SYNCING

My thoughts

Wednesday September 27, 2006

Song: "Cradle me, comfort me, live for me, die for me" By The Rising
Mood: Broke, but currently in repair
Time: 10:36pm
Weather: Comfy

So, I had a mental breakdown today. It hasn't happened in awhile so I guess I should have anticipated it and prepared properly. Instead, it started and ended badly. Not the best day for Carolyn.

I'm not gonna lie. Things in my life have been super stressful lately and I probably intentionally caused them all. For some reason or another (scheduling challenges, etc), I have had all my doctor's appointments within just a few weeks of each other. Work has been okay, but lots of responsibilities and changes going on in all of my departments. Money is my biggest issue of the moment. I'm broke as broke can be. In so many ways actually. CCMaD has never been stronger, yet all the factors and attachments to CCMaD have been falling apart and been a huge weight on my shoulders. And there is a ton of confusion in my personal and social life to top it off.

So that's the basics. All of those factors mixed together and it accumulated into strong Carolyn breaking down in the middle of my dentist office, sitting in the chair having my crown placed in. I just couldn't control it any longer. I basically began crying, tears streaming down my face and the nurse was like, "honey, why are you crying" and there it happened. My mental breakdown. Con't all the way through the crown placement and on the drive home. What a mess.

Still not fully recovered, I am trying to get through all my stresses and figure out why my emotions ran so uncontrolled today. I haven't cried in awhile so perhaps my body just needed some sort of release. To really make it a great mental breakdown, I got home in time to get the mail so I stopped by and the only one piece of mail in our mailbox was a card from my mom to me. We never have just one piece of mail in our mailbox. Never.

It was a homemade card with a picture that my dad took last time they visited me of a beautifully colored Cinderalla Castle viewed from the Contemporary Resort. I opened the card and it stated, "Get Well Soon! Hi Honey, We hope you're feeling much better by now, but just in case your gums are still a little sore, here's $5.00 for a Mickey Mouse ice cream. We love you! Mom and Dad"

I had a not-so-great conversation with my mom this afternoon and with my money issues and work drama, it hit me harder than expected and my mental breakdown continued. How's that for perfect arrival time of that note card? I do love the mouse. I do love my job, but all the stress of not even cutting it close to comfortable living on my pay makes for such a hard mindset with making sense of why I'm doing what I'm doing. I have a college degree, but I sacrafice a lot because I do love what I do. I'm just so confused. Hence, the mental breakdown, I guess.

Part me of me was so happy to see the $5 dollar bill that some of the tears were of happiness. Pathetic, I know. But true. Part of me questioned why I moved down here to make the career move to Disney and work for hardly no money at all. Part me of me wondered if my mom forgot that I was on my nutrition plan and that a Mickey Mouse bar was 13 points. Part of me just missed my parents and was so happy that they thought of me to send that. Part of me was so embarrassed of my breakdown that I didn't know what else to do but release again. All of these moments and feelings stemmed from one card. The one card that was the only piece of mail in the mailbox. Things happen for a reason.

So, I have been literally in pain since Friday. I got all my four wisdom teeth taken out early that morning and since then, I have developed a "dry socket". Figures. Luckily, it's just in *one* of the four areas, but I have been suffering even with the common advil medication that I have been sucking down since day one. Once I arrived at the dentist today, I had had enough apparently. My mouth has been super sensitive and everything the nurse was doing was pretty darn painful. Perhaps that initiated my tear mood, but either way it was such a bad experience, I'm pretty much done with the dentist for awhile. They did give me medication for my dry socket and thankfully it's been tolerable so far. The gel they put on it gives me a bad taste in my mouth and makes all my food taste funky. I was warned of that, but regardless it's not satisfying at all.

Going back a bit and trying to make this journal a bit more positive. I am one step closer to my goals health wise, but this whole dentist thing has set me back a little with exercising. My motivation level has dropped and my body (and my mind) has been weaker lately and it has been affecting my mood. Again, perhaps another reason for the breakdown.

I took a nap to make the worry's go away, but they were still here when I woke up. I kinda woke up in a panic, like I had forgot something or had to be somewhere. Got up and decided I needed to get my control back again, because life will go on. With or without my organization and problem solving talents helping me get through. I re-organized myself and I think I'm *okay* as far as bills, etc. for now. I'm not great, but I'm okay. I think I can make it work.

