Thursday, November 4th, 1999, 7:33pm
Well,
I have a pounding headache... I feel like my head is going to implode.
I think it's because my "friend" Dave just stopped by. He wanted
to show off his prize to me... Apparently, a friend of his gave him
some drugs to sell. In fact, he gave him 100 hits (I hear 100 hits
is referred to as a "book".) of high grade ecstasy, this type of ecstasy
coined as a "UFO". Now, for those of you unaquainted as to what ecstasy
is, well, it's a neurological drug that can have many different effects,
including mild hallucinations, and putting you in a perky (bleh) mindset,
but it's main and most popular effect gives you a tingling feeling all
over your body, making any touch seem insanely pleasurable. Yeah...
But anyways, this shit sells for about $20 - $30 on average ($15 if you're
lucky, or I've heard up to $60 for some particular types of the drug.).
So he is effectively carrying around $3000 of drugs in this little cardboard
box... What does he get for selling it? Money? No...
He gets to keep 10 of the capsules (that's how it's usually taken.) for
himself. He told me, "This is like, the best thing that has ever
happened to me in my entire life." Is it just me... Or does
that statement strike you as terrifyingly sad? The best thing that's
ever happened to him is ten little capsules filled with powder? Normally,
I try to get him to kick his habit, but I'm so tired of his bullshit, that
I don't even really want to bother with him anymore. He's already
backstabbed me on a daily basis, why should I even try to help him at all?
You may be asking, "Well,
why do you have friends like that? Why don't you go out and meet
some new friends?". Well... I tried that. I ended up getting
really hurt in the process. From being totally blown off to being
accused of being a "demon" (No really, I shit you not.). Most of
it was my own fault. I was so afraid, I didn't know what to say do
or think... You're probably saying that I should have just been myself...
Yeah, well I did actually, and that was the whole problem. You see,
I am very reclusive. Abnormally so, and I rarely ever express what
I'm feeling to anyone... But when anyone shows the slightest interest
in what I am feeling, my emotions just tend to explode out, having been
bottled up so long... Needless to say, I tend to alienate people.
When I say things like, "Everytime I wake up in the morning, it feels like
another piece of me has died", people tend to think I am just being melodramatic
or wallowing in self-pity... That's what they say about kids who
eventually commit suicide or shoot up schools or some other such nonsense.
I'm not saying that I'll do any of those things, but I am saying that I'm
not getting any better. People tell me that I need to help myself,
on my own, and not rely on other people. Well, that's what I've been
doing for as long as I can remember, and I have to admit it, I can't handle
this by myself anymore. I need someone to listen to me... Sure,
I guess I could go to a shrink or something... But I need someone
who cares, I need a friend. It might sound like I just want someone
to dump on, but that isn't true. If you are considered a friend to
me, I would give my life for you at the drop of a hat, I'd be there for
whatever you needed. It's nothing unusual, "that's what friends are
for", as the saying goes. By now you must think I am full of shit...
Well, that comes as no surprise to me, nearly everyone thinks that...
I just wish they could really know how I felt... But why bother?
The point is moot, no one ever will. It seems as if I am doomed by
fate in this matter... Yeah, pessimistic and cynical, but that's
me, pessimistic and cyncical. I have learned over the years to never
hold on to hope, you only get hurt... Which is very hypocritical
of me... Despite what I might say, there is a deep-rooted seed of
hope buried in my heart that just doesn't seem to want to go away...
Anyways... This is way
too much for a first entry... I'll update every few days or so...
Or not... Whatever, I guess.
- Draconis -
(Oh, by the way, if anyone should want to contact me for some strange reason beyond my comprehension, [email protected] is the addy to send your stuff to. Uh, yeah.)
Tuesday, November 23, 1999, 9:18pm
Been
a little while between updates... But I'm just a lazy ass.
I just got off the phone, hassling some girl my cousin wants to get with....
*snicker* Anyways, everything is shitty, so... Yeah. Here's
a little thing I wrote a few nights back in the wee hours of the morn (Around
4am).
~DEADLY REFLECTIONS~
I sat alone that night, hoping
that somehow, someway, I could
escape this oubliette.
Then She was there. A shade.
"What do you think you are doing here?" She asked me.
"Do you think you can leave this poisoned
orifice?" She
hissed at me through Her black
fangs.
"Please... Let me go." I pleaded.
Her eyes lit up
with satisfaction.
"Do you wish to touch
me?" She asked me.
"No... No! Please! Stay away from me!" Frantically, I
searched for cover, but I suddenly found myself ensnared by
dark tentacles
that stole the will from my arms and legs.
She stepped from the shadows
to face me.
"Touch me... Embrace me." She coos.
Tears roll down my cheeks. All I can do is cry in fear. I
knew I was going to die.
"You'll see, I will touch you, and you will see. You will
learn." Saying this, she slid her hand into mine. It was cold,
and smooth,
like the shell of a chitonous insect.
Not being able to bear it anymore, I closed my eyes, upon
which she said to me, "Open your eyes child, and gaze upon me."
I tried with all my might... I squeezed shut my eyes as
best as I could, for I feared for what I would see... Feared to
gaze into her yellow,
slitted eyes. Feared the fang filled and
sinister grin.
