-The Unnatural Putrefaction of the Humann Soul-

        WE LIVE IN A NUCLEAR SOCIETY

     Welcome to the fallout...

    November's stuff is here.
        And here are my entries for  December.
        Here's January.
       And now February...
       Oh, fucking luck 'o' the fucking Irish!  It's  MARCH!!!
       April...
       Yay, it's May...
       Hmm... June?
      I fucking hate JULY
      Could it be?  Yes, it's  AUGUST!
      It's time for September...
      Scary stuff!!! OcToBeR!!! OooooOOoooOO!
        Here's all the STUPID stuff that I've done.
      Well, here's NOVEMBER
    Not one, but TWO months! April - May
     June (part the second)

    And my poetry remains up: -POEMS-
 

Thursday, July 26, 9:59 pm

        I am so so so so tired.  I know it's not all that late...  But I haven't been sleeping as of late.  And yeah, I -know-...  I haven't updated the site in nearly a month...  But I just couldn't.  I mean, I could...  But mentally, spiritually, or whatever... I couldn't.  Well...  Have you ever felt so bad before that you couldn't talk about how you were feeling.  At all, to anyone, or anywhere, not even being able to face your feelings yourself without feeling even worse.  Well, yeah...  That's how I feel.
        Most of my family have been out of town, my mom, stepdad, baby siblings, and Tanya all left to Washington this morning, while my Grandparents just got home last night (curses!).  I've been pondering what to do for two weeks other than enjoy the silence.  Cassy and Jake didn't leave, and with my Grandparents being here, any sort of party is out of the question.  Oh yeah, I don't have any friends either.  Table for one!  *sigh*
        Speaking of "friends"...  Asshole Dave ditched me twice last week.  The first time he did he came up with a lame excuse, the second time he didn't even have to bother as he left on holiday for a week.  He got back today though...  But I've not seen nor heard from him.  I believe he said he wanted to go see Planet of the Apes with me when he got back.  Pity pity, I doubt that plan will come to fruition.  He'll probably end up spending his time with his "kewler" friends instead... Or whatever... Bah.
        My sister and I got into a deep discussion earlier.  We covered everything from drugs, to politics, to days gone by, to sex and relationships, to just about everything else.  She confessed some things to me, and she thought what she did was so horrible.  She confessed to making out with guys at the club, and getting drunk.  Was no big deal to me, though I verily appreciated that she would confide in me...  I wanted to confess things to her too...  To tell her -everything-.  But even thinking about it was bringing tears to my eyes...  I just thought about the shock, pity and even shame she would have in her eyes if I told her about everything.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I don't know how much longer I can hold it in like this...
        Well, as I said, the house is nearly empty.  I was left with $200, but none of it is really for me.  I went grocery shopping today and nearly spent half of it, and that was just for one week.  Shopping at the nearby grocery store here is fairly entertaining.  I don't know what it is about this particular store, but it attracts all kinds of...  Uh...  People.  For some reason beyond my comprehension, it is -the- place to be if you're a polygamistt.  There is not -one- time that I've been there where there wasn't flocks of them around.  Just the women and the youngest children, of course.  The "men" too afraid to show their hides, probably busy fucking their teen daughters and making even more inbred children.  *sigh*  Utah...
        It's storming outside somewhat.  The smell of the rain is wafting in through my window.  Such a lovely smell, almost intoxicating.
        I've...  Been having these feelings.  Though I don't know why I bother bringing it up, because I can't divulge too much info.  Really, I can't divulge any at all.  If I were to do so, it would ruin a lot of things irrepairably...  All I can say is that I've never experienced this before, and I don't know why I am experiencing it now, or why...  Well, I better leave that part unsaid (untyped?).  Suffice to say, it has been wreaking havoc with me.  Tearing me apart, if you will.  In my mind, I know for a fact that it's all completely foolish, and that I am only going to destroy myself, but I can't keep myself from feeling this way.  And it's all just ludicrous, and stupid, and completely ridiculous and twisted and painful...  Fuck!  It makes me so angry!  I don't understand what is so fucked with my head for me to feel this way!  I swear I am just the butt of God's huge fucking joke.  That's the sad thing, really...  When I look back on all of this, I see how ironic all of it is, and I cannot help but laugh.  Laugh myself into tears, anyway.  But I just keep thinking, "Hey!  Things could be worse!", and I berate myself for being a sniveling coward.  And then they get worse.  And worse and worse and worse.  I feel like a bungling idiot that will forever stumble into tragedy...
        I am possibly moving to New Orleans in a matter of months.  I don't know how to feel about it, nice change of scenery and pace I suppose.  I've actually always wanted to live there...  Guess this is my chance.  Huw (my friend) says that I'll find acceptance in the exceedingly large goth scene (at least that's what I've been told) that resides there.  But I don't think that will be the case...  I've never really been accepted, it's really a foreign idea to me.  I've always thought to be accepted you had to make yourself into something that other people would find well... "Acceptable".  That just never sat well with me, and having to constantly move as a kid kept me from seeking out friends anyway.  Even when I do make friends...  I always feel like I care a lot more about that person than they care about me.  And really...  That's always the case.  Take my "friend" Dave for example...  Known him for most of my life, I've always been there for 'im, and I've -never- once asked the same.  In fact, I've long come to expect him to leave me hanging in my hour of need...  Heh, I remember this one time...  I was trying to set his loser ass up with my ex's cousin.  That was the last time I saw my ex, coincidentally....  In any case, my ex has this "friend" of her's show up.  Some complete fucking twit named Laine or some such.  We were walking towards the theater when this dude shows up, and starts stomping all aggro like towards me, and in a simultaneous and fluid movement, Dave the Brave separated from my side and swiftly made his way from the conflict. *rolls eyes*  Thanks for the backup, mate...  Heh, I remember what transpired afterward...  He stomps up to me, looking like a total "urban hippie" (an urban hippie being someone who -claims- to be a hippie, but they're really just rich brats looking for an excuse to do drugs), folds his arms and glares at me from behind his shades...

