TOP STORY: MONSOON USE MAGIC AGAIN, DEFEAT CROSSTOWN RIVALS BY THE SLIMMEST OF MARGINS
Other Story: With other shows leading the Chippies to victory, Mooshmania is canceled.
Minneapolis Monsoon 60 St. Paul Panting Parishioners 59 There are times during the fantasy football season in which the underlying rule is forgotten. People start to believe in their teams and their own fantasy football talent, but it should never be forgotten that in this game it is much better to be lucky than to be good. Pundits are starting to question that rule in regards to the Minneapolis Monsoon. This is a team that is in first place despite scoring less points that 6 other league teams. Are they really lucky enough to win three games out of four when only scoring 60 points? Yes, they are that lucky. This weekend's battle with crosstown rival St. Paul Panting Parishioners might have been their luckiest effort yet. Things were looking gloomy when Antonio Freeman went out of his game with a concussion after not scoring a point. Joey Galloway only had a point. Greg Hill continued his subpar play with 2 points. QB Kent Graham had the worst game giving his team a -4. Meanwhile the Parishioners were scoring TD after TD. Jon Kitna threw for two and Donnell Bennett ran for two as the combined for 27 points. Yet no one else on the team was able to score more than seven points. The Patrick Jeffers experiment resulted in 2 points. Connell, McGee and Mayes only scored a point a piece and suddenly the Monsoon saw their opening. LB Derrick Brooks continued his strong play with 11 points. James Johnson had an exception day running behind the weak Monsoon line. All-World Tight EndDou Wesley Walls scored yet another TD and had eight points. Owner Josh Wilk employed his offensive strategy by getting his runners a few extra points on the Parishioners defensive backs. With time running out, the ball game came down to an Olindo Mare field goal. Mare had not been playing well of late so everyone in the Twin Cities held their breath as the snap was good, the kick was up and the ball sailed through the uprights. Owner Steve Johnson, who had been running the hottest team in the league, was completely disgusted. "What was that about a jinx," he spat, "That bits[sic] HUGE!!!" In a late breaking story, the Monsoon press was stunned to learn that the team had traded its heart and soul, K Olindo Mare and DB Donovin Darius to the Syracuse 44's for Doug Flutie and Jesse Armstead. A large amount of cash was also reported heading toward the 44's.
Allentown Chippies 96 County Coroners 85 The Chippies have come to be known as the Show of Shows league-wide. They first ran the Duce & Bruce Show in their prime time. This show was worth watching this week as Duce scored 7 and Isaac Bruce continued his top notch play with another 12. To bolster ratings, the network aired Manning & the Little Man which was a top-rated combo this week with the duo garnering interest with 5 TD's and an amazing 42 points. Manning even brought in a new side kick named Wilkens who scored 12 points most of which came on a 80 yard TD strike. Yet something seemed to be missing that was recently aired and seemed to show a lot of promise. What was it? Oh yes, Mooshmania. Last week's treasure is this week's trash. WR Mushin Muhammed only scored 2 points. His friend Marcus scored a -1. In his post game press conference, Owner Aaron Jacoby (AKA Ringmaster of the Show of Shows) said that he had decided to cancel all of the Mooshmania festivities because it was as tired as saying, "Is that your final answer?" Somehow NBC reporter Jim Gray managed to sneak into the conference and irked Jacoby by repeatedly asking about when he was finally going to give in to media pressure and sign now starting QB Kerry Collins. "I am surprised at you," said Jacoby to Gray, "That you would bring up such a subject at a time like this. Why don't you go back to interviewing idiots who bet against their own teams?" While media focus has been on the front running Chippies, the County Coroners actually showed up and gave the first place team a battle. Owner Chad Nuss employed the delayed gratification tactic with 5 players going on Monday night. The Sunday players mostly did fine work. Dorcus Levens paced the team with 15 points while Sean Dawkins scored 13. The defense was represented by Ray Lewis with 9 and Tony Brackens with 10. This may have been the first game in which Lewis did not lead his own defense. The Monday night player came up 9 points short but that was not due to Rich Gannon. The once Cubist continued his quiet goodness with 17 points (including three tackles). He is now the 4th rated QB. None of the other players were able to score more than 4 points. Aw shucks.
Cville Wookies 91 Syracuse 44's Sometimes when nothing is right, everything works out. Such was the case for QB Drew Bledsoe of the Wookies. He had by far his worst performance of the season with 5 interceptions and his was only able to earn a positive point by making a tackle. Owner Will Mitchell had a big decision to make at half time. He gulped and told his team that they were going to put in Scott Zolak (uncredited) and take their chances. The team was already running well. RB Edgerrin James ended up with three scores and 31 huge points. Eric Rhett also had a TD and 10 points. Zolak (still uncredited) was able to connect with Jimmy Smith for a TD and well over 200 yards. Smith ended up with 20 points and Zolak was merely a footnote. Ben Coates broke a three week scoreless streak with one point. "Attaboy, Benny," said Mitchell encouragingly. The Wookie D was very weak for the second week in a row with only 10 points. They have scored in two weeks what Ray Lewis scored by himself in week one. The 44's had plenty of bad mojo working for them as they came into the game. Owner John Stoer had inserted QB Doug Flutie for Syracuse alum and favorite Donovan McNabb. Stoer's thinking went along the lines of taking away Eric Moulds with Flutie playing. He was committing the cardinal sin of playing against the other teams strengths instead of your own strengths. The team did not seem to know what to do with a non-Orangeman behind center. Only non-Orangeman Marcus Robinson had an outstanding game with 16 points and incredible catch after incredible catch. Of course, Marvin Harrison had his routine 10 points but we are becoming so jaded that 10 points from Harrison is not a big deal. Flutie and Armstead scored 4 and 9 points respectively in their last game as 44's. They both sensed that they did not belong when Stoer would not throw the little Orange Syracuse football to them. With fiery Donovin Darius and consistent Olindo Mare on board, a new age for the 44's may be beginning. Stoer commanded, "Let the seas of Orange flood the league!"
