- April - May -
 
 
 
 

Friday, April 20, 2001 2:12 am

            Ha! Thought I was dead, didn't ya? What? You didn't care? Oh... I see... Ah well, it's understandable. In any case... I didn't die. Rather, my computer did. Something went awry, and I lost most of it's function... Series of hard drive crashes... Etc. Well, I finally got a new system. Instead of my former P100, 16 meg, 1gig, I have a Celeron 600, 96 meg, 10 gig. What's more, is that I picked it up for only $469. But when you buy a computer for that low of a price... Expect trouble. The hardware setup is completely wacko, and I'm going to have to buy a new video card, and replace my current sound card with the more compatible card from my old puter. Ah, enough tech talk. How about an update, huh? Righto. Well, lessee... Christmas came and went... It was completely miserable, no surprise there (Damn you, horse-drawn carriages!). I was glad to see the winter weather go. I hate winter... Things haven't gotten any better for me... Rather, they've gotten worse, if that's possible. I'm still doing drugs, and no, it's not just weed anymore. I now have acid, mushrooms and ecstasy all under my belt. In fact, I just took some "Spiderman" dose just last Sunday... It was pretty heavy stuff, equally intense as the shrooms. I've noticed that I tend to have bad trips... Especially when I'm alone. I hate walking home from Dave's when I'm still high, and having to try to act sober... I really hate it. Dave's an asshole, he knows how bad trips are... He doesn't care. I'm really sick of that kid. I applied for a job not too long ago. My "father" told me that there was a %90 chance that I'd get hired... I went out and bought work clothes and what not. I was so eager... I thought that I was finally going to turn my life around. Gawd, I'm a fucking idiot. Of course, I didn't get hired. See what optimism gets ya? Well, I'm gonna go apply for another job, of course... And have my application thrown in the trash again... I guess that's what happens when you're a high school drop out with no prior experience, huh? Speaking of high school... I'm trying to get that act together by taking a correspondence course. If things work out like I hope (There's that damn word again), then I should be able to complete 3 years of schooling within 6 months... IF things work out... Which, of course, we all know that they don't. *sigh* Bad shit. ...I'm not really sure... But I need to go into the clinic for some... Testing. I'd really rather not expand upon it yet, until I get the tests done... But ah... It would be so incredibly ironic that I cannot see how it can't be true... Um, yeah, you're probably confused (You? There I go again, acting as if someone's reading this when they're not), but all will be clear within... Ah... I dunno... Whenever I get around to going to the Doc's. Girls... Girls, girls, girls... Boy, am I starting to hate girls. Er, not that I'm beginning to like guys... Erm... Mostly... Ah, but that's a subject for another day, eh? Back to the matter at hand... Well, I guess "hate" is much too strong of a word... But I am getting -so- frustrated. I hate it so much to have to see beautiful girls waste their young lives on pig scum guys who don't love them, and don't deserve them. Even more, I hate it when these girls come to me asking me what to do... Not that I don't want to be there for them, because I do! But I see it SO much that it's become extremely REDUNDANT. Here I have some poor, beautiful, intelligent, sexy, heavenly grace of a goddess, who could so easily have legions of males worshipping their every breath, crying to me because of their jack ass boyfriend who doesn't even acknowledge their existance. Argh! It's all the more frustrating for a sad schmuck like me, who has NO chance to find love in life, to watch someone squander their hearts like that. Oftimes, I dare to think, "I could love her! I would give her the treatment she deserves!". But, my sanity quickly overrides my stupidity, and I realize that they would be no better off with me, if not worse... Being a jerk is bad, yes... But being psychotic is worse... And I have psychosis in spades. Ha... What a load of shit! If one of those beautiful girls ever wanted to be with me, I would leap at the opportunity... No self control, I tell ya... Good thing for all concerned that I'm a hideous schizophrenic druggie, huh? Well, what else is new? Hmmm... Oh, my sister has a new boyfriend. He's some big black dude, which I think is kinda funny because I'm certain that fact assails my family's collective Mormon senses... Mwe heh... Aside from that, I don't know whether I approve of him or not. I haven't met him, as my sister outright REFUSES to let me to. In fact, I think he's too much for her to handle, from what I understand, he has... Issues. He was hospitalized recently for overdosing on valium... Or whatever anti-depressant the scum bastard doctors have got him addicted to (SCUM! Scum, I say!). Oh yeah, did I mention that my sister is only 17, and he's... Hmm... 21, I believe? No? Yeah well... To make things worse... He thinks she's 18. Why is that? Well, that's because she LIES about her AGE. Sometimes I want to smack the hell out of her for that... Seriously, just reach back my hand... and... WHAP! Right across her stupid face. *twitch* Sorry... That's been bugging me for quite some time now. If I were a guy (Oh wait... I guess I am, technically), and a girl with whom I've been seeing was underage and didn't tell me... Boy, would I be upset. Cripes, Dave is an asshole. When I told him about who my sister was seeing, he said, "Aw, dood! I bet she's having sex with him every second, dood! I know guys like that! Dood, they don't put up with shit! They only want girls that put out! Dood, I bet your sister's become a slut!" Fucker. I told him quietly to shut up. Luckily (for him), he did. Because if he EVER says anything like that again... I'm going to rip his manlies (What little he has, anyway) off, and feed them to him. I've been thinking about improving the site again... But the point would be moot, because of course, no one ever comes here, so it would be all for not. So it's just gonna have to stay ugly, I don't care. I will, however, try to be more diligent with my updates, for what it's worth... Well... That's all for now, I suppose...

