TOP STORY: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE: MONSOON EDGE CHIPPIES FOR SOLE POSSESSION OF FIRST PLACE
Other Stories: Mitchell: "What the hell happened to my team?" - Wookies buried by Coroners.
Minneapolis Monsoon 73 Allentown Chippies 70 The team from Minneapolis is rolling toward a championship like a, well, for lack of a better word, a Monsoon. Each obstacle that is put in their way is, one way or another, obliterated. Like all good teams, the Monsoon just find a way to win. This week they were faced with their stiffest competition - the suddenly slumping but always potent Allentown Chippies. Owner Aaron Jacoby saw an opportunity to get back into the top slot by knocking off the Monsoon who had less that full respect for. "Look at all of those receivers," Jacoby said, "Oooh, I am so scared!" His team has shown balance all season with the many shows they put on but one of their leading players was out of action. James "Little Man" Stewart hurt his leg and couldn't play. His partner Peyton Manning played well despite the loss with a couple of TD's and 13 points. He was the only Chippies to score a TD. None of the other Chippy starters scored more than 6 points with the Duce & Bruce show combining for a paltry 9 points. The main story for the Chippies were the shows that were pre-empted. Mooshmania was back in full force but went unseen in most of the country. Moosh had a huge 26 points and led big scores from many of the bench players. Az-Fleas Hakim scored 17, Sam Shade 12, Brian Greese 14 and on and on. Even Kerry Collins had an outstanding 7 points which made the Chippy fans wonder when he would be put in the lineup. Only two weeks left, you know. The Chippy defense had an outstanding day with Miller, Patton and Green combining for 27 points. They even stacked up to the #1 defense in the league. Derrick Brooks and Troy Vincent combined for 21 but Miami alum Jesse Armstead only had 2. Minuscule Doug Flutie managed to equal Manning's 13, but the Monsoon found themselves down 27 points going into Monday night. That hurdle was no problem for bratty Randy Moss who almost made up the difference by himself. He scored 2 TD's and 18 points. Ryan Longwell, Antonio Freeman and Jake Reed were able to score 14 more points. The Monsoon are now 5-2 in games decided under 10 points. The rumors swirling around Minneapolis are that should the Monsoon take the title, Owner Josh Wilk will ride off into the sunset and retire from fantasy sports. Wilk refused to confirm or deny these reports, but would go on the record as saying, "No one can say that all of these Monsoon wins are merely luck. I am good - damn good!"
County Coroners 97 Cville Wookies 59 After feeling fortunate with escaping Week 14 with a 50-46 win, Owner Will Mitchell thought his team giving him headaches with low scores was a thing of the past. He was under the impression that star QB Drew Bledsoe was finally breaking out of his slump and would start posting all-pro numbers. Oh, how mistaken he was. Bledsoe committed 6 turnovers this week on the way to his worst performance of the season: a score of -3. The team tried to rally and Ben Coates led the way with a sensational 2 points. Seriously, Edgerrin James continued his way up the charts with another strong game: 2 TD's and 18 points. Eric Moulds also had a nice game with 11 points, but that was it for the formerly number one ranked team. The defense was especially bad with only 8 points. James Hasty did not even play and was at the center of Mitchell's post game tirade. When a local reporter asked Mitchell if he thought his players were giving 110% like in past weeks, Mitchell went ballistic. "I know the guys are busting their butts every day in practice and they try damn hard each Sunday to put on a good show for friggin idiots like you. What the hell is wrong with my team? I don't know, nimwit, but if you have any answers, I am all damn ears." The nimwit left the conference room quietly. The County Coroners are always pleased to see a dying team come their way. The probably performed the last rites on the Wookies championship chances with an all out assault. TE Tony Gonzalez led the way with a record 18 points for his position. He has also knocked off everyone's least favorite player, Wesley Walls, from the top Tight End slot. Tyrone Wheatley also had a tremendous game with 19 points and 2 TD's. Rich Gannon had another touchdown and Rod Smith scored 11 points. Demond Parker spelled the tired Dorcas Levens and had 2 points. Levens had 13, but it didn't matter at all. Owner Chad Nuss commented, "I know that we are eliminated but we are finding new ways to win down the stretch. Last year we became a factor with kicking and defense. This year we are tight ending people to death and I love it." The 97 Coroner points represented a season high. The Coroners have scored more than 70 points for 6 straight weeks and have the distinction of allowing the most points of any team besides the sorry Otters: 1156 points or 77 points a week.
Syracuse 44's 79 Pear McNairs 78 The McNairs thought they had the ultimate secret weapon to defeat their long time rival 44's. The secret weapon was kept hush-hush for weeks and most of the McNair players did not even know about his meetings with Owner Perry Missner and Steve "Pear" McNair. Early Saturday morning, Owner John Stoer's least favorite Redskin, Brian Mitchell was signed up by the McNairs. A discombobulated Stoer was so amazed by the move that he brought in three defensive backs to replace his more conventional defense. Some saw this ploy as a form of taunting but Brian Mitchell's eyes grew big and he said, "If they're giving, then I am taking." To say that Mitchell was sensational would be a great understatement. He ran, returned punts and kickoffs and generally buoyed the McNair spirits by being scrappy and signaling every first down in pure Cowboy style. He didn't even fumble. QB Kurt Warner continued his excellent play with a couple of TD's and 16 points and Priest Holmes had another good day with 9 points. Sunday was a kind of candy and nuts day for the McNairs as the performances on the field were greatly overshadowed by those not playing. A back up team of Cade McNown (28), Marcus Robinson (29), the Patrick Jeffers Experiment (15) and Jay Riemersma (10) would have beaten the 44's with their combined 82 points (without defensive asjustments). Even Steve McNair got in on the act with 19. The 44's had their share of good performances: late replacement Elvis Grbac and former 44 Ricky Watters scored 14 points a piece. Qadry Ismail continued his late season push with another 13 points and Olindo Mare dedicated his 12 points to his daughter, Olampkin, who was sick at home with the chicken pox. The game was extremely close until the late moments of Sunday night when sticky fingered Rob Moore pulled in his first TD in weeks and came home with 8 points. As Moore grabbed the TD, a sleeping Stoer rolled over and murmurred, "Mmmmmm, good." After the game, things got a bit ugly in the McNair lockerroom. A shoving match between Mitchell (who had guaranteed victory) and stinky bad Mike Alstott started when Mitchell accused Alstott of being on the dole. It is true that if Alstink had not fumbled, the McNairs would have won. Both players were cut by a distraught Missner who promised a full investigation of the Alstott fumble. More to come on that issue.
St. Paul Panting Parishioners 62 Bull City Bears 56 Everyone knew that sooner or later, the Bull City Bears would be let down in a serious way by their inbred moron QB Brent Farf (who some are just calling B'arf these days). The Bears had a chance to move into a game out of first place and get some real momentum rolling into the end of the season. Going into Monday Night's game, they trailed the Panters by just 8 points in a low scoring battle. Sunday featured few touchdowns and many low scores from each side. The Panters were led by QB Jon Kitna who has tried to steer away from comparisons to Farf by limiting his interception totals in recent weeks. Kitna chipped in with 13 points and two TD's. He his both Albert Connell (12) and Derrick Mayes (10) for TD's. K John Carney also had a good day with 3 field goals. Girl Glenn reverted to his feminine ways and scored 2 points while dropping numerous balls. Natrone Means furthered the Panting running woes with a naught. The Bears got their points in unusual ways. TE Frank Wycheck threw for a TD and totalled 8 points. Michael Westbrook came through with a two point conversion but little else. WR Tim Brown scored the only other Bear TD. In the recurring theme of the week, the best Bear performance came from the bench. LB Donnie Edwards had an enormous day with 23 points. His total included 11 tackles, 2 passes defended, 2 interceptions, a TD and a partridge in a pear tree. What a shame he wasn't in the lineup. Starting LB Wali Rainer had 4 points. DB Donnie Abraham has defied all odds and kept scoring at a good clip. He had 7 points this week, but was disappointed to learn that he had been benched although he was going to line up against interception machine Farf in Week 16. That decision must have been while looking at Robert Griffith's strong 12 point performance. The Panters had four players going on Monday night to combat Farf. The four players scored 10 points led by Leroy Hoard's TD. Farf, meanwhile, did what he does best: make a mockery of the game of football. He ran wildly around making crazy (and useless) fakes to players who were or were not there. He managed to cut his turnovers down to 4, but gave 4 points to the Parishioners. Owner Steve Johnson accepted Farf's alms, but kept silent after the game. Owner Randy Chambers commented, "I really ought to bench Farf. I really ought to, you know, but I know that the fans pay to see him play." A collection in Bull City is being produced to get Chambers to bench the moron.
