Sunday, October 14, 2001 4:10 am

        This entry has been long delayed... Because it is going to be very... Very hard for me to make.  I have been putting it off because I haven't been able to deal with it... Not that I can now...  But let's proceed, shall we?
        I think I've finally done it...  I've fully alienated a friend who I cared so much about...  Too much, really...  I guess that's why I do these things...  Because I am so quick to want to form deep bonds with people I hardly know...  People I've never even met!  So I drive my self crazy in a hailstorm of stupidity and emotions, and they just have no idea what is going on, and they come to think I am someone who is beyond help, and then they lose patience with me and that is the last I ever hear from them...  It's nothing new...  I know that I have the power to stop it...  I have the knowledge to stop it...  But despite this, I still cannot overcome my fear and explosive emotions...  And so I lose everyone I care about.  I am so sick of losing people...  I am so tired of living in the obscure...  This isolation is slowly killing me...  Everytime I make a friend, I destroy that same friendship with my uncontrolled emotional stupidity...  I just feel so powerless about it.
        The world I live in has become increasingly disgusting...  Hate is justified...  Whenever I go out in public, I am met the with accusing glares of an entire society turned against me...  I don't even look like a terrorist!  But I just have the gall to not go along with the raving tide of bloodlust...  I dare to not conform, as if the tragedy of last month should have shown me the error of my ways.  I am glared down upon as if I am the enemy...  I always expect at any moment to be assailed by some self-righteous lunatic or another...  But I am not afraid...  And if they go so far as to kill me...  All the better...  I don't care anymore.  But I can't take the stares anymore...  It's as if everyone is saying, "Yes, you ARE alone!  You will ALWAYS be alone!  You DESERVE to be alone!" without even saying any actual words.  That is what hurts me...
        This whole thing...  It's so surreal to me because it's almost like I saw this coming... In a sense.  A lot of the things that happened beforehand in the world...  I've talked about it before...  The "puzzle pieces".  The last thing I want to sound like is some raving mad doomsayer...  But...  I can't even explain it, really.  But before it happened, certain events in the world gave me a "feeling".  I never -predicted- that a terrorist attack would happen, or that any attack would would happen... But I -did- feel that these things were "puzzle pieces" or warnings, or... Something...  Something saying that something really terrible was going to happen.  I swear it sounds so stupid and delusional when I read what I am typing... But it can't change the way I feel.  And it's been bothering me even more...  Because the terrorist attack, rather than being the culmination of all these pieces, feels to me to just be yet ANOTHER piece, albeit a much larger one...  So the question remains... Where will this then lead us?  All of us?  Because I have the distinct feeling that whatever will happen, won't be isolated to a single locale...  What does that mean?  I can't possibly know...  The "End of the World"?  No...  I'm not even inclined to believe in such things.  Ha... That would just be wishful thinking anyways.  I don't know what it means...  But what I have been seeing everyday, the ongoing deaths of innocents, the indifference, the bloodlust that seems like it will never be able to be sated...  By pure logic alone one can see that nothing good will ever amount from any of it...
        On to another subject...  My stepfather has been in New Orleans for a couple weeks now...  So I suppose it looks as if that's where I will soon be headed afterall.  Back to the former subject...  His bags were all hand searched.  They confiscated a can of spray paint... Yet they missed the razor-sharp utility knife...  Our "Homeland Security" at work, ladies and gentleman.  Also, while he was at the airport, there was a group of 4 young "Arabian looking" men there.  My stepfather overheard a woman say, "They should know better than to walk around in groups like that."  If I looked Middle Eastern what-so-ever, I would not be caught dead out in this now hostile world alone... Because if I were caught, I would indeed be dead...  Ignorance...
        But back to New Orleans...  I don't know...  I was originally excited... But...  Everything has seemed to have lost it's appeal for me now...  I keep trying to fill the voids in my life with useless things... Games...  Hobbies...  Art...  And now a change in location...  But all of these things are completely useless to me if I have no one to share them with...  And I will never have that unless I can get better...  But with the passing of each and every day...  I seem only to get worse.
        I just miss my friends...  With such a great passion do I miss them that it's all I think about...

Monday, October 15, 4:37 pm

        I can't stand living anymore...  I'm staring at where I hid the pills...  I don't want to live.  My friends are gone and my family despises me.  I have nothing to give to this world and it has nothing for me.
        I was in the bathroom, when I overheard my little "brother" talking about me...  He said, "He doesn't have to do anything around here but sit on his butt", and, "Oh, he's 18, he gets to do whatever wants", and "He thinks he's so perfect" among other things.  That was the straw...  I've been trying so hard to get along with him despite the fact that he is a little ignorant prick...  I flew out of the bathroom, and I kicked him over with my boot, the look in his eyes were sheer terror.  I asked him if he had anything to say about me, and he lied and said that he didn't say anything...  Had he not lied... Then maybe I wouldn't have been so mad...  I grabbed him by the shirt and shook him, I was so tempted to start hitting him, and hitting him, and not stop until he bled.... But I didn't.  I dropped him to the ground...  There was a bunch of shouting...  I left and came back into my room.  He threw a screwdriver at my door, clearly saying that he wanted some more... So I came out and pushed him prone onto a futon, at which point he pulled another screwdriver out of his pants and came at me with it with blind and furious hatred in his eyes.  He said, "I'll fucking kill you!"  Had my mother not jumped in right then, he would have stabbed me, or at least try to.  Not that I care...  Maybe I would just let him stab me...  And if I were lucky, I would die...  I don't care anymore...  There's nothing left for me...

All works, including artwork and writing are copyright Jed J. Casper (Draconis) and may not be used unless expressed permission is given to do so.  (c) 2000