posted by Carolyn Ohme at 11:59PM

Since my last breakdown lots of life has happened. Some good and some not-so-good. Per usual. Funny how I look back in my schedule book to see what I have done the past couple of weeks and I even had to schedule in prayer time. Nice. Funny how I don't remember accomplishing that goal very well. After a couple of weeks of teeth hell, I have been finally able to get back to "normal" as far as my mouth issues go. I have been able to start my running program again without pain and my gums are getting back to their usual formation. Happiness. I'm really glad that's over. It was so not a good time.

Had quite a few shows going on. I'll talk about them as we go on, but on Friday, September 29th we hosted the last Upward Trend show with Colourslide (from Gville) and Kissing Karma at Studio Cafe for our first full band night. It wasn't as smooth as I thought it might go, but we learned a lot and got through it with great friends and family who supported the night. It was quite a packed house, but unfortunately not as successful compensation-wise as we would have hoped.

There were lots of set-backs from that show. Professional and personally, but I learned a lot from those challenges and situations and hopefully will be putting a lot of that experience into play for future situations.

Cali and I went to see the Jonas Brothers play at AKA Lounge and it was so good to see them again. Frankie was just as adorable as the months before and seemed really happy to see me, as did the rest of the clan. They treated us like VIPs that night and we had a great time seeing them preform live for the first time. They rocked the venue and everyone was participating and really into the show. I was so proud. I even got a shout out :) Thanks Nick! "I wanna see everyone dancing to this song, even you Carolyn!" Aww. I heart my boys!

After the show, we hung out a bit and then said our "see ya laters" until I picked them up the next two days to play at Disney. After leaving them, I met up with a friend and hung out for awhile. It was a nice walk in the park, but with conversations I didn't want to have. I am apparently not all that strong on my convictions though and wasn't as productive as I could have been. I need to learn how to be stronger, but it's hard when the situation just makes me so weak.

Had the Jonas Brothers on tour the next two wonderful days and we had a blast discovering Disney all over again. Good times as usual with one of my top favorite tours. *grin* B's birthday was October 2nd. Happy Birthday my friend! I heart you! Glad I remembered it on the right day!

Got through the rest of the week working hard to earn some extra bucks for my Cali trip coming up. I pretty much did as much as I could dealing with Food and Wine and DU. I had a couple of F&W tours with fun Chefs and their families. It was good times per usual. I really enjoy working the F&W Festival every year.

In preparation for my Cali trip, I had yet another (but mini) breakdown the Monday night before leaving (Mon, October 9th). I was suppose to go to the Blue Martini to see the Tom Sartori band and of course Fish, but instead I was trying to pack and get organized, all the while completely freaking out because of my continous money challenges and just not feeling like attempting the trip with no finances. I kinda gave up on a few things and just fell into a hole for that night. I stayed up pretty late and got packed and tried to ignore my issues, but they kept coming back up like a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away.

I woke up the next morning with a bit more control and headed out to Cali's house to meet her at 6:30am to head out to the airport. I met up with a friend beforehand at Starbucks (the start of my addiction that con'ts through today) and said goodbye...in more ways than one, but without knowing it or realizing it until recently. Things happen for a reason. It was good to have that moment before I left.

Tony dropped Cali and I off at the airport for our 8:15am flight that turned into a 9:15am flight due to a cancellation so we headed to Starbucks for a nice warm refreshment and chat before rushing to our terminal. I felt better about my situation by that time and was able to be excited about my trip for the first time since we began planning it.

We had tons of magical moments from the start of our trip at the airport all through til the end of our vacation. It was really nice to finally be on the other side of the magical moments and being able to appreciate them at the level that they were given. A lot of people were gracious to us and we were able to make our second flight in Atlanta right in time after being switched with our seating on our first flight. All things that happened made it so we could get to Cali on time and it wouldn't have been possible otherwise. It was definitely noticed and appreciated.

