 4 years old. I feel like she would love me no
matter what I do... But I know she won't stay the same forever. When
she gets a bit older, I wouldn't be surprised if she were to be embarrased
by the fact that she used to call me "Fabie".
My brother-in-law remarked to me a few days ago
that he was concerned about this "pattern" I was developing... That
I shouldn't feel obligated to take care of my brothers and sisters, and
generally accused me of trying to be their father. I denied it...
But now I know that that's exactly what I'm doing. I've been
filling in the role for so long. Ever since that wretched excuse for
a "father" of mine stepped out... I've fallen into the role and I
haven't even noticed. I don't really know what to think about this...
All I really know is that I feel obligated to take care of them. Trying
to make up for my father's cowardice? I don't know anymore...
I still haven't heard from Audrey...
But I don't think it matters anymore. I've come to a realization...
One that I don't like... But I think... I don't think
I care about her. Not just her... But everyone. Huw...
Nyssa... Brady. Everyone. Though it makes my gut
wrench to type it... And everything in me is screaming that it isn't
true... Well, not everything. Something deep down inside me...
Something that I've ignored for years... The same something
that made me stop talking to Audrey... That something tells me that
I really don't care about any of them. That you don't constantly use
people you truly care about, and that is all I am doing to them is using
them. With Audrey, despite all of her loveliness, I am just using
her just like I used Jen. I just wanted a certain feeling. Love.
And when I couldn't force it, I turned on her. I'll turn on Audrey
too. It's only a matter of time. I don't like to think about it like
that... It's so hard... Because I keep thinking that I do care
about her but I know I would only hurt her! If I really cared I would
have left her alone! Huw, Brady, and Nyssa... Do I care about
them? Part of me tells me that I ADORE them. That I would give
my life multiple times over for them. But actions always did speak louder
than words... And all I have done is use them. All I ever do is try
to dump my own problems into their lives. And what do they get in return
from me? I fucking turn on them!
I managed to upset everyone with my arrogant,
selfish immaturity. Then I managed to turn around and get mad at
THEM for it! Though I don't think I tried to offend anyone in the
first place... At least, I don't remember doing so. Or maybe
I just don't -want- to remember doing so? I don't know anymore. All
I know is that I keep on doing stupid, hurtful things and then not taking
responsibility for it. I couldn't even apologize without making
it worse.
If I truly cared anything about any of these
people, I would be trying to make their lives better. Not worse.
This is why I don't have friends... Because I have been looking
at friendship as a tool. A way to make me feel better about myself.
And when it inevitably blows up in my face I blame everyone else.
There is no other reason for it. It's not because I'm shy.
It's not because people are shallow. It's because I am a user.
Maybe I -would- give my life for a friend... But when will the occassion
for that ever come up? It's really easy to say that you would give
your life for a friend if you have never had cause to do so. Of course,
you would only be able to do it once... So you could no longer offer
that as an incentive for friendship. Irony. In the meantime,
is putting up with all of that bitching worth it? I think I would sooner
shoot myself than deal with myself. Oh wait... I don't deal
with myself, I just dump my problems on everyone else.
So. After all of these years, I am still
making the same old mistakes. I'm obsessed with the idea of love,
yet not being capable of actually loving anyone, including myself. I
use and abuse the friendship of people I call my "closest friends". I
turn on people who care about me...
I came to this conclusion early this morning,
just before 5 am, when I started cutting myself again. Yes... All
of this talk of cutting, and my mindset at the time... I guess
it led me into old habits, as it were. But that's me. Habitual.
I used this cheap knock-off ornamental dagger that wasn't particularly
sharp, so I didn't so much cut as I did saw... I made a cross-hatch
of my inner-forearms... I tried to do it high up so that no one
in the house would notice... It was when I was doing this that I
came to my realization. That things had now gone too far. That
I was never going to learn. That I was going to refuse to learn.
That I was going to continue on hurting myself and those that I
professed to care about. As I clutched the knife in my hands, I fully
felt as a monster. A monster that would never stop because it had convinced
itself that it was the victim. That whatever pain it wrought it was
not responsible for.
I don't know if I can stop the monster.. But
I know I can do my best to keep others out of it's path. That's
why... I've decided to stop. To stop talking to everyone.
It causes me so much sorrow to do this... It brings me to tears
to think of it. But if I don't... Things will get worse. How
much longer will it take to make them hate me? The thought of it
is making me feel like I want to vomit. I just don't want to hurt
them. I don't want to hurt them. I don't have the heart to
tell any of them... I don't know what Audrey would think... Huw
might be angry... Nyssa is already upset with me... Brady
would be hurt.... I know it's going to fucking hurt them, okay!?
I know that is what I am trying to avoid! But what else can
I do?! It's like cutting. Just like cutting. They are
the flesh and I am the knife. No matter what I do, it's going to
hurt! If I go fast, it's going to hurt. But if I go slowly,
it's going to hurt even more. God, I'm going to miss them... I
don't know what else to do... I just don't want to hurt them anymore.
I've been pretty shaken today. I tried
to hide the cuts... But my sister came into my room while I was
sleeping... My cuts could have been exposed and she could have
seen. She hasn't said anything, but she seemed to be acting strangely.