"Open your eyes, and see the truth." Her words rooted
themselves in my soul.
Still feeling her icy cold and inhumanly smooth hand on
mine, I opened my eyes.
My hand was pressed against the smooth glass of a mirror,
and the eyes I gazed into were my own...
- Draconis -
Friday, November 26, 1999
Well, Happy Thanksgiving or something..... Yeah I know it's too late, but whatever. Thanksgiving was a bust this year. But that's how I predicted it anyways. *shrug* I remember back about 5 years, that's when -everyone- in the family would gather at my Grandma's, and we'd all sit around a bunch of long tables and everyone would bring a thing or two. Times were good back then... Then it quickly started to dwindle, as I knew it would. Soon, there was no more big banquet style feast, but a buffet style thing, everyone just grabbed their grub, ate, then left. That's how it went until this year, everyone did their own thing... There was no family gathering. I wasn't depressed about it, really, seeings how my family turned their back on me for the most part... But just the fact that a family can deteriorate so rapidly in this world, is a fact that is saddening in itself. Anyways, as for updates.... My guestbook still doesn't work because of Geosmeggies. And I've uploaded a page containing of bunch more of the embarrassingly horrible poetry I write... So enjoy yerself or something, awright? }=-]
Sunday, November 28, 1999
Wow, last
night was surely a night to keep in the ol' archive. It was the last
night for my favorite club, Club Confetti, to be open. The turnout
in itself was enough to distinguish this night from others.
It was so packed that I found it next to impossible to dance on any of
the platforms, and to dance on the floor was quite insane, seeings how
it would have been easier to rollerblade on banana peels... The floor
was that slick. However, with a little agility, skill, and a dash
of luck, one could convert this negative into a positive. The slick
floors enabled me to slide across to floors doing twirli-bouts and what
not with remarkable ease... Eh. Anyways, I ran into an aquaintance
there. This was an anticipated reunion and one of the main reasons
I went... It's a long story, really, but to sum it up, it's something
to the effect of; Me telling girl how I felt (No, not like I had a crush
on her or something like that, but this was more of a matter of tryinig
to explain my social disability.) Me getting shot down by absolutely no
response ('Course, I told her I would understand if she didn't reply...
I guess I do understand, really... But that doesn't take away the
pain.), now insert a couple of months of silence, then I finally saw her,
and when she looked at me... Nothing. Like I was a total stranger...
No dirty looks, no verbal or physical abuse... Nothing. She
could have done anything to me, and it wouldn't have hurt as much as that
did. When this happened, my first response was anger...
So, after the song ended,
I left to find a place to lurk and sulk in the shadows, unfortunately,
there was nowhere to sit that wasn't taken... However, after a little
bit of me wandering around, acting like a lunatic, someone vacated their
chair. I immediately approriated that seat. It was in the spot
that I have always frequented, towards the back of the room on a small
balcony platform. Soon, everyone on that platform left, and that's
right about when my anger consumed me. I was going nuts, in my one-man
mosh fit (Last time I did this, I broke my hand punching a metal-plated
wall...*sigh*), and in the process, I ended up breaking a chair, a stool,
and I shoved a table through some guard cables... *chortle*
You think that's bad, well, you should've seen the madness that other people
commited themselves to. Some guy tore a big light fixture out of
the wall that was attached to a long 2 inch thick cable, this guy I know
ripped a sign off the wall, my sister broke an ashtray, and the bathrooms
were something definitely -not- to be missed! Shards or mirror glass
strewn about, toilet paper lying haphazardly about the area, entire stalls
concaved, all the lights busted out so as to cast darkness upon the whole
scene.... Carnage, I think, would be the best word to describe it...
A bunch of bumper stickers
with the club's name on them begain raining down to the floor at one point,
I sauntered down and picked up a few dozen and mummified myself with the
stickers, putting them all over my body and half of my face... I
don't know, I had just totally lost all my sense, I guess...
When I got home, I wandered
over to the neighbor's house to rob them of their alcohol.
After about three beers, I kept ranting on and on about all the times I've
been totally blown off. I was just randomly spouting off things about
tea parties and shortbread bat-cookies, and generally scaring the daylights
out of everyone in the house. They were all too busy arguing about
physics to really pay too much attention to me though... If memory
serves correctly, it was something about gravity really just being "alien
forces" pushing things to the ground, and that aliens were just messing
with us... I dunno, I just get yelling at them,"IDGAF! IDGAF!"
Or, in others words, (I) (D)on't (G)ive (A) (F)uck. So, by the
time I finished off three cans and a bottle, it was 5am. And after
I made the suggestion to one guy to coat his brother's crotch in liquid
latex while he was sleeping, I went home. Here, I just kinda...
I dunno, I did something til 6am, I remember mudding, or -trying- to mud,
but I couldn't type straight, and it was rather embarassing, so I quit,
and ate a couple of dinner rolls while watching an infomercial, and then
fell asleep... Ta da.
Oh yeah, remember my
"friend" with all the drugs... *snicker* Turns out they were all
fake. Hehehe.... Later.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
All works, including artwork and
writing are copyright Jed J. Casper (Draconis) and may not be used unless
expressed permission is given to do so. (c) 1999