TOP STORY: SMOKERS FIELD HALF A TEAM; SMOKE FARF, BULL CITY
Other Story: Losers Claim Toilet Bowl, Otters Lose Seventh Straight.
Key West Jerrytown Smokers 76 Bull City Bears 54 This game featured one owner who is trying to overcome his team's handicaps and the other who creates handicaps for himself. The struggles of Owner Randy Chambers and his #1 pick, Inbred Moron Brent Farf are well chronicled but they took another strange turn this weekend. Pundits figured Farf would be able to play well against a team that was only fielding one defensive player, but Farf seems to have lost a step (because he certainly couldn't lose any more brain cells). The Bears (and that is a discredit to the Bear name) scored only two touchdowns and lost for the second week in a row. When a team is led in scoring by their kicker, they generally lose. Mike Vanderjagt did have a good game as he nailed 13 points, but no one else showed up. The team seemed befuddled by Farf's constant calling of audibles which he made up as he went along. The ageful Jerry Rice said, "Somebody has to take control of that guy. And somebody has to throw me the ball. I was open all game long." Rice scored zero. The one highlight of the Bears offense was upstart Marcus Robinson who scored 5 points. Clearly showing the way to a change were the Bear back up QB's. Kordell Stewart scored 8 and Damon "the Demon" Huard scored 16. People in Jerrytown are a bit confused by their team's shenanigans. Last year when Owner Don Cherry didn't switch players on the bye week or played studs like Mac Strong, his team invariably lost. Perhaps it was the inside knowledge of Farf getting overconfident, but Cherry decided not to play a kicker, third wideout and left a third of his defense off the field. This put an extra strain on the players that were on the field, but amazingly they came through. Steve Beuerlein threw for three TD's and 23 points to lead the squad. Freddie Jones scored a TD from the TE position. Emmitt Smith provided the capper with 21 points in his Monday night performance but broke his hand in the process. He will be out several weeks but that in no terms means that he won't be in the Smoker line up. Cherry said, "Why play all of the guys when playing some will work? I think I have stumbled onto a great new strategy. I think I will put this on the back of my Internet sheet that contains the secret formula to Stacks."
The Losers 76 Cambria Otters 50 With these two teams languishing at the bottom of the standings with only a win apiece, this game was dubbed "The Toilet Bowl." Owner Dan Weitz and his players seemed to take offense at this mockery and came out to annihilate the woeful Otters. The Loser running attack has been gaining steam since Olandis Gary was brought on board. Gary scored a season high 19 points. He and his QB Jeff George have formed a duo called the "First-Last Name Boyz." George explained, "You see, we are both excellent players and we have first names as our last names... I guess it seemed more inspirational after we split that six pack of Bud Lite." George showed his excellence with three scores and 20 points. K Mike Hollis continued his fine play with 12 points. Although he didn't score, TE Ryan Wetnight set the tone for the game by gaining five hard fought yards on a crucial 4th and 4 yards-to-go play. He also blocked very well. The Otters fell for the 7th straight time. They have been blow out (losses by 25 points or more) 6 times this season, but one has to give a little bit of credit to Owner Don Oauoa. He refuses to give up. In a move of sudden impulse after the game, he cut traitorous Al Del Greco who didn't score. "I always knew something was wrong with that guy," said Oauoa, "He was killing team chemistry by whining to kick every time it became fourth down. I knew he couldn't make it from past 40 yards so he is gone!" The Otters did score three touchdowns which is three more than Barry Sanders has scored this season. Trade bait Qadry Ismail had 8 points and Mike Pritchard had 10. The team was led by LB Rob Fredrickson and his 15 large points. Jermaine Lewis scored -2 which set a new low for starting wide receivers.
Cville Wookies 93 Pear McNairs 84 After starting the season on a hot streak, the Wookies experience a bit of a lull. They seem to have come out of that lull as they scored over 90 points for the second straight week and knocked the McNairs off their first place perch. The Wookies, who lead the league in yardage and are the only team to have accrued 2000 yards in passing, rushing and receiving, were expecting a letdown due to their captain Drew Bledsoe being on the bye. Owner Will Mitchell said, "Before the game, I told them that Drew wished he could be here to root them on but he had scheduled a manicure months before the game. You know how hard those appointments are to make. Then I told them to win this one for the Scrolls." The team seemed to take their owner's words to heart as they put on an impressive scoring display. The ground game was especially impressive as the three runners combined for a record 45 points. E's Rhett and James had 20 and 19 points respectively. Replacement QB Charlie Batch scored 6 points. He has been on the trading block for over a month, but no one seems to want the top ten QB. Eric Moulds made his comeback felt as he scored 10 points and Jimmy Smith scored 11. The McNairs were surprisingly able to keep the game close even though bionic wonder Steve "Pear" McNair had an off game. He is still adjusting to the awesome power of his implants and has not perfected the touch. Some of amazing bombs floated a bit too long on him and that accounted for his three interceptions. McNair's favorite target Kevin Dyson had an off day as well with only two points. The McNairs scoring came from unusual places. Ricky Watters who had been held without a TD heretofore this season hit pay dirt twice and scored 20 points. Mike Alstott also boomed and banged his way to a score and 14 points. New McNair recruit Levon Kirkland had the team's best defensive day with 13 points. Despite the loss, the McNairs retained their number one standing. The 84 points scored by the McNairs were the highest total of a losing team this season. The team's first losing streak didn't seem to phase Owner Perry Missner's gleefulness. "I know we lost, but I don't feel bad. I am proud to announce the newest addition to the McNair team: DL Bryan Robinson who is known to block last second kicks of lousy teams that don't deserve to win."