Or maybe it was me acting strangely? Well, I know I was acting
strangely... I tried to act like I normally do... But I think
maybe I made it worse... I don't know... She made dinner and
came into my room to ask me if I liked it... I panicked for no real
reason and I almost started bawling, but I said, "Yeah, it was good." She
asked, "Are you sure?" And I told her "Yes". Then she left the
room, and I was grateful because I was on the verge of losing it... My
sister is really intuitive... I know she thinks something is wrong
with me... And the more I try to hide it from her, the more obvious
it becomes... God, I need to get out of here.
Thursday, May 15 4:11 am
I just got finished making another "X" on my right forearm... I've
switched from the dagger to a regular old serrated kitchen knife. The
wounds it inflicts are rather ghastly... The one I just made is
hurting rather sorely right now. It bled more than the other ones,
though that isn't saying much. I've never been a good bleeder...
Even when I split my hand wide open (accidentally, of course), I
only managed to make a relatively small blotch on a towel. Last night
I cut myself across my left forearm and left bicep with the same knife.
I also singed the wound on my bicep with a lighter... Needless
to say, it hurt considerably. I didn't burn it badly... No blisters
or anything... Don't think I'm quite -that- masochistic.
I keep catching myself about to get on Trillian
to talk to Huw. It's unconscious. What I'm thinking unconsciously,
I can't really say. I really miss him. And Nyssa as well. I
don't know Nyssa nearly as well as I do Huw, so I don't feel as close
to her, naturally... I was, however, fixing to remedy that (Er, short
of talking about sadomasochistic bondage orgies, anyway)... But...
Looks like I really fucked that one up. I wrote her an email
a couple nights ago (or was it last night?). In it I quickly summarized
a bunch of ideas I had for her MUD. POSITIVE (at least I hoped they'd
be perceived that way) ones... Instead of the shit I pulled on her before...
Namely belittling her MUD in front of her friends. I can say
all I want that I didn't mean to do it... But I know I did. I
know it. I mean, I wasn't consciously saying to myself, "Ha ha ha!
I'll show YOU!" or anything. But... I haven't really mentioned
it, but I had been a little bit upset with her to begin with. Well,
a lot upset, really. We (She, Huw, and I) meant to craft a MUD together...
I dunno... I don't really think she liked any of my ideas. Just
wasn't the way she wanted her MUD to be. And... With her having
the leverage of sex over Huw... Well, heh... Let's just say it would
not at all be a difficult thing to persuade him to see things her way.
Then again, perhaps Huw didn't agree with my ideas either? At
first... I thought I was just disappointed. Disappointed but
understanding. I didn't think I was angry with anyone. But I
was. At least I must suppose I was. Well, I know I was. I
remember consciously thinking, "Damn that Nyssa!" but quickly dismissing
the thought. No... Not dismissing... Burying... Burying
it alive... It would seem as if it came back as a zombie hell-bent
on destruction... I had just gotten away from a MUD that I proclaimed
a "curse" on my life to it's administrator (Poor Jus... He really was a
nice guy... Nicer than most the rest especially...) for the problems
I had gotten into through it's medium (I would have gotten into them anyway,
but hey). I felt especially shitty because I had sunk some of my
treasured ideas into that MUD, only to fret about what was being done to
them (particularly my halfling-run theme park) in my absence. Then
we all get together to create our little haven... I lovingly created
a race of insect-like humanoids called the "Manku"... Drafting up art for
them... I even created a written language for them. There I
was, ready to pour my soul into this project and - SNUFF! Gone. So
I guess I blamed her for it. Even though I had no right to... It
was just one of those things that can't be helped...
Just like the situation I am in now. Though
I am feeling markedly better than I was a few nights ago... Even
feeling like I could even manage to maybe patch things up with everyone...
But... What about the next time? Would the next time
make enemies for me? Huw... *shudder* I would NOT want Huw
as an enemy... *snicker* I should think he would be very proud
of himself to hear that... }:-]
My problem... Is that I'll do stupid things
like this... Not realize that they were stupid until days later...
And then not until some days more after that realize exactly WHY
I would do such a thing. In the meantime, I make everything worse.
It's for this reason I have to stay my course on this... Even
though it only gets harder every day... When I originally got mad
at Huw and I didn't talk to him for... Well... Forever, it seemed... My
world became a very lonely place. I used to feel very close to him
before that. I really miss him.
I haven't gotten any emails from anybody... I'm
starting to believe that I won't at all... I'm also starting to
believe that it is all for the better. Audrey hasn't replied to
me... Though I am -fairly- certain she's okay... I now worry
that perhaps she had friends and/or relatives struck by the tornadoes.
I also worry that she somehow came to the conclusion that I am a
deranged sociopath (Gee... Whatever would have given her THAT idea?) and
she would do well to simply stop talking to me (Oh oh... It's almost
too ironic for this NOT to be the actual case!). What a twist that
would be, eh, kiddies?
I talked to Madisen again... Or at least I -tried-
to. The only thing she would say was, "I want my Fabie...", then
my little brother tried to take the phone from her to talk to me and it
got hung up. No one called back. I really despite Utah with
the very fiber of my being... But I really need to get back there.
I really do think of her as my daughter... Even though she's my
sister. A half-sister at that... It makes me feel bad to think
that way... She has a father... But she doesn't really look
at him as a father. When he tries to talk to her on the phone, she
just tells him that she wants to talk to me. So I can't even love her
without feeling guilty. Even though she is the most precious thing
in my life... I feel like I've robbed him of something that is his
and not mine. I don't know... I guess it can't be helped... She's
the closest thing I will ever have to a real daughter. One of my own...
