Sunday, September 02 2:17 am

    I am worried about what I am to become...  Everyday, I find myself slipping closer and closer to this intangible edge...  The edge where I fall and am swallowed by dark abyss, and I am me no longer...  I knew this day would come, however... I've known for a long time.  I foolishly allowed myself to bottle up my emotions... To seal them off...  And now that bottle is breaking...  I feel as if I am on the constant verge of exploding anger...  I find that I am so angry that the feeling transcends simple emotion and is so powerful that my whole body stings and burns...  With the -physical- sensation of anger...  There are moments, where I find that I have suddenly ceased to care.  I couldn't care whether I live or die...  Or even if others do...  And I am truly afraid of what I might do were I to completely lose control...  And while I still have my presence of mind...  I don't think I could allow myself to do anything...  Even if it means destroying myself.  I have come close too many times now...  So close that I cry tears afterward realizing what I had just about done...  I've hidden the sleeping pills from my view, so as to forget about them...  But I still remember opening that bottle...  And pouring the tiny caplets out into my palm.  Such a small amount, yet easily fatal...  It wouldn't be such a bad way to go, I imagine...  I'd finally get my wish... To fall asleep and to never wake again...  Just the other day, I was tracing the tip of my dagger across my wrists...  And watched with great interest as the tissues underneath the skin twinged with anticipation...  I fancied the geyser of lifeblood that would pulse from my arteries as I looked on in morbid fascination...  I even pictured smearing my blood like crimson paint over the walls in one great and glorious mural of death...  But that voice of reason still clings to me...  Keeping me from going through with it.  Though I suspect my voice of reason doesn't even know why it bothers anymore either...
    I have a song from Chrono Cross in loop right now...  I remember just laying my head on my desk, listening to it, the song in sync with a girl miles upon miles away.  We sat like that for many hours, not even speaking...  And I felt connected with her...  heh...  So foolish...  All of it, really...  To allow a song from a silly videogame to affect me as such... To allow myself to feel such emotions for a person I've never even seen...  To allow myself to feel such emotions at all...  Huw told me to delete this song, and much as I would love to oblige him...  I can't seem to do it.  Much the same as when I buried my first love's necklace that she gave to me...  It is away from my eyes and my reach, never to be seen nor touched by me again...  But it's never really gone.
    Oftimes, I worry about my sanity...  And then oftimes, I will think, "You have got to be crazy to think you are insane"....  And I just now fully appreciate the cruel fucking irony in that.
    Day by day, I withdraw more and more...  Soon, I'm sure I'll disappear...  If anything, it's what I am good at...

Tuesday, September 04 2:49 am

    As you all know, I've been greatly limiting my online presence as of late...  It's rather funny, really...  I wake up, get on the computer, then check my email.  There's usually nothing there.  Then I sit there and stare at the screen for awhile, and I think, "Okay...  Now what am I going to do the rest of the day?".  Heh...  By not getting online, I've found that my life has vanished.  Getting online, chatting, reading, writing...  Composed the largest chunk of my life...  How completely fucking sad can you be?!  I don't even have a real life...  I barely even -exist-...  I guess it's nothing neew, though...  Through my own volition, I've existed in the realm of obscurity for years now...  Every now and then, I try getting out, but someone's always there to kick me back...  i don't know...  I guess that's still my own damn fault.  I just wish I could have someone here to talk to... It'd help so much...  But  I suppose having to rely on someone isn't going to solve anything at all.  I hope New Orleans will be the fresh slate that I am desperately looking for.
    People have begun to realize that I'm not quite right in the head...  And it seems as if everyone's opinion of me has dropped considerably.  Though they are of course justified...  It still hurts...  A lot...  But again...  It's all my fault.  I was having a conversation with a couple of fellows just a tick ago...  I was talking about my fucked up family life, and the question was asked if I served at "The Father Figure" in my "father"'s absence.  And I realized that yes...  I suppose I have been thrust into that role...  And then I thought of the poor poor job I am doing, and how I must be fucking up the lives of those around me...

    As if I didn't have enough guilt...

