-The Bleakness of January Winds-<

Sunday, January 06 2002 11:14 pm

    Well...  That's it.  I'm tired of being fucking polite with people...  That's it.  I can't take anymore of it.  They say it's all a bunch of fucking "net drama", and that none of it is ever real.  But fucked up things are going on as we speak.  Real things.  Real consequences.  You know...  This is likely why I shut myself off from the "RL" world...  Because everywhere I go, I make things worse.  I create misery.  It's all with the best of intentions...  Just like the road to hell.  I know I'm not being coherent...  But coherence is just something that doesn't exist anymore.  Poof.  Gone.
    Huw...  If he reads this.  If you are reading this...  Then you are about to know why you won't be seeing me anymore.  Ahead of time...  I'd like to apologize for everything.  Heh...  Yeah...  I know this must be the umpteenth time I've pulled this...  But this time it's different.  I saw Jade online tonight...  And I swallowed the urge to verbally throttle her, and tried to talk to her.  You've worried me a lot...  And I hate feeling so useless...  Really, I feel I am even detrimental...  You've called Jade your best friend...  And something that I told Jade and am about to tell you...  Is that this was something that stirred a lot of jealousy in me.  I know that's stupid...  And really...  Creepy.  But there you have it.  Really, I was, if only a little, secretly pleased that you were no longer speaking with her.  That bit of psychosis aside...  It seemed to me as if, when you two were getting along, that no one else could help you.  With you, going through the things you are, I felt that if I could somehow convince her to try and patch things up with you that you would...  I don't know...  I don't know what I was thinking.  Well...  Here comes the worst of it...  No turning back now, eh?  Well, simply put...  I told her that you'd been thinking of her, that she held a "profound" effect on you...  And I told her about your cousin.  I thought this would somehow...  I don't know...  Jade...  Always the stupid stupid wall of anger...  I came to find out that things were a lot more convoluted than I thought...  And I realized the complete... The sheer stupidity of my actions...  The total futility in them.  Instead of helping, I've now accomplished making things much worse for everyone concerned.  Huw...  You've explained to me your issues with trust...  And I know I've done irrepairable damage.  I guess "destroyed" would be a more fitting word.  And to top it off... Rather than coming straight to you with this, I write it here, where you might not even see it.  I took the coward's path.  Even if you could forgive me...  I know our friendship would never be the same.  I'd never have that trust again.  I don't even want to think about it.  So...  Here I am...  The damn monkey in the middle that made too much noise.  If I'm not now hated by all, then at least I have lost everyone's trust.  I don't even want to say I'm sorry...  Because thinking about it makes me furious at myself, so I can't imagine how furious it would make you.  The best of intentions...

Sunday, January 20 4:22 am

    Well...  As always, I blow things out of proportion.  I don't know what my problem is...  Not being able to stand the guilt, it wasn't long before I personally told Huw.  With the way I was breaking it down to him, he must have thought I was going to announce that I had emailed nude photos of himself to the EV mailing list...  Heh... *saves that idea for future blackmail*  }x-]  But yeah...  He and I were both relieved after it was all said and done, though I still felt I did something wrong.
    Huw's been going through a lot of...  I dunno...  Things.  He has these mood swings, though he works quite efficiently at making them nearly imperceptible.  It reminds me of the way I've been feeling.  Though my mood swings never seem to swing into the higher spectrum of things anymore.  I dunno...  It just seems to me that I serve no purpose in this world.  No matter what I may accomplish, I just don't feel that any of it is important.  Getting a job...  Mortaging my life...  Existing...  Not living...  What is that?  I feel like the whole planet is some festering trap of meaningless existence.  I feel like the very primeval goo that we are said to all have evolved from.  Everyday I see more and more of what humanity is...  Humanity...  To be the perfect cog in the perfect machine.  There's no room for freedom.  Everyday I wonder more and more about the designer of this clockwork...  Wonder if this was the intention...  I've been reading up on my history.  The more I read, the more I see that all of humanity is entirely self-serving...  That nothing has changed since the beginning of things...  That we are all still blood crazed and power mongering barbarians...

    Hmm...  Someone tried to get port access to my computer...  Well, a bit early in the game of things for that.  Wonder who the hell that was?  Tried to grab a hold of the offending IP, but it was already gone...  *boggle*

    Hmm..  I better finish this quick here and upload it.  Yeah.