That's a good thing, really... If I can't even manage to have
stable relationships with friends... I don't want to know what kind
of scars I would leave on an innocent child.
I should go now... People will be getting
up to go to work shortly... And I need to compose myself as best
I can.
Friday, May 16 2:29 am
Cutting myself has become a habit... I have
three angry red "Xs" across my inner right forearm, now... It's starting
to get enjoyable... So I have to stop. If I don't stop now,
I'm going to be covered. Plus I'll be back in Utah soon... Too
many people... Too little privacy... I wouldn't be able to hide
it for very long.
I still haven't heard from anyone... Huw
was telling me last time I saw him that he was troubled about something.
I don't know what... I was too self-concerned to find out.
I've been pretty worried about him, actually... I don't know
if I mentioned it before, but he told me he was upset with a friend and
had gone and cut himself with a pair of scissors. I hope they were
sharp... That could be pretty painful if they weren't. I asked him
about it, but he didn't seem like he wanted to go into detail about it.
I was worried I would make him upset so I left him alone about it.
I've been wondering if that was a mistake... I don't know.
I'd been pleading with him to see a doctor as well. He gets
migraines so bad that I personally believed that it had to be something
more serious. I mean... -I- have migraines. In fact,
I'm generally in a state of mild headache. I've gotten so used to
it, though, that I barely notice it. It's my sinuses... Always
clogged. He says that he has insanely bad allergies... Maybe
that's it, though. Just abnormally horrible allergies? I begged
him to see a doctor anyway. Maybe he did? Maybe that was what
he was upset about..? My God... I hope not... I pray he's
alright... But... I suppose I'll never know...
I actually opened Trillian (in case no one was
wondering, Trillian is an omni-client chat prawg) tonight... I clicked
on the password box and then just stopped and shook my head, then
whispered, "Fuck" and had a riotous silent laugh. I thought it was
funny because I did not INTEND to open it! I fucking SWEAR to you
I was thinking to open something else (I think it was Opera) but I just
completely unconsciously opened Trillian! I was quite certain I
was buzzing mad at this point... I also thought I might delete Trillian
and just be done with it... But... I couldn't...
Oh, I suppose I was wrong about NO ONE reading
my logs... I checked my stats last night (which I haven't done in
a great great while) and apparently people somehow managed to innocently
spill into my pit of self-loathing and homo-erotic madness whilst attempting
to find legitimate information. I've compiled a list here of some
of the queries submitted that led formerly sane, happy, well-adjusted individuals
to my den of masochistic destruction... They've all probably commited
suicide in a suitably flashy manner shortly afterward... But I digress
(I do that a lot).
"fucking during flight" (Somehow, I don't think I'll be so lucky on my flight...)
"can overdosing on valium kill" (Well, I'm no doctor, but I'm willing to bet the answer is "yes".)
"lebonese holidays" (Oh what poor soul was led to my site by this search? Probably some innocent college girl doing research for a paper... Now she probably wears latex and has an orc fetish... Hmm... Wonder if she's single?)
"caddywompus" (Whomever did this one is my fucking hero!)
"rascist death metal" (Wait... There's NONracist death metal?!)
"nasty fuckhole" (Interestingly enough, this search yields the page I wrote about my father... *snicker*)
"poemmy sister is a balloon" (Hokay... Uh... I have no idea.)
"dave utah pedophile" (Mwahahahahahaha!!! Well, I see they've finally made him register.)
"sex+impalement+death" (Um... Equals clean wholesome fun?)
"family fuckingnet" (Okay, this one has me a little confused... Was the searcher looking for a network of fucking families, or for families that fuck a net?)
"porta pottie tipping" (Boy, does -that- bring back memories. You've never lived until you tipped a portable outhouse. Rock on, my friend... Rock. On.)
"poems about being backstabbed by a friend" (Hmm, well, I probably do have one lying around the site somewhere...)
"the exorcist church lds mormon" (Okay, that shit just fucking scares me, alright?)
"seperating stems and seeds from weed" (Okay, look... If you're already too stupid to figure out how to do that by yourself, then mebbe you ought not to be smoking weed, yes?)
"ideas for stupid shit" (You've come to the right place!!!)
I suppose I'll be updating more often like this... Seeings I have no REAL people to talk to anymore... CORRECTION... to DUMP ON anymore... Of course, bitching at no one in particular has it's plusses... Namely, a webpage doesn't turn around and call me a nasty prick...
YOU FUCKING NASTY PRICK! OMG!
....}8-|
I stand corrected... Oh well, I really do deserve it... Really..... I really deserve to have my sad-bits (I decided that calling them "fun-bits" didn't make sense because they aren't really all that fun for me) stuffed into a meat grinder. Well, it's not so much a question of "deserve" as it is "keeping the gene pool free of genetic piss". Not that I'll ever manage to breed, mind you, but while I still have genitalia, the threat is ALIVE and REAL, people! *thunder!*
Saturday, May 17 1:45 am
You know... One of these days I really do have to get around to organizing my site somewhat better. It's just... Ugh. Hideous!
On a whim, I checked out the Utah roll call for the
last Convergence get-together (
Convergence
being one of those swanky uber parties of which I will never partake
in). Saw a few familiar faces, there... Madelyn seems to have
the world by the hair (as usual), Maxie is still retina-meltingly hot (no
really, I'm typing this blind now. I just happen to have excellent
typing skills. Hmm... I wonder if she's single?), everyone looked very
different than when I saw them... Ooohhhh... Fuck, 5 years ago, was it?
