The Setting: The 7-11 Parking Lot Near Windham Place
Your Hosts: ESPN SportsCenter hosts Dan Patrick and Kenny Mayne.
[Loud applause from the 7-11 workers, league owners and nominated and award winning players]
Dan Patrick: Welcome everyone to the second annual Modano Mi Hermano Awards show.
Kenny Mayne: Last year, the league owners were not able to afford hosts or this fine place for an award show, but things are
looking up.
DP: Today we will look at your votes (which have been held by Price Waterhouse for the past couple of days to ensure
secrecy) and hand out the hardware for some interesting categories.
KM: We should note that three teams chose not to participate this year. It's no wonder that Rob Oauoa of the Otters decided
not to vote seeing as they had a very rough season and the press refused to recognize Rob's name - continually calling him
Don. That's a shame.
DP: It was also no surprise that mysterious Chad Nuss and his County Coroners decided not to chime in. No one but Cubists'
Owner Jason Moore seems to be able to speak this guy's language. Finally, league newcomer Will Mitchell and his incredible
Cville Wookies did not vote. One might think that his first non-championship had something to do with that. His last
championship was 5 years ago ... 5 years ago.
KM: Enough of this chit chat, let's start giving some people their props.
[Loud applause from the 7-11 workers, league owners and nominated and award winning players]
DP: First off, we need to give an award that wasn't voted for. This is the season's achievement award for most use by the
press. We call this award the Michael Irvin award since he figured so prominently in so many story lines last year.
KM: It is clear who should win this award, but I will give you some hints before I call him. He went unsigned for most of the
year. He had one break out game which convinced Owner Aaron Jacoby that he should sign him. And he was never far from
the media's mind. Yes, c'mon up here, you drunken slob - Kerry Collins, everybody!
[Collins staggers up to the podium - Bottle of old JD flailing loosely in his hand.]
Kerry Collins: I would just like to thank to the most important people in my life: Joe Pa and Jesus...
[Collins falls over and Charlie Steiner drags him away]
DP: You know, Kenny, there were a lot of surprises this year - the Rams, the Colts, Mike Ditka grabbing his crotch... Our
first award will be the Sneaky Pete Turgeon Trophy for the year's most surprising player. Last year Randy Moss took home
the Golden Modano for this one.
KM: Randy Moss is fast. That fact aside, there were some interesting nominations for this award. For example, Owner Don
Cherry tabbed running back Stephen Davis who went from being Michael Westbrook's punching bag to the league's leading
rusher for most of the year. He had 17 TD's and over 1400 yards.
DP: That was a good pick - Randy Chambers would have picked him if it hadn't been for that friggin' rule that you can't vote
for your own players. That friggin' rule.
KM: Charlie Garner also had a breakout season for the San Francisco teams. Aaron Jacoby chose him. He was once Duce's
back up but he didn't need anyone to back him up this year with 1229 yards of rushing and 535 yards of receiving. Not to
mention his six touchdowns. He's quick.
DP: Perhaps the best pick came from Owner Dan Weitz of the Losers. He, like most of the media, was surprised when any
player donning those horrible green and puke yellow jerseys scored a touchdown. Yes, he voted for "any Pecker scoring a
touchdown.
Dan Weitz: Packers suck!
[Loud applause from the 7-11 workers, league owners and nominated and award winning players]
KM: But now we get to the nitty gritty. Yes, folks, this vote was a close one between two unheralded QB's. Please, fellas,
you can hold hands now because I am about to announce who came in second place. ... He was once known as Troy
Aikman's backup, but he became George Seifert's and Don Cherry's reason for living. After receiving two full votes from
Randy Chambers and Perry Missner and a second place vote from Jason Moore. Welcome, second place finisher Steve
Berlime.
Steve Beuerlein: Second! Dammit, and my name is Beuerlein, Kenny, you idiot.
KM: Sure, it is.
SB: What the hell is a second place vote?
Jason Moore: I had some trouble coming to a concensus on some of these awards so I nominated multiple people. You never
know what ties might happen.
SB: You're an idiot too.