"It's not so difficult, the world is not so difficult" -Blue October

Not sure why, but the world is so difficult for me currently. This is how I deal with it. This is how I get better. This is how I learn to deal. I feel better already.

posted by Carolyn Ohme at 11:59PM

Saturday September 23, 2006

Song: "I surrender" By Dirty Shannon
Mood: Lazy for once and I actually scheduled this laziness in *giggle*
Time: 3:20pm
Weather: Comfy

It's been crazy lately, per usual. As you can see in my listed mood above though, I am taking it easy. I have to. I'll explain later.

I've had a good week though. Work, I will never take for granted. I've been very fortunate to do well at my locations and I have really been appreciating my life lately. Not sure why it's come about so often, but it has.

Going back a bit, last Friday we had our Acoustic Showcase with Laureen, Knick and Pete Woj. I got there a bit later than expected and when I saw the newly expanded Studio Cafe, my mouth dropped. I was so impressed and blown away by the improved site. The sign out front was even done, with our name in lights. The sound was great, the pictures and everything was perfectly placed. I was happy with the results. Pete was blown away too. The show was a great hit. Had a nice crowd and great preformers. Good night all around! Had a nice surprise visit from a friend and it was nice to have friends and family support the night!

The next day, I got up fairly early to get Lance all tuned up. He was mad at me for quite awhile, but then I could tell he was running better than ever after his change of oil, etc. I felt good about getting that done. Cali and I drove to Tampa on Saturday night to see Gary play at the Fly Bar. It was very easy to find, but once we got there, I wanted to turn around and go home to change. It was a trendy bar, much like the Blue Martini and I felt way undressed. I had assumed it was a hole in the wall bar, but not the case. Ah well. They let us in anyways and Gary said he was dressed just like us the first day he played there so not to worry. It was a great night of hearing his music and getting his newly released CD, but the crowd couldn't have been less interested in the music and were loud and annoying. I did enjoy the management and staff of the bar though, but the patrons were not my favorite people in the world. Chelsea, Mikey and Berg came after their show in Clearwater and we got to hang out with them a bit before heading out. Was good times!

Most of my week was full of work and rest, which is just what I had needed. I was happy with my meeting on Tuesday and am on the right track to my goal. I'm very happy about all the success that has come with actually sticking to the plan. Everyone has their moments, but I like it when I'm more in control of my choices and life. Just wish life didn't always get in the way in some shape or form.

We had our CCMaD meeting on Wednesday night and it was very productive and good. I think when we get together we form support even more and grow as a company each and everytime. It's so helpful! Was suppose to support DLB that night, but the show was cancelled so instead I took that time to get some stuff done at home and get rest. Was a good idea.

Thursday, I worked a later shift than usual and then headed over to Backbooth late, missing The Upward Trend's set but getting there just in time to say goodbye to Jorge and hello to the other drunk and saddened band members. It was their last show playing all together and I'm sorry that I missed it. They were all drinking and enjoying the time together a bit too much, but they were definitely entertaining Cali, Nick, Tony, Gino, Raymond and myself. It did get to the point where we tried to calm them down, but nothing was helping. The alcohol was a bit too much in control for them that night.

After the night settled down, I made sure Elo was okay to drive home and everyone dispersed. Edwin called when he got home okay which made me happy and everyone else seemed okay to leave on their own. It was a very interesting night. I am learning as days go on, I am becoming weaker and weaker and not neccesarily in a good way. I know that I should be honest with my feelings, but sometimes you just can't. Although I know I use that word a lot, it means more than I can describe with any other word. I just can't.

It's strange that in certain moments, you can't help but take advantage and just live in that moment, but I need to stop doing that and look into the future and know what is right. It's just so hard. "It's not that difficult, the world is not so difficult" -Blue October. But sometimes the world is that difficult.

Got home really early in the morning only to crash for a couple of hours to wake up to head into surgery. My first real surgery ever. I was a bit nervous, although I knew I had a great dentist and people get this done all the time. Cali drove me to the hospital and in less than ten minutes, I was out of surgery. Of course, I have doctors for comedians...all of them it seems. I enjoyed them all though. Very nice, professional and totally good at what they do. All four wisdom teeth have been removed, finally (my dentist at home in Norcross can finally sigh from relieft) and I am swollen and achy.

