TOP STORY: MONSOON CHAMPIONS!!!

Other Stories: Levens, Beuerlein each score 34, Lead Coroners, Smokers to wins.

Minneapolis Monsoon 93 Syracuse Black 44's 73 Throughout the season, the Monsoon attracted many doubters. Look at that anemic running attack, people said. Nobody can win with just wide receivers, said others. I am going to take the Monsoon to town, said many owners when looking at their roster and previous results. Yet not enough teams could step and get the better of Owner Josh Wilk's team. Their toughest challenge appeared to be in Week 17 as it looked like the Monsoon was going to face an orange crush of Syracuse Alum. Owner John Stoer had been trading like a fiend to make this historic all Orangeman line up possible against fellow Orange Alum Wilk. Things started falling apart on the plan when Stoer learned that WR Kevin Johnson would be on the bye. Then QB Donovan McNabb got hurt. The team strayed from excellence and Stoer strayed from his plan. There was a good Syracuse presence but the team seemed divided. The Orange alum refused to score since their compatriots were stuck on the bench. The non-Orange Black 44's had no problems with scoring. QB Elvis Grbac led the team with three scores and 22 points. Non-Orange runners Jerome Bettis, last year's most disappointing player, and Mike Alstink, sure to get some votes in that category this year, both scored touchdowns. Marvin Harrison did end the year as the top wide receiver but only managed to score 3 points. The Black 44's were in fact the league leaders in receiving yards. The Monsoon earned their share of season ending accolades as well. They ended the season with the top ranked defense and the most field goals. TE Wesley Walls ended his break out season with a bang. He had two more trips to the house and 17 points to rescue his number one ranking from Tony Gonzalez. Randy Moss also had another strong game with 16 points and Troy Aikman bookended his season with 17 points. The big surprise came from Joe Montgomery who scored a TD and 10 points to become the highest Monsoon runner scorer of the season. DL Jevon Kearse put the final nail in the coffin with a touchdown (13 points) from the defensive side. Upon receiving the Modano Mi Hermano trophy on Monday, Wilk spoke to his millions and millions of fans. "With this championship," he stated, "I have nothing left to prove in the realm of fantasy. Boys, I'll see you in the 'real life.'" Wilk did not respond to his fans cheers of "One More Year." Inside sources say that he could come back next year, but he is taking a Barry Sanders stance. Very quiet.

Key West Jerrytown Smokers 115 Allentown Chippies 49 If Owner Don Cherry had one wish in this new year, it would be for the fantasy football season to last about five more weeks. His Smoking team started the season in a mediocre fashion but had found their leader in the late weeks of the season. That leader was Steve Beuerlein. The former Cowboy backup lit up the league in the second half with all-pro performance after all-pro performance. He saved the best for last with 5 amazing touchdowns and 34 points - a season high from the QB position. He scored 15 points or more 7 straight weeks. The Smokers ended up with the top scoring offense and most passing yards in the league. Beuerlein credited Cherry for showing him that he was forgetting to follow through on his deep passes. Cherry was said to be interviewing for the opening in New Orleans as the new QB coach for the Saints. "I like guys named Billy Joe," said Cherry. Beuerlein had a bit of help with the Smokers amassing a season high for points. RB Marshall Faulk scored 2 TD's and 19 points to end as the #2 rusher for the season. The Smokers helped pull the plug on the Chippy season. There were times during the season that the show of shows looked like it could run forever, but even My So-Called Life was canceled. The once top-rated Manning & the Little Man failed to produce a TD as the hit combo failed for only three points. Duce had to hold up the Duce & Bruce show as he scored a final TD and 8 points while his buddy Bruce was also held scoreless. Moosh did have a minor success with the other Chippy TD and 9 points but it wasn't enough to avert the worst loss this season. Owner Aaron Jacoby could only shake his head and say, "Just imagine if Vinny Testaverde hadn't got hurt in week one." Yes, just imagine. One would have thought that Cherry would have called off the dogs on Monday night, but merely doubling his compatriot's points was not enough. Terrance Mathis and Terrell Owens were allowed to free reign in the secondary and they both scored touchdowns. For next year, Cherry promised to beef up the league's worst defense. "Worse than the Otters," he said, "I knew something wasn't right, but I will be sure to remind Mr. Jacoby of my 115 points on Friday." I can't wait.