[Jason Moore storms the stage, punches Beuerlein in the mouth and returns to his seat]
[Loud applause from the 7-11 workers, league owners and nominated and award winning players]
DP: Beuerlein did have a great season with a league leading 4436 yards and 36 touchdowns ... 36 touchdowns. He also had
two rushing touchdowns and just 17 interceptions.
KM: And the winner of our first award this evening, Sneaky Pete Turgeon Trophy for Most Surprising Player should
come as no surprise to anyone. Yes, it should come as no surprise to anyone: Pear McNair QB Kurt Warner.
DP: Warner received votes from Steve Johnson, John Stoer, a first place vote from Jason Moore, and Josh Wilk. He came
from arena league to turn the NFL into his arena by throwing for 4348 yards, 65% completion and 41 touchdowns with only
13 interceptions. Come up here, Kurt, take your trophy and your $10 gift certificate to McDonalds Play Land.
Kurt Warner: [Raising fists in the air] Thank you to the the little people, the academy and most of all to Trent Green.
KM: That's tasteless. Sit down
[Warner, ashamed, returns to his place in the parking lot]
DP: From the biggest shock to the biggest dud, we now turn our attention to the Mark Pussier Trophy for Most
Disappointing Player. Jerome Bettis stopped and started his way to the award last year.
KM: There were so many prominent players that went down with injury that this category could be wide open.
DP: It's true that there were many nominees.
KM: Since old Jason Moore had the most trouble deciding, why don't we start with him?
DP: At #3 on Moore's list was Viking QB Randall Cunningham. Cunningham went from offensive stud to just plain offensive.
KM: Randy Chambers had to agree with Moore on that one. "Hands down."
DP: Moore then selected Ricky Williams as his second most disappointing player. The dreadlocked, tongue-pierced college
star limped his way to an ugly season for the Saints and Losers. He did have to do it without a supporting cast, but he didn't do
much.
KM: There was one vengeful half vote from Dan Weitz who voted for his one time favorite/now nemesis. No, not the Einer,
Deion Sanders. Sanders gave up two TD's in games against the Losers and burned the Losers for a punt return touchdown as
a member of the McNairs.
Dan Weitz: I think he should go back to worshipping the Devil because since he started all this praise the lord crap he has been
(&*%$@#&}
[Loud applause from the 7-11 workers, league owners and nominated and award winning players]
KM: There were some odd selections as well. Don Cherry opted for Jason Sehorn who underwent an intense offseason
condition program, then dominated at the Superstars when his doctor told him not to play. His high game for the season was 7
points and he only played in 10 games.
DP: Aaron Jacoby went his own way on this one as well by picking first round draft choice Fred Taylor of the Cubists. The
only remaining member of the three headed monster, and the only one not to have his season ended by a knee injury, played in
just 10 games as well but did amass 732 yards and 6TD's.
KW: One stud from last year who was nowhere to be found was Cambria Otter WR Jermaine Lewis. In 1998, he was the
17th rated receiver and this year he fell to 75th. He only scored 2 TD's and they were in the same game (against the Cubists as
it turned out).
DP: There were only two player receiving more than one vote in this category. One was part of a combo pick by John Stoer.
He tabbed the Drew Bledsoe-Ben Coates connection
John Stoer: They singlehandedly (?) kept Will Mitchell from winning this thing.
[Will Mitchell starts bawling]
KM: Jason Moore also picked Coates as his most disappointing player, giving the Winter Man 1 1/2 votes.
DP: But once again, there should be no surprise who our winner is. When you take a player with the first pick in the draft, you
expect him to be truly outstanding. Of course, if you take an inbred moron with the first pick, you should have your head
examined. Brent Farf (or B'arf as he came to be known) had an awful, awful season. He did have 4101 yards and 22
touchdowns which wouldn't be bad. But he is a three time MVP ... a three time MVP. He killed the Bull City Bears with 23
interceptions and 9 fumbles. Farf received full votes from Perry Missner and Steve Johnson and a half vote from Dan Weitz.
KM: 32 turnovers?!? I am no math wizard, but I think that is two a game. Late 80's Vinny Testaverde, yes, three time MVP,
no.