"So...  You Magen's (my ex) new beau?"

"No (gruffly... Or more accurately... Moronically), I'm just a close personal friend."

"...Whatever.  That's cool."

        Then he stomps away and plops himself down on the steps and mumbles something that he apparently meant to be threatening at me, though he didn't dare to say it loud enough for me to discern what was said, only that it ended with the word "ass".  I stood there for a minute and waited for him to open his big mouth again, but luckily (for him of course) he didn't, and thus his blood was spared.  I went into the movie theater and sidestepped into a different (and better) movie, not wanting to be around them, as it hurt to see my ex behaving in such a manner.  We would have been fine, if it were not for asshole Dave, he's always starting fights for me then running away when the actual fighting starts.  He runs off and tells this Laine character, "Uh, I don't think my friend likes you much."  And sure enough, he comes back with this moron in tow.

"You got a fucking problem with me?!"

"Huh?"

"If you got something to say just say it!"

"Huh?"

"....Just stay the fuck away from me!"

"...Sure.  *shrugs*"

    I went into the other theater to tell Dave I was leaving, and this dude gets -really- irate.  Actually getting up from his chair and advancing towards me in a threatening manner!  Ooooo!

Girls, "No Laine!  Don't!  Sit down!  No!"

Me, "Yeah Laine, no... Don't.  Don't do it.  Oh no."

    Then the dumbfuck sits back down.

Me, "Awww... C'mon, what's the matter?"

Laine, "Just get the fuck away from me!!!"

    So I left after that.  My ex called me the day after and said, "You're lucky you left, because Laine went walking around outside looking for you.  He would have kicked your ass!" ...Right.  That was an obvious lie, as we were ourselves outside the theater, and if he thought he could have kicked my ass, he would have been sorely (and I do mean -sorely-) mistaken.  Bah...  Now I'm all in testosterone mode...  I want to kick someone's ass... Hmm...  Wonder what Dave's doing...?