Saturday, September 08 6:23 am

    I think...  I fucked up...  I asked a particularly probing question of Huw...  That I did not want to ask, but in light of the suddenly rapid pace of recent events...  I felt that I could not leave it unasked.  I think perhaps went too far...  And now I'm afraid I might have irrepairably damaged things...  I haven't recieved a response from him, and I had been expecting a swift one...  But...  I dunno...  I'm just really worried now.
    As if I didn't have enough things to worry about...  I'm also afraid that I might have damaged my heart when I overdosed on that ephedra...  I saw a news report today about it... Ephedra...  And how the FDA is working fast to ban it from shelves.  Apparently, there have been over 80 heart attacks that have stemmed from it's use.  You might think I am just being paranoid...  But ever since I od'ed...  Every now and then I feel a brief twinge of pain in the area of my heart.  I chose to ignore it before...  Really because I was in denial.  But seeing that report got me really worried...  But I'm too afraid to do anything about it...  I don't want to see the look on my family's faces...  I would honestly rather die of a heart attack... And maybe that's just exactly what will happen...  Maybe...  That's just for the better anyway..
    My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks...  Heh...  I'm gonna be 20 now...  20...  I can't believe that...  I remember when I was young..  And my uncle was living in the room I am in now...  I remember the day he turned 20...  I thought to myself, "Man... 20 years old and all he does is hole himself up in that room.  He's kind of a loser."  Hahaha... That's so fucking ironic that it makes me seriously want to cry...  I bet my little brother thinks that same thing about me...  I wonder if I am to wind up just as my uncle...  Living in poverty, married to an abusive woman who I can't stand, living with her bible thumping redneck family... Hahaha...  No... No...  Marriage will never be in my future...  I doubt I'll live long enough to find anyone who can stand to look at me...
    More than anything though...  I am just worried about what Huw is feeling...

Tuesday, September 11 2:53 am

    I can't pretend anymore...  It's as if I can't even remember how I did it...  I tried pretending today...  But I just couldn't.  I can't do it anymore.  I can't.  I just can't pretend.  It just doesn't work... It's so fucking transparent that it only serves to amplify the fact...  I'm at the point where I just want to scream.  Just scream out loud what everyone has been suspecting.  To let them know that their hunches were correct.  To acknowledge the fact that I am not at all a well person.  I don't care anymore...  The pretending is going to kill me.
    My life nearly flashed before my eyes last night...  Dave had me ride down to the local gas station with him...  Problem was that he had a few beers and a couple bowls of marijuana in him...  Though I guess this is nothing new...  He drives like an asshole anyways...  But this made it particularly frightful.  I just kept thinking what it would be like to die like this...  And I found that I didn't care.