DP: The Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player goes to Brent Farf.
Brent Farf: Duh.
KM: Okay, that is enough of that. Let's step up to the major awards. Usually fantasy football is an offensive minded game
with touchdowns being worth so much, yet we shouldn't overlook the contributions on the other side of the ball.
DP: That's true, Kenny.
KM: Thanks, Dan. There were some top rated defensive performances this year. Some of them received attention. And the
winner will get the Don Sweeney Trophy for Best Defensive Player. Chad Brown won this one last year. One selection
was made as a tribute. Don Cherry picked Skins, and for one game Bull City Bears, DB Darrell Green. He was the 64th
rated DB and his high game was 8 but Cherry thought he displayed excellent leadership. Green was the only defensive back to
get a vote.
DP: The defensive linemen were represented by Gregg Ellis who Dan Weitz voted for. Ellis got hurt in the 13th game but
managed to lead the lineman while he was playing. He ahd 38 tackles, 9 sacks and most impressively two TD's. He led the
Smoker D and when he went out they fell apart, since they were the lowest rated defense in the league.
KM: Jevon Kearse impressed Steve Johnson, although Johnson kept thinking he played for the Jaguars. Kearse did have an
impressive rookie season with 48 tackles, 15.5 sacks, 9 passes defended and a touchdown. He helped lead the Monsoon
defense to their top ranking and to their championship.
DP: Two linebackers broke away from the defensive pack and were ranked in the top 20 overall. Only Randy Chambers
tabbed Monsoon linebacker Derrick Brooks as his best defensive player. Brooks started the season a bit slowly but came on
like gangbusters toward the end. He ended up with 118 tackles, 2 sacks, 4 interceptions, 2 forced fumbles, 2 fumble
recoveries and 18 passes defended .... 18 passes defended.
KM: Stop that.
DP: Stop what?
KM: You know, the pause, then the repetition.
DP: Why should I?
KM: Because it is stupid.
DP: But John Elway loves it. 'Nuff said.
KM: Now to the winner of the Don Sweeney Trophy for Best Defensive Player. This linebacker led the league with 131
solo tackles. He also had 5 sacks, 3 interceptions, 8 passes defended and a safety. He started the season with 7 straight
games in double figures and helped put the County on the map. He recieved votes from Aaron Jacoby, Josh Wilk, Jason
Moore, John Stoer and Perry Missner. I give you, no, not Bobby Bouchez: Ray Lewis.
Ray Lewis: [Menacing] Mayne, I have chunks of guys like you in my stool.
KM: Oh God...
[Kenny Mayne wets himself]
[Loud applause from the 7-11 workers, league owners and nominated and award winning players]
[Mayne leaves center stage - Meanwhile, Stuart Scott comes streaking through}
Stuart Scott: [In mid-leap] Boo-yah!
[Mayne returns with an unsoiled pair of pants]
DP: The next award, the Eric Wunderkind Weinrich Trophy for Rookie of the Year was the simplest pick of the lot.
Last year Randy Moss added it to his trophy case. Edgerrin James of the Wookies led the league in rushing with 1550 yards.
He also scored 13 rushing touchdowns. He also had 593 yards of receiving. He also had 4 receiving TD's. And if these
accomplishments weren't enough, he could put your bacon in a pan and fry it too. He received votes from all 9 teams.
Edgerrin James: I would like to share this award with my friend, my confidante, my soul-mate, Will Mitchell.
Will Mitchell [blushing]: Aww, Edgerrin, you da man.
[They hug and everyone stands and applauds. We have seen the most touching moment in award show history]
DP: That was touching ... just touching.
[Mayne slaps Patrick]
[Loud applause from the 7-11 workers, league owners and nominated and award winning players]
KM: The next award category is a new one this year. It's a bit funky, so try to hang with me on this one. We wanted to know
who owners would pick if they had the first pick next year. It is a litle something we like to call The Millenium Man Trophy
The catch is that they could pick a player on their current roster for this award. Did you catch the catch?
