Monday, October 02, 2000 2:03 pm
Well, I guess my "father" is moving in down the road a little ways.
It's got my mother furious. I don't particularly fancy the idea myself.
It's gotten my mother is such a tiff that she's been hissing that she'll
get child support recovery services down his throat. She says that
a lot... But, I doubt she'll ever do it. My father would only be
so glad if that were to happen anyways, he'd just skip the state/country,
and he's been working under the table mostly for the past few years anyways.
Then he could just blame it on my mom, telling the kids that she made him
go away. Yeah, well, anyways, if that weren't bad enough...
Apparently he lives in some really nice house. My little brother
told me, "Yeah, he lives in a really nice house, it's pretty big too.
He's already making a room for me, he even put a refrigerator in there!"
I asked him, "How does he afford this?" To which he said, "Well,
I dunno... Well, yeah, he has some roommates." Then everything started
to make evil sense as I quickly nodded my head, then shook it in shame
imperceptibly, "Oh... So... Who're his roommates?" He shrugged, "They
work at the movie theater, that's why we got in free tonight." Move
theater? I asked, "Ah ha... And just how old are these... roommates?"
He thought for a second, then said, "Like... 19, or 18..." I whispered
under my breath, "Fucking bastard." He continues, "I dunno, but -she-
lives upstairs..." I felt sick. He is such a pedophile, it
makes me want to vomit. I can't wait to hear his perverted stories.
"Hey JJ, there's this cute girl I live with dood!" "...Really..."
"Yeah! Dude! I snuck into the bathroom while she was taking
a shower! Dur hur hur! I told her it was an accident, but I
just really wanted to see her naked! Ah hee haa haaa *cough cough
hack* ...Hee hrrr ha." *About to puke* "...Heh..." "*whispering*
Dude... She shaves! Gyeh heh heehheheheheh eh heh ehehehe!
*COUGH COUGH HACK HACK*" *holding back the chunks* "...Heh..."
"...Anyways, she's kinda my girlfriend, but I'll share 'er with you dude!
Hee hee!" "Uh...That's alright." "I could get her to sit on
your face! Gya hahahaha ha haaa! *hack hack COUGH phlegm*"
What a sick fuck. I can't believe I even talk to him anymore... I
just feel this responsibility to respect him just for the fact that he
is my father... He doesn't deserve a shred of that respect, of course.
In fact, what he deserves is to get his cajones hacked off... Society
doesn't need anymore horny old pedophiles.
Oh yeah, it's October... Halloween. Yay. Halloween is my Christmas...
Or, at least, it used to be, before all of the joy was permasucked out
of my life. Now it's just another one of those days where I get to
watch everyone else have fun whilst I cower in a corner, whimpering pitifully
to myself... Mmm, fun. Maybe I can steal my sibling's candy though...
Mmm, candy.
Oh, before I go, I wrote another "poem"...
I Still Remember
I still remember those words I'd said
The only words that could burn my soul
The only words that could take that toll
I still remember being in your arms
Together we shut out the world
Together we explored love unfurled
I still remember the taste of your kiss
The taste of lips pressed against mine
The taste that made us forget time
I still remember your voice
My will bending to your siren song
My will not caring for right or wrong
I still remember the first time I saw you
Standing there, a smile on your face
Standing there, my heart beginning to race
I still remember the last time I saw you
My shattered illusions of you
My shattered delusions of love so true
I still remember saying I love you
You said you didn't understand, you said I lied
You said nothing at all, but you cried
I still remember you saying you love me
I said nothing at all, you lied
I didn't understand, I cried
I still remember the day you left
As I lost everything I held dear
As I lost everything to my fear
I still remember
I still remember
I still remember
I still remember... You.
Wednesday, October 04, 2000 6:17 pm
I found out that my "father"'s "roommates" are bisexual last night.
Yep... You know my "father" is quite the skilled carpenter... I bet he's
strategically drilling undetectable holes in various walls as we (we?)
speak... Welcome to the Bates Motel.
