TOP STORY: NO MORE UNDEFEATED TEAMS: WOOKIES, BEARS LOSE

Other Stories: Tough season for former three-headed Monsters continues as Davis joins Taylor and Anderson among the walking wounded

St. Paul Panting Parishioners 84 Bull City Bears 76 Most of those concerned with the Bull City Bears figured that this would be their week to really gel. The team's main distraction, Brent Farf, was suspended for too much crying and was said to be getting stoopid on pills in some bar in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Despite some early season problems, strapping QB Jake Plummer seemed ready to take the team on his shoulders. Or Coach Randy Chambers could have gone with the fleet-footed Kordell Stewart. Such a decision could make anyone go batty. He chose right and picked Plummer who scored in the positive for his team (+3) while old Slash had some problems with another 4 turnovers and -2 points. Ug-lee. The rest of the offense did show up though. Michael Westbrook came up huge with 21 points and even though Stephen Davis had his worst showing of the season he did manage 10 points. Eddie George and Tim Brown also had nice games with a touchdown apiece. Runners and receivers weren't the Bears problem. It was defense. Bears fans were scratching their head when Chambers pulled Tim Hauck out of thin air and threw him out there to defend against the Parishioners now innovative offense. Owner Steve Johnson decided to just completely throw out the running attack and go with an empty (very empty) backfield. Byron Hanspard became the first starting running back to score in -1 points. Once Johnson saw that running was not going to work, he called one play for the rest of the game: "the Hail Mary." And it worked. The four Parishioner receivers amassed an amazing 52 points. Albert Connell offset his teammate's 21 points with 20 of his own. Girl Glenn skipped-to-my-lou all over the field for 16 points. Derrick Mayes and Terrell Owens also chipped in touchdowns on Hail Mary plays. QB Neil O'Donnell (17 points) played well enough to hold onto his job for another week although Jon Kitna is starting to look like the real deal (15 points). Johnson was even toying with the idea of putting in Billy Joe Hoebert because "he has that special something."

County Coroners 96 Cville Wookies 66 There was some league-wide snickering when people looked at the Coroners prospective line up filled with Raiders. "I hope Chad Nuss is a Raider fan," commented one fan, "because if is he isn't, he's nuts." It now appears that it is the fans that are nuts as the Coroners used Raiders, kicking and their usual amount of defense to kick the snot out of the previously undefeated Wookies. Nuss did bow to media pressure just before game time by inserting #1 draft pick Randall Cunningham into the line up for surging Rich Gannon. An obviously annoyed Gannon (who has been promised the starting slot since he was traded for, only to be reneged upon each week) scored 14 points. Cunningham outdid the fan favorite though, scoring 3 TD's and 21 points. After the game Nuss apologized to Gannon but said that he had a deep feeling in his gut about Cunningham "or else that was the chili." Raider runner Tyrone Wheatley punished Wookie defensive players to the tune of 12 points and Tony Gonzalez had an excellent game from the tight end slot with 10. Rod Smith also had 8 points. Steve Christie knocked in 13 Monday night points to seal the deal and almost allow the Coroners to be the high scoring team of the week. Almost. The game ball went to Ray Lewis for not only scoring 11 points but performing a search and destroy mission on Wookie TE Ben Coates. Coates, often called the key to the Wookies success, was held pointless. Former backfield mates Bledsoe and Curtis Martin did score 13 points apiece. Eric Rhett continued his strong play with 9 points but was unable to reach pay dirt. None of the rest of the Wookies scored more than 5 points on Sunday. That left Eric Moulds to score at least 30 points for the win. He couldn't do it but did manage 10. While Owner Will Mitchell was disappointed at the loss, but he did take consolation in the fact that the universe had returned to its proper order as QB Bledsoe now has a higher ranking than back up Charlie Batch. In late breaking news, Chad Nuss made a move that is causing him to be hailed as a visionary in signing LB Sean Harris. Great move!

Pear McNairs 98 Syracuse 44's 77 With the top two teams knocked off, the door was open for one of these two teams to usurp the top spot in the league. Unfortunately, due to the bye this week of the Indianapolis Colts, the 44's were without their number one stud, Marvin Harrison. Harrison, despite not playing, retained the number one ranking for wide receivers. The tone was set early for this game and announcer Tom Bosley quickly and repetitively termed it "a track meet." Tim Biakabatuka and Kurt Warner continued their surprising early season play with three touchdowns apiece. They combined for 49 points. The only one who seems not to be surprised was Owner Perry Missner who stated, "I knew all along that these were the guys who would dominate this year." In fact, he simply pulled their names out of hat and got lucky. There was no luck involved in his drafting runners earlier this season though. That strategy has paid off with the runners combining for 89 points in the last two weeks. The McNairs now lead the league in scoring. Jeff Wilkens continued his PAT onslaught with another 5 plus his first field goal. There was an ugly incident early in the game as McNair rookie linebacker Wally Rainer intentionally hurt last year's MVP Terrell Davis. As Davis was being held up by the nameless McNair defensive line, Rainer flew into the play and put his hat right on Davis' already tender knee. It was an ugly play that Fox only showed 12 times. They added laser sound effects for the last 5 showings. Rainer was kicked out of the game and given his walking papers by Mr. Good Guy, Missner. The 44's did not crumble despite the loss of Davis. Rookie Kevin Johnson pounded his chest and scored 14 points as he continued his great rookie play. The defense also showed a lot of heart by scoring a new record 30 points. With Warren Sapp ailing, Owner John Stoer picked up Michael Strahan just a few hours before game time. Strahan allowed Sapp to get healthy for next week's beheading and scored 12 points.