Wednesday, April 25, 2001

        You might have noticed that I elected to get rid of the clunky background...  Makes things a little easier to read... I dunno, whatever...
        I am out of my mind exhausted.  I have this horrible stomach ache, and I feel like barfing... Baaarfing...  Hurk!  Gonna! *swallows it down*  I just recently had a stomach virus, and I thought I was over it... But I feel like complete shit right now.
        I hate Dave... I really do.  He got a hold of some chronic, and now he's probably smoked it all... With his -cooler- friends, of course.  I hate being someone's last ditch pal...
        I'm thinking of going to find come cute girl... And paying her $100 to just hug me for five minutes.  I need cute girl hugs.  Just hugs... Nothing else.  Need... Hugs...  And cheese cake.... Hugs and cheese cake. *sigh*
        Uh... Just disregard this entry... I'm supremely tired and I don't know what I'm typing...  If only someone would hug me and feed me cheese cake...  I would be -so- happy... *sob*

Sunday, April 29, 2001 2:23 pm

        Life is interesting if nothing else...  Some of the people I get to know...  The Great Pattern of things...  They way it all seems to fit... Somehow. I can't be the only one who sees it.  Who feels it...  I dunno...  I don't understand it, I just know that I see it.  Sometimes... I can anticipate how it will move before it actually does... *sigh*  I've lost my mind, I think.
        There's this girl...  She says she's a mute...  At first... I could not imagine going through life not being able to speak... Not being able to tell someone how I feel...  But I realized... That is exactly what I do.  It just makes me feel guilty for squandering the gift I've been given.
        I haven't been feeling at all well...  I've just been drawing in too much.  I know I should stop... I know...  But I can't.  Even if it kills me...  Which it just might...  I don't know...  I just don't like seeing people in pain.  If I can take it away... I will...  But I just feel so weak.
        Well... My lunacy aside... Things are proceeding much the same as they always do.  Down the fucking toilet.  I want to look at the future with hope... But I just don't see anything in the future to support that...
        Above all...  I just feel tired.  Tired and weak.  Tired, weak, and hurt.  I want to sleep and never wake up.

Tuesday, May 01, 2001 6:49 pm

        What the hell is wrong with me?  Why am I doing this to myself?  Haven't I learned a -fucking- thing?!  Am I completely off the wall nuts?!  *sigh*
        Am I actually going to go through with this again?  All my reason screams at me not to.  I know I'm going to get hurt again...  As I always do...  But my heart... My damned foolish heart!
        I wish I never knew what love was...