Fucking christ! Anyway, if I ever stave off my psychosis long
enough I might look them up when I'm back in Ewtah.
I Goddamn ripped my favorite fucking pair of pants
to-fucking-day damn shit fuck in the cock master ass damn! ...Yeah, I was
THAT mad! I only have two fucking pairs of pants now! Ergh!
I was trying to get up from my air mattress when... SCCHRRRRRIP!!! Tore
my flaming crotch right open (No, it wasn't literally flaming)! I was
thinking about trying to sew it back together, but then thought that might
even be more ridiculous-looking than the hole itself. S'not that I
have anything against hole-ridden, worn-out clothing... In fact, every
item in my entire wardrobe, well... No... My OTHER pair of pants is new...
But every OTHER item is at least... Oh.... Three years old. Some
older. The pants I'm wearing now are four years old, but in remarkable
shape (I didn't wear them for a long time, they're a bit too long). The
"vest" that I'm now wearing used to be a long-sleeved overshirt that I wore
like a jacket (I'm prone to such things). The sleeves had huuuge holes
in them, though. I didn't really mind, and in fact, I wore them like
that for a long while (Like a raggedy, "fresh from the grave" zombie look).
Til one day it got -too- raggedy and strands of my "jacket" would
dangle into the dirty sink that I just spit toothpaste into. So I
just ripped the sleeves off, leaving only a little bit on the shoulder.
Looks pretty 'core if you ask me... Same zombie look, no more
staph infections! }=-D
Oh, and before you ask (Hahaha... Oooh, I kill me!),
no I didn't cut myself tonight. Nor do I plan to. Though I definitely
though of it... ACTUALLY... I thought of continuing on with
the whole "X" motif and covering my entire forearm with Xs. Just thought
it'd look disturbingly sexy... Or I even thought of attempting to
do some sort of "picture" on my other arm. But I reasoned that this
would be too hard to do with a kitchen knife, and that I would need a razor.
...Man, I'm psychotic... Too talk about cutting oneself because
you are depressed is ONE thing... But to cut yourself because you
ENJOY it... Ehhhh... *does the "koo-koo" geture and points at himself*.
But I've stopped... Because I don't think anyone in the family
would believe me if I told them "But it's fun and sexshay!"... I doubt
they'd WANT to believe me...
I keep checking my email... It's the most
depressing experience of my insignifigant day. There's always a
couple messages in there... And my heart does a little leap (I say
little because my brain threatens to forcibly rip it's own nerves leading
to the heart out if it doesn't settle down)... But it's invariably
something about penis pills or celebrity pornstars (Hmm... I wonder
if they're single...?). I somehow always manage to get upset by
this.
I've decided I really did care about everyone...
But it doesn't change the fact that I was using them. Or that
I turned on them. Or that I would do it again... But I do care
for them... And I do already miss them like I've had a limb removed.
I've heard about how amputees can still feel a "phantom limb"... I
think I can identify with this. I'm always constantly thinking things
like, "Oh, Huw has -got- to hear about this!", only to realize, oops, Huw
is not there. Then I run around screaming, "MY GAWD I CAN'T FEEL
MY LEGS!" only I don't really do that I just sit here and mope. Well
hey, at least I'm good at -something-.
Hmm... Some poor slut who doesn't know who
her baby's daddy is on the tele (Hmm... I wonder if she's single...?). Maybe
this is why I keep having dreams of catacalysms...
Tornadoes keep invading my dreams... It's...
Kinda scary, actually. I can't go ANYWHERE in my own dreams
these days without a tornado popping down and wreaking havoc! What's
scary about it is that immediately after, there is a new report of a tornado(es)
on the news. It's getting to be slightly more than eerie. The
last one I had, my sister was talking about how her friend had a butt-crack
the size of the grand canyon (*roflmao*), and then suddenly, BIP! I
was in the Grand Canyon. This would have been nice if a GODDAMN TORNADO
did not fall out of the sky and start to Hoover up America's Ass Crack!
...This isn't even physically possible, as far as I know... But
there it was. I woke up that evening (Yep, got my sleeping hours swung
back into nocturnal mode. Vampirism 'n' wot) and read that another series
of tornadoes had raped the mid-west again. S'just... Too eerie...
Well, I suppose that does it for now... Ugh...
I really feel like getting back on that MUD and apologizing to Huw
and Nyssa's friends for being such an asshole. Then I'd let them take
turns brutally raping me with a yule log... But then they'd prolly catch
on that I was liking it and get mad at me again... Anyway! It's
out of the question, as that would mean me breaking my oath... And the
second I do that, the shit will hit the tornado.
Tuesday, May 20 2:19 am
No emails... Ha... Who am I fucking
kidding? Am I really THAT fucking conceited?! What am I expecting?
I mean, honestly! "Oh please come back, we miss you!"??? I'm
a fucking joke. -I- am the one who chose to run away. The burden
is on -my- shoulders if I want to communicate with anyone again... But...
I can't do that. Though it's all I think about every day. All
I think about wherever I go. I can't even escape it in my sleep...
Though I desire it so fiercely... It is an utterly selfish desire.
It wouldn't be right...
