TOP STORY: McNAIRS MAUL MORON, PEARS TAKE CONTROL OF FIRST

Other Stories: Chippies Set Scoring Record, Fans Still Unhappy

Pear McNairs 95 Bull City Bears 51 This highly anticipated match up between the top two rated teams in the league turned out to be a less than stellar game as the psyched up McNairs showed real loathing for opposing QB Brent Farf and used some of their own great QB play to route the Bears. The league had thought they had seen the worst of the McNair wrath when the team abused traitorous kicker Al Del Greco a few weeks ago. Defensive stalwart Tony Parrish said, "Sure, we hate Del Greco, but that is an ocean's thimble to what we feel about that inbred moron." Farf was able to get two touchdowns and lead his team with 17 points but his two touchdown throws were either tipped or dropped by McNair defenders. After this beating, Farf could only shed some of his trademark tears. Doctors are going to try to prescribe something for his crying fits but speculation is that whatever it is, Farf will become addicted to it. The rest of the Bear team seemed to want to be on the bye with their more talented Redskin teammates. Sadly, kicker Mike Vanderjagt led the non-idiot scorers with 7 points in the Bears worst showing of the season. Farf could really take a lesson from early season wunderkind QB Kurt Warner who surpasses expectations on a weekly basis. He threw for five touchdowns and 32 points, a high for QB's this year. Warner leads the league in fantasy points with 101. Not bad for a backup. In a related story, Steve "Pear" McNair's bionic implants are starting to assimilate with his muscle tissue. Even though he can not stand on his own power yet, his bionic arm allows him to throw 60 yard darts at will. McNair, from his hospital bed, also shook up the team line up a bit by trading Natrone Means ankle sprain and Andrew Glover for Packer killer Terrell Owens and recently horse whipped Shannon Sharpe. With a more balanced attack, the McNairs might be even harder to stop in coming weeks. Who will they hate next?

Allentown Chippies 121 Cville Wookies 73 One would think that the fans of Allentown would have been content with a blow out win over the highly regarded Wookies which featured the highest scoring total in league history. They seemed impressed by Peyton Manning's continuing excellence with 22 points. Isaac Bruce's 33 points, with 4 touchdowns, should have made even the most jaded of fans take notice. Manning, Bruce and Jamir Miller all had all pro performances (defined by 15 points or more), but the fans wanted to concentrate on the back up QB slot. With stellar back up Shane Matthews going down with a hamstring pull and Tim Couch being cut, it seemed to set the stage for the return of Allentown's favorite son, Kerry Collins. Even Billy Joel said, "What the hell is Aaron Jacoby doing? 121 points is fine and dandy, but everybody knows that Kerry Collins would be an uptown girl in the Chippies' downtown world." Jacoby preferred to concentrate on what was happening on the field. 6 Chippies players scored in double figures and one can only wonder how many more points they would have scored with a decent kicker. Chris Jacke, the bum, only scored two points. Jacoby ignoring the fans chants of "Col-lins, Col-lins" said, "I think the Chippies have served notice. I wouldn't be surprised if we score in triple digits the rest of the way." The Wookies did not play poorly but were totally outclassed on this day. Once again, a fair share of the blame can pointed at TE Ben Coates. His partner QB Drew Bledsoe did his part with a nice 14 points, but Coates seemed to be covered all day by the Chippy linebackers and only managed 1 point. Eric Moulds also had 14 points but the usually reliable Wookie runners only combined for 10 points and no TD's. Owner Will Mitchell was thinking about bringing in coach Bill Parcells to help his team raise their level of play. Later, he thought better of it, saying, "I prefer filet mignon to tuna."

Minneapolis monsoon 70 Dean & Simmons, I Can't Lose 63 The surprising Minneapolis monsoon were able to keep pace with the top ranked Pear McNairs by holding down the poor Can't Losers in a fairly low scoring game. The monsoon have been the clear beneficiaries of a weak schedule as they have beaten three of the league's sub-.500 teams and lost half of their games to the league's many plus-500 teams. Nonetheless, the monsoon's reliance on the passing attack has served them well. Antonio Freeman busted this close game wide open with 22 big points on Sunday night and the Losers could not recover on Monday. Freeman scored two of the three monsoon TD's with QB Troy Aikman hitting pay dirt for the third. Randy Moss also had a nice game with 9 points on yards but was kept out of the endzone. Olindo Mare also had a big 15 points to set a new record for points by a kicker. The kicking game has also served the monsoon well as they have tallied a league high 16 field goals to go along with 10 PATs. Josh Wilk was upbeat after the game but seemed concerned about two things. He said, "We really missed Wesley Walls out there (it was the first monsoon game without a Tight End TD) and the MVP of my heart, Donovin Darius only had four points although I did enjoy his interception and following return. He is going to have to turn it up a notch!" It was the same old broken record for Dean & Simmons. Late pick up Eddie Kennison provided the offense's only spark with 16 points. Junior Bryant fell on a ball in the endzone for the Losers' first defensive touchdown. But the day, and perhaps the season, was symbolized by Jeff Garcia's poor play. Last week there seemed to be a glimmer of hope for the Losers as Garcia hit for 22 points. "Who needs Steve Young?" said Owner Dan Weitz. This week Garcia thudded for -1 points. In an effort to confuse opponents, Simmons suggested that the team pick up as many wide receivers as they could. The team now boasts 8 receivers who have combined to score half as many points as Marvin Harrison.