County Coroners 117 Pear McNairs 76 The County, tucked away in a pocket of the country which is often unvisited, can often be forgotten. The Coroner is not one of the more recognized professions in America as well. When was the last time you saw Richard Gere or Harrison Ford portraying a coroner? Sometimes the County Coroners have to make statements for their region of the country and their profession. In week 17, they did just that. The Pear McNairs had their eyes on the prize and did not concentrate on the opposing team. Dorcas Levens went medieval on the McNairs by scoring four touches and 34 points - a runner season high that equaled Steve Beuerlein's season high for one game performance. Fellow Coroner runner also scored two touchdowns and 19 points. The Coroner two man running attack broke the two back set record with 53 points. They were complemented by QB Rich "The Cannon" Gannon who scored three touches of his and 20 points. TE Tony Gonzalez finished his fine season with one last trip to pay dirt and 9 points. K Todd Peterson also had a nice game with 9 points as did Cris Dishman with 10. Each time the Coroners scored a touchdown, Owner Chad Nuss thrust his fist in the air as if to say "This is for all of the people living in the County who have been overlooked!" He thrust his fist ten times and was quite tired by the end of the game. The McNairs ended their season with a pretty fair performance. Owner Perry Missner complained that QB Kurt Warner only played one half of the Rams game so his 10 points should have been prorated to 20. But there was no one he could fault but himself for taking WR Torry Holt out of the line up just minutes before the kick off. It went to figure that Holt would score two TD's (one from Warner) and 20 points. The late season of the Patrick Jeffers experiment continued as the whitey from Carolina scored another two TD's and 24 points. The McNair defense tackled well, but as usual couldn't come up with any big turnovers. The McNairs only managed two interceptions all season long.

San Francisco Cubists 86 Bull City Bears 74 The hottest team in the league continued to their hopeless march toward the upper echelon of the league. The Cubists could not be stopped once they were mathematically eliminated from the championship evoking fond memories of the Bruce Coslet Bengals. Owner Jason Moore couldn't grouse about his team's late season heroics. "I'd like to see any other team score 80 points or more in six straight games and have the best running yardage attack in the league. That's right, no one but the Cubists did." Moore had to be restrained from lashing out at the press further. Moore did seem to press all of the late season buttons correctly. For example, who else would have thought of bringing WR Bill Scroter out of the doghouse in order to neutralize Bull City QB Brent Farf? Old Scroter did more than that by catching both of Farf's TD passes. Farf did manage to somehow scored 17 points ending a very disappointing season. He was almost equaled by the greatest Jewish QB of all time - Jay Fiedler who was a surprise starter for the Cubists. Fiedler scored 12 while usual starter Brad Johnson only scored one point. RB Fred Taylor also recalled days of Cubist lore with 17 points on two TD's. Robert Smith, who apparently will not be back with the Cubists next year, scored the final TD and ended up with 11 points. We must give kudos out to the Bears' Owner Randy Chambers for his innovative offense. For the first time this season, a team lined up two tight ends. If figured to help the running game, but that turned out to be untrue. The vaunted Davis-George running attack were poor. Davis did not play and George played sparingly with only 2 points. That was the undoing of the Bears. Second TE Frank Wycheck did score 17 points and will certainly be a Bear next year. Chambers could only lament on his lost season, "One would have thought that since I had the first pick and he was one of the few first rounders to survive the season, I would have been golden." Hopefully Chambers has learned the way of his folly. Be Farf, be not first.

Cville Wookies 79 Cambria Otters 59 Owner Will Mitchell knew that there was no kinder way to end the season. Someone had to end with the bye week, so why not him? His team had performed quite well all season and he thought they deserved a break. He played super rookie Edgerrin James sparingly and he only scored 5 points. Prized QB Drew Bledsoe also didn't play his best game as he tossed but one TD pass and scored a meager 6 points. Methinks Mitchell expected a bit more when tabbed Bledsoe in the draft. His other players picked up the what slack remained. Curtis Martin had a nice day with 19 points on just one TD and Frank Colonel Sanders scored 13 more points. Even good, old Jimmy Smith scored 11 points. Mitchell said, "I don't know what else I could have done for Coates (2 points) and Bledsoe to make them feel more comfortable in Cville. I gave them each a case of WillBurt beer and even let them use the remote." Nevertheless the legendary combo was slightly less than great. The Wookies were also hurt by Junior Seau who had hurt a number of teams this season. He didn't play and left a gaping hole in the Wookie defense. Fortunately, the Otters were too inept to take advantage. Tony Banks authored up another negative performance. That was the fourth time an Otter QB had taken points away from his team this year. Terry Allen, ever the Patriot, refused to run against Patriots' fanatic Mitchell and only scored 1 point. Nevertheless, Don Oauoa's team did have some good performances. For example, Hines Ward added 12 points to his resume with a touchdown and a two point conversion. Nappy Kaffy also scored a TD and his 9 points were equaled by the antediluvian Jerry Rice. Lawyer Milloy led the Otters with 13 proving that not all Patriots refuse to play against Will. The Otters ended the season with the worst offense, passing and receiving yards and number of points scored. Their offensive points were nearly doubled by the Smokers. The Wookies, on the other side of the coin, ended the season with the most yards. If only yards counted for more. If only, if only.

St. Paul Panting Parishioners 64 The Losers 42 Things seemed sure to crash in loser land as old friends Dean & Simmons showed up for the game. None of the Losers could concentrate with all of the shouting and chest bumping between the two 'men' who nearly ran the franchise into the ground. Olandis Gary had not been part of the team when D&S were around and seemed totally flustered. The normally sure handed and swift back was unable to score and he set the precedent for the team. There were only two Loser TD's scored as the team reverted back to its early season form. Dave Moore did score a TD on a catch from awkward Jeff George. George announced after the game that he was, indeed, Tom Arnold's long lost twin brother. The Loser receiving corps also was not particularly sharp as the four receivers combined for 9 points with none of them scoring over 2. Yet Dean & Simmons also had an adverse effect on the Parishioners. Their Sunday performance was equally awful. They only scored one touchdown - Leroy Hoard on a one yard dive (8 points). Their starting backfield, except for Hoard, was held scoreless as Jon Kitna, Albert Connell (DNP) and Tony McGee gave their team nothing. The game seemed sure to be the lowest scoring game of the season until Monday night. It was Tim Dwight's time to shine. The little guy from Iowa (a quote from George Michael) was all over the place. He scored on two passes and another on a punt return. His performance woke everyone in St. Paul up and gave the Parishioners a reason for hope after the season. Sadly, Owner Steve Johnson announced that Dwight had become an unrestricted free agent after the game because his salary demands were crazy. He had the audacity to ask for an aisle seat on the team's Value Jet flights even though he knew that would be an extra 5%. Owner Dan Weitz summed up the season like this, "If the Einar can beat me at it, then you know that fantasy football is a bunch of b*ll s*it!" Bill's Spit, eh?

--------------------Clearly Running Out of Gas Press---------------------------------

And here is your reminder to vote for the season ending awards. If you don't remember they are: MVP, Best Owner, Rookie of the Year, Defensive Player of the Year, Most Surprising Player, Most Disappointing Player, and Future #1. This last category needs some defining. It is the player you would select if you have the first pick next year. And he can be on your current roster, but only for that category. I have already received votes from 5 teams and I sincerely hope that the rest of you decide to vote. If I haven't heard from you in a few days, I'll send out one last, gentle reminder.