-June... The Month of All Things Stupid-
Thursday, June 01, 2000 12:19 pm
The
concert is this Sunday... I have only recently thought of something
that should've been painfully obvious. If you recall, there is this
group of people who I tried to make friends with, but fucked up as usual...
There's one particular girl among these friends who I especially have an
eye on... But... There is no way in this topsy turvy fucked up world
that I could even begin to hope to have a relationship with her...
Hmm, that makes me more depressed everytime I think about it.
Anyways, seeings how this is (supposedly) the final tour ever that The
Cure is going to do, combined with the fact that they are one of the most
influential band to the gothic community to ever have existed... There
is a highly likely chance that I will see them all again... Which
is somehow such a strange concept to me. I haven't seen or talked
to any of them for a year come August, and I'm quite sure they all think
I'm completely off my rocker by now... But who's to say that I'm
not? Maybe I really am as fucked up as people keep telling me...
Maybe I should just take the fucking government sanctioned drugs, conform,
live the happy life of a compulsive prozac pumped productive consumer...
Oh fuck yes, that sounds -so- appealing. I could wear argyle socks
and
loafers! Watch football on my big screen TV that I slaved months
for! I could read the finance section in the newspaper! I COULD
VOTE REPUBLICAN!
Hmm... But that would mean that I couldn't wear combat boots around
at the office... Oh... Well... FUCK THAT then! }=-]
Monday, June 05, 2000 11:07 am
Disillusionment, disappointment, disenchantment... Good ways
to describe my experience at the concert last night... As always,
Fate plays funny games...
I forgot my driver's license when I left, and didn't realize it until I
was halfway there, so I was certain that Fate would spit in my eye and
get me pulled over... Buuut, I was surprised and it didn't happen.
During the whole drive down, I felt horribly nervous. I was certain
I would see them again, but I had no idea what I would say... No idea how
I might atone for my less than rational behavior... After what seemed
like an eternity of driving, I finally got there. I decided to park
in the overflow lot to avoid traffic later on. From the lot, I walked
across the street towards the E-Center (The stadium where the concert was
being held.), and as I neared, I could not see one other gothic in sight...
I was hoping that I hadn't somehow passed through a time warp (agaaaaaaain)
and arrived on some other day other than Sunday, but as I got closer, I
saw some black clad individuals emerge from their vehicle and breathed
a sigh of relief. As I came up to the front stairs, goths literally
littered the steps... I glanced nervously about for a familiar face...
None. Already going out of my mind, I decided to sit on the steps
and brood for awhile... Maybe someone who knew me would notice me (I am
the Goth King of Brooding, no other goth can compare). I stared at
the ground, mostly, as numorous people whizzed by. I didn't want
to look, I felt insignifigant amongst that crowd of beautiful people (sta-stomp
stomp). I also was afraid that I would find a familiar face, and
I'd have to make a decision as to whether to approach them or not... You
see, if -I- were approached, I would have no choice but to face up to it...
But if I had to consciously make the decision... I don't know if I could
do it. I doubt I could. I couldn't. No matter, though,
because I didn't see -ONE- damn person I knew! Well... Not completely
true... I saw a couple of people who used to frequent Confetti's, including
the old bartender... But no one I really knew... It was 8pm... Time
for the concert. Everyone was filing in... But I continued to sit
there and stew. I felt like going back to my truck and leaving right
then, but I didn't want to waste my ticket. So... I proceeded.
My seats were shitty, to say the least. Even though I was close,
I was clear on the side. Nearly in the same spot I was when I first
saw The Cure, at 10 years old... That another interesting thing...
I was constantly looking for a paralell... To relate this experience to
the one I had before... But instead I found a reciphrocal...
That is... Opposite. Yet, many things were the same... Only
different... It's hard to explain. Well, take me, for example.. When
I was little, and saw all those people dressed up and caked with black
and white make up, I was confused and in awe. Last night, I was still
confused... But that's nothing unusual, people always confuse me.
I was no longer in awe, however... That feeling has long been dead in me.
Just like when I was little, I found all the people, so strange, yet strangely
beautiful... And just as when I was little, I fell in love with all
of them. It's a strange feeling... Absolutely fawning over
everyone in their dress and makeup, yet here I am, alone and brooding.
One might say it's ironic. Though another might say it's pathetic...
I say it's both. So anyways, here I was, going to my seat.
I entered the stadium and was immersed in people... I don't know where
all the gothic people went, but they weren't in my section, that's for
sure. I took my seat, and found that the two seats on either side
of me were vacant... I prayed that they'd stay this way, but sure enough
they didn't. The people who sat to the right of me were very preppy
looking... I gave them about 20 minutes before they couldn't stand sitting
next to the "Most Depressed Goth in the World", and exchanged seats with
someone else... They surprised me, however... It only took them 10.
After only a few minutes, Captain Bob (Robert Smith) and the gang filed
out onto the stage. Scream, clap, yay. Happy memories of when
I was young immediately rushed to mind, and I had to choke them back like
bile rising in my throat. I was the only one still sitting in my
seat. Though I was immensely depressed, I was looking forward to
hearing my favorite songs live... Woe to me. First, they played
some new stuff, then one good song, then some more new stuff, then some
really old stuff, then some crap, and some more crap, then a couple of
good songs, then crap, and then bye... This wasn't what I expected...