My cat is ill... She's going bald from the
tail up and has scabs all over her neck. I did some research and
I think it may be that she has become intolerant to a protein(s) in her
diet... Which makes sense, because she has always had slight nutritional
problems. She's always had a coat of fur that was in a shabby state
and she shedded quite too often. The fact that she was poisoned in
the past, and that she has recently had a terrible flea problem have probably
only compounded the issue. I don't know what to do about it... This
is one of the many drawbacks of being a lifeless loser... I have no
money to take care of my needs. I won't be able to take her home with
me, because a pet must pass a health inspection or some such before boarding
a plane... I think I'm going to lose her...
My brother-in-law has been quite withdrawn from me
as of late... I think he is in the process of detachment. I
should like to think we became good friends in this time. I guess
this is just the way he handles these sorts of issues.
I went and saw The Matrix: Reloaded... I was thoroughly
incapable of enjoying myself because I was thinking of Huw, Nyssa, Brady
and Audrey the entire time ("Huw would agree with me that this movie is pants,
I think" "Hey, she sorta vaguely kinda looks like Nyssa... Well,
okay... Not really... Um..." "I wonder what Brady would think about
all the anime rip-offs in this movie?" "That girl is cute. Like
Audrey... D'oh! *punch self* Sister: "What the hell are you
doing?!" "...Spasm. Completely involuntary, I swear!") .
But that's no surprise, is it? Even when I'm not thinking of
them, I'm thinking of Madisen. And when I'm not thinking of her, I'm
thinking of my other siblings. And when I'm not thinking of them,
I'm thinking about the misery of going back to Utah. And when I'm
not thinking about that, I'm most likely fantasizing about flaying myself
alive.
I really am going to spruce this shit hole up, I
really am... I just need to learn how to do frames... And...
I'm just so lazy... I was actually thinking of moving everything
onto a Blogger site... But then I vomited my skeleton at that thought.
Trust me... It's more painful than it sounds.
People say I pity myself much too much... The
thing that they don't understand is that I don't always pity myself. Many
times, I have used self-pity as a mask for my animosity towards others.
I believe what I did to Nyssa is quite the example of this. It's
a habit I didn't even know I truly had until maybe three years ago. It
works so subtly on me, however, that even though I know it's there I don't
recognize it until it's had a chance to cause damage. When people say
I am being too critical of myself, they don't understand that I am fighting
fiercely to keep myself in check. To keep myself from doing something
else completely stupid. Sometimes, (though admittedly, it is not the
norm) I even feel better about myself after a harsh self-berating (masochist,
remember?). I felt a particular poigniant sense of pride when I exercised
the self-control needed to stop myself from escalating a situation with Audrey.
Leave it to me to fuck up something I did right. *throws his
"Yay! You Finally Kept Your Selfish Emotions in Check and Did Something
Fucking Rational for Once in Your Fucking Stupid Life You Shitbrained Stupid
Fucking Prick" Super Shiny Trophy out the window*
Speaking of Audrey, who is so cute that I want to
chew her head off (it's an orc thing), she was in my dream last night...
OH STOP!!! It wasn't one of THOSE dreams! ...*coughunfortunatelycough*
Well, she wasn't so much -IN- the dream as I -thought- she was...
Er... Or... Yeah... Well, you see, I was chatting it up with her online,
and somehow (My supah 1337 h4x0r sk1||z?) I found out that she was jacking
into the matrix from a library in Utah. Oh yeah, I was in Utah in the
dream. Never mind the facts that A) I am NOT in Utah - And B) Audrey
Sure as Hell Ain't Either. *shrug* Anyway, I thought I'd surprise
her by showing up at the library unannounced (I TOLD you I'm a fucking stalker!!!!!!!).
I of course didn't think she would question my sudden absence, nor
did I question the fact that I managed to get to the library in under 3
seconds... I hate dreams. Anyway! As soon as I walk in
the doors, there are dozens of red-headed girls everywhere... Only
one was sitting at a computer, so I thought "Oh! There she is!" This
girl turned around and looked at me, but I couldn't see her face clearly
(this is the ONLY thing that made sense, because I actually wouldn't be
able to without my glasses). So I was staring at this girl all squinty,
and for some reason *laff* this frightened her. She seemed uneasy
as I approached, but when I got close enough, I saw that it wasn't her.
Yet another poor innocent girl I've managed to scare witless for no
good reason, eh? Well, at this one wasn't real. So I go shuffling
through the library, searching in vain for her. I run into some BEHEMOTH
of a girl who apparently didn't like the way I looked and threatened repeatedly
to beat me up. Being the chivalrous gentleman that I am (Oh HAHAHAHA!
HAAAAA! HA HA - *coughcoughcough* Hoooooo HAAAA hahahahahahahHAAA!
Oh, I fucking kill me... No, really, I should), I declined
to engage the 8ft. tall giant woman in battle. Instead I duly pointed
out to her that I could likely take any punishment her mammoth hands could
mete out upon me. And not only that, I would probably enjoy it. She
got all blustery and approached me to debate the matter with her fists and
I simply pulled up my sleeves to show her my ghastly slash wounds (which
are now infected... Great). That settled the matter, and she sat back
down and I smiled and simply said, "I win." ......Did I forget to mention
I HAAATE dreams? Anyway, it was at this moment that the library was
closing, and everyone was leaving. Not having found Audrey yet, I got
desperate and ran into the middle of the library and yelled, "IS THERE ANYONE
NAMED AUDREY IN THIS LIBRARY?!?!" Subtle, yes? Suddenly to my
right, I hear a soft, "M-Me...." I turn and see a little girl, maybe
10 years old, with blond hair and big glasses. She had her hand meekly
raised and she generally looked completely terrified that this vaguely-humanlike
orc-monster thing would want her for anything. Exasperated, I sighed
and waved her off. I went home and found that Audrey was still online...