Tuesday, January 22 12:07 am

    The birthdays of my two half siblings occurred in the past week.  My beloved baby sister's was last Thursday, and my spirited baby brother's was today.  I meant to write about all this last time, but I was having hacker paranoia...  Once you find out how easy it is to invade someone's privacy over the net, it makes you constantly paranoid that someone is going to attack you at any given moment.  In fact...  *switches on his guard*  ...There, let's see someone crack through that!  Nyeh...  Anyway, back to where I was...
    I took my baby sister, just her and I, to see Monster's Inc on her birthday.  It was a real treat for me, personally...  I think I'd die without her affection.  She enjoyed the movie a lot, as did I...  But on every part that was meant to be funny, I could barely stop myself from crying...  I don't understand it myself...  I don't know...
    I woke up today to find that my mother had flown the coop.  Apparently she was supremely upset about something...  About what, exactly, I do not know.  She hung up on her husband when he called, though, which I took as a clue.
    In the middle of my baby brother's birthday party, my Grandfather approached me while I was in my room.  I immediately had this weird feeling that he was going to say something to me that I was going to remember for the rest of my life...  He started out casually...  "So, whatcha doin' there?"  And casually, I replied in kind, "Oh...  Just some dart game."  Deciding that the ice was broken, he broached the subject, "Sooo...  How do you feel about moving all the way back east?"  I shrugged, "Well, I guess I'm looking forward to a new experience."  He nodded, then asked me, "So how old you gonna be this year?  20?"  "21." I corrected.  "Boy, yer gettin' old!  Pretty soon yer gonna be an old man!" He remarked as he playfully slapped me on the shoulder.  I don't think he had any idea how old I actually feel inside.  I chuckled politely and nodded.  "It's sure gonna be weird not havin' you here!  Y'been here for a looong time!  How old were you first here?"  I thought about it, "14, I think."  "Nah, y'musta been younger than that!"  "Oh, I dunno, 13, mebbe."  "Yeah...  Maybe even 10!"  I think he was referring to when I lived here once before.  "Oh yeah, well, yeah, off 'n' on."  We both nodded, then after a pause he looked at me and said, "Well, I hope all the experiences you have will be good ones.  Good luck."  Then he offered me a genuine smile, and I could see tears brimming in his eyes if only oh so slightly...  All I could really say was, "Thanks." and offer him a smile in kind.  This may not sound like anything unusual to you (you?  Who am I talking to?!) or to anyone else for that matter...  I mean, I suppose it's "normal" for teary separations when relatives move away...  This just is not the case with my Grandpa.  He's made suppressing emotions into an art-form.  Comes from that generation where men were men, who didn't cry, didn't express sorrow or any sort of sentiment at all.  He and I are very similar in that respect...  Though perhaps we suppress our emotions for different reasons.  He and I...  Our beliefs and views on the world couldn't be any more different.  But like me, I believe he thinks love takes precedence above all else.  It's for this reason that I respect him more than anyone else in my extended family.  He is a man of integrity in a world where it's become popular to sell yourself out...
    After he left my room...  I became very angry.  Not at him, mind you...  But rather with my father...  Where my Grandfather gave me his best wishes...  My father has been trying to spread terror...  "All those black people!  It's dangerous!"  He even has Cassy's husband, who's black, echoing these sentiments...  So he's black.  So what?  He's -never- lived in the south, he doesn't know shit.  I don't care what colour the people are...  In fact, I have a history of getting along with people of different ethnicity much better than I get along with people who happen to share my colour.  *sigh*  I hate that bastard.
    I've been having some really strange strange dreams...  This one in particular was so vivid.  I was on this... HUGE river!  It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life...  Too bad it was in my dreams...  But anyway, it was massive and slow moving.  It must have been something like a quarter of a mile wide!  It was surrounded by tall, steep, rocky hills on both sides, and it wound around like a snake.  In the middle of the river were these... I guess you would call them islands...  But they were more like mountains that sprang straight up out of the water.  They dotted the length of the entire river as far as I could see.  On top of these mountain-islands were these awe-inspiring statues...  Each one probably at least 100ft tall.  They were beautiful...  Statues of classical looking heroes, with crested helms, swords and shields...  And robed sorceresses with ornate staves...  Flocks of birds flew gracefully around them, looking so tiny in comparison.  Along the shore were huge castles, their towers looking very ominous against the backdrop of the sunset.  I remember in the dream trying to rationalize that this was the Rhine, because that's the only river I know of that has castles along it...  Although the Rhine is indeed beautiful...  This was obviously not it...  I wish I could have never awaken from that dream...
    I was in a boat with some other people.  It was a sort of house boat, I think...  And there was this completely gorgeous girl...  Who had jet black hair pulled up into some sort of ornate bun.  She had a petite build, pale complexion, and delicate features...  *melts*  Apparently, I knew her somehow...  Like a friend or something.  She and I were talking about something or another while another friend observed.  When she left, this friend approached me.  My memories of him are quite fuzzy, but I seem to remember him wearing lots of black and having long black hair...  I also seem to remember thinking that it was Huw...  But I may be just trying to put a face to a nameless person... Or is that a name to a faceless person?  ...In any case, he came to me and was trying very hard to convince me that this girl was for me, and that he knew I was completely in love with her, and that I should just say something already.  ...And then I don't remember what happened after that...  Like I said...  Strange dream.
    Well...  I suppose that'll be it for now.