We arrived in Cali around 12:30 in the afternoon, their time and picked up our rental car right away. We were hoping for a convertable, but as it turned out our Mazda slightly mini-van like was perfect for the trip. We needed the space and it was pretty trendy although Cali will swear to this day that it was a mini-van and she didn't appreciate that. *grin* I enjoyed just having our own means of transportation even if it costed half of my arm.

We went straight to Coronado Beach and visited the Hotel Del Coronado for our first spot and it was awesome. I was already falling in love with the weather (it was nice and cool) and the beach was inviting. The palm trees calmed me and it felt like home. I immediately placed my bare feet in the cold pacific ocean and called my mom while doing so to let her know that I was thinking of her at that very moment.

After walking around the boardwalk and enjoying the sites, Cali and I headed to Ralphs and Henrys (two amazing whole food type stores on the West Coast) to stock up on healthy and cheaper foods for the next couple of days and then met up with her sister-in-law and bro at their apartment, our home for the next couple of days in San Deigo.

My routine became very apparent within the first couple of days. I got up at the ass crack of dawn (5:30am every morning) due to the crazy jet lag that I was experiencing and went running around their neighborhood. The weather was amazing and the air was so clear. I was in heaven running, even up the crazy hills. It was nice to have a different type of pace, different environment and weather climates to experience. After my run in the morning, I would eat breakfast and Cali and I would head to the closest Starbucks (there is pretty much one on every single corner in all of California, I figured out) and I would get my venti coffee (I know, original right?) and we would experience whatever that day had to offer. At times, we would run at night. It depended on our schedule, but either way, it was a great routine and I miss it already.

I got to meet Cali's Nana, who cracked me up. She spoke minimal English while I was there, but I enjoyed listening to her communicate with Cali and see how happy she was that we were visiting. As we were leaving, Cali's Nana taught me some very valuable Spanish. She bascially told Cali to "eat shit" in a loving way, which I found really amusing. My nana or grandparents or parents for that matter would never say that. Sometimes I wish they would be that relaxed. We laughed and enjoyed it. It was great!

On Wednesday, Chuck (Cali's bro), Cali and I headed across the border to Tijuana. We walked across and thankfully Chuck was there to remind us to turn off our cellphones. Going four hours without it was certainly harder than I expected, but it beats having to pay for crazy international rates without realizing it. So I figured out that the only Spanish that any American will learn in Mexico is "no gracious senior" over and over again. Everyone is trying to sell you something. "We've got hammocks" etc. etc. Craziness. I could not find one churro in Mexico though. All I wanted was a 99 cent Corona and a churro, but guess it was a good thing that I didn't find it. I didn't need it and didn't need to spend the money either. I did however pay a whopping 30 cents to use the facilitites as I expected, but at least they were clean and I had unlimited use of toliet paper, which I was limited to when I visited Mexico times before on The Rock Boat.

Cali and Chuck took me to a restaurant that they had gone to every Sunday afternoon for seven years while living in Tijuana with their parents, Las Speciale. It was really good. I tried to order in Spanish and although my effort was there, the waiter just spoke to me in English to get me to hurry. I was slightly disappointed, but I tried.

Thursday, we drove up to Anaheim to meet up with Cali's cousins Becky and Robert. Their apartment was super cute and the parking lot amused us and kept us entertained for a majority of the morning. Their cars were stacked in spaces. Each apartment had two spaces and the first car would drive up on this lift, use a key and press a button to have the lift rise with the car on it above the second space which would be for the second car to drive in under the lift. I had never seen anything like it before. Funny thing is apartments that only housed one car seemed to use the lift as a carport or garage to store items like tools, etc. We laughed and took pictures of the ones that stored items thinking it was quite a silly thing to do, but I guess efficient.

After collecting Becky after her class, we headed to Disneyland to meet up with my friend Kate. Got into Disneyland with minimal issues and immediately headed to City Hall to meet up with Dean who gave us a personalized tour of Walt's apartment. It was one of my favorite moments of the entire trip. Thanks Trent for setting that up! It was amazing to actually sit on what he utilized as his bed and see where he and Lillian entertained the VIPs of the park. What a cool experience.