Syracuse 44's 102 St. Paul Panting Parishioners 51 Speaking of Harrison, he was back on the field following a bye and an entire team seemed to take a contented sigh. "He is so great, so smooth, so 44-worthy," gushed owner John Stoer. Harrison did score 13 more points to bring his season total to 77 and a gaudy average of 19 points a game. Yet he was only the third leading scorer for the 44's whose 51 point margin of victory was the largest this season. Oompah-loompah Doug Flutie scored 25 points, Tony "Free on bail" Martin had another TD and 17 points and even Jerome Bettis scored his first TD since 1995 and had 7 points. In an unconventional move, the 44's used three Giant defenders and the gamble worked out. Armstead, Sehorn and Sparks combined for a very credible 26 points. Tight end continues to be a burr in Stoer's side as after five weeks, his tight ends have an almost unbelievable 2 points. It is hard to believe that everybody's best friend Jay Riemersma was once on the waiver list. It looks like last week's Parishioner outburst was the exception rather than the norm. The incoming Natrone Means can only help this team's anemic running attack which scored only 3 points. Some guy named Mario Bates even scored a point, but he has already been lost in anonymity. Girl Glenn continues to be the highlight of the team as he cavorted into the endzone for another 15 point day (his second all pro performance in a row). Neil O'Donnell had the Parishioners only other touchdown. Brian Simmons scored 10 points from the defensive side and Terrell Owens proved that he was saving his better play for an upper echelon team with only 4 points. Owner Steve Johnson said, "I am going to pray and pray that Steve Young can't play next week so that I can avenge being backstabbed so many times by that rat Weitz."

San Francisco Cubists 85 Key West Jerrytown Smokers 78 It seems that the San Francisco Cubists have taken stock of themselves after one of the more embarrassing losses in league history and have strung together three straight wins. What made this win more impressive than other league victories was that the Cubists did it while only scoring one touchdown. Cecil Collins scored the only Cubists' TD and had an offensive team high 11 points. Cory Dillon and Bill Scroter were able to get double digits on yards alone. Robert Smith and Charlie Garner also scored a touchdown's worth of points on yards. The four pronged running attack has been successful in league play as teams employing this attack are now 3-0. The Cubist defense also had a big game with a season high 29 points led by Mark Fields' all pro 15 points. The team's season high 85 points overshadowed an ugly injury incident involving one of kind receiver Michael Irvin. Smoker defensive back Lance Schulters seemed to have the best view of the controversial play. Schulters said, "Michael saw a big long white line and just dove for it." Owner Jason Moore scowled at reporters and said, "This season isn't over by a long shot. No, sirree. In a few weeks, no one will even mention that we lost to the Cambria Otters. The trophy shall be mine. Yes, my precious, it shall be mine." Reporters slowly backed away from Moore and went to the much more groovin' Don Cherry. Cherry seemed unperturbed by his team's latest loss. "Hey, man," he said, "we played well today. Emmitt scored, Mikey [Alstott] scored and Danny [Marino] had two beautiful touchdowns. I can't control the universe, dude, and I don't even want to." It is good that Cherry has such a laid back attitude because his team's losses seem to be coming in bunches. Despite the aforementioned 26 points from his running attack and Marino's 19 points, the Smoker just couldn't do the little things to win. For example, Ricky Dud(e)ley only had a point. He can do better. A lot better.

County Coroners 68 Cambria Otters 52 Everyone knows defense doesn't win championships, luck does. But these two teams put on a heretofore unseen defensive display as they broke the existing record for points by a defensive unit. The Coroners, long known for their defensive prowess, were led by their captain Ray Lewis' 15 point which included the first safety of the year. As everyone said, Sean Harris was a great pick up and he proved his worth by scoring a defensive touchdown and tallying another 11 points. The Coroner defense scored 31 points in all, but they were matched by a surprising 31 points from the Otter defense. Lawyer Milloy had a huge 15 points and Rob Fredrickson surprised everyone with 13 points. Perhaps the most surprised person was Owner Robert Oauoa who said, "I had no idea these guys could play so well." No kidding. The Otter offense only managed 21 points and now can only brag of one touchdown in the last two weeks. Ugh. Sad Del Greco even had 2 points and no player scored more than 4 points. The starting backfield for the Coroners each scored 9 points with the game's only two offensive touchdowns being recorded by Rod Smