Friday, August 03 3:44 am

        ....Right, well, July is over with...  Thank God...  And now it's August, which...  by all accounts...  Is even worse.  Out of the pan and into the fire as it were.  Why is August so horrible?  Mmm, well...  Lotsa painful memories, I'm afraid...  You might say August is a month where I've happened to -lose- a number of things...
        In any case, I'm in no mood to dredge that up just now.  I...  *sigh*  I can't even begin to properly describe the turmoil that has been going on inside me...  It has gotten so horrible that I have been crying tears about it nearly every night.  I just don't understand how things work this way...  And sooner or later...  I just know this is going to end up in a complete fucking disaster.  And knowing this hurts so bad...  More than anyone can imagine.  To lose something that I consider so very precious...  It's just so fucking stupid.  I don't know how I get myself into these situations.  It's even worse when you can't talk about it to anyone..  There is only one person in this whole world who knows, and I'm afraid she's too young to quite understand what I'm going through, and she is busy with her own concerns in any case.  I don't know why I chose to tell her of all people...  But...  I don't know... That's a WHOLE other situation right there...  Gaaaah, fuck!  Stupid!  Fuckin' hell, I'm a moron!
        You might recall me speaking of those "puzzle pieces" earlier...  Well...  I've seen more of them, and I'm seeing more and more of this picture that is to be...  And I don't like it.  I keep trying to tell myself that I am just delusional and paranoid...  But the feeling I have about this...  Is just so strong...  *sigh*
        Anyways...  I'm tired...  And I want to do a couple of things before I sleep.

        I am a fool...

Wednesday, August 15 10:54 am

        I've been taking care of Jake and Cassy for the past couple of weeks while the rest of the family was out of town.  My stepfather has a short term job in Washington so my mom drug the kids up there for a visit.  Was left with some grocery money, yada yada...  My little brother behaved for the most part, aside from the fact that he was a glutton and practically inhaled all of our food.  My sister wasn't even around...  Always sleeping over at a "friend's" house...  But I saw through her...  I knew she was staying at her boyfriend's.  But there was nothing I could do.  I also had to go through the mail in my mom's absence...  What I found made my heart sink...  My family owes over $3000 in back bills...  And we're peniless as is.  There's no way we can pay them... I don't know what we're going to do.  She got back last weekend, I was glad to see my baby sister again.  She's the only one who doesn't judge me.
        I'm beginning to feel like I'm not wanted... Anywhere.  I don't feel like anyone wants me around.  I've been subject to many criticisms and insults lately...  A lot of it coming from family and friends.  Though not all of them have meant it...  It's hurt me a lot more than I have let on.  My sister hit me pretty hard last night...  She said some things that really got to me.  I don't understand why she said them...  She knows how bad it hurt...  I didn't react... I never do...  But she could see it in my eyes.  I don't feel like I'm doing any good in this world.  I feel as if things would be better for all concerned if I weren't here.
        I had an outburst with a friend just a few minutes ago...  Her name is Audrey.  It's not as if I am mad at her...  She's adorable and has beenn nothing but nice to me, and were the situation dramatically different... Well... There's no sense in going into that...  But she doesn't understand what it is like to have your true friends no where near you.  To not be near them... To know that you'll never see them.  To not be able to hear their voice...  It means so much to me...  So much that it hurts me more than anyone can understand to have to be reduced to this...  Typing...  It's been wreaking so much havoc with me as of late that I have been avoiding everything and everyone.  My heart and mind are in so much chaos now that it will do no one any good for me to be around...  As if it did any in the first place.  I don't know... I've told a few people that I'm going to be scarce for awhile... But...  Right now... I don't think I'm going to come back.  They don't know this, of course...  I don't know, maybe it's better that way.

        I knew this month would be no good...

Sunday, August 19 3:25 pm

    I feel sick right now...  Been feeling ill for the past couple of days.  My face has become all splotchy, making me even more unattractive than usual...
    Like I said, I've been scare where all things are concerned.  Mostly to check my email...  Though I wish I hadn't.  More bad news has come down the pipeline...  Ugh...  I don't even want to talk about it, suffice to say I'm very unhappy with a number of people now.
    I haven't spoken to Huw for a long time now...  I miss him...  But still...  I can't find the strength to even talk to him, I don't know why...  I don't know...  He has so much on his plate right now that he doesn't need me to go on about my pitiful problems.  He doesn't need me at all...
    Yesterday...  Was not a happy day...  My... Little sister Tanya... Whom I prefer to call "Troll"...  Hit my baby sister, who is the single most precious person in my life...  I became enraged beyond reason, and I nearly broke down the door to my sister's room where I was going to quite literally smack her across the room.  But my mother was there to stop me, blocking me from getting to her.  Then my other sister, Cassy came out and threatened that she would "smack the shit out of me" if I laid a finger on Tanya.  She said it was wrong of me to threaten a little girl with physical violence...  But I don't care...  I don't care if you're blind and in a wheelchair...  You DO NOT touch my baby sister... Ever...  I was so angry... I was shaking with rage...  I couldn't just stand there so I grabbed to keys to the truck and peeled up the road.  I wound my way through the residential streets until I found myself at a certain park...  The park where I had driven Jenn when we first met...  I remember when she kissed me...  I thought to myself, "This is it... This is finally it..."  Heh... How silly of me to delude myself...  Combined with the state I was in, the painful memories were just too much for me...  I couldn't keep the tears from coming...