Heh... You know, people sicken me... No, really, they do. My
little sister is getting baptized into the LDS (Mormon) Church. Normally,
I wouldn't throw my two cents in about this, because I don't tell other
people how to live their lives (like Mormons do). However, it seems
to me, from an entirely legal, if not -moral- point of view, that the parent(s)
of said child should be notified of such things... What am I jabbering
about? Well, apparently, my grandparents, and the Bishop (Who is
completely and deathly afraid of me... Gyeh heh.) decided to go entirely
over the authority of my mother and made all the preparations without notifying
her... At all. My mother apparently had no idea that this whole time
her own daughter has been having clandestine meetings with the Bishop about
getting baptized. Yeah. Well, I guess they deemed not to tell
my mother, because she's the "Devil Woman". The only reason my mom
knows anything is because my little sister gave her a card saying, "I'm
getting baptized!". Cute thing, that. In my view, they are
practically daring her to say anything about it. If she does, she's
only going to look more like a "demon", and my little sister will probably
end up getting baptized anyways. I also have reason to believe that
my "father", the guy who I could probably get locked into prison for statutory
rape, is in on this. If it isn't his idea altogether, that is...
Which would explain the secrecy behind it. I don't know, the whole
thing makes me sick. If I wanted, I could probably just confront
the Bishop at his house, and tell him I'd send "The Legions of Hell" after
him if he didn't back off... But... That would just be counterproductive.
*snicker*
My other, older (16, though she tells everyone she's 18) sister lost a
chunk or two of her mind last night. I came upon her around 12:30
am last night, and she started telling how badly she wanted to.. "stab
people". She then went on about the people she'd like to stab and
describe -how- she would stab them... And while she was explaining
this to me, she was holding a knife and going through the motions... "I'd
gouge her eyes out!" "I'd carve the tattoos out of his body!" "Maybe if
stabbed him the temple... He'd die automatically!" ...Yeah.
Oh, my surrogate mother (Um... Really -really- long story folks)
has apparently saw fit to abandon me in my hour of need. I've never
asked anything from her ever, just to be there for me now. She stopped
responding to my emails... Oh, but that's nothing extraordinary.
That's what everyone seems to be doing to me. Friends, family, lovers,
etc etc etc. I've learned that there is no "always"...
My dreams... I'm afraid to go to sleep anymore. My nightmares are
going to kill me. I can't handle them anymore... I really can't.
Last night was just too much for me. In this dream, there was this
girl... I didn't know who she was, but I was apparently madly in love with
her. She was cruel, however... And rejected all of my advances.
I was sitting on this bench, my knees drawn up to my chest. I told
her again, "I love you." She leaned over me, and sneered at me as
she brought out a book of matches, "Prove it." She said, as she lit a match
and handed it to me. She glared down at me... She wanted me to burn
myself. At first, I obviously thought, "What?! Is she out of
her mind?! I'm not going to burn myself for this crazy chick!"
But then I looked at her, and her dark, cruel, yet beautiful eyes...
Was I in love with her? Yes, I was.. And I would prove it.
I pressed the lit match into my knee, and held it there until it died.
I stared directly at her as I held it there... If her face changed, I didn't
see it. When I pulled the match away, the skin was black and charred
where I held it... But suddenly, it began to spread. The blackened
flesh flaking away like paper ashes, exposing charred flesh beneath.
It spread halfway up my thigh and halfway down my shin, eating away my
whole knee. I remember in the dream, I was panicking and thought
that I was going to die if it didn't stop spreading, but it did.
I looked back up at her... She only seemed mildly satisfied as she turned
and walked away. I remember later in the dream... I had sex with
her. I felt incredibly loathsome afterwards, because this girl hated
me. Then I woke up... Or so I thought. I really hate these
kinds of dreams... I woke up and my sister was on her bed. She told
me that she heard I had sex with that girl... I of course adamantly denied
it, but she didn't believe me. Then I started trying to remember
if I -did- have sex with her... My memory of the event, of the girl, were
as if it were all a dream. I began to think that maybe it was a dream...
Which is entirely ironic, seeings how I was still dreaming. I can't
quite remember what happened after that... But I remember waking up...
I didn't really know if I was awake or not. Maybe I was still dreaming?
Maybe I still am... Maybe I'm losing my mind... Maybe there's no
maybe about it.