Yesterday after my surgery, Cali brought me home and I was very weak and feeling sick for a bit. She took good care of me and soon after lots of naps, ice packs and medicine, I was feeling better, but still big cheeked. I got a good night's rest and I woke up around 11am today just to place the ice packs back on my large face. It's still swollen and achy, especially in my lower left hand corner of my mouth, but hopefully in a couple of days I will be back to normal. *crosses fingers*

Thanks to all of my friends and family who have called to check up on me. You guys are the best!

Happy Birthday to Shannon (September 20th)! Love you sis!

That's the update for now...lots of stuff coming up later!

"Happiness is a state of mind. It's just according to the way you look at things. So I think happiness is contentment but it doesn't mean you have to have wealth. All individuals are different and some of us just wouldn't be satisfied with just carrying out a routine job and being happy." -Walt Disney

So yesterday was good times. Got up early to work out. Rocked out a good 4-mile run yet again. My knees will hate me when I'm older, but for now they still work like they need to. Headed to work at the gateway and it was a less than eventful shift. It did pour rain though. Got news that one of my favorite leaders...and people are leaving me to go to MK, but perhaps I will see him more so there than ever at Epcot. It does seem to happen that way most times. Got to talk with my one-on-one and have a good talk about both of our futures. I need some goals man. I have goals, but I need more stable goals within Disney. My goal is to work on my goals.

Got home just in time for some dinner, a shower, a chat with the LJ and a walk in the rain before heading out to my show hopping evening downtown. Got to Central Station at a time when I thought I was late. Turns out, The Upward Trend was just in the middle of soundcheck and I was actually early. Nice. Met up with Patti and Maria (TUT wives) and sat with them for the set. They are good people. It was fun to watch and laugh with them at the boys. They cracked us up as usual. Shortly after they began, 867 showed up to support and very shortly after that, our crew filed in, including John, Davie, Paulie, Aileen, Randall, Jeremy, etc. I'm glad they came for a bit to support Elo and The Upward Trend. That was really cool of them. Good band members!

So, the happiest moment of last night happened at the end of TUT's set when I was watching intently as the next band, Skin, began setting up their gear. I had seen Skin before last time I visited Central Station to see the TUT boys, but didn't realize that one of the members looked really familiar. I began searching my brain to find out where I recognized this individual from. Finally it hit me that it had *something* to do with *NSYNC. I know, I know..everyone thinks that's the only thing I think of, but really, it had *something* to do with them. And it took me a few minutes, but finally it hit me! He played guitar in the *NSYNC band. Didn't remember his name, until I walked right up to him and it hit me! Rueben Luis. However, *NSYNC always introduced him as "RUUUUUEBEN LUIS!" and that's how I say it to myself. He has a bigger afro and seemed to not be as bulky in size, but other than that, same ole Rueben. The second I walked up to him and asked him if he was in *NSYNC's band and if his name was Rueben, he smiled big and hugged me as if he knew me. It was like home, I think, for him. It was actually a very cool experience. He said he recognized my face. That can't be a good thing. All those stalking moments actually noticed. Not good. I told him I knew he was lying, but thanks anyways. Regardless, he was super nice and that made my night. A nice blast from my past. T-I thought of you especially! When we were "breathing the same air" outside of the Fox Theater and saw the band walking up. Our first encounter with Rueben. Good times. Now, years later and he's in a band called Skin playing at Central Station Bar. Wow. Things do change.

After The Upward Trend's set, we all (in group order) headed over to the AKA Lounge to catch Randall Shreve and band playing. They enhanced the stage at AKA Lounge! I was stoked. *SO* much better! Sound was better too! Good for them! 867 and I both agreed we would love to live in that loft. Think of it, a bar, a stage for our friends to play and jam for us all night long, no neighbors complaining about the noise level (everyone's already used to it) and the coolest vibe ever. It's so much more roomy and friendly. I heart that place!

It was a great night with good friends! Mike, Edwin, John and Randall all had their CCMaD buttons on for support and *most* of them were in the correct places. I need to school Edwin on placement of the button, but other than that, we were in business. Made me smile! Got to dance with Ciara and 867 while enjoying the funny audience members going crazy for Randall's music. They put on a great show. Much better than what I have seen lately and I was glad they were taking it more seriously. It showed and was much better! Randall was sweet and dedicated "Hollywood" to me. Magical moment for Carolyn. I love it that he also called me out to sing the "la la la's" with him during a different song. He must know that I love those parts...and I'm fairly loud during those parts as well. He must be able to hear me. Maybe that was a hint to not be so loud in the future. *grin* I shall abide.