Saturday, May 05, 2001 9:15 pm

        This has been the shittiest week I've had in recent memory.  I've fallen in love (Only -I- would turn that into a bad thing!), my father is an asshole, I had to go to a wedding, I feel like shit, I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping, I have an ass for a friend... *sigh*
        I just back back from a wedding tonight...  It's so unbelievably miserable to see two people get married when the person you love lives so far away...  Ah, let's not forget the fact that I could never ever ever ever ever ever ever *takes a breath* ever ever ever ever ever EVER hope to have her love.  I don't deserve her... She's so wonderful...  So wonderful.  She's too wonderful... She's perfect...  Why does she have to live so far away?  I think I'm cursed...
        Back to the wedding...  Aside from the fact that I couldn't get my mind off of the girl of my dreams, I had to go with nothing to wear.  Oh well, like I give a fat shit what those people will ever think of me.  Whatever...
        Aaaaarrrrgggh!  I just can't get my mind off her for even ONE second!  She doesn't know this...  But she is the reason I cannot sleep, or eat.  I stir restlessly in my bed, thinking of her.  I see food and see no point in eating it.  I just have no appetite...  I cannot tell her this.  No matter how much I want to.  She has enough to deal with let alone my drama...
        Oh no... Great... I'm talking to her... And I'm coming so close to telling her... I don't know what I'm going to do...  Oh god oh god oh god... She's guessing... Oh god... She HAS to know!  How can she not?!  It's so obvious!  She's going to find out, and then she's going to run, and I'm going to be crushed!  How can she not know?!  Aaauuugh!  Oh my god... Please don't reject me, Katie... Please!  Ohhh... why am I doing this?!  I'm so stupid!  I'm being so selfish!  I can't even make a guess as to how this is making her feel!  I know she doesn't want to hurt me... But how can she not?  I'm just not the one for her...  Why can't I be the one for her?  If we could just be together... And hold one another...  Everything would be so great!  So perfect...  Why do things have to work out this way?!  Oh my god!  I just practically told her!  What is she going to say?  Why am I doing this?!  She didn't say anything... Okay... Um... What does that mean?  Does it have to mean anything?  This would be so much easier if... Well... There is no way to make this easier.  This is going to be painful no matter what...  She isn't going to budge... She wants me to tell her straight out!  Or does she?  I don't know... I don't know!  Oh my god!  She has to know now!  She HAS to!  Ohhh... What is she going to say now?  She's going to run, or something!  Please don't run, Katie... Please...  What am I doing?  I'm about to tell her...  I'm really about to tell her... I TOLD HER!  OH MY GOD I TOLD HER!  Please don't run, Katie... Please!  She isn't saying anything...  I'm so sorry, Katie...  I didn't mean to do this to you...  But you don't know how it felt not being able to say it!

        Okay... Okay...  Calm down...  I wasn't rejected...  Yet...  That is a Good Sign.  Whew... Okay....  Hmmm... Hmmmmm...  Oh wow, I'm so in love with her!

Friday, May 11, 2001 12:07 am

        Holy (or unholy, as the case may be) shit...  I can't believe the insiduous plot I've fallen prey to...  It's so twisted and corrupt that only one word springs to mind.  EVIL.  And that just isn't a word I toss around willy nilly...  But what I've stumbled into is something that is purely just that.  It's so incredibly sick and twisted that I am still reeling from the whole thing...  So wrong... So so so wrong...  I'll post a log telling all about it once I properly edit it (taking out some things that are to remain private).
        Humaan soul?  Two A's?  What the fuck?  Someone has been fucking with my site...  And no, I didn't accidently do that myself...  Well, I'm going to leave that as it is for now...  Though I find myself truly curious as to who would/could do that...
        Well... I'm really tired...  What, with having my soul fanged by some twisted... Personthing...  Graaah!  Damn my naivity!
 

Friday, May 18, 2001 9:28 pm

        I've been feeling really strange as of late...  I dunno.  The bullshit that's been going on... Not just in my life, but in the life of my friends... So many horrible things happening to people... *sigh*
        I've been off drugs for a while now.  Really only because Dave hasn't given me any, but hey...  At least I know I can go without them.  Though, me, Dave, and this other crazed person have sworn an oath that we're going to go out into the middle of the desert and get so high that we'll forget who we are.  I don't know if I want to do it anymore, though...  I won't lie, what we are planning to do is... Well... Dangerous.  I mean...  we probably won't kill ourselves...  But that's what they always say, "It'll never happen to me."  And then it does.  Does it matter?  Do I even want to live?  I just don't know.
        My "father" is moving out of state to work.  Thank the Gods.  I already make it a point to avoid him as much as possible, and this will just make it all the more easier.  I'm afraid that I just may have to kill him one of these days.  Seriously.
        I feel tired...  My head and heart of full of thoughts and feelings, and I don't want them to be there...  It's hot in my room, and I'm getting a fucking headache... I need to get out of here, I need to go outside...  Go outside and do the same damn fucking pathetic thing I do EVERY night.  Sit there, staring up at the stars like some stupid fuck.  I don't know why I do it...  I see a star and it's so far far away...  I know that despite how beautiful it is, that no matter how hard I reach... That I will never grasp it.  Never even come close to being able to touch it, not even for a moment.  And then I think... That star is just like my hapiness.  Just like my foolish hopes of falling in love.  Just like a bright new tomorrow where for once, I will be happy to wake up and be alive...  Forever out of my reach.