TOP STORY: PAYOLA SCANDAL ROCKS LEAGUE, ALSTOTT APPEALS
Other Stories: Losers Beat Monsoon, 6 Teams Within One Game of the Championship
Syracuse Black 44's 78 St. Paul Panting Parishioners 63 In a season that began with scandal for the 44's, it looks like the team cannot move away from controversy for long. League investigators have found overwhelming evidence that RB Mike Alstink was actually on the Black 44's payroll for the last several weeks. That would explain his game losing performance in week 15 and his amazing comeback in week 16 in which the runner scored 2 TD's and 17 points which led his team to victory. The press has uncovered suspicious pictures of Alstink and Black 44's Owner John Stoer exchanging handshakes and an ominous envelope weeks before the McNair-44 Week 15 matchup. There have also been numerous reports of Alstink making major purchases with cash. Alstink enjoyed the Christmas season as he bought a faberge egg for his wife, isatoner gloves for his offensive line and brought in Van Halen for his New Year's Eve bash. Stoer brought in lawyer Johnny Cochrane to represent Alstott in his appeal. "If the pictures have been doctored," exclaimed Cochrane, "We'll have to call the proctor." It was just another quote from Cochrane's new book, "Rhyming Law, Timing's All." The now powerful running of Alstink helped the Black 44's to a season sweep of the Parishioners. No other Black 44 scored in double digits although both Elvis Grbec (2 TD's, 9 points) and Roland Williams (1,6) scored TD's. Marvin Harrison continued his #1 receiver play with 9 points on yards alone. The 44's have now scored in the 70's five weeks in a row. Even Jerome Bettis seemed encouraged by his new running mate as he scored 15 and plus sized Levon Kirkland scored 11. A good day for big men. The news was not so nice for the small market Parishioners. Not only did they lose again, they announced after the game that they had to cut 5 players due to salary cap restrictions. Gone from the Panter roster were QB O'Donnell, RB Rivers, RB Bennett, RB Means and DL Pryce. The Panters did receive some nice performances on the field. Jon Kitna scored 16 and Leroy Hoard 13 and they were able to stay on the team. The team was hurt by Rivers and Girl Glenn not playing. Glenn has been suspended for Week 17 because of rampant pussiness. K John Carney continued his strong play with 13 points. Owner Steve Johnson could only lament on things that might have been when he uttered, "Ya know, I might have been wise to take that Cubist trade way back when." Sadly, no one but him remembers what he is talking about.
The Losers 53 Minneapolis Monsoon 49 Something had to give in this matchup. The bottom dwelling Losers have been racking up points week after week but have been severely unlucky in losing most of those games. The Monsoon have had their share of good fortune this year by beating team after team who averages more points than they do. Yet, the Monsoon had a chance to wrap up the 1999 Championship with a win over the Losers. The Monsoon had handled the Losers 70 to 63 earlier in the season, but that was before Olandis Gary started playing so well. Gary, now the leader of the first-last name boys, scored 18 points against a defense designed to stop the pass and helped the Losers to open a big lead. Going into Sunday, the Losers held a 22 point advantage, but a Monsoon specialty this season has been the come back win. For whatever reason, the team just did not seem to have the "it" that launched them to so many wins. None of the Monsoon players actually touched the endzone as their only TD came from a Randy Moss scoring strike. LB Derrick Brooks continued his late season surge towards the #1 defensive player with 13 points, but no one else scored more than 7. The Monsoon defense continues to lead the league. Especially discouraging Owner Josh Wilk was the play of his offensive flex people. Antonio Freeman, Jake Reed and Joey Galloway combined for 4 points (a Monsoon Offensive Flex season low) with Reed and Galloway going completely scoreless. "Changes will be made," said Wilk who can complete the first ever double championship (he won baseball in 1998) if he can defeat arch-nemesis John Stoer in Week 17. The 49 points was a season low for the Monsoon who have yet to break 85 points. The Losers had their streak of scoring in the 70's broken at 9 games, but Owner Dan Weitz seemed satisfied with the win. "While I am not particularly content with playing the role spoiler," said Weitz, "I can see that this team is learning how to win. Soon we will be able to cream everybody." WR Amani Toomer kept his scoring average up as he scored 7 points. The rest of the team did just enough to win. The 53 point win is the lowest this season. The Losers' returning Bengals did not play as well as the players they replaced. Scott and Pickens scored 8 while the benched Kennison and Graham scored 25 points. Who would have guessed? TE Dave Moore scored one point.
Pear McNairs 85 Bull City Bears 81 This game spotlighted the effects of proper leadership. Under the cool guidance of QB Kurt Warner, the McNair franchise has soared to never before seen heights. Warner will attempt to become the only 300 point scorer in the league in Week 17 and he continued his break out season with 22 points in Week 16. This was contrasted by Bull City QB Brent Farf's 6 points and terrible leadership. Farf did manage to only throw 2 interceptions which was above average for him, but both came at crucial spots of the game during which the Bears were driving due to the running prowess of Eddie George and Terry Kirby. Farf did not seem to be on the same page as his receivers. TE Stephen Alexander, for example, did not score a point. The runners did the best they could, although Farf seemed more concerned with carrying out his elaborate fakes than handing the ball off properly. Kirby led the Bears with 14 points on two TD's and Eddie George backed him up with 8. Jonathan Linton came out of nowhere to score a TD but was limited to 4 points. Michael Westbrook had a strong game with 12 points and one trip to the house. The Bears kicking and defense were also excellent as Vanderjagt had 11 points and the defense scored 20 points led by #1 defensive back Robert Griffith's 10 points. The team showed all around consistency (besides the QB slot) that was not evident with the McNairs. The McNair players seemed awed by what Steve "Pear" McNair was doing from the bench. He scored 5 TD's and had a league high performance of 37 points. DL Warren Sapp was taken slack jawed by this performance and was unable to score. He was cut. The main player on the same page as Warner was the Patrick Jeffers Experiment. He blew up for 22 points on two TD's. K Jeff Wilkens continued to be the NFC's highest scoring kicker and he scored 10 points. Hicks and Robinson scored 6 apiece, but the McNairs found themselves in more of a battle than their week 5 95-51 shellacking of the Bears. Going into Monday night, the McNairs had to rely on ebullient WR Keyshawn Johnson to rescue to rescue them from a 2 point deficit. Owner Randy Chambers screamed, "Keep the damn ball away from him." Johnson sent both Chambers and Owner Perry Missner to bed early with a first quarter touchdown. Missner commented, "I like that guy," which just made Johnson smile.
Allentown Chippies 78 Cville Wookies 67 The public perception of the Allentown Chippies has been much different than the inside goings-on. The perception of the team has been that they were bunch of fun-loving guys who just loved to show their wares with just one piece missing when in fact the team has become a pressure cooker. Ever since heralded QB Kerry Collins finally made his appearance in Chippy camp, the team's performances has been on a downward spiral. The Chippies knew that they could not depend on Collins inspiration to get an important win over the Wookies. They banded together to form one all-star line up for just one show. The internal competition went away and Owner Aaron Jacoby was left with just one answer: He must sacrifice the greater good and cut Collins. Early this week, Jacoby said, "It was a very tough decision since Kerry is like a brother to me. But he understood and I know I will see him at the next kegger." There weren't any all-pro performances in the bunch for the Chippies but some solid play was featured. The Little Man was out of the line up again and Duce was also on the bye. The running attack featured to be depleted by a new player, Warrick Dunn, came on and had a strong game with a touchdown and 12 points. Bruce made up for his sleeping companion with his first touchdown in awhile. The real leader of the team was K Matt Stover who knocked in 5 field goals and totaled 17 points. Despite facing a defense made to stop Dunn (the Wookies played two DL's and Junior Seau), the Chippy receivers in the offensive flex only combined for 6 points - a season low from that group. The Wookies were surprisingly unprepared for this battle. RB Edgirrin James kept up his amazing rookie season with another three TD's and 25 points. He is now the top rated runner as he passed Stephen Davis who he had been chasing for weeks. Curtis Martin also had a strong game with 11 points and a score. The rest of the team was lackluster. The vaunted Bledsoe-Coates connection only scored 4 points. The team also received low marks from Eric Moulds, Keenan McCardell, Jason Hanson and Simeon Rice who all combined for 5 points. Last week's strong language from Owner Will Mitchell earned him a hefty fine from the league office, so he was meek this week. "Jeeze, I wish I could tell you that we deserved to win," said Mitchell, "but I think the only team we could have beaten this week would be the Otters." The Wookies will get their chance in Week 17.
San Francisco Cubists 104 Key West Jerrytown Smokers 82 These two teams have been second half revelations. Apparently, the mix on both rosters just needed some time to settle and ripen. The Smokers feature the league's best scoring offense and the Cubists now have the league's longest winning streak. There was a bit of tit for tat in the early going. The Smokers took a Friday lead with an Emmitt Smith TD. They led 12-7. On Saturday, The Cubists returned the favor as they took a 18-12 lead. They were led by K Jason Elam and surprise starter WR Germane Crowell. Owner Jason Moore did not know if Cris Carter would be ready to go on Sunday so he gave him the week off. "Why don't you go to church?" suggested Moore to his star end. Carter did not take the suggestion and scored 14 an unused 14 points. The Cubists did receive three all-pro performances. QB Brad Johnson has shaken the impression of being injury prone and has played every game this season. He scored 25 points on three touchdown passes. The running attack was again very strong. Fred Taylor, Charlie Garner and Robert Smith all scored TD's and combined for a monsterous 40 points. Even Cory Dillon had 4 points. The defense, which has been playing much better toward the end of the season, also scored 24 points. This was the first week that the Cubists have been the high scorer for a week - a far cry from last season. The 104 points was also their highest score of the season and the second century. The Smokers were the hard luck loser for the third time this season. QB Steve Beuerlein continued his march toward post season trophies with his 6th straight game of 15 or more points. That is unparalleled production. RB Marshall Faulk moved into the number two league runner spot with 22 more points. TE Ricky Dudley also continued his strong play with another touchdown. The two Smoker 49er representatives were the downpoints. WR Terrell Owens was unable to score and Lance Schulters only scored 1 point. Owner Don Cherry was seen to say on the side lines to his two nonproductive players, "Buck up, Terrell, Lance, we have one more week this season and we want to end it on a high point." A few benched Smokers did have some high points. Byron Hanspard (Where did he come from?) scored 12 points but he was overshadowed by Bobby Engram's 26 points which included 2 tackles and a forced fumble. That's incredible!
County Coroners 59 Cambria Otters 58 Fate has not been the friend of the Otters. As if lack of talent wasn't problem enough, one would think that they would get a break now and then. After 13 straight losses, Owner Don Oauoa was sure that this was the week that a victory would be theirs. The Coroners had been preoccupied with their annual burying convention for the greater part of the week and did not bother to change their line up except to put Dorcas Levens into the line up. The move paid off as the dorky one scored a touchdown and 8 points. The team received only two more touchdowns. Rich Gannon threw a tight spiral in the endzone to WR Sean Dawkins. Each scored 10 points. Todd Peterson scored 11 points as well with three field goals. Owner Chad Nuss was not around after the game to be reached for comment, but we hope to have some word on his whereabouts by next week. The Otters did have an above average game. They matched the Coroners in TD's with three. One coming from smooth QB Tony Banks, another coming from tough RB Terry Allen and the last being supplied by crafty WR Hines Ward. K Brett Conway also had a solid game with 8 points. The Otter bench also had some high spots with double digits reached by Chris Chandler, Richard Huntley and Keith Poole. Unfortunately, there are only so many starting slots and some of them have to be occupied by the likes of Justin Armour and creaky Jerry Rice.
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Oh yes, the votes have been rolling in for the post season awards. Those categories again are: Owner of the Year, MVP, Best Defensive Player, Rookie of the Year, Most Surprising Player, Future #1 Pick and Most Disappointing Player. Please note that it will be an open ballot. The deadline for these votes is January 12 (one week after the publishing of the final recap).