-July 2002-

   Monday, July 01 9:25 am

        Well, here's where I'd normally update by telling you all the goings on between now and the last entry...   Of which there's been a significant hiatus.  Yeah, well... Nothing much has changed.  I'm still currently in Louisiana... Not knowing what the hell I'm to do, or where the hell I'll be...  The whole family is back, Cassy and DC included.  So far there's been no reason for my pessimistic alarm...  But time will tell, yes?

        I guess I've been using all this time to reflect, really...  Even more than usual... If... That's at all possible.  Been thinking about a lot of things...  My family.  My brothers and sisters...  I'm so afraid for them, and so angry with them as well.   My sick "father" has been threatening to start drugs again because he's just so fucking depressed.  Like he ever stopped.  Give me a break.  Any chance that bastard gets to center attention on himelf, I swear...  The girls in my life.  Jen... God, Jen...  I did her so wrong.  I want so bad to apologize to her, but anything I could possibly say would just be insulting.  I was so wrapped up in my own stupidity that I thought it was her that was making me angry... That it was her that wronged me.  *sigh*  Girl had no idea of what she was getting herself into...  Jen, if you ever read this...  I'm sorry.  Really, I am.  I'm a fucking moron for what I did and especially for the things I said...  And the things I didn't, that I should've.  I hope you're doing really well in your marriage right now.  Magen...  My first love.  I've been thinking about her as well.  Heh...  And not with the usual angst and bitterness we're all so used to.  I've wallowed in the bad moments for so long now that they've just lost all their emotional effect on me.  The good times, though...  Those will never fade.  Never.  I miss those days so much.  I miss her....  Though I have no idea what kind of person she is anymore.  I hope she is doing okay too.  Aubrey...  Haha...  I had a crush on my sister's friend at one time.  A small crush, but there anyway.  Not that she deserved any of that attention, she took every opportunity to insult me that was available, and then some.  Still... I wouldn't ever wish the fate on her of which she now suffers.  My sister's husband told me that she's putting out for meth...  She used to go around lying about how "hardcore" she was... Well...  I guess she got what she wanted...  For whatever that's worth to her now...  Audrey...  I still wince whenever I think about her.  Because everytime I think about her, I immediately want to reneg on my personal oath to stay away from her and track her down again.  But...  That would be...  Destructive and foolish.  I can't belive I let myself...  I don't know.  I guess I can believe it...  But...  I just shouldn't have let those feelings come to surface.  Well...  I guess I didn't, really... I mean, I stopped talking to her before I did the stupid thing of blurting out some emotional litany of love and devotion at her...  She's none the wiser... Er... Ah... Hopefully... }:-/  The World...  Man...  It's ending, I swear.  Or at least it's at the beginning of the end.  I'm no prophetic fuckcase, either.  I mean, just TAKE A FUCKING LOOK AT THE UBERFUCKING MORONS that are the leaders of the world these days...  They WILL plunge the ENTIRE WORLD into desolation in the name of their own legacies...  I can't stand it anymore.  It's like everyone has had their eyeballs sucked from their stupid skulls!  They either can't or they just don't want to see the truth of it all.  Oh well...  So the world ends.  I'm not afraid of death...  And what good are humans as a whole doing for anything anyway?  BRING ON THE NUKES I say.  Though Huw would say that it'll be some fruity particle beams or some shit...  Huw... That fucking asshole...  He has no idea how completely angry I am with him.  I don't know...  I guess my best friend is my friend no longer...  It happened so fast that it's surreal.  And I can't decide whether to feel sorrow or anger.  I guess both...  

    "UH!  d00d!  WTF?!" Is what you're saying right now.  Well... Let me explain...  One ill fated evening, I was chattering away with Huw and Nyssa just like ol' times...  When all of the sudden, Nyssa works herself into a fit of some sort or another, and starts getting all me-like and saying how she wants to die and shit.  Well, natch, I'm fucking loony.  She never says stuff like that, and it weirded me out completely.  Then she stopped talking to me, and Huw gets all moody and quiet.   This is where I began to wish I listened to that paranoid little voice in my head that was telling me NOT to talk to them tonight..  Well, finally that little voice gets to kick me and tell me, "I told you so!  OMFG!  Now the world is gonna end and all this bad shit all because you didn't listen to me and my conspiracy theories of like aliens and monsters and black holes 'n' stuph!!!!!!"  ...Anyway, you can see why I usually pay that fellow no mind.  But I digress.  Well...  Huw starts telling me that "it wouldn't be a very good idea" for me to talk to him right now.  Which had me thinking two things:  A) He's an idiot.  If  he doesn't want me to be talking to him, he should leave.  B) Something is seriously fuct.  I try to tell him that I'm scared to death about what's going on, and then he says the thing that has had me fucking BURNING to beat the living shit out of him ever since then....  He tells me that it wouldn't be a good idea for me to talk to him because I might "provoke" him and he'd do something horrible.  I figured he meant he'd start hurtling obscenities at me (though for whatever fucking reason, I didn't know), which I was prepared for...  But I wasn't prepared for what he next told me.  He said that he might get out of control and start "smashing things"....

Including Nyssa...