St. Paul Panting Parishioners 94 San Francisco Cubists 77 Once considered a candidate for Toilet Bowl status, the Parishioners have turned things up a notch and have put together a nifty three game winning streak. They have become the hottest thing in the league with area stores selling out of the Parishioners jerseys and the cheerleaders' habits. The Panters have incorporated a bit more balance in their attack with more running plays and that has made all of the difference. Donnell Bennett filled in admirably for the injured Natrone Means by scoring a TD and 10 points. Yet this is still a passing team, more or less. Jon Kitna led the team with 18 points and three TD's. One of his touches went to Derrick Mayes who has 11 points. Albert Connell continued his strong play with another 11 points. Owner Steve Johnson gave most of the credit to his new kicker John Kasay who scored 15 points. Johnson said, "Kasay just told me to keep my feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. I have taken that advice to heart." The team's only disappointment came from Corey Bradford who had a weak 3 points. Opposing Owner Jason Moore was surprised by the speed of the Parishioner attack. "They were faster than Nell Carter going for seconds at the Sizzler," he said. While many of the Cubist starters played quite well, they were overshadowed by two bench performers. This year's Randy Moss, Germaine Crowell scored 20 points and he was matched by Mark Brunell. Those two players had Moore smacking himself in the forehead. K Jason Elam cured the Cubist kicking woes for at least a week with a team high 16 points. Chris Carter, Charlie Garner and Fred Taylor also scored in double digits. Moore, who has been described by some as sneaky fast, made a great waiver pickup by smuggling away Chris Warren before others could get a chance to get him. "J'aime Chris Warren," said Moore.
Allentown Chippies 81 Syracuse 44's 77 The Chippies forged their way into the four way first place tie with this big win over their rivals to the left, the 44's. Owner Aaron Jacoby knew he had an ace up his sleeve when he trotted out QB Payton Manning. This took away the 44's greatest weapon, Marvin Harrison. Jacoby instructed Manning to not throw to Harrison in the endzone and his QB complied. Now Manning has his own show without his sidekick, the Little Man who didn't score. The other Chippy show also had a replacement player. All-World wide receiver Isaac Bruce did not have an all world game with only 4 points. So the Chippies needed someone to replace Bruce in the Duce & Bruce show. Duce Staley had 15 large ones to keep his roll and he was complemented by new showpiece 'the Moosh.' Mushin Muhammed led the Chippies with 17 points and 2 TD's and now wants his contract renegotiated. "If those idiots on Friends can make a million bucks an episode, I should be making at least twice that," said Muhammed, "I hear that Kerry Collins is going to play himself on this week's episode and NBC is paying him a million bucks for that. What is this world coming to?" Collins reportedly would rather be playing for the Chippies but he will take whatever handouts he can get. The Chippies unusual defense of playing two DB's against runners has not hurt them yet. 44 runners Jerome Bettis and Terry Kirby did the best they could with 22 points between them. Owner John Stoer could only look on helplessly as backup runner Antowain Smith also scored 16. What a week for 44 runners. The passing game enjoyed a nice week as well. QB Doug Flutie carved up some nice 18 points and Tony Martin busted out for 12 more. The 44 let down came from an alarming source: the number one rated defense. Stoer brought in high priced free agents Junior Seau and Warren Sapp to crush the opposition with defensive captain Jesse Armstead on the bye but both performed in a substandard fashion for the second consecutive week. Stoer decided it was time to clean house and he cut both of them. For some odd reason he brought in Ken Norton Jr. Also, in a ploy that resembled 1998 antics, Stoer took Doug Flutie out and put in low rated Donovan McNabb. No one is sure if Stoer will play McNabb for real but one would wonder why he would put the same kind of mind job on his favorite son as he did last year on Ryan Leaf.
Minneapolis Monsoon 59 County Coroners 45 The Monsoon continued their somewhat charmed season by using smoke and mirrors to splotch together another ugly win. Their 59 points were a team season low, yet they managed to take out the woeful Coroners to gain their own admittance into the first place club. This was the second week in a row that the Monsoon had the lowest winning total. Owner Josh Wilk said, "It is indeed better to be lucky than good. but I think I know how to make this team better: play more Giants!" Only three players in the game were able to score in double figures. To no one's astonishment, none of them were monsoon runners. Minneapolis has the league's worst rushing attack with 200 yards less than any other team. The passing attack consisted of one player on this day: top choice Randy Moss. He scored 19 points on his own which was 10 more than the rest of the offense. Derrick Brooks led the defense with 15 points. The Monsoon were handed goose eggs by Aikman, Greg Hill, James Johnson and Jake Reed. Even normally steady Olindo Mare only scored 5 points. Speaking of steady players who had off games, #1 defensive stud Coroner Ray Lewis had his double digit game streak broken as he only scored 5 points. That was a microcosm (the biggest word that Dan Dierdorf knows) of the day for the Coroners. K Stevie Christie scored 13 points to lead the team but the team was unable to score any touchdowns. For the third week in a row, the Coroners received a naught from their QB position as Eric Zeier came up lame just before the game. Owner Chad Nuss said he had some interest in making his team a farm team for the San Francisco Cubists. Cubist management did not comment on this.
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