Please take a look at last year's results with a week by week look.

TOP STORY: CORPORATE TAKEOVER OF 44's LEAD TO HEX, CRUSHING DEFEAT

Other Stories: Steve "Pear" McNair leads his team to blow out win.

Bull City Bears 68 Syracuse 44's 67 It was a tumultuous summer for Syracuse 44's owner John Stoer. Before the big draft, it seemed like there was going to be a merger of two of last year's top finishers as John and his younger brother Phil Stoer decided to join forces and form the Bethesda Brothers. The differences started early on when planning draft strategy and continued in the draft which featured the team taking numerous Syracuse alumnae and no Tar Heels. The last straw came as John Stoer overruled his little bro and picked up Rob Konrad in place of former-Duke Hater Fred Lane. Phil was also upset that his place had been taken by the Cambria Otters who show no sign of knowing what they are doing. Phil Stoer quit and John renamed the team the Syracuse 44's, but not before young Phil could place a hex on the team that seemed to follow through to week one against ancient rival Bull City Bears. The Bears were surrounded by the controversy in the early season as well. Owner Randy Chambers seemed to favor inbred moron QB Brent Farve while the fans would have preferred Kordell Stewart or Jake Plummer. Farve managed to score 24 points and lead his team to a nice Sunday lead. He was helped along by Eddie George's 8 and Vanderjagt's 7. What seemed to be a 5 point lead heading into Monday seemed surmountable by 44 stalwarts Tony Martin and MVP Terrell Davis. The 44's had already received fine performances from Marvin Harrison and Rob Moore's combined 31 points. Cramp Bailey also added 10 points in his first game. 5 points was needed and TD and TM scored 10. A win for the 44's, right? No, due to crafty defensive play and a new controversial system, the 44's would have needed 11 to tie. Stellar, but lucky play by Leroy Butler had taken four points away from the 44's and the defensive backfield of the 44's could not tackle the Bear runners allowing them to get an extra two points. Owner John Stoer could only grumble about the "cockamamie system." He also said, "%#!@#$%."

Pear McNairs 92 Key West Jerrytown Smokers 67 It takes real audacity to name a team after a player even before the draft has been held, but it seemed like Owner Perry Missner knew what he was doing this year after he drafted QB Steve "Pear" McNair with his first pick. McNair came through with an enormous 27 points, both running and passing for touchdowns. With such a great performance, McNair has taken over as player personnel director as well and re-signed the twice cut Kevin Dyson. The McNairs were also given inspirational performances by Curtis the P (14) and Zach Thomas' Monday Night 10. Having scored 19 points then been demoted from starting WR, Keyshawn Johnson complained bitterly to the press and asked to be traded from the team. It seems that Missner just can't get along with his star wide receivers. Not to be overshadowed by the league's favorite team were the Smokers who would have beaten a number of other teams this week. They were lead by runners Emmitt and Marshall who scored 18 points only to have two points taken away by the excellent Jim Flanigan. Dan Marino needed approximately 40 points on Monday to rescue a victory. He scored 16 which wasn't bad but did not please owner Don Cherry who said a bunch of things including, "%#!@#$%."

Cville Wookies 70 San Francisco Cubists 64 In this battle of former fantasy league champions, the Wookies proved that the AFC East is king. Owner Will Mitchell, a renowned Patriots fanatic, drafted Pats, former-Pats and players who play against the Pats a lot. It is hard to argue with the results. The famed Wookie connection of Bledsoe to Coates notched 11 points which was matched by rookie Edgerrin James himself. Moulds and outsider Jimmy Smith also had 9 points, yet the Wookies found themselves down by three going into Monday night's game. The proud Cubists were missing their equally famous three headed monster. Fred "The One Headed Monster" Taylor only managed 4 points. The new QB Brunell (13), Cory Dillon (11) and Cris Carter(10) all had nice games. Of course, they were overshadowed by the benched Michael Irvin who scored more times in one game than he did last season. After the game, Irvin was reportedly headed to a party "to get him some crack and some %#!@#$%." Owner Jason Moore told his team that they had one mission on Monday - stop O.J. McDuffie. For three quarters, his defensive crew did the job, but early in the fourth quarter, McDuffie broke free for a touch down and the win. Moore was nonplussed at the loss, citing last year's opening week loss then total domination the rest of the way. Sadly, it doesn't look like there are many Randy Mosses or Fred Taylors to pick up.