We headed to California Adventure and did Turtle Talk, Tower Of Terror (which I thought was much better than ours), Monster's Inc., the Ferris Wheel (which was very entertaining to watch Cali througout), a ride that reminded me of our Primevil Whirl) and then headed back to Disneyland to do Pirates of the Caribbean (which was twice as long as ours), Haunted Mansion (amazing!), Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Pinocchio & Space Mountain (could have slept through it). We were able to visit the Grand California Resort and see their version of DSA (thanks again to Trent) and met Hector, Robin and a couple of the coordinators. The office was tiny, but it was great to be welcomed in and good to meet the West Coast version of us. We had a small amount of time to do all of that, but it was great and worth every moment. I had a great time and honestly didn't expect to enjoy it all as much as I did, but I loved everything about the entire day!

Friday we drove up to West LA to visit Newport Beach and walk around the boardwalk. We walked on the pier and spoke to some locals. Got to stop in the shops and see the pricey items for sale. It was nice to relax and be by the beach again. Just being near the palm trees makes me happy. We rocked on parking and got lucky with everywhere we had been so far so it was also a cheap way to visit the coast. Good times!

Drove further to meet up with Cali's other cousin LV aka "Precious". We got there a bit later than planned and was looking up information for the evening's activites which included seeing the Jonas Brothers preforming at The Knitting Factory in LA. Turns out that they were playing earlier than we had expected and as Cali read further into the schedule that night it stated that Tony Lucca's CD Release Party was that night starring Joe Firstman and friends. AH! I heart Tony Lucca and I had yet to see Joe Firstman live in person. I about flipped right then and there. So thankfully they decided to humor me and make plans to go ahead and plan to go to both shows that night.

We got ready and although we left early, we were still cutting it super close to arriving on time due to crazy traffic, one way streets, lack of parking and no clue of where the venue was actually. Thankfully I got in touch with Julie and she was walking to work at Virigin which happened to be only two blocks down from The Knitting Factory so she got us there right on time. We would have never had found that venue had it not be for her walking us there. It was hidden and tucked into the smallest of places with no label whatsoever from the outside. Thankfully, Kevin had set me up with four VIP passes so I could get us all in for free, including Julie. Nice! Magical moment yet again, without even realizing it.

Julie stayed a bit before heading to work to see some of the show and we all huddled in the corner of the stage watching the Jonas Brothers rock out at this trendy and initimate venue. I felt at home, yet again. I really enjoyed everywhere we went in California. This venue was someplace I would definitely hang out at. The boys saw me one by one and I got a few dirty looks from random fans who noticed they were saying hello to me at various times. Ah, reminds me of my *NSYNC days. Good times. I heart those boys! Was great to see them and finally meet Zoe too. Good times!

While hanging out a bit after their early show, I introduced myself to a random guitar carrying guy named Fran Banish. He was playing with Dan Lavery of Tonic later on that evening and thought he had walked into the wrong venue. You see, he was early and caught the Jonas Brothers set and was slightly confused. I mentioned to him that we had tickets for the later show, which he was playing and not to worry. He was in the right place. He was nice and introduced us randomly to Dan and before they got frightened of early show stalkers, we headed out to grab a coffee and relax before the evening show with Tony Lucca, Joe Firstman and friends. I could not wait!

We walked around and met up with Julie at Virigin to talk about the next day event (Bamboozle Left) and kill some time before our show. Noticed that Mr. JT was across the street (literally) doing the Jimmy Kimmel Live show. Got to see him preforming on the big screen. It was nice to be breathing the same air as him in LA this time. Was hoping he would make it across the street to support Mr. Tony Lucca that night.