Thursday, September 13 10:45 am

    My last entry was done only a couple of hours before something terrible unfolded.  I am sure you know what I am talking about, but just in case...  I am talking about the hijackers that flew passenger planes into the World Trade Center and Pentagon.  I've been collecting my thoughts on the matter for the past couple of days...  To me, it seems as if time suddenly stopped, and it is still the day that it happened.  I was sitting here at my computer (where else would I be?), and flipping through channels when I just happened to flip over to the morning news just as the live footage was coming in from New York.  I saw one of the twin towers with a gaping hole in the side, smoke billowing everywhere.  The words "terrorist", "tragedy" and "plane crash" were being mentioned by the reporters, but none of it was really registering with me.  I was sort of at a loss for anything, for words, thought, or feeling.  I was just completely confused.  That is when the second plane came into view...  And I remember thinking, "Why is that plane flying so low?  I don't remember there being an airport in Manhattan."  Then that is when it crashed into the second tower...  I jumped back at the sight, and all at once there was a rush of mixed feelings.  The way the plane flew into the building...  Was so terrifying to me...  It just gave me a profound sense of -evil-.  It wasn't fear, or anger, or hatred that I was feeling... But I was sensing -evil-.  I knew instantly that thousands were dead.  Already I could see the tens of thousands of friends and families who had all just lost loved ones in an instant.  Then reports came in that the pentagon... The centre of America's military intelligence and operations... Of all places, was also hit.  At this point, I nearly expected planes to be dropping out of the sky everywhere at any given moment.  Soon, people by the dozens began jumping out of the towers...  Falling hundreds and hundreds of feet to their certain deaths...  Soon after that... The towers fell...  Collapsing on the brave people working to rescue people trapped inside... Rendering their efforts futile and all for naught...  The smoke and debris covered all of Manhattan like a great billowing cloud of Death itself.  This whole time I've barely been managing to bite back my tears.  This wasn't just an attack against America...  This was an attack against Humanity itself.
    I've become quite disappointed with my mother...  Who I find is making me angrier day by day...  The first thing she said upon seeing the burning towers was, "That's stupid".  And basically just passed it off as being yet another futile attempt by terrorists to strike fear into us all.  I was very mad that she downplayed the signifigance of it like that...  Later on, as she saw footage of people holding candle light vigils...  She tells me, "That makes me want to barf".  She has recently come to the "spiritual epiphany" that ALL of humankind are self-serving bastards, and to act like you aren't means that you are being totally self-righteous and that you're just trying to gain the admiration of others...  It makes me so angry that she can be so hypocritical...  Because whenever I point out the largely impious and self-serving acts of the Mormon Church she will relentlessly defend them on all fronts.  ...Hypocrit.
    Just now on the news I've heard a report that there have been bomb threats against the court house and city hall...  Bomb threats...  If I could find the person that is making them I would shove a railroad spike up their ass for scaring people with such lies.  As witnessed in every successful terrorist attack, you don't fucking call and make a threat BEFORE you bomb the place.  Doing such a thing will make it impossible to actually do such a thing.  Someone out there is just getting off on scaring people in a time where they can be easily scared... Fucking bastards...
    I've found myself in a very sticky situation...  You see, my mother is quite certain that she will be carted off to jail at any given moment...  This due to the fact that the grace period allowed to her to pay a traffic ticket has long since expired...  And so she has told me to be ready to take on her responsibilities when it happens...  Which...  Isn't going to be fun, to say the least.  This means that I will be responsible for getting the kids to and from school, feeding them, making sure they do homework, keeping track of them when the play with friends, paying bills, making sure my sister comes home on time, fend off the literal army of bill collectors that are assailing us...  Etc...  Etc....... ....Etc...  This couldn't have come at a worse time for everyone concerned.  Despite my newly found enmity for my mother, I definitely don't want to see her behind bars.
    My head is pounding with unyielding pain, and my neck feels like I've been sleeping on a sharp rock.  I'd like nothing more to go lie down now...  But I think I'm going to switch my schedual from the usual nocturnal cycle to something a little more day orientated...  If indeed my mother is locked away, I can't very well be sleeping all day when things need to be done, can I?

Tuesday, September 25 11:25 pm

    Well...  My mother isn't going to be locked away.  That's one thing I don't have to worry about...

    I've been thinking more and more about "America's New War"...  I am fairly sure there will be drafts done sometime in the future for this war...  And I've been thinking over the possibility the past couple weeks of myself getting drafted...  I've found that I'm almost praying for it...  At least my death would have a meaning that way.  As it stands, I'll eventually succumb to everything and give in...  Meaningless...  This is the likely scenario...  As I just realized today that even if I were drafted, I would be sent right the fuck back home.  I wouldn't even get past the initial physical...  I'm too fucking fat to die for my fucking country.  I am so FUCKING useless that I can't even DIE with meaning!
    My "father" is an asshole.  So I've dedicated a page to his assholedom which you can read here.
    My sister is getting married in November...  As soon as she turns 18... *sigh*  I don't even know what to say.  I've lost all ability to properly express my emotions right now...
    Speaking of weddings...  Huw is to wed Nyssa within perhaps a week...  If he hasn't already, that is...  I haven't spoken to him for a long time now...  Again......  I've lost all my ability to properly describe my emotions...
    I'm 20....  Being that my birthday was last Sunday...  I should have killed myself while I was a teenager.

    Happy birthday to me...  Happy...  What the fuck ever...