    Even thinking about it now...  I don't think he'll ever possibly understand how angry I am with him.  If he did, he probably would never have said it in the first place.  He WELL FUCKING SHOULDN'T have said in the first place.  REGARDLESS!  That's a line for me...  And NOT a thin one.  He crossed it...  And I don't know if I'll ever let him back across it.  The way he said it...  That -I- would be responsible for whateever he did.  But above that, threatening to hurt Nyssa...  Huw...  It made me feel so sick inside.  The moment he said it.  I mean...  It's not even like he fucking SAID it at all, is it?!  He could have stayed his hand and not clicked on the damn send button!  I don't know what he was trying to accomplish....  I just can't believe he'd ever even threaten to do something so vile...  It made me so sick.  So sick.  Instantly I recalled Katie's words... "Huw can be quite venomous".  And then I could picture her, the girl who told me I was going to hell, telling me "I told you so", then telling me to be a good Christian and come dry hump a Jesus statue with her.  GODDAMNIT HUW!  If he would have stuck around and talked things out with me... I don't know... It might've been different.  But he left and hasn't made a single fucking effort to contact me ever since.  Nor has Nyssa for that matter.  So I don't even know what the hell is going on...  Damn you, Huw...  I went to bed that night with tears, and I prayed to whatever God/Goddess/Potato/Alien might be out there that he wouldn't make good on that threat.  It would be so sickening...  He would have no right to do that...  She flew thousands of miles to be with him.  She left an entire life and family behind...  FOR THE SECOND FUCKING TIME mind you!  The first time she ended up with that prick Mitch and nearly had to prostitute herself back home.  Yet she was willing to give it another whirl... To what end?  To possibly end up with a wife-beater?  God help you Huw...  If I ever get wind that he ever layed a hand on her, you had best pray our paths never cross.  You'll be having your testicles in your throat if we do...

            I hate even typing those words...  I loved Huw...  Very deeply...  And that's what burns me inside so much.  He hasn't really done anything to me...  But I still feel betrayed.  I don't know...  I don't know whether to cry or scream anymore.  I wish everything could go back to normal, but he can't ever take back what he said.  I guess I just have to get used to it...

Monday, July 15 6:02 pm

        I redid my front page...  Put up the lyrics from "Paint It Black" by the Rolling Stones, in case you were wondering.  I cleverly hid the link to this page within the lyrics... Ha ha!  I am so smert!  No one will find it!  Even though it's the only word that's underlined...  But no bother.  I'm fairly confident no one comes here anymore anyway...  Unless by unfortunate accident.
            My days have been... Bleeding into each other.  This is not a new phenomena for me.  It's just been getting progressively worse.  It's been awhile since I last heard from Huw.  But for me, it feels like it was only yesterday.  I'm slightly less angry than I was...  Maybe.  Maybe I'm just slightly less angry right now.  I don't know.  All I can really -know- for certain is that I am just not meant to mix into the lives of other people.  Something like this is always the result.  Always.  Brady's been a good friend to me...  But I never see him anymore.  I don't know what it is, really...  Logically I think that he's busy with one task or another...  But that paranoid voice of mine says that he'd much rather avoid me.  Which is alright.  I think it's becoming apparent to him that to associate with me leads to disaster...  It's perfectly natural to want to avoid that.
            There are some happenings that I neglected to mention before.  My baby sister, Madisen, burnt her hand somewhat severely a few weeks ago.  My mother left a hot tray out that had molten candy in it...  She's had to wear bandages over her entire hand since then.  It's nearly healed now, but she was fairly traumatized by it.  I wanted to yell at my mother for being so careless...  But I didn't.
            My sister's husband, DC, is finally working.  I was worried that his job would fall through.  If he sticks to his plan, they should be living on their own fairly soon.  I'm glad for that.  I just hope he maintains a respectful attitude towards my sister.  He was quite a criminal before he met her...  Those sorts of habits are hard to shake.  He's also an admitted crack addict.  He says he has to completely stay away from it, because if he ever smokes it again, he'll never be able to stop.  I'm understandably disturbed by all these revelations...  Why he chose to reveal such things to me, I'm not certain...  I'd much rather prefer that he didn't.  I'm the sort that believes in second chances, though...  If only for the sake of my sister.
            Why not a second chance for Huw, then?  I've thought that over...  If it was just something stupid he said in a careless moment, then I think I could.  If he really did...  If he hit Nyssa....  I can't ever forsee myself forgiving him.  The point is moot, however...  My guess is that he doesn't even feel as if he's done anything wrong.  I was wrong before.  I am just as angry as ever.
            I still don't know where I'm going to be come September.  My mother seems to be waiting for someone else to make the decision for her.  She keeps telling me conflicted stories...  Myself,  I haven't finished unpacking yet.  Nor have I begun to pack anything either.  I think that statement best represents my mother's current state of mind on the matter.  My little brother...  I almost want to move back to Utah entirely for his sake alone.  He was very very attatched to his friends and his life back there.  I've gone through it before....  Always moving.  I learned at a young age to never become attatched to my friends.  With the internet, though...  One never really needs to fear these things.  I guess I let my guard down.  Always the result.
            This will be all for now.