Well, I could sit here and discuss the reality of reality in a quantum
physics-esque debate, but ah... Nah.
Sunday, October 08, 2000 9:32 am
Someone please help me. If you are reading this and you have
a soul, please call the authorities and have me commited. I am losing
my mind. I'm serious.
I rarely sleep anymore, and even when I do, it's a sleep filled with nightmarish
imagery. When I wake up, I always feel like I'm still in a dream.
It's going to kill me.
I look around at everything, and feel like I'm looking at it for the first
time. I don't feel like myself, I feel like a stranger in a strange
house. Everything looks new and different to me. Or as if I
were just barely noticing it for the first time... I can't explain it.
These people... All these people. They are going to kill me.
They say and do things that are so irrational and hurtful, that it doesn't
make any sense. My life has become so surreal that I feel sick and
dizzy like I'm constantly on some invisible roller coaster. People
who I don't even know are telling and saying things to me that they shouldn't.
People who I do know are saying and doing things that they don't normally
do.
I have no one to talk to. No one would believe me anyway. All
I can do is sit here and type... And type and type and type and type.
It's like I'm screaming in my head, but you can't hear it through my words.
I want to scream aloud so badly... But it's like that riddle... If
a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it really
make a sound? If I scream and no one is around to hear it, do I really
make a sound?
I'm never alone, yet I am, yet I'm not. There is always someone here,
so I'm not physically alone... But I'm generally ignored, so I am.
But I always feel like someone is watching me... It's just a paranoid delusion,
I know... But the feeling is still there all the same. So, I never
really feel alone, but in a bad way. I don't know, I guess I'm just
not making any sense.
I'm so tired right now. All I want to do is sleep... But I'm scared.
I can't handle anymore nightmares, they're going to kill me. I see
things in my head that are something of pure insanity. Faces contorting,
people I don't know smiling at me, mish-mashes of anatomy... It's too complex
and surreal to explain. It makes my stomach hurt even thinking about
it. I am so tired, I just want to sleep peacefully. I don't
want anymore nightmares... And I don't want to wake up feeling like I'm
in a dream. It's going to kill me.
I know I sound like a lunatic. I still have enough of my wits left
to recognize that there is something wrong with me... But I don't know
what to do. All I can do is sit here and type and type and type and
type. Screaming in my head but not making a sound. I don't
know what else to do. There's no one who can help me. I can't
help myself, because I'm making things worse... I don't know what
to do. I'm tired and want to sleep. I can't handle this anymore.
Wednesday, October 11, 2000 9:45 am
*sigh* Just as I thought, Dave was going to start peddling drugs
to me... He won't leave me alone, it's all I ever hear from his mouth
lately. Last night he brought over some weed, I can't remember what
he called it... Maybe because I had just fallen to sleep at the time
when he woke me up. *growl* Anyways, I remember he had two huge fucking
nugs of this shit, one was something like chronic, the other stuff was
all... Purple. *shrugs* Anyways, he wants me to smoke it with him...
Ha. What a dumb shit, he was high when he told me this, so I know
that when he's sober he's going to change his mind. More than that,
though, he is obsessed with trying to get me to take shrooms. "Dude!
They are -natural- man!" Yeah... So is poison ivy, shit face. Eh,
but really, I don't know what I'd say if I were at his house and he shoved
some in front of my face. My life is so in the toilet right now that
I'm beginning to not care anymore.
All is not horrible, however. I seem to have been sleeping a little
bit better these past few nights. No nightmares or anything...
I'm quite relieved, really... I was going mad.
Being a non-sexual is more difficult than it sounds. It requires
lots of discipline and strength of will... Just yesterday, I went
to a movie with my cousin and his unwashed friend, and ran into one of
the most sexiest ticketmistresses I've ever seen. Before I even noticed
the studded wristband, or the black pendant, or that haunted look in her
eyes... I knew she was gothic. I have this unique talent for detecting
gothiness... I call it my "goth-dar". In any case... Yes, she was
beautiful... And moreover, I knew I'd seen her somewhere before... 'Course,
the goth community here in Utah is so small that you can literally know
the entire scene by their faces... She also seemed to recognize me...