Became a tourist and headed to the Chinese Theater to see the footprints and handprints of stars. Took photos by celebrity stars on the sidewalk and enjoyed the slightly rainy evening. Headed back over to The Knitting Factory right before doors and saw the actor that starred in Rookie of the Year and played Kevin in American Pie. He was a friend of Dan Lavery's so he was supporting at the show. He was my one famous find in LA. Had to have one. He smiled at us and stood near us at the beginning of the show, but he seemed very much into wanting to be recognized so I definitely didn't want to give him the satisfaction. I'm just weird like that. *grin* He might be nice, but just didn't give off that vibe.

Finally, Tim Jones started off the rainy night and was amazing! I really enjoyed him. He reminded me a lot of Marc Broussard with a Tony Lucca influence with his music. He was great! He got more and more toasted as the night went on, as did all the preformers that night. Good times! Dan Lavery was next with Fran and more. Fran cracked us up. His facial expressions and movements were definitely original. I think Dan even thought he was most entertaining while rockin out on the guitar. Dan was good and pretty much disappeared after his preformance, which was interesting since all the other "friends" hung around to sing with Tony at some point throughout the evening.

Tony Lucca was amazing as usual and it was great to finally see him on the West Coast, where it looks like he feels more like at home and at ease. Cece was there (what an amazing voice!), Chase from The Party (MMC) was also singing with him, Joe Firstman and among several other amazing preformers and artists participated in the evening. I was in heaven. I really wanted Joe Firstman to sing some of his originals, but I guess it was Tony's night. I can't be too picky. He did hang out right in front of us most of the evening and I got to share with him that I loved his originals in which he responded in a delay "there's more to come" and then randomly started talking about how it was a great Friday night, etc. He was toasted. It was great times!

Saturday was Bamboozle Left day. I got up early and ran like usual. Got some Starbucks and we headed out to meet up with Julie at her apartment. Got to Bamboozle at Cal Poly Pomona in perfect timing. Got in line and suffered for about half an hour needing to use the restroom with the only restrooms being port-a-potties inside the gate and doors not opening until 11:45. Ugh. That was painful, but better once we got in.

We had our schedule, which pretty much was in similar with the three of us and we enjoyed the day with amazing music and talented bands ranging from the much anticipated Jack's Mannequin, Something Corporate "surprise", Quiet Drive, Over it, The Jonas Brothers *yay*, Halifax (which brought back unwanted memories and was unexpected), Secondhand Serenade, HelloGoodbye, etc. Jack's Mannequin pretty much rocked my world yet again and was the prime reason I was at that festival. It was super cold and painfully taken we still rocked out in a crowd of thousands to that amazing preformer.

Last full day in LA was Sunday where we decided to take it easy. We drove around to Venice Beach and walked it. It was cool to see Muscle Beach and the crazies that live and work on that strip. It was amazing to see the vast difference between the rich and poor. The people who are there to buy things and the people who are there to sell. It was some desperate times for a lot of those people, some just beggers asking for anything with nothing to give. It was really a moment of realization for me that I am so much more fortunate than I sometimes realize. I take a lot for granted and I realize that these people have no other options. Very sad.

We headed to Santa Monica Beach and Santa Monica Pier after that. Throughout the entire trip, it seemed as though every spot we went to was a "date place" or at least a romantic visting place where tons of couples were together and enjoying the view or experiencing the rides together. It never hit me so hard as to really appreciating and wanting something like that. Unfortunately, it's not my time yet. It was just interesting to have that on my mind a lot throughout the trip. We drove up to Malibu and checked out all the amazing houses on the hills. The drive was up the coast and beautiful. I thought of one of my tours that lives in Malibu and wondered which amazing home was theirs. Very relaxing and beautiful.

Headed back to relax and get ready for dinner. We were treated by LV to dinner at Marie Callender's. It was so good. Homemade veggie soup, amazing chicken and veggies for dinner. We went to bed early and I got up for my final early morning run in LA. Was running back and saw the Hollywood sign in the mountains in the far distance. Ran through "my park" that I ran at for three days straight and ended for my final stop at Starbucks in Cali. Decided I loved the West Coast and I definitely wanted to visit again. I needed that break, more than I realized.