Wednesday, August 22 3:37 pm

    I burn with pain.  I feel so completely filled with anger... With anguish.  Fear.  Insane jealousy... Hahaha...  Oh, this all sounds oh so familiar, doesn't it?  Yes... Yes indeed.  What a fool I am.  Why do I even allow people to become close to me?!  WHY?!  Everyone!  EVERYONE who has been close to me has hurt me!  God damnit!  I hate this!  I hate feeling this way!  I hate feeling this for someone who I shouldn't feel it for!  What the hell is wrong with me?!  Why do I keep doing this to myself?!  I hate what I've become...  I hate these feelings...  But most of all... I hate this.  I hate the fact that the only place I can even attempt to release my feelings is some stupid fucking webpage!  I hate this fucking typing!  I can't stand it anymore!  I want to scream aloud so bad that I have to bite my tongue to stop myself!
    Everyday...  And everynight...  I find my thoughts turned towards death.  So much so that it has become an obsession.  I long for death so strongly that my body trembles eagerly at the mere thought.  The question is no longer if I want to do this... But how....  How...
 

Wednesday, August 29 10:33 pm

    I had a chat with Huw the other day...  I felt a lot better after talking to him, thought that maybe everything was going to be better...  But when I woke up the next day, I was feeling the same as before, worse even...  I've...  I've already ended a friendship.  I cannot say for sure why I ended it, and already I'm regretting it...  I don't know...  I think I'm just afraid that I'm going to force a closeness with people if I don't push them away...  I don't know...  All my thoughts are a chaotic whirlwind of things that just don't make sense...  I'm just beginning to feel like I cause harm wherever I go...  Like I'm some sort of walking vortex of choas and misfortune...  As ludicrous as that sounds.
    If Irony were a physical person...  I would piss in their eye and hew limb from limb.  Dave visited me today...  We made plans to rent a movie and smoke a quarter.  I didn't mind the idea much, I really needed a distraction anyways.  Well, I go inside to put on my boots...  And leave it to that damn moron to do something completely fucking stupid within that small time frame.  He extracted the flash powder out of a potent firework, and made a pile of it out on the patio.  The moron... The completely fucking stupid moron...  Takes out his lighter... And -lights- the damn powder!  The resulting flash explosion blew the lighter out of his hand, sending it flying 15 feet away, the flash shot straight into his face, singing his hair, he's lucky the flash didn't affect his eyes.  His most serious injury, other than his pride, was the hand he held the lighter in.  Apparently the intense heat of the explosion instantaneously seared a few layers of flesh off from his thumb, and blackened most of the skin on his forefinger.  Normally...  I would have laughed...  And as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't.  Rather, I was filled with a great sinking depression...  My only friend...  Who doesn't even treat me as if I were...  Is a moron.  He's inconsiderate, an asshole, antagonistic, disloyal, and ultimately a moron.  My only friend has not one redeeming quality in him...  And this is it... My one friend...  The only friend I have in the physical sense...  I don't even like him, but I still keep him around, and I don't understand why.  After feeling depressed, I even began to feel angry...  Damnit, he's stupid!  I knew sooner or later his pyroantics would get someone injured...  He's nearly injured me too many times to count.  In my mind, he had it coming to him.  But this is a friend I'm talking about... How can I feel so antipathic towards a -friend-?!  Though my feelings are unchanged... The mere thought that I just don't care...  I don't know, it somehow horrifies me.  Like...  I don't know...  As if I'd lost a piece of myself...  A part of what makes me human.  *sigh*
    I wish... I so wish I could accurately describe what I'm thinking and what I am feeling...  But no matter how hard I try...  I can never find the words.  The word "pain" cannot even begin to properly describe it.  Everyday... My calm exterior cracks a little more...  Everyday, the people around me are finally beginning to notice that there is something wrong with me.  Despite how emotional and melodramatic I can be here...  In person, I'm the quietest person I have ever known.  "Cool-headed", "all together", and even "Spocklike" are all words that have been used to describe me.  My cousin even has this running joke where he does impressions of me.  "This is JJ normal" (straight face) "This is JJ when he's mad" (straight face) "This is JJ when nuclear war erupts around him" (straight face).  But only if they could see what goes on inside of me...  If my turmoil could be properly represented as a facial expression, I do believe that my eyes would melt in a bloody and gooey mess, and my mouth would expand to swallow my own head whole.
    I don't know...  August... Foul accursed month that it is... Is nearly over with.  And with September approaching, the foul heat of Summer will be pushed aside by the welcoming embrace of Autumn... Though...  I suppose I'll be living in Louisiana come fall...  I don't know how their seasons work down there...  Though I suppose it's generally hot year round...  Ah, damnit...
 

All works, including artwork and writing are copyright Jed J. Casper (Draconis) and may not be used unless expressed permission is given to do so.  (c) 2000