Maybe... Or maybe she was just shocked to see a goth in Sandy, I don't
know. Anyway, I found my eyes unable to drift from her, and I think
it made her uncomfortable... She didn't really seem interested in me, but
that may have been my pessimism talking... 'Course, I get my pessimism
from countless "experience" (rejection)... Bah, it doesn't matter.
I didn't talk to her... As always. Besides... I'm a non-sexual now...
The foolishness of love and sex no longer appeal to me anymore... .......You
know... No matter how many times I say that... I never seem to convince
myself.
Sunday, October 15, 2000 2:06 pm
Well, once again, I'm not getting any sleep. Ever since I last wrote
(typed?), no matter what time I go to bed... I wake up at exactly 4am.
Why 4am? I don't know. All I know is that it's going to drive
me insane.
Shitface (aka "Dave") hasn't come around... Thank God. I knew when
he got sober he'd change his mind about things.
Well, I went and saw the re-release of "The Exorcist" last Friday... Friday
the 13th *mystical spooky gesture*. My sister had been bugging me
to do something with her, so this is what we decided upon. A wise
decision, as the movie was great. A number of interesting (read:
Bizarre) things happened at the theater (Well, it -was- Friday the 13th
'n' all...)... No one, I repeat -no one- goes to this theater that isn't
either rich/popular/preppy. So, needless to say, I was getting odd
looks from all. The "gentleman" in front off me particularly found
me offensive... He kept glancing back at me and looking me up and down
like I was some sort of foul insect... He quickly changed his attitude,
however, when I gave him my patented "AGAF Sneer"... *snicker* Then
he started acting like I was either going to forcefully sodomize him or
shoot him... It didn't help much when I would randomly utter the
word "uzi" either... Gyeh heh. Larry H. Miller happened to be there...
I was -so- tempted to point at him and shout, "Hey! I -know- that
guy!" Er.... If you're not from Utah, you no doubt have no idea what
I'm talking about... But I assure you, it would have been hilarious.
Also
there was this guy dressed up as a trail guide tagging along with some
other person in a giant toucan costume... *shrugs* But, like
I said, the movie was excellent... After it was over, and I was leaving......
I -thought- I saw someone I knew... But I wasn't really paying attention
and was a bit lost in my thoughts (When that happens, a building could
explode near me and I wouldn't notice.)... Add that to the fact that the
theater was still dark, and that it was only a fleeting glimpse...
Well, you get the idea... But I, for a moment at least, thought I spied
Madelyn (Who's Madelyn? Damnit!!! Haven't you been reading
-all- my entries?! No?!?!?! Oh.... I see... Well, she was a
friend... What? No, I wasn't in love with her... *mutter* Yeah,
I know, that's a first... In any case, just like any and all of my relationships,
I fucked that up too.)... I know whomever it was was wearing black...
Mebbe........ Had red hair...... Definitely....... I think....
In any case, if that was truly her, that would make things incredibly ironic...
Well, not really... Sorta... It's just that before I left,
I had a feeling that I'd run into someone I knew... That's not so
unusual, you say? Well, it is for me, because I don't know many people...
(Duh) But, that got me to feeling bad things all night after that....
It's been over a year... I can't believe that! Only -I- could disappear
so entirely and effectually off the face of the earth like that.
Only -I- could manage to never see 20 or so people I've met ever again.
*sigh* Well, it's official, I suck.
More bad shit... You remember my "father's" "roommate" (Cripes, I
like to use quotations a lot... Hmm... Parenthesis too...) situation,
right? Well, I was originally told that my "father" lived in the
basement level of the house, while his two "roommates" lived upstairs...
Apparently, though, that isn't the situation... He lives upstairs... With
them.... Fucking sick piece of shit... My little brother and
sister were over there, and were -SUPPOSED- to spend the night, but nooooo...
His "roommates" were going to have a drinking party so they couldn't stay.
I asked, "Why not? You could just stay downstairs with Dad."
My little brother just shrugged.... Even before I asked the question,
I already knew the answer... It's because the old fuck was going to party
with them... Really shows where his fucking priorities lie, doesn't
it?
I need a fucking drink....