It was at this point that I started to wake up, so it got kinda fuzzy...
But I think she said something to the effect of, "You just missed
me! lol! ^-^" .........I DID mention I HATE dreams, right? Kay...
Because I do! I really... really.... do.
Wednesday, May 21 3:54 am
Well, I -was- going to frame this shit up...
I looked through a frames tutorial but I decided I didn't have the
stamina to do it (I don't have the stamina to do a lot of things... OH
SNAP!). Anyway, it doesn't matter. Maybe I will... Prolly won't...
No one cares.
Oh right... Changed the index page. It's
"Boys Don't Cry" by The Cure if you were wondering. Thought it captured
just about exactly how I've been feeling. That I've fucked up, can't
fix it, and now I have to go on and pretend like it doesn't matter. I wonder
what my family would think if I told them all about this stuff? They
wouldn't want to know... That was made pretty clear to me by the
way I was treated after my affair with Jen. I mean, I wasn't looked
down upon or anything... I was just kinda... Avoided. No
one asked me ANYTHING other than my sister. I lied to her about what
happened and she had to have known it was a lie... But she seemed
entirely content with my yarn. It's strange... I would think
that my family would know me better than anyone in this world. But...
As I've gotten older... They know so little about who I am now.
I've hidden it pretty well... Well, essentially, anyway. I
mean, they know that SOMETHING is going on, they just have no idea what.
It's better that way... People who do get an idea of what is
wrong with me tend to run away screaming.
I talked to Madisen again, briefly. I try to
avoid talking to her because it's too hard to say goodbye to her. Before
everyone left, we had some photos taken of her and Gage. They just
came back the other day. She's so adorable. I really need to
get a scanner or something and replace the shoddy picture I have of her now.
I am beginning to feel sharp pangs of lonliness...
How long has it been? I can't even say... My days have
resumed their tendency to slip by and bleed into one another... I stop
keeping track of days when I have nothing to look forward to on the next
one. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I move back to Utah...
In my mind... When I board that plane... That's it. That
seals it... Fly away from this state. Fly away from my problems.
Fly away from my friends... There is a hole in me that feels
like it gets deeper everytime I think about this. I am supposedly moving
next Wednesday, now... I feel like I'm panicking now, thinking about
it. Thinking about my friends. I don't want to end it... I
love them... I do, don't I? Or do I? I don't know... I
thought I did before... But I'm only out to use them. That is
what I must remember. That is what is going to keep me from breaking.
The thought that I only want to talk to them again so I can use them.
But I miss them so much... It's so hard. It's becoming
unbearable. I hate sitting here in the dead of night, alone... But
if I only want to talk to them to take this feeling away, then I am selfish.
I can't do it...
Thursday, May 22 2:34 am
Okay... I am becoming increasingly convinced
that Audrey found out what I was about, either from catching wind from someone
else, or most likely, visiting my site again after I asked her a bunch of
strange questions about it. Why I didn't think she would do this...
I don't know. I'm a fucking retard, I guess. Whatever the case,
I believe she might have opted to avoid me after finding this out. In
the worst case, she was completely freaked out that yet another psycho had
taken an interest in her. In the BEST case she decided that she didn't
want to get into a complicated situation that in the end would never go anywhere
because we live too far apart (I -did- say that it would be too ironic -not-
to be the case, right?). Though if we were to be involved, I know
I could save up the money to either go down there or have her come down
to wherever I was... If only for a visit... But that's just my
childish fucking fantasizing. I tried a childish fantasy out once before
and it very suddenly became very adult and harmful for all involved... Anyway...
I can't really say anything, and I am just pulling theories out of
my ass, as it were. Not that I'll know any different, but hey...
I'd like to take a moment to point out that I really
can't be blamed for crushing on this girl. I -can- be blamed for letting
that control me, but allow me to outline for you (by you, we already know,
of course, I mean no one) some of the reasons that Audrey drives me out-of-my-skull
bonkers.
She is brilliant.
She is talented.
She is warm and charming.
She is so cute that it incites my destructive orcish impulse to squash her cuteness.
She has red hair. (Okay, it's not naturally red, but still)
She has piercings. *bites lip, then bites tongue too*
She is compassionate.
She is going to go far in life.
She can give me pointers on self-mutilation. }x-]
SHE LIKES TO DRESS UP AND ACT LIKE A CAT (OMG!!! YOU CRUEL CRUEL CRUEL..... .AUUUUUGH!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU ANGUISH ME AND MY CATGIRL FETISH?!?!?!)
*cough*
"Just like a rainbow, you know you set me free! And
I just can't get enough, just can't get enough!" Sorry... S'what I'm
listening to right now. A dance remix of the Depeche Mode song "Just
Can't Get Enough"....... Oh fuck, I'm gay.
Aaaanyway... So you SEE?! I couldn't RESIST!
I'm surprised I held out as long as I did in the first place! I'm
surprised I haven't actually started writing her horrible "poetry" and declaring
my obsessive, undying, stalker love for her by now. Wow. *almost
starts to feel proud of himself, then quickly remembers the situation he
is now in* ...Oh yeah. Fuck.