Had lack of sleep from the shows last night and totally worth it. I had maybe three hours total and stumbled into work this morning on time, thank you! It's been a very productive day believe it or not. I also was able to use my lunch time as teeth cleaning time. I was a little frustrated though because the hygienist played a bit too hard around my temporary crown even after warning her that it was temporary and sensitive. Now, I am feeling the repercussions of that. Ugh! Her reply to me was "oh, if it comes out we will just re-cement it. No thanks! I don't want it to come out at all! Stop playing with it! Grrrr. But at least it hasn't fallen out...yet. Only one more week and I can get my permanent one, then I will feel better about it. I'm paranoid I know, but still. It bothers me.

So, today I will finish up here pretty soon, head home to nap for about an hour, work out for an hour, then shower to get ready for our show tonight at The Studio Cafe with Laureen, Knick and Pete Woj. Should be a fun night to say the least!

Well, this week has been nuts to say the least. Started off okay. 867 and I went and celebrated life together at St. Lukes. It was very intimate and quiet, but good. Was productive and had a CCMaD meeting on the night of the worst rain storm ever. I was seriously nervous driving to the Starbucks in Winter Park. And I'm very rarely nervous about driving in the rain. Made it safely though, thank God.

This past weekend was Night of Joy aka Night of Exhaustion. I was with Susan again for Rebecca St. James and they were all happy to see us. It's like family visiting, which can be a good thing. A lot of positives. The band was just as wonderful as I had heard. An entire new band: Dave (bass), Scotty (lead guitarist), Fred (keyboards), & Joey (drums). Charmaine was still doing backup and I guess it was Luke (Rebecca's bro) that was doing some background vocals and rapping a bit. The entire family wasn't there this time, but some were. Daniel (oldest) and his girlfriend Jenny came with Josh (younger brother). Of course, her father, David, and Ralph (tech) were there as well. The management team came a bit later with Brian and his new assistant Darcy and their three friends Jason, Kevin and Stephanie. It was a pretty big crowd by the time everyone arrived. There was the typically ticket and creditential drama. The usual, but it happens every event. It was a good event because I got to spend more quality time with Rebecca and the band. They were all fun and we had a great time playing so that was an added bonus. The event was exhausting to say the least though. I worked from 9am on Thursday through to 5:15am on Friday morning due to soundcheck and airport runs, but thankfully Starbucks was open at the airport and I was a happy (and wired) camper at that point.

Thankfully, I was able to get Sunday off to just rest and relax. I was afraid that I wasn't gonna have any day off that weekend, but things worked out just fine and I slept in happily on Sunday morning. Got much needed errands finished up with, laundry was completed and I headed over to the grocery store for some much needed healthy items.

Monday was MaD Monday! with Carousol, Randall Shreve and The Upward Trend. It wasn't the greatest amount of people in the world, but they were certainly fun and entertaining so that was great! I think the overall experience was a learning one, on top of some limited drama and interesting moments, but in the end it was a good night with friends and I think that's what counts when everything is thought of later on. I realized that there are more expectations placed on me and my actions then before. I also realized that I have found some really good friends since the beginning of CCMaD and I am very thankful for that. I couldn't have asked for a better line up of people and of friends. Their understanding and ability to be flexible was amazing. Now, I just need to work on me a little bit more. Oh! and they are good listeners too! *grin*

Yesterday, I basically had about three hours or less of sleep the night before so I was flying high on two cups of coffee and the good memories of my good friends from the night before who were supportive. It was a pretty productive and good day at DU. One of the better ones, actually. I had to leave a bit early though to attend a much needed doctor's appointment. Figures I had to choose a comedian for a doctor. Actually, he is very good and a little humor never hurt anyone. Apparently, people wait for him for hours (or so I've heard) *grin*. I can be funny too. I was having a "surgical procedure" that was gonna take less than five minutes and was practically harmless, but I was still nervous because it involved needles and those aren't always the best times so as the doctor was heading out the door to grab something he forgot he stated "Be right back, I'm gonna go study up on the manual". Funny Doc. But, it was simple, easy, painless and quick. I was out the door just in time to head over to my disappointing, but motivating nutrition meeting. My tours that I do really screw up my schedule, but I can't blame it all on that. I just need to be more disciplined.

Got home and rested while catching up on emails, myspace, etc for CCMaD and myself. Got a fun little assignment from Elo. Even though I bascially begged to do it, it was fun and I hope he liked it. *grin* We'll see I guess. Went and dedicated my time to the workout room for the next hour and a half and it was slightly hard but totally rewarding and a nice start back on track. "Starting now I'm starting over, starting now I'm starting over" -The Format.