Got to the airport, returned our "mini-van" and got on our plane, a direct flight to Orlando. We slept most of the way home (a nice four hour flight) and got home when it was dark around 6:30ish and basically rushed around to get to our MaD Monday! on time at LC. Figures we would come back to some complications, but all was fixed by the time we got there and cleared up some common miscommunications. Changes were apparent and it was getting crazy by the moment hearing the new changes as they came up and not in advance. Met a nice new door guy, John who was very supportive and nice to us. Morgan came out to support and it was good to see some familiar faces. I had been wanting and hoping to see a good friend, but it was probably meant to be that my expectations were not met that night. Had some drama with the LC and made a conclusion that when people are not on the same page or communicating well, that relationship needs to cease. We chachos'd it and was done. Things felt right, but also disappointing. Challenges make us stronger right? I'm still waiting to feel strong.

Fast forward to Tuesday. My day to re-coop. I had asked for this day for vacation so that I could sleep and get everything in order before heading straight back to work. I had learned from previous situations (the Rock Boat, etc) that it's not smart to head right back to work the day after getting back. I was thankful for my decision. I was completely lazy and slept most of the day. I was productive though and got everything caught up successfully so it was a day put to good use. I did have a few moments of just missing being on vacation in a different environment with new experiences. Bascially, I missed California. I like that feeling of wanting to be there.

It was also a day to reflect on things in my life and trying to make things work. I had been feeling wrong on a few levels for things that I had been doing and words I had been saying. It hit me with some knowledge that I wasn't helping anyone or anything by participating the way I was in certain situations. It was time to again resurface the situation and actually do something about it. Having to be strong and wanting and needing something more is really hard. It's so difficult to figure out what's right for you and fighting what you really want. Just because my heart feels something so strongly, it doesn't mean it's right or it's meant to be. I have to realize that. My heart hurts. It has been achying, but now it fully hurts.

It's funny how even though my heart tells me one thing, I have to fight it. I know what's good for me and what's not. I just have to follow what I need to do to make things right. It's a very interesting thing when you consider all the factors and try to understand it. I can't do it anymore. It hurts to even try to make sense of it. I just have to step away. It's like I am having to give up what I think that I deserve. I think I deserve to have someone in whole, not just half of them or a quarter. I feel like I deserve to be able to express my feelings and not feel entirely guilty for them. It's not fair to me or others involved. I can't be this person anymore, this person trying to be there more for someone else than for myself. It's not fair to me and although it seems easier to just let go, it's harder than I imagined.

Whether it was the five cups of coffee that I had today that clearly exceeded my coffee limit for the day, or the feeling of hurting someone I care a lot about, or the work that I wasn't in the mood to complete today or my finanical issues that keep piling up, my stomach was turning, the lump in my throat was getting bigger by the second, my head was ready to explode, my heart hurt more than I could bear and all I wanted to do was either cry my eyes out or throw up all my issues and flush them away. Unfortunately, I was too emotional to do anything about it so I just came home and napped to wake up and head straight for the gym, which did seem to help a lot and get most of my frustrations out for a limited time at least.

"I don't know if I can live without you, I don't know if it's much better when you're there..." -Wideawake

Sometimes life just sucks. It's unfair and puts you in strange situations, but I have to be strong. Have to. It doesn't mean that it's what I want, but it's what I need. It's what I deserve and I can't be anything else.

With everything going on in my life, I'm having to make certain decisions that are not so selfish and others that are extremely selfish. I am trying to consider everyone in these decisions. I don't want to hurt the people I care about, but I don't know what else to do. I don't know how else to handle these challenges. I am the one that is gonna get hurt, one that is already hurt. I can't take anymore. I'm not as strong as I think I am, but I have to pretend and I have to act it from here on out. I'm sorry.