Allentown Chippies 79 St. Paul Panting Parishioners 68 The Chippies (last year's Chipmunks in case you had forgotten) did not want to repeat last year's slow start and figured they had just the man at QB, All Pro Vinny Testaverde, to lead them into the upper echelon. While they came out with a win, they did not leave with Vinny who crumbled up into a fallen mess after rupturing his Achilles tendon on the lovely Meadowlands turf. The team was picked up by the Duce & Bruce show who combined for an early 29 points. Owner Aaron Jacoby thought he had goofed by leaving in kicker Chris Jacke who surprised his coach by nailing 13 points. Peyton Manning warmed up for next week with 13 points and will have any of 7 wide receivers to choose from. Meanwhile, the Panting Parishioners did themselves and their crazy, old coach proud. Owner Steve Johnson said, "We played well, just not well enough to win" in an oddly Lombardi-esque tone. The Panters did net a whole ton of yards but TD's were hard to come by. Only QB Jon Kitna, Leroy Hoard and Terry "Girl" Glenn were able to find the endzone. Chad Brown fell on his head and was heard to say it hurt worse than "%#!@#$%."

County Coroners 58 Dean & Simmons, I Can't Lose 53 In the lowest scoring affair of the week, the defensive oriented Coroners used Ray Lewis' record setting performance as a springboard for a win in front of the Coroner fans. Lewis was all over the field, tackling both Dean & Simmons 14 times, getting a sack and an interception and 60 yards of returns. Asked to comment on Lewis' performance, the slightly off kilter owner Chad Nuss said, "I'm Batman." Coroners were helped along by QB Cunningham's 9 and a bunch of other mediocre performances. Dean & Simmons, which by the way was voted worst team in an informal preseason poll, got off to one of the worst starts ever. First round choice Steve Young reminded some of a certain Monday night performance by taking points away from his own team with a -6. Second round choice Ricky Williams did a little better but only scored 2 points before limping off because of something stuck in his tongue. The team had only 20 points going into Monday. Sleezy Ed McCaffery and Karim Paula Abdul Jabber gave the "I always lose" fans something to get their hopes up about. McCafferty scored 25 points to take away Kevin Dyson's short lived #1 wide receiver ranking. Paula had 10 more points, but the Losers were also hurt by the new scoring system as Coroner defensive backs took two points away and marched off with a victory. In a side note, the commissioner has been called into look at the recent trade between Nuss and his homie Jason Moore which sent two starters to the Cubists for almost nothing. What's up with that "%#!@#$%."

Minneapolis Monsoon 79 Cambria Otters 41 And, finally, we have the heart warming tale of

two office mates. One has shown in the past that he knows what he is doing and the other seems to not have a clue in the world. Speculation around the league is that new owner Robert Ouaou wants to be the Jerry Reinsdorf of fantasy football and create a team without using the draft. Yet some of his moves having everyone scratching their heads. Why cut Floyd Turner and not injured Robert Edwards? Why only play two offensive flex players? Why play Rodney Harrison when is sitting at home on the bye? The one player that seems to belong on this team is Traitor Al Del Greco who led the team with 11 points. Lawyer Milloy also had 10. Owner Josh Wilk was happy to start the season with what some are calling the bye week. QB Troy Aikman showed that an off season of message therapy can do wonders as he led all players with 31 points. Of course, he did not get the game ball which is reserved for Diamond Donovin Darius who scored 7 points. Aikman didn't seem to mind though and said, "Did you guys see Darius out there today? He was like a mother %#!@#$% Monsoon." As the cameras faded to black, Owner Josh Wilk was seen mouthing the words, "Come back, Joey." No one is sure if he was talking about hold out star Galloway or the now missing Joey Lawrence. Whoah!

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