TOP STORY: MONSOON SET BAIT FOR McNAIRS, WIN IN DEFENSIVE STRUGGLE

Other Stories: Bears unable to move into first place tie; Farf loses game, named Moron.

Minneapolis monsoon 61 Pear McNairs 53 Few individual performances have been so hyped by the media as much as the return of Steve "Bionic Pear" McNair's was. Each week members of the press had been awed by his amazing comeback from spine replacement surgery and the stupendous feats that his now bionic infrastructure could perform. Yet Owner Perry Missner seemed reluctant to start his first draft pick of the last two years because an injury report had listed McNair. Ever the one to play by the rules, Missner stated on Saturday night, "It is team policy that under no uncertain terms will we start players who are designated as questionable or doubtful." A long night with no sleep and constant telephone calls from McNair supporters made Missner violate his team's prime directive and put McNair in the line up. This was just what opposing Owner Josh Wilk had been asking for. Ever since his voting for McNair as most disappointing player in the post season voting last year, Wilk had sneered at "that waste of a first round draft pick." It made sense that Wilk would not want to play against #1 league player Kurt Warner, but Wilk's wishes almost turned against as McNair made a triumphant return to the gridiron. In the early moments of the match up, McNair ran for a touchdown and threw for two more. The monsoon were dazzled by the bionic QB's fancy footwork and dart-like throws, but so were the McNairs. The QB's heroics made all around slack-jawed and it looked like McNair would lead his team to yet another blow out win, but his teammates did not contribute. No other McNair scored a touchdown and the team had to settle for a season low 53 points. Missner, ever the river boat gambler, tried to stack his defense against the normally potent monsoon receiving corps, but Wilk had that strategy sussed out. Against 3 DB's, Wilk decided to hand off again and again. Both Greg Hill and LeShon Johnson are merely adequate running backs, but given enough carries, they were able to total 18 points and the monsoon's first rushing TD. The neglected receiving corps only had 6 points. Olindo Mare had his usual double digits and the monsoon victory was ensured by Michael Strahan's late TD rumble from 44 yards out. For next week's game, Missner decided to let McNair handle naming the defensive starters as well. "There will be no defensive backs," said McNair, "Guys like LeRoy Butler hit like girl. We want linebackers out there. Like Chad Brown!" Brown was promptly picked up.

Allentown Chippies 83 Bull City Bears 77 With the McNairs going down to defeat, the Bears saw their chance to finally move into first place again. On Sunday, many of the pieces seemed to fall in place. It started with the running game. Starting runner Stephen Davis set a record for running back slot and tightened his grasp on the #1 running back slot with 22 big points on a number of fluky runs. His running opened up lanes for Michael Westbrook to run in and he scored 11. Complementary back, Eddie George, also had a nice day with 12 points. Most of his runs put the Bears into field goal position and Mike Vanderjagt came through with 4 field goals and 14 points. The only bad decision that Owner Randy Chambers made on Sunday was to put WR Marcus Robinson on the bench. Robinson scored 22 points and prompted Chambers to say, "A Bear on the bears?!? That's nuts." The back up receivers for the Chippies also had enormous days. Playing on the practice squad with Kerry Collins (still unsigned by the Chippies at this posting) the four back up receivers totalled 53 points, led by Shawn Jefferson's 21. This would have had an adverse effect on owner Aaron Jacoby if his team had not had such a solid day on the field. Ever-steady Payton Manning paced the team with 14 points and his partner in crime, The Little Man, James Stewart also had 14. The Duce & Bruce show also received high ratings with a touchdown apiece and 21 more points. The rest of the team played adequately except Todd Lyght who a guy I once knew went to high school with. (He said that Todd was "really cool.") It all came down to Monday in which the Bears had 3 Packers playing (it hurts me to write that). For some reason, Chambers put his faith in inbred moron QB Brent Farf to help erase the 12 point deficit. Defensive players Brian Williams and ultra-feminine Leroy Butler each scored a below average 4. 5 points were needed from Farf, but he continually threw to the other team and fumbled the ball. He was lucky to manage a -2 with 6 turnovers. A disgusted Chambers stormed off the field and cursed hillbillies everywhere.

San Francisco Cubists 95 County Coroners 50 Few things are sure in this life: Each season inexplicably yields a new Tony Danza sitcom (A-O!), Tim Green will repeatedly state the obvious with uncommon exuberance ("He lost his hat!" "Look, he's hobbling!") and the Coroners will lie down and play patsy to the Cubists. As if their annual lop-sided trade were not enough, the Coroners once again did not put forth much of an effort against their long time ally. The lone exception to this rule was Ray Lewis, whose name is quickly becoming synonymous with consistently great. He scored his usual 14 points. The rest of the team seems to be in a funk led by QB Rich Gannon. Over the last three weeks, Gannon has totalled -3 points and the team has not been able to break that half century mark. That is not the way for Owner Chad Nuss to win the championship cup he always says he covets. Clearly, picking up woeful QB Rick Mirer is also not a good way to win games or sell tickets. One longtime Coroner fan said, "They ought to pay me to watch that piece of [expletive] play." The Cubists have once again righted the ship after their 48 point debacle two weeks ago. A former Viking connection scored nearly half their points as Brad Johnson had 22 and Cris Carter scored 21 with 5 touchdowns between them. Fred Taylor returned after the bye with his best outing of the season, 14 points, and Cecil Collins scored another 10. The Cubists seemed sure to surpass the century mark but had to rely on the totally unreliable Bill Scroter who only managed one point. On being told that he was only one game out of first, Owner Jason Moore said, "While there have been many times this season that I have been disgusted with my team, it's not like I am going to wing my way over to Europe and forget about them. I love these guys and they know it." Ty Law said that he mirrors that love.