Pear McNairs 88 San Francisco Cubists 60 Everyone seemed interested in how the formally dominant McNairs would react to the benching of the one and only Steve "Pear" McNair for superfreak QB Kurt Warner. Well, maybe not everyone but at least someone was interested. McNair had been suffering from complications of his 6 Million Dollar Man surgery. It seems that the sounds made by his bionic motions were much too loud and were hurting the ears of his teammates, so McNair decided to bench himself. He is currently undergoing bionic rehabilitation at the Mayo Clinic. On the field, Warner did a decent job with 8 points, but that is 11 points below his average. He was able to lead the team a bit better than the bionic man however. He suggested that they give the ball a bit more to RB Ricky Watters who seemed more than due to break out of his season long slump. He responded to the challenge with three TD's and 29 points. Some were comparing his leadership role to the famous Indian scout Sackawati. Curtis Enis also found a place he hadn't been in a long time: the endzone. Jeff Wilkens reinstated himself as a top ten kicker with 11 points and the defense hardily chipped in 21. Underachiever Zach Thomas learned after the game that he had been traded to the Losers for TE Ryan Wetnight. The once proud Cubists received many poor performances, but the one shining light came from bench warmer Germane Crowell. He scored a TD and 13 points. Fans were questioning Owner Jason Moore's cajones about playing Crowell. It appears that Moore has mucho cajones. He needs to give a bit of them to the rest of his team. Brad Johnson led the poor posse with a -1 and Mark Fields only scored a point. Chris Warren scored zero and was cut after the game for, oh no, Traitorous Kicker Al Del Greco. Owner Perry Missner was chagrined that the Cubists had not picked him up before the game because he knows his team likes nothing more than to abuse Del Greco. They did have their fun with Bill Scroter who had to leave the game after being sandwiched by Barry Minter and Chad Brown. Hopefully old Scrote won't be in next week's line up.
The Losers 80 Key West Jerrytown Smokers 65 Owner Don Cherry has done some strange things in his day. Some of these deeds were quite nice and other were not. This weekend, he might have done his nicest deed. Somehow, he knew that his fellow owner, Dan Weitz, has revered RB Emmitt Smith since the Cowboys drafted him. "I'll tell you what," said Cherry in a cordial midweek teleconference, "because I know that you like Emmitt so much, I am not going to play him." An astonished Weitz could only respond with, "Geeze, Don, thanks. Just for you, I am not going to play TE Ryan Wetnight." So the whistle blew to start the game and both Smith and Wetnight were on the bench. Clearly, the Losers did not like the charity of Cherry as they went out and scored their highest point total of the season. They received a season high 6 touchdowns. Jason Garrett filled in admirably for last night buddy Jeff George with 8 points. Ricky Williams found the endzone for the first time this season and liked it so much that he found it again. He tallied 17 points. Darnay Scott also had 2 TD's and 16 points. Even little Mikey Hollis had 11 points from the kicking position. Yet the game remained close going into Monday. The Smokers received fine play from Steve Beuerlein who was the only Smokers to a score a TD. Not getting into the endzone did not stop Marshall Faulk from scoring 10 points and Lance Schulters finally played after being hurt for the last few weeks and scored 8 points. Terrell Owens also did not embarrass himself with 6 points. On Monday, the Losers took over with Olandis Gary hitting pay dirt and scoring 12 points and Easy Ed McCafferty scoring another 5. The Losers are ready to take on the Coroners and go for their 4th win. Go get 'em.
Bull City Bears 81 Cambria Otters 31 It has been a tough season for the Bears. They have had a huge hole at QB with inbred moron Brent Farf throwing more interceptions than touchdowns. Then Owner Randy Chambers made the not so smart move of trading Marcus Robinson for a few lousy players and a bag of cheese. Yet a game against the Otters brings a sigh of relief to most teams and such was the case this week. Farf somehow scored 14 points and was able to hand off to #1 rated runner Stephen Davis successfully for another 19 and that was enough to beat the woeful yet playful Otters. Mike Vanderjagt had a nice game with 14 but was bettered by the benched rookie Martin Gramatica who scored 15. The rookie linebackers Rainer and Katzenmoyer played pretty well as they combiend for 12 points. Chambers said that he is ready to give a grudge match to his old nemesis the Syracuse 44's. "I fondly remember that week one win," said Chambers, "and I plan on repeating it. And, by the way, I will not trade Farf no matter how he hurts my team." Way to stick to the plan! The Otters broke their own record for futility. They had scored 32 points in Week 6, but 31 was a new low. Only Terry Allen scored a TD but kicker Michael Husted scored 8 and led the team. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times: If you are led in scoring by your kicker, you are going to lose. Owner Robert Oauoa was stunned when ancient Sammy Baugh claimed his team was not trying to win. Oauoa said, "Hey, Sammy, we are trying. It's just that we suck." I couldn't have said it better myself.
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