I'm attempting to paint this all in a humorous light,
yes... It's the only way I think I can deal with it. Well, it
isn't the only way... I can do what I usually do... The "Three Bs"
- Bitch, Bemoan and Blame (others and/or myself). In fact, I probably
-will- be doing that... But I'm also trying to laugh at the situation.
I mean... It is funny... Kinda..... Like how being burned
alive is funny. Oh wait, that's not funny at all. ...I promise
I'll work on it.
What all of this neurotic rambling is about is the
fact that I am now officially in the "Let's Just Bury This Whole Thing so
Deep That I Can Forget It Then Pour Cement In the Hole so It Can't Rise
as a Killer Zombie and Ruin My Life and the Lives of Those Around Me Yet
Again" phase of things. Which is remarkably similiar to that "Getting
Over It" thing, aside from the fact that it doesn't work. }:-|
I may be moving as soon as this Saturday... I
dunno. I'm the one moving and yet I'll be the last one to actually
know exactly when. The thought that I'll be gone that soon... Panics
me. I've been feeling a very strong compulsion to reneg on my vow of
internet silence... I feel so lonely and I long for contact so intensely
that I literally feel like my throat is being contricted. Like my
lungs aren't working. Like I have sharp objects embedded in my chest.
It's strange though... Because despite these discomforts, I am
feeling mentally detached... My emotions are roiling, to be sure, but
my mind is telling me that this would be the worst possible state to be in
to talk to anyone. That I would only end up doing something irrational
and stupid again. That notion causes me the greatest of discomfort.
Anyway, I updated my FAQ a bit. Included a picture of myself... Just thought I'd warn you. Wouldn't want you to scream and rip your now blistering eyeballs out of their sockets without fair warning (and legal disclaimer!). Haven't done anything with the bio... But I probably will... Later... Maybe... Whatever.
Friday, May 23 4:13 am
I've uncluttered things a little bit. Put
the links to my past entries in a table... How 1337 is that? ...Bleh.
Whilst going through my past entries, I noticed that a number of them
had vanished off the face of the web. Thanks, Geoshitties! I'm
going to arrange my other stuph a bit too... Nothing fancy (obviously),
just making it a little more organized.
When I woke up tonight (around 2 am), I just kind of
lied there in the dark... Thinking about things. Mostly I was
thinking about Utah, and some of the places there that I actually miss. There
are some truly beautiful things to see in Utah. You take the backdrop
of the immense Rocky Mountains for granted if you haven't lived somewhere
without 'em. There are many places tucked away in those mountains
that are breathtaking beyond belief. Then you go from majestic mountains
to utterly desolate, yet peaceful, wastelands in the Great Basin Desert.
I believe I've mentioned the "Post Apocalyptic Warzone" more than once.
}x-] Strawberry Lake, a place I've visited off and on throughout my
entire life. A beautiful lake on top of a mountain, completely carpeted
with wildflowers. Then in the cities there are many beautiful parks.
The greatest of those being Liberty Park. A place I've spent many a
lonely, mournful moment in. Then I got to thinking about how whenever
I would go to any of these places, that I couldn't fully enjoy the experience...
Because I was alone. And then I thought about Audrey... ......And
then I kicked myself in the face (which is very hard to do when one is lying
down!).
Well, I suppose I'll leave it at that lament. Here's
to another day of lonely angst! Huzzah! I really wish I could
just put myself in stasis until I move (which will be next Wednesday for
sure... I think... Yeah).
Saturday, May 24 4:38 am
Song playing: "The Love Cats" by The Cure
"We're so wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully
Wonderfully pretty!
Oh you know that I'd do anything for you...
We should have each other to tea huh?
We should have each other with cream
Then curl up by the fire
And sleep for awhile
It's the grooviest thing
It's the perfect dream"
Heh, this song is so cute... *sings* We
missss you hissss... Love cats! *does claw motions* Oh,
that brings back memories of my clubbin' days... }x-]
Well, it's official now... Finally... Going to
be taking a 7:15 pm flight out of this hole on Wedneday... They were
originally trying to get me a ticket on TUESDAY! Freakin' hell... DAY
AFTER MEMORIAL DAY!!!! HULLO?!?!?! ...Anyway.
I've come to a (stupid) decision... I really can't
take this not knowing stuff... It's driving me nuts more than anything.
Soooo... I'm going to finally silence that stupid little kernel
of hope that's hiding in some dark nether region of my soul, futilely attempting
to make me think this could turn out any other way than horrid. But...
I'm rambling again... I'm talking about Audrey, of course. I'm
going to send her one last email... I know I KNOW!!! I'm BREAKING
THE RULES! And when orky break da roolz tings go boom. I know,
I know, I KNOW, I SAID I KNOW, alright?! I know that this will only
end up putting the 153rd nail in my coffin. But maybe that's the last
nail I'll need to keep my braindead inner vampire from arising again and running
amok? ....Hmm... Mebbe I better -weld- my coffin shut... Then
pour cement over it...... And put it in a rocket to the sun...? Anyway...
Maybe my last email got mail munched? This is entirely possible,
it's happened to me before, if you can recall. Maybe she accidentally
deleted it? Maybe I have green skin and protruding tusks. I at
least just want to know that she is okay. In any case, it can't hurt
to try!!!!...... Oh wait... It -ALWAYS- hurts to try. I really
need to remember to stop mixing that one up... Well, if I don't get
a reply to this one... Or if she returns a photocopy of her restraining
order... Then I'll know I was right. Then I can jump out of my
plane when it hits max altitude. W00t.