When I was 10, they played -EVERYTHING-, and just when you thought they
were done, they came back out and played everything again! This was
shit. I felt so ripped off. They didn't come out for ONE single
encore... They didn't play Lullaby, they didn't play Friday I'm in Love,
they didn't play Pictures of You, Lovecats... Goddamnit, they didn't play
anything! The concert started at around 8:30, and it couldn't have
lasted longer than 10:30 - 11:30. That was bullshit. The fact
that the concert had seats made it all the worse. Even when they
did play a good song, I couldn't fucking dance anyways. As I left,
I stopped a few times to gaze out of the large windows, and look down at
all the people... I wanted to see them all again.. Madelyn, Alicia,
Ben, Dawn, Maxie, Chesh, Chad, Synthia, Sable, Gnat, Donya, Keavynn, Tracy,
Anthony, and whomever else who's names I can't remember! I just wantd
to see them! Even if I didn't get to say a damn word, I just wanted
to see them... But I didn't. I went outside, and I chucked
my shades out into the middle of a grass lawn... Which wasn't very smart,
because it was dark, and my shades were black, and even on grass they're
hard to find... But I did find them, and I sat down. I took my gloves
off and ran my fingers through the cool blades of the grass, and remembered
the brief time I spent with them all... Right then, all I wanted to do
was go back to Alicia's again... And drink another vodka and applejuice
mixer while relaxing on the sofa... I wanted to cry right then, just to
fall to the ground, and bury my face in the grass and cry. But the
tears wouldn't come, I felt too empty and hollow to cry... Perhaps it was
for the best, crying like a baby wouldn't be good for my tough guy image,
you know. I watched the cars stream out of the parking lot, I figured
I would wait awhile to avoid traffic, and I was in no hurry in any case.
Secretly, I hoped that they might drive by and see me, and shout out the
window, "Hey, Draconis! Is that you?! Oh my God!!!". Rather
silly of me... Because it never happened. After most of the people
had left, I figured that sitting around any longer was only going to serve
getting myself more depressed. So, I got up and slowly meandered
my way back to the truck. The truck was sitting by itself in the
middle
of that large parking lot. Everything was so quiet... I couldn't
even hear myself walking. The jingle of my keys is the only sound
I can remember. I got into the truck, and turned on the radio...
I can't remember what was playing, but I remember that I thought it poetically
ironic. As I drove home, the radio played all sorts of songs like
that... It was just like a movie soundtrack... I drove home,
half the time wanting to drive off a cliff, and half the time pounding
so angrily on my steering wheel that I thought to break it. I didn't
drive directly home, I decided that I wanted to drive around a bit longer...
Well... Okay, that's a lie... I missed the road I was supposed to turn
down... In any case, it took me a lot longer to get home than it
should have. However, when I did get home, I saw that it was only
12:30... That got me even more pissed that the concert was so short...
But moreover, I was so angry with myself for stressing about seeing those
guys again, when I didn't see a single one of them... Ooo ooo!
Irony! Well, that's how that story ends... Right now, I'm so depressed
I don't know what to do with myself... I feel like driving downtown
and writing poetry... Yes... This will solve everything...
Saturday, June 17, 2000 5:33 pm
I'm tired, and I think I've come to a conclusion. Sunlight
is extrememly bad for me. I burn like kindling, and anytime I'm out
in the sun for longer than an hour or so, I become completely exhausted
for the next couple of days. If you're wondering what I'm babbling
about, then I'll tell you. I went to a campout. Not just any
campout, but the spanktastic, Mormon Fathers 'n' Sons campout! Yay!
Yeah, I know... It's all very macabre in nature. With me and my "father",
not viewing each other as such. I scared the poor Mormons out of
their wits, I'm afraid. The rumours of my "demon worshipping" spread
like wildfire, it seems. *snort* Even the bishop, who smiles and
shakes everyone's hand, neglected to even say one word to me, or even make
eye contact for more than half a second or so. Ha. After the
sun went down, me, my little bro, my cousin and his friend decided to go
hopping about, creating general havoc. The plan was this: Pour a
can of beans on someone's tent, tie someone's camper door shut with a jumprope,
and then finally... Tip over a porta-pottie. Of course, the plan
didn't work out exactly as... Um.. planned. I was about to dump the
beans on some people's tent, and inside their shoes, when my cousin's friend
decided to smash their smokes, and jack their entire cooler instead.
Not wanting to be seen standing there if they woke up, I started to run
for it. As I ran past, I noticed that they had a shitload of beer.
Had the circumstances been different, I would have grabbed 'em and chugged
'em right then and there. But, seeings how I was with company who
do not know about my drinking habits, I decided otherwise. This kid
couldn't run with the entire cooler, because it was too heavy, so he stopped
and took out what he wanted (A package of ham, hotdogs, two sodas, and
a jug of milk) and kicked the rest over. After that, we ran over
to a porta-pottie, and we smeared it with the beans, soda and milk.
We didn't get to tie shut anyone's camper door, which was a bummer, but
we did tip a porta-pottie. The funny thing was that it was right
next to the ranger station too. We all pushed it over, then ran clear
across open field in full moonlight, but managed to make it to the cover
of some large willow trees before the two rangers came out to look for
us. As overdone as it is, tipping over porta-potties just never gets
old. }=-] We hid in the shadows and waited for things to blow over.
We sat there I think for around 45 minutes before we decided it was safe
to leave for camp. I only got a few hours of sleep, so I'm barely
awake enough to type this right now. Going to bed at 6 on a weekend
is lame, but I'm so tired that I can't help it. Oh, Dave's gone for
a week in Yosemite. Dumb bastard, I'm going to kick his ass one of
these days. He's one of those "friends" that only hang out with you
if they have no other choice, and doesn't think your "cool" enough to introduce
to his -real- friends. *mutter* But... He's the only friend
I have, as pathetic as it is, but that means something... I guess.
Tomorrow is Father's Day... Pfft. If only I had a father to celebrate
with.