DP: [proudly] I did. Yet only two players took advantage of this additional rule and picked his own player. Where has the
loyalty gone? ... Where?!? ... It was no wonder that Don Cherry took his QB Steve Beuerlein who had a tremendous
season. Beuerlein is now in the back sporting a fat lip.
KM: With his Syracuse allegiance, it was no wonder that Black 44 Owner John Stoer would take WR Marvin Harrison with
his first pick next year. Harrison had a breakout year by leading the receivers all season long. He has 12 touchdowns and an
amazing 1663 yards. Stoer just loves Marvin.
DP: The QB slot was a popular one with this category. Both Perry Missner and Randy Chambers chose Peyton Manning for
this selection. Manning did have an excellent sophmore season with 4141 passing yards, 26 TD's and 2 rushing TD's. He had
only had 15 interceptions and the future is bright for that young man.
KM: Despite this being a one pick thing, somehow Jason Moore saw fit to pick two players. His second choice if he had the
first pick would be McNair QB Kurt Warner.
Jason Moore: All I meant was that if something should happen to my number one pick, I would pick Warner. Maybe, you're
an idiot...
KM: Yes! Yes, I am.
DP: The most frequent pick should come as no surprise to anyone...
Jason Moore: I would pick Edgerrin James next year!
DP: Apparently, Mr. Moore is already excited about next year's season and the trades he is going to pass up again.
[Loud applause from the 7-11 workers, league owners and nominated and award winning players]
DP: Yes, Edgerrin James was picked by 4 owners including Moore, Steve Johnson, Josh Wilk and Aaron Jacoby.
KM: But I thought Josh Wilk was Elwaying us and quitting after his moment in the sun.
DP: [in a monotonous voice] He played 23 straight games with a cracked butt bone. He was Denver's lead rushing back. ...
Did I mention he was a quarterback?
[Mayne slaps Patrick as if to wake him up.]
[Loud applause from the 7-11 workers, league owners and nominated and award winning players]
Edgerrin James: Once again, this couldn't have been done without the support and guidance of Will Mitchell.
Dan Weitz: Let's cut the crap, Edgerrin, enough of this frickin' touchy-feely [$@)#&)] Take your damn award and get off the
stage. I want to know who is MVP already.
KM: So without further ado, we should go to the Patrick La-la-la-lafontaine Award for Most Valuable Player. Last
year Terrell Davis won the award.
DP: This was an interesting award since the league champion Minneapolis Monsoon were not blessed with the greatest talent.
There wasn't a stud, in most people's minds, that helped them get to the championship. How's that for foreshadowing?
KM: Not very good. Two of the Monsoon players did receive MVP votes. Perry Missner thought that uberpunk Randy
Moss was the MVP.
Perry Missner: He was the best player on the best team. His 1413 yards were impressive. As were his 11 touchdowns
receiving, one returning and one passing. Every time the Monsoon needed a touchdown, it seemed like he was there with his
bad teeth for a score.
DP: Okay, Missner, that's enough, you're hogging the mic. The other Monsoon chosen by the owners was TE Wesley Walls.
Jason Moore (first place vote) and John Stoer both mentioned his fine play and valuableness.
Jason Moore: Walls outscored the opposing tight end 13 out of the 17 games!
KM: That's true. He also led the tight end position with 12 touchdowns and 822 yards of receiving. But his surliness toward
the members of the press cost him a lot of support.
Dan Weitz: You guys are stalling!
DP: Well, this is a 5 hour broadcast...
KM: Another player receiving multiple votes was Edgerrin James, who has appeared in three categories. Randy Chambers
pegged him as his MVP and Jason Moore gave him a second place vote.
Will Mitchell: He da man.
DP: Despite being undrafted, this quarterback found time to become only the second passer to throw for 40 TD's. He was
snatched up in the week before the season by the Pear McNairs and was probably the only QB who could have unseated the
eponymous Steve "Pear" McNair. He scored less than 15 points in only three of his performances. His name is John El...
[Mayne slaps Patrick again]
KM: Your Patrick La-la-la-lafontaine Award for Most Valuable Player winner for 1999 is McNair QB Kurt Warner.