Cville Wookies 109 The Losers 73 What the Cville press had been waiting for finally happened on Sunday as QB Drew Bledsoe shook off some nasty Loser defenders and erupted for 29 points and 4 TD's. In fact, Bledsoe led his team in a game in which the almost all Wookies just seemed to click together. There was one noticeable exception in the boxscore, Ben Coates, but he blocked like a demon. RB Edgerrin James complemented Bledsoe with 15 points and said that he liked the way his QB made the toss on the sweep. Jimmy Smith returned to his early season excellence with a TD and 11 points. The missing aspect of the Wookies earlier this season had been the defense, but over the last three weeks the Wookies' dark side has been one of the best. They used Hastiness and Hardiness to equal the McFinest and have 28 points combined. The Losers have also been rejuvenated. In the past two weeks, the team has scored more than 70 points but has lost each time. Nevertheless, Owner Dan Weitz seems encouraged by his team. "Even though we lost," he said, "I would like to make a point of telling everybody who will listen how excellent TE Ryan Wetnight is." Wetnight scored the first Loser TE TD and netted 6 points. Other strong performances included the 14 points from Jeff George and the 15 combined points from the Loser rushing attack - Olandis Gary and Ricky Williams. Mike Hollis and Cortez Kennedy also scored in double figures. The one thing that seemed to bother the ever-growing legion of Loser fans was the presence of Doug Pederson on the Loser roster. One fan said in a heavy accent, "Pederson was a crappy Pecker QB and doesn't belong on the Losers, although I think Weitz has lost sight of miserable the Peckers are."

Syracuse 44's 69 Key West Jerrytown Smokers 59 As we reported last week, the Smokers seemed to have turned a franchise corner. Long gone was the bumbling, stumbling team that had to struggle to win even one game from last year, replaced by a streamlined machine that was set to destroy the competition. That all came crashing down this week as Owner Don Cherry was up to his old tricks. "What this, you say," Cherry murmured at reporters, "A 'bye week,' you call it. And that is why Lance Schulters is not playing. Hmmm.... An interesting concept, this 'bye week.'" Well, believe it, Don, there are bye weeks, Schulters had one and you missed it. Steve Beuerlein almost had his own bye week as the usually steady QB only had one point. The Smoker ground attack was present as Smith and Faulk combined for 34 points. Greg Ellis, the number one defensive lineman, had 7 as did Greg Biekert but no other Smoker scored more than three points. The 44's also had an uneven performance in victory. They entered the game with the league's highest rated defense, but big name members of the defense, Warren Sapp and Junior Seau went scoreless. Jesse Armstead did have 9 points to salvage the #1 ranking. Doug Flutie had his worst day as a 44 but managed to scored a late TD and keep the 44 record of a QB TD in each game alive. Marvin Harrison continued his all-world play with a touchdown and 13 points and was only bested by fellow Syracuse alum Kevin Johnson's 18. Owner John Stoer's one regret was that he didn't put rookie QB Tim Couch in the lineup. Not all of us have the cajones to bench the higher rated QB for a lesser ranked guy. Brett Conway had his best game with 14 points including two 50 yards bombs.

St. Paul Panting Parishioners 75 Cambria Otters 36 The Parishioners have started their descent off the dung heap and into the race for King of the Hill. For the second straight week, they demolished a lesser opponent and a .500 record is starting to look like a reasonable goal. St. Paul used a balanced attack in whipping the Otters. Only TE Andrew Glover went scoreless and the team was led by Jon Kitna's 12. Girl Glenn pranced for 10 points and a TD. Owner Steve Johnson was said to be saying daily prayers to whatever power in heaven has kept Glenn healthy this long into a season. WR Derrick Mayes also had 8 fine Monday Night points. The Parishioner defense is also coming on strong as they scored 20. Brian Dawkins is now the #1 rated defensive back and has a gaudy 11 passes defended this season which is as many or more than 5 teams in the league. The Otters continued in their muddling way toward anonymity. They have lost in the past two weeks by a combined 109 points. The game held some early promise as Tony Banks and Keith Poole scored early TD's but that would be the end of the scoring. Owner Robert Oauoa also hasn't mastered the tricky concept of bye weeks as he left under anger management RB Lawrence Phillips in the line up. Defending this strategy, Oauoa said, "Hey, it was either that bum or Barry Sanders and the last time I saw Sanders he was selling hot dogs in Oklahoma." The Otters will try to change their luck in week 9 when they face the similarly one win Losers. Somebody has to win and that is the beauty of fantasy football.

------------------------Sweetness Press-------------------------------------------