San Francisco Cubists 95 The Losers 73 With the Monsoon winning their 11th game, this match up became a contest of pride. Both teams entered the game on relative hot streaks and both continued on their lukewarm way after the game. The famed Cubist running attack has been working in fifth gear the past few weeks and old monster head Fred Taylor made a stunning late season appearance. He appeared a bit lost without his two injured buddies early on, but he made up for his lack of knowledge of the play book by breaking a few long runs in the second half and scoring 15 points. Charlie Garner played well again with 10 points. QB Brad Johnson had a fine game with 10 and overcame his own injury curse for yet another week. Many bets have been lost on this point. The biggest surprise of the week came from the Cubist defense. In the words of Owner Jason Moore, they went "crazy." Crazy, indeed. Rudd had 15, Fields 11 and McKinnon 8 for a grand total of 34 points. This is the high water mark for defenses this season. Moore attributed the high score to his sneaking a patty of ground chuck and putting it in opposing QB Jeff George's pants. Moore giggled with delight every time one of his starving linebackers stormed the pocket and hit George. George did play well despite the extra baggage. He scored a couple of TD's and had 18 points. His favorite target was Amani Toomer who has been playing out of his gourd of late. He scored 10 points without the benefit of a TD. Olandis Gary also had 13 points, but the Losers really missed their Bengals. Scott and Pickens were replaced by Graham and Kennison who totaled a skimpy 4 points. Owner Dan Weitz was pleased by his team's scoring over 70 points for the 9th straight week and said, "We are just playing against ourselves now." The topic of Ricky Williams did not please Weitz as much, "Jesus H. Christ, "said Weitz when asked when Williams would be back on the grid iron, "R. Will seems to be too busy combing his stupid hair or getting that disgusting thing in his tongue replaced to do any rehab on his poor, wittle turf toe. This the last time I trade all of my draft picks for one player, unless that player happens to be named Tony Dorsett." We do have to give kudos to the Loser defense for continuing to lead the league in forces fumbles and fumble recoveries. Loser defense, you are the fumble masters.
Key West Jerrytown Smokers 98 Cambria Otters 77 The Smokers have had a tendency to take the weaker teams too lightly but Owner Don Cherry gave his team a rip-roaring speech before the game because he knew that they were only three games out with three to play. "I know the odds are against us," he was reported to say, "But I swear to God in heaven that if you boys lose to the Otters, I will cut each and every one of you." As the players feared for their jobs, they went out and kicked butt. The butt kicking was led by tremendous Steve Beuerlein who scored a season high 32 points and is now the second rated player in all of fantasy land. He scored 4 touchdowns for the Smokers who are now tied for the league lead with 70 TD's. RB Emmitt Smith played through an injury and managed 15 points while Rocket Ismail had 8. The lone sore point for the Smokers was DL Greg Ellis who was in the line up despite being knocked for the season last week. Cherry seemed up to his old tricks but surprised everyone by cutting Ellis (despite his weeks of good service) and picking up defensive stalwart Marco Coleman. Speaking of surprises, what is up with the Otters. They shocked the world with 77 points against the Cubists, only to set a new low with 22 points in Week 14. They were back shocking the world with 77 points in Week 15. They even put an early scare into the Smokers with big points coming from the starting backfield. QB Tony Banks seems to have overcome his own fumblitis and scored 17 points. One of TD throws was to WR Justin Armour who rang up 11 points. Nappy Kaufman blew through the defense for 20 points which set a new high for Otter players. Even cranky old man Jerry Rice scored a TD and made 9 points. Of course, there were plenty of sad performances for the Otters. Terry Allen and Hines Ward refused to score again. K Michael Husted was attacked before the game by Super Joe Nedney and didn't score. When asked who would be back next year, Owner Don Oauoa said, "No one has scored more points in fantasy history than Jerry Rice. I know he isn't what he once was, but he will be my #1 pick next year. Well, either him or Barry Sanders."
-----------------------Greg Ostertag Press------------------------------------------
Time is running short for your end of season votes. A few owners have already chimed in on the awards which are: Owner of the Year, MVP, Best Defensive Player, Rookie of the Year, Most Surprising Player, Future #1 Pick and Most Disappointing Player. You can change your vote through January 6th (a new deadline) but don't forget to vote.