Oh, right... Changed the index page again. The
lyrics are "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails... I thought it captured my emotions
even better. And the art is NOT mine. I wish. I would use
my own art if I had something to scan it with, but I don't. Anyway,
the art is courtesy... Uhhheerrr... Some person at Elfwood.
I might leave emails for everyone, actually... ....Well...
I don't know... Was thinking I was going to leave a note saying
that I was moving, that I wouldn't be around for a while *coughforevercough*...
But I'm already going to break the rule once... What damage would
come of breaking it even more? Answer: Lots.
Oh yeah, speaking of "Hurt", I have the Johnny Cash version.
It's much more emotional, in my opinion... It's hard for me to
listen to it, really... I tear up every time because it makes me think
of Huw. The concept of never talking to him again is... Well,
no matter how much I try to describe it, the words always fail. It just
makes me feel like I have a great big hole in my being, a hole that is painfully
frayed at it's edges. I can't speak of it anymore...
Monday, May 26, 9:07 pm
Song Playing: "People
are Strange" by The Doors
...And I won't. When I broke the rule
to remain incommunicado with Audrey, I didn't think it was fair to limit
myself to talking to her... So now I'm talking to Huw, Nyssa, and Brady
again. As if you wouldn't have guessed. Though it is of great
relief to myself... I missed them so terribly... I can't help
but feel disappointed in myself. I started talking to everyone to fill
that hole within me. Selfish... I have to guard very carefully
against making another mistake...
As to Audrey, I left her an email as said. It was
fairly melancholy and desperate, but I couldn't help it, really... I
even included phrases like, "Eternal Farewell" in Latin... Ugh....
... ....... I'm such a melodramatic 'tard. I hope she doesn't
know any Latin. Or know any friends who know Latin. Or know that
there are online Latin-English dictionaries... Christ, I'm a lunatic.
Anyway, I was surprised to get a reply from her. Surprised, and
now confused. I don't know where to go from here. I want to talk
to her very badly, but I do not think I will get the chance to do so before
I move... After that, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can
keep in touch with her (and everyone else) via email, I suppose. I
don't know... I'm getting the feeling that she would not want for me
to be interested in her like this. That it might even upset her. I
think she really likes me as a friend... But... Beyond that...
Well, like I said long ago... I'm afraid I don't think I am her
type. It's not really that I know what her type is, it's just that
I am pretty much no girl's type. I'm not saying that out of self-loathing...
Just... In a very real and practical sense. Like Nyssa
told me, one of the big things girls go for is confidence. Makes 'em
think that a guy is in charge and strong. I'm just not confident around
girls. Never will be. It is BEYOND MY NATURE to be so. I
wouldn't even want to change it because it's part of who I am. I'd
rather be myself (however poor and sad that might be) and alone if it comes
down to it (And it has). Girls go for guys who have ambitions. I
have NO ambitions, dreams, maybe... But I have no intent on action
on them at this point in my life. Biologically, I have a couple strong
points (broad shoulders, square jaw) that a girl might find attractive, but
they are FAAARRR outweighed (literally! Har har!) by my weaknesses
(Somewhat short, fat as a balloon of lard, ghoulishly pale skin [okay, some
girls are into pale skin, but not very many]). As if all that weren't
bad enough, I have a small penis. *sigh* Audrey deserves a caring,
stable, ambitious, attractive guy who LIVES WITHIN AT LEAST A FEW HUNDRED
MILES MAYBE!!!! For fuck's sakes! *sigh* If I could just
roll her into a ball, and squish her so hard that her head pops off, if only
once, I would be the happiest guy EVAR!!1!1!11ONE!!! 'Course she prolly
wouldn't be very happy... Her head being popped off by some ugly pigman-thing...
Shows how selfish I am. I don't know, I don't want to type about
it anymore.... I just keep thinking about her pretty eyes and how
I wanna squish them out. }=-|
Oh yeah, I'm posting this entry a day after when I actually
wrote it. I don't know how much time I'll have tomorrow, so I decided
to do this ahead of time.
About the move... I'm pretty stressed about it...
I don't know if I'm going to see my sister again... She and I
are very close. She knows more about me than any of my other familty
members... Combined. She's the only one I trust to tell anything to...
And that's not too much, really... I don't tell her most things.
It's not that I don't trust her... It's that I don't think she'd
particularly want to know. I'm going to miss her horribly... It
was VERY hard leaving her in Utah when I came here... And now I'm leaving
her here where she has no family and no friends. I'm very concerned
about her well-being... I really hope she gets out and does something
for herself. I don't like how Giuseppe (her husband) keeps her cooped
up in the house and alone. He has some serious trust issues...
Anyway, I'm getting very tired and incoherent... I
have a coupla things I oughtta do before I go to bed and have dreams about
people who I practically worship but will never see in person....... *sigh*
Well, Lousiana... That does it. Have a nice life. And with your amazing rate of your land erosion, it'll be a short one. No really... With the marshlands disappearing like they are, the city of New Orleans will sink into the Gulf of Mexico within the next 20 - 30 years. It's amazing to think of it, really... The first day I set foot in this place, I remember the word "DEATH" creeping into my mind, and I didn't understand what it meant. And to see the city and it's environs themselves, it's people... Everything is in a literal state of decay. A land in it's death throes....
Adieu, Lousiana, Adieu.
