A Story Of Abortion

It's hard to go back to a time in my life that was so painfull. A time I have shut out for so long, 21 years to be honest, because I  did not want to remember anything about that day. Then I thought is was the answer to my problem. But it was just the begining of a new one. One that would be with me for the rest of my life......... You see my dream was to wait to have sex when I got married. I wanted to be pure and special for my husband. That dream never came true! I put myself in a situation with my boyfriend that I couldn't get out of. Not only did my dream not come true, I started a nightmare that has lasted 21 years. When I was late for my period I knew that I was pregnant. My heart and body knew, but it was my mind that did not want to believe it. When I told my boyfriend he said we could not have a baby now, because He wanted to go to school and his parents hated me. I was thinking what would everyone say or think of me. How selfish I was at that time.So many questions,  and thoughts were going on in my head. Then, what else could I do ! He came to get me early that morning, I had to be there for 7:00 am. It was so cold outside .He told me we had to go to the bank to get the money. It was only $150.00 to take care of this problem,but little did I know the cost was much greater. We never said a word there. It seemed like a very long drive, but it  only took 25 miniuts. When we got there I went in and he stayed in the car. I'm not sure if it was colder inside that place or outside.As I walked to the desk to check in my heart beat became louder and faster as if it was trying to tell me somthing. I did not use my real name that day in hopes it would all go away.As I set there waiting, a part of me began to die or change and I was never the same. When it was my turn to go to the back my heart began to beat even faster and harder again as if it was try to tell me  something." Stop please don't do this" They gave me a blue pill to take and  a gown to put on.She said don't worry it will all be over soon.... Again my heart began to scream out " don't please don't " with each thump. She said it was just a blop of tissue, it was not a baby and there was no life. but My Heart knew different, As she laied me on the table and that Man came in I began to cry out loud " please stop I have changed my mine and I don;t want to do this, And he said laid down and shut up . He told his nurse to lay over me and hold me still, and she didi !!  Then I felt the pain and heard that sound "Oh that sound........ And it was then that I died inside and became someone else. Never to be the same. I began to live a lie and living a lie I was  a Lie!!!!! For the next 10 years someone had to pay for this and that someone had to be me. So I went to work for a Dentist were I had to hear that SOUND day after day after day.  Night after night I heard my baby cry and he was no were to be found. I would get out of bed to look for him, but he wasn't there. If I would have only known the truth, You see  my heart did.

    A Story on Miscarriage

I sat and rocked as I listened to another woman telling her My heart raced and tears fell as she forced out the words to describe her pain.  As she told her story, she described herself doubled over in pain as she sat in the bathroom at work.  She described how she was bleeding, flooding, and cramping.  I could see the fear in her eyes  as she told about losing her baby.  As she looked down into the toilet and realized her baby  was no longer  a part of her, she flushed the toilet and fell to the floor and wept.  Like a dam bursting open, my memories began to flood back.  I remembered passing my first child while taking a bath. I didn't even know I was pregnant.  The small round didn't even know I was pregnant.  The small round tissue that passed from my body scared me.  I seemed to know right away that it must have been a baby.  I showed my husband and called the doctor.  My husband felt the same way.  What else could it be?  The doctor told me to throw it away, that my body was just cleaning itself out.  I struggled in my heart as I let it roll from my hand into the toilet.  I wanted to reach in and get it out.  What could I do with it?  I could not keep it in a jar or bury it in the yard.  I had no other choice.  So I decided to flush and forget.  I closed the lid, turned out the light, and shut the door.  Also shutting the door of my heart and deciding to ignore that this had ever happened.  After all, all women  miscarry sometime. About four years later we decided to start our family.  I became pregnant and carried my child for 9 weeks.  Again I miscarried in the tub.  Again I lifted out of the water a small round piece of bloody flesh.  I knew that it was my baby, because the doctor had just told me at my previous visit, that my hormone levels of progesterone were too low to carry the baby.  He told me that I would miscarry any day.  Again, I struggled  with what to do with this small part of me.  Again I flushed it down the toilet, closed the lid, and decided to forget and try again.  I pushed away the pain and closed the door of my heart again.  What else could a mother do, who had just flushed her own flesh and blood (my baby)? Life went on.  Until the day when this beautiful,  hurting,  woman opened her heart of pain to me, causing the door of my heart to burst open.  Her painful past resurrected my broken heart so the healing could begin.

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