Was super exhausted coming into work today and you could tell cause I was yelling at every driver on the road at 7:15am this morning. Some of the reason was because I was tired, most of the reason was because they were idiots. Either way, I was yelling. Got to work this morning and things have been quite slow. Nothing too crazy going on as of yet. Been trying to keep busy and finish up on Property Tour stuff before next week. It's crazy stuff, but fun!

Today, my plans consist of resting, resting and resting. With a nice workout on the side. I've got to gear up for my crazy weekend that I am preparing for so it's a good thing that I don't have anything really planned for tonight. Doesn't mean that something won't come up, but it's a nice idea that I have nothing to do. I'm excited for the time. Time is something that I don't seem to have enough of. It's amazing how life just flies by most times. It's also kinda scary the way that works.

The next few days will be crazy. I'm doing some show hopping tomorrow for The Upward Trend and Randall Shreve. I think Elo might be doing the same thing. *grin* Good times to be had, I'm sure! Then, working and getting my teeth cleaned. Then, Friday night we have our CCMaD Presents An Acoustic Showcase with Laureen, Knick & Pete Woj at Studio Cafe. Everyone should definitely show up for this one...gonna be a new scene my friends! Saturday is Lance's much needed and a little delayed tune-up. Sorry Lance! Then, Cali and I will be driving down to Tampa to see our good friend Gary Pfaff rock out acoustically! I'm getting worn out just thinking about all the plans I have, but actually my schedule is not as packed as it usually is so I'm golden. Rock on kids!

So things have been busy. Surprised? I doubt it. Just noticing the difference in dates when I post should explain the craziness of my life. It's funny because I used to have time to blog everyday. Silly things just because I was bored. Funny how that doesn't occur anymore. I kinda like it that way. I keep thinking back to when I was back at home in Norcross and if I were there right now. I would be blogging everyday and I would be bored to death. I'm happy in Orlando. I'm happy where I'm at in my life. It's a good thing!

So I'm playing catch up, like I usually do. I have been working on myself a lot lately. Working on my soul, my heart, my mind, my body and my life in general. I went and visited my oral surgeon, whom I adore already, and got set up to have all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. Ugh. Not looking forward to being compared to chipmunks for days, but it needs to be done so be it.

Had a MaD Monday! with Words Now Heard and Jupiter Sunrise. It was an interesting show. There was a pretty good crowd as a whole so I was satisfied by it. I learned a lot at that show. About people, about business and about right and wrong. There is always an opportunity to learn.

For the next four days, I was involved with training our new Global Guest Relations team. It was a good time minus the "hurricane" scare that we had for a moment, which really turned into a light rain storm. Gotta love the weather channel and news team for blowing things out of porportion as usual.

Cali's bday was August 31st! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALI-MARI! I rushed after meeting up with my sis and fam in Japan for dinner to meet up at Hard Rock for one of Cali's bday celebrations and made it three songs into Colourslide's preformance. It was a good show and I was happy to have gotten there in time to catch a few songs! They rock! Can't wait for our show with them at the end of this month! Catch local listings! www.myspace.com/ccmad.

Friday, I met up with the fam and spent some quality time with them at the parks, then headed out to do some errands, pay our rent and catch up on ccmad and life stuff. Met up with the fam for dinner at Boma (so good) and then quickly headed down to Studio Cafe for one of our best and most successful Acoustic Showcases we've had yet. We had Mikey Sanchez and Randall Shreve play and they were both jaw-dropping amazing and I think the crowd fully enjoyed it as well. Thanks to both of them for rockin out!

Got up super early the next morning to meet up with the fam again, but this time at Epcot. Rode Soarin with them and watched Turtle Talk, but had to head out to Cali's real bday celebration at Build-A-Bear. It was fun. More fun than I thought actually. I made Scout. A boy bear with a boy scout uniform. He's cute. Cali's momma bought him converse. He's cool. And he's a koala bear so he's even cooler because of that.

Then, we headed back to Cali's for a cookout to celebrate Tony and her bdays. Yummy and slightly heathly food and great company. Good times that night! I headed home early to do some laundry, finish my errands, take a nap and then head down just in time to catch Pete Woj's preformance at The Social.

My life continues to be crazy, but things are good right now. Knock on wood. Thanks for catching up with me. Will be in touch!