TOP STORY: CUBISTS USE MONDAY NIGHT MAGIC TO DEFEAT PREVIOUSLY UNDEFEATED CHIPPIES

Other Stories: McNairs, Bears top century mark in big wins.

San Francisco Cubists 70 Allentown Chippies 65 That championship air that was evident in San Francisco last fall has been all but forgotten about in the local rags as the Cubists lost their first two games. Something had to be done. Something radical. Owner Jason Moore saw the problem but he and his staff had troubles coming up with any new plays or strategies. Then a voice from the waiver wire changed everything. "Sign me, play me and throw to me in the endzone," said the voice. "Who's that?" said Moore. "I am," said the voice with a dramatic pause for just the right effect, "Jay Riemersma!" Clouds broke over the furrowed brow of Moore and one word came to mind, "Yes!" And so it was. Riemersma became a Cubist and scored one of their only two touchdowns in a great win for the entire West Coast. Even with Riemersma's great play, the Cubists found themselves down 8 points going into Monday's action. The heretofore unbeaten Chippies came out with a fire in front of the home folks. Last year the Chipmunks had been thoroughly undressed by the Cubists in front of a capacity crowd in Allentown. Revenge was on their minds. Unfortunately only half of the Manning and Little Man played well. Peyton Manning, still disturbed by being known as Vinny Testaverde's back up, lit the lamp for 22 points. Isaac "The Reverend" Bruce also had a touchdown for 10. The rest of the Chippies seemed unprepared for the game. This caused owner Aaron Jacoby to comment, "I don't know what their problem was out there. Our playbook is only 4 pages long. Harumph." Yet he thought he could still rely on the foot of Chris Jacke. Yet the former-Packer scored only 4 points, making a comeback Cubist win within grasp. It was set into motion by Ronald McKinnon's 4 points and when Charlie Garner scored a touchdown, victory was the Cubists. The game ball went to Jay Riemersma. Meanwhile, in a local drunk tank, Cubist Michael Irvin said he taught Riemersma all he knows, especially to motion wildly after each play and to always ask for interference.

Bull City Bears 103 County Coroners 66 The league's number one team continues to prevail despite having a growing hole at the QB slot. This week the Bears invaded the County and put an impressive 7 touchdowns on the board. Stephen Davis, who has finally cracked the starting line up, continued his surprising start by scoring three more touchdowns. He has wrested the league's number one ranking all to his lonesome. How long can his 20+ point barrage continue? Owner Randy Chambers was heard to utter that he thought Davis would continue as long as he continues to catch the ball. Huh? Eddie George put up a gorgeous 9, Tim Brown scored 14 and even Junior Ken Norton had 10 points. Meanwhile, at the league's most controversial position, Brent Farf somehow scored 12 points although it looked as if the referees overlooked a number of clear penalties to allow him to score 11 of those points. A confused and weary Farf fell down on the bench after the game and wept "to Mama." These actions were denounced leaguewide for morale purposes and Farf will be suspended for the next week. Sadly, it looks like the moron's back ups are almost as inept as he is. Once thought to be decent enough trade bait, Jake Plummer and Kordell Stewart combined for 7 turnovers and -4 points together. Needless to say, trade talk for either of them has simmered down. Speaking of trades, it looks as if Owner Chad Nuss knows exactly what he is doing when trading. Recent additions to the Coroners, Todd Peterson (18), Rich Gannon (18) and Tony Gonzalez (10) scored 46 points. Isn't it a shame that all three players were on the Coroner bench. The players on the field turned out to be the hard luck losers for the second week in a row as they amassed the highest total for a losing team in weeks two and three. Nuss commented, "It's a shame we don't get to play Dean & Simmons more often." The Coroners only scored one TD from Randall Cunningham. Steve Christie did have an excellent game with 14, but the usual Coroner defense (19 points) and kicking was not enough to beat the Bears.

Pear McNairs 108 Cambria Otters 64 Some early week talk of smack made this battle between two .500 teams much more intense than had been anticipated. Someone in the McNair camp invoked the 'bye week' moniker which the Otters did not take lightly. They shot back with comments about how Al Del Greco ruled and how a certain team in Chicago "was not as good as they could be." Things calmed down before the game, but once the coin was flipped it looked as if the McNairs were out for blood. On the opening kick off, that nefarious Del Greco was speared three times. By the end of the game, he had been speared, clipped, gouged and de-pantsed over forty times. No penalties were called because the refs seemed to think the traitor deserved it. That lousy kicker was by no means the star of the game. The McNairs accumulated point after point through the air and on the ground. They scored a record 9 touchdowns in leading to their record 108 points. The Curt backfield of Warner, Enis and Conway scored 45 points. Their combined response was "So what?" That's what I call curt. In all, McNair runners combined for 45 points, led by Tim Biakabatuka's 20. Lawyer Milloy couldn't stop the running and he allowed 5 extra points. After the game a bemused Perry Missner told reporters that he had asked Warner to make me have a QB controversy near Halloween, then winked at Steve "Pear" McNair. The injured QB is healing nicely after having his bone structure altered in what is being called "the Steve Austin procedure." The greatly feared Case to Ismail combo failed to show itself but QB Sneaky did get 2 TD runs for 14 points. Terry Allen scored a TD as well for 9 points. After the game, Owner Robert Oauoa commended the McNairs for their excellent play and was reported to be considering cutting the devilish kicker who had so riled up his opponent.