Kurt Warner: I would like to give a shout out to my main man, Perry Missner, for giving me a chance. Kids - stay in school
and don't do drugs. Also, beware of frogs. They're everywhere, man.
DP: And now, to the moment you have all been waiting for. The awarding of the Modano Mi Hermano Trophy for Best
GM/Owner. Last year, as he will let no one forget, Jason Moore steamrolled his way to the championship with a cadre of
young runners. He also took home this trophy. This year, despite his second half efforts, he did not receive a vote.
KM: And he was about the only one to be shut out as this was the most hotly contested award presented tonight.
DP: We will start out with Jason Moore because he once again split his vote. He named Don Cherry as his best GM for
bringing in stud runners Emmitt Smith and Marshall Faulk to team with Steve Beuerlein.
Jason Moore: Some people think Cherry just got lucky, but I know he has the utmost skill when it comes to fantasy football.
For that, I give him half a vote.
KM: For the second year in a row, Don Cherry took pity on the bottom dweller. He looked to Rob Oauoa and his never
complacent Otters who did manage to win one game this season.
Don Cherry: Rob kept a smile on his face despite enduring a horrendous season. I also liked that he kept playing even after
the final game as he assembled himself one hell of a playoff roster.
DP: Good point. John Stoer tabbed Loser Owner Dan Weitz for taking a team that was totally awful and turning into a
competitive bunch with pick ups like Jeff George, Olandis Gary and Ryan Wetnight. He also overcame Dean & Simmons who
have recently become engaged.
KM: Meanwhile, we go around the merry-go-round as Dan Weitz voted for Perry Missner. Not only was he the media's main
link inside the league, providing quotes, stories and the inside dope, he also crafted a powerful team with a good draft and
some good pick ups. The first 5 weeks of the season, the McNairs looked like a dominant force, but injuries took their toll and
Missner must be content with his lone vote. Weitz also hoped to curry future Diplomacy favors with the vote.
DP: Josh Wilk was amazed that his fellow Syracuse alum, John Stoer, could put together a team of all Orangemen. He was
never given a chance to put their awesome force on the field at the same time, but the fact that he did means that he played the
game with the right intentions. Stoer also modestly admitted he would have voted for himself if he could have. He was
impressed by his own overcoming of the Terrell Davis injury early on in the season.
KM: There were two owners who accrued multiple votes. First, the almost winner, otherwise known as the loser. Both
Aaron Jacoby and Steve Johnson were impressed with a man who could take a rookie, fashion a team around him and contend
for the championship all year long. That man - Will Mitchell. That player - his main man, Edgerrin James. The Wookies
looked like they might take the title and were in contention all year long. Only some bad breaks down the stretch killed their
chances.
DP: That leaves only one name left for the Modano Mi Hermano Trophy for Best GM/Owner. You already know it
wasn't Jason Moore. It also wasn't Aaron Jacoby.
KM: Nor was it Steve Johnson.
DP: It wasn't Randy Chambers either.
KM: And, of course, it wasn't Chad Nuss.
DP: That leaves only one name.
Randy Chambers: It's the master motivator!
Perry Missner: His team was completely lousy, had the 4th lowest point total and yet seemed to win week after week.
Jason Moore: And the only reason they won was due to his superior grit and coaching talent.
KM: Yes, the previous three speakers are all alluding to Josh Wilk. He somehow guided his team to 11 wins. Most of them
were the by skin of their teeth. He proved to be the difference. And in honor of your winning this award, you will receive the
annual free beating from Perry Missner along with a five dollar coupon to Jiffy Lube.
Josh Wilk: As this is my last speech in honored halls of fantasy football, I would just like to tell you my secret. Yes, I have a
secret that I have used all season long to help my team win. Whenever I had a troubling decision about who to play, I would
select two pieces of paper. Then I would write the two players names down on these skips of paper. Put the paper in a hat
and shake the hat around. I would then select one piece of paper. Why else would I play Joe Montgomery?
DP: That's another good point.
JW: Finally, God bless you all. You have made this the best season ever.
DP: ... God bless you all.