Mineapolis monsoon 74 Allentown Chippies 51 The other team really hurt by this week's bye was the Allentown Chippies. They were playing without their leader, Peyton Manning. Manning did as much as he could for Owner Aaron Jacoby. He coached, served hot dogs, guest conducted the 3^rd Quarter Stretch and even led the cheerleading teams in the "What does that spell?" chant. His coaching was enough to help good replacement Shane Matthews score 11 points on two late inspiring touchdowns, but no other Chippie was able to find the green. Jacoby's other QB choice, Bubby Brister played like a grandmother and was so bad that he was cut after the game. Isaac Bruce did have a noteworthy game with 10 points, but the team was let down by Chris Jacke. He wore some green and yellow that made all onlookers shudder and only managed to score one point. Many fans were hoping that Jacoby would cut Jacke and pick up local favorite Kerry Collins to kick. As one fan put it, "I saw K.C. kick a 50 yard field goal after taking 10 shots." It's time to bring Collins on board, Mr. Jacoby. The monsoon raised their record to 3-1 by changing up their tactics a little bit. They put two runners in the backfield and Jevon Kearse became the first defensive lineman to scratch the monsoon line up. These experiments did not work in themselves as the runners combined for 3 points (that's 8 running points this season in total for the monsoon) and Kearse led the defense to a season's poorest (porous) 7 points combined. Fortunately, Troy Aikman played and when he does, the monsoon win. He scored 15 points and Randy Moss finally showed his true form (no, not whiny punk) with 20 points. Daedric Ward also had a nice 11 points and Wesley Walls continued his strong play from the tight end slot with 7 points. The monsoon Daily Herald speculated that Walls is playing so well because he is in his contract year and Owner Josh Wilk would love to insert Brominski next year.

San Francisco Cubists 71 Dean & Simmons, I Can't Lose 55 Before the game, the Cubist locker room morale was at an all time low. Last year's champions had become mediocre at best and the players learned on Friday that team leader and friend to all, Jay Riemersma had been cut because he asked Owner Jason Moore for a clause in his contract that would entitle him to one slurpee for each touchdown he scored. After cutting Riermersma, Moore commented, "I am not made out of slurpees, you know!" He then smirked and reminded the press that he was playing this year's Sister Mary's Football Team for the Blind without their top player, Steve Young. Moore was further buoyed by the incredible performance of his QB Brad Johnson who entertained all by scoring 30 points. This was the Cubists' first 15+ point performance of the season. Charlie Garner also had a nice game with 13 points. Michael Irvin who agreed with management for the first time about the Riemersma cutting scored a touchdown and dedicated his lavish touchdown dance to replacement tight end David Lefleur. Lefleur, to no one's astonishment, was a complete bust and gave the Cubists their third scoreless tight end exhibition. Despite playing without their first draft pick, the Losers gave an animated game to the Cubists. Young replacement Jeff Garcia scored three touchdown and 22 points. Ricky Williams shrugged off numerous injuries to score 5 points. Consultants Dean & Simmons took center stage in the middle of the second quarter as they were involved in a fist fight that was said to have started because of an argument over practice habits. Owner Dan Weitz was asked if he had to do it over again would he give the team such a ludicrous name answered succinctly. "No," he said. Notwithstanding all of the problems, the Losers only needed 16 points on Monday Night from Andre Reed and Karim Abdul Jabbar to rest victory away from the hands of familiar defeat. Both players scored zero. So goes the season.

Keywest Jerrytown Smokers 82 Cambria Otters 37 In a somewhat unorthodox move, the two team owners scheduled a press conference together on Friday night. They had been meeting all through the week and seemed impressed with each other. Owner Robert Oauoa announced that he "liked Don (Cherry) so much that he decided to play without a tight end this weekend." This touching tribute made Cherry wipe away a few tears but he made no such homage. Two days later, the Smokers seemed to have forgotten the nice move by the Otters and stomped them all over the gridiron. They scored 6 touchdowns and were led by DE Greg Ellis' season high 15 points. Dan Marino overcame 4 turnovers to score 3 points. Emmitt, Ricky Dudley, and Ike Hilliard also scored touchdowns in the largest blow out of the season. In a rare occurrence, brothers met on the field as big Rocket outscored the slightly smaller Missile to the score of 12 to 4. Terry Allen scored the only touchdown for the Otters who were the first team to score in the 30's. Allen's 10 points were matched by a bruised Al Del Greco who had asked for the game off after being brutalized by the McNairs but was given no such leave. The Otters had received remarkably consistent QB play in the first three weeks, but their luck dried up with the somewhat shocking insertion of Jim Harbaugh. Even Harbaugh was startled and he scored -2. Lawrence Phillips and JJ Stokes also did not score. Oauoa seemed undaunted in spite of the crushing loss. "I'm sure we'll do better next week!" he chimed.

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