Cville Wookies 65 St. Paul Panting Parishioners 48 The Cville Wookies remained unbeaten as they beat the punchless Parishioners in a sloppy game. The heaven sent combo of Bledsoe to Coates was not able to live up to its week 2 performance and scored a mere 6 points between them. Curtis Martin picked up his former patriots with a TD and 11 points. Jellybean Jimmy Smith led the team with 14 points. New pick up Willie McGinest scored 2. One move that surprised most of the experts was the benching of young Edgerrin James who scored a silent but deadly 7. Commenting on this move, Owner Will Mitchell said, "I was afraid that his head was going to get as big as his hair." Backup QB Charlie Batch had another big game with 14 points. His agent said that Charlie had made a play me or trade me demand, but Mitchell did not seem too interested. "Chemistry, my good man, chemistry," said Mitchell. Across the gridiron, the 1999 season has gone from worse to even worse for Owner Steve Johnson. It was quite a turbulent week for the Panters. First, #1 draft choice Jamal Anderson went down with a season ending injury. Somehow, Johnson was able to get another owner to agree to a trade for Anderson in exchange for a Bus and a pile of wood. There was a leaguewide protest and the Anderson trade was dropped. It was an even uglier week for the Parishioners on the field. They scored no touchdowns and were led by two defensive players who scored 8 points. Their offensive players were led by a girl. Not good. The one bright spot was coveted waiver pick up Neil O'Donnell who scored 2 touchdowns. Sadly, Johnson won't play him because he believes that Jon Kitna might be the next moron in town.

Syracuse 44's 73 Dean & Simmons, I Can't Lose 46 The Phil Stoer hex seems to have been broken for good and it looks like the Brothers Stoer are well on their way to a reunion. There had been some speculation during the week that owner John would start favored QB Donovan McNabb but a midweek telegram from the younger Phil caused John to change his mind. The telegram was reported to have said, "Play Flutie because he is small and cute." Who could argue with that? Flutie did not disappoint and he danced and pranced his way for 9 points. Marvin Harrison continued to amaze onlookers as he scored an amazing 19 points with only one touchdown. Perhaps Harrison's tutoring is rubbing off on rookie Kevin Johnson as he scored a TD for the second straight week. Quasi-evil Brent Conway also chipped in a nice ten points. The 44's also used the defensive strategy in the proper manner taking away three points from an already beleaguered Loser team. Owner Dan Weitz said, "It is tough to take any positives away from a game like this, but at least none of the players scored in the negative." That's true. Kijana Carter did get hurt when he entered the game and didn't score. Aaron Beasley rekindled 44 memories of Dwayne Washington with his interception return for a score, but his 12 points accounted for the only Loser in double figures. It didn't help matters that runners Ricky Williams and Karim Abdul Jabbar were both on the bye. Going into Monday night, the Can't Lose team only needed 30 points from Steve Young and JJ Stokes. It was possible, but Young doesn't appear to be the same MVP runner up as he was in 1998. He scored 6 before having his bell rung and Stokes didn't make it into the scoring column. Once again, the Einure arrived in the owner's box late in the game with the offer to take over the team and lead them to respectability. A few minutes after this offer was received, security was seen taking the Einure away.

Minneapolis monsoon 80 Key West Jerrytown Smokers 65 Quarterback controversies seem to be running wild in week three as the monsoon were criticized then praised for their handling of the week without Troy Aikman. When early insert Elvis Grbac scored 16 points, callers to sports radio were calling for owner Josh Wilk's head on a stick. Later on Sunday when Kent Graham also scored 16, those callers were eating crow and Wilk was smiling brightly. "Who's the man?!?" he yelled. It could have also been Daedric Ward (10), Ensign Wesley Walls (6) or Randy Moss (6) who all scored TD's. Donovan Darius once again set the tone of play by blasting Smoker TE Tyrone Davis on the first play from scrimmage. Davis would not be heard from again. Away from the field, negotiations between monsoon management and star WR Joey Galloway have completely broken down. Wilk just shrugged his shoulders and said, "No Joey, no cry." No team was hurt by the bye more than Smokers. Without Dan Marino and Emmitt Smith, the team seemed to lack the veteran leadership that had led them to victory in week two. Marshall Faulk and Mike Alstott did knock over the monsoon secondary for 19 points with a strategic addition of 5 points (the most this season). Steve Beuerlein tried to back up Aikman just like he used to, but only scored 8 points. The defense was a big disappointment for the Smokers as they only combined to score 8 points. When asked if he was disillusioned by the loss, Owner Don Cherry looked up, looked at the piece of paper in his hand which just happened to be the schedule for week 4 and said, "well, we'll be back up to .500 next week." Bold prediction.

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