Sunday, September 30 2:21 am

        I've been doing a damn good job of avoiding everyone I care about...  To me... I don't see any other way.  I can't justify or even rationalize that thought...  In the midst of the lonliness I feel now, I cannot even begin to think of anything else...  Right now...  I am sitting here and listening.  Listening to the droning hum of the fan.  Listening to talk of wars, death, and suffering on my television.  Listening to the klick klack of the keyboards as my fingertips dance across it's surface.  Listening to the slow intake of my breath.  Listening to the evenpace beating of my heart.  Despite all of this noise...  I feel as if I am enshrouded in silence.  Almost as if any sound other than the voice of a friend, a voice gone unheard for so long that I do not remember if I heard it in the first place, does not even register with me as sound.  Dave...  He has visited me the past few nights...  He comes late at night to my window, and drums his fingers against the window.  Even thinking about that sound drives chills up my spine...  Even now, I half suspect him to arrive at my window at any given moment.  I am growing ever tired of his presence...  I have turned him and his offers down more than a few times this past month.  Even free drugs are looking to be not nearly enough reason for me to endure his presence.  Perhaps I am being a bit harsh and unfair...  I mean...  He's not done anything to truly harm me...  I don't know...  I suppose I am just tired of having friends who do not truly care for me.  I long for something deeper...  For someone who I can turn to and divulge my hopes and fears... And not be met with the scorn he has always given me.  I know that I can never have a relationship of this sort with Dave...  He is simply not interested in anything but the superficial...  And I guess I just resent him for that.
        Well well...  Silly stupid hope.  I now have serious doubts as to whether or not I shall be moving down to New Orleans anytime soon.... Or more accurately... EVER.  My stepfather, who is currently working out of state in Washington, is now attempting to dance around the subject whenever he is asked of it, leading me to believe that he doesn't at all believe he will find a job down there.  Before he left, he said "for sure" that he could find a job there, and now he is saying that he will call on Monday and tell us "for sure" whether or not we will be moving afterall.  So now I fear I may be stuck in Utah yet...  With the bombings, nukes, plagues, gasses, or whatever other weapons some random terrorist will choose to employ when the farce that is known as the Olympics arrive this winter...
        Winter in Utah...  Can there be a more despicable thing?  I say not...  The bright fluffy flakes of snow...  Children playing happily, making snow angels and building snowmen.  Santa Claus and... *shiver* ...Horse drawn carriages...   Horrible, horrible...  Pah....  Look at me, just into Autumn and already I cringe at the illusionary sound of jingle bells...  *cringe*  See?
        I don't know if I am paranoid.....  Or if everyone around me has suddenly become very concerned about my well being...  Or perhaps I am imagining that they are concerned at all?  I can make no judgements...  I've lost touch with people so much that I can no longer even tell if they are being sincere with me.
        I just yawned...  I have the urge to retire to bed and sleep...  But I dare not.  The time I spend lying in my bed before I succumb to sleep brings many of my worst feeling to bear.  While awake, I can distract my mind with this or that...  But lying there, I am left with nothing but my thoughts...  During this time the pain of things presses so hard on me that I almost feel as if I am being physically squeezed.  Like some ghastly specterous hand has hold of my heart and is squeezing the life from it.  It is during this time that I...  See things...  When I close my eyes and stare into the darkness behind them...  My imaginings seem to break free from my own control and impress upon me images of their own morbid will.  It's where I get my...  Inspiration... For my "art".
        It all sounds mad...  And...  When I think about these things... When I see these things...  I know it is.  That it is all mad...   That I am going mad.  That I am mad...  And I don't know what to do about it...  And I feel like I am gradually falling into a pit that I cannot see, but one that has no end and no way of escape...  And it is then...  When I lie in bed... Tortured as thus by my own thoughts...  That I begin to cry.  And the word...  The word "DEATH" enters my head...  And I hear it over and over again... So strong that sometimes I swear I must be saying it aloud...  And this is all I hear... All I think of...  Until the necessity of sleep finally overtakes my insanity.
        I just yawned again...  But I don't want to go to bed...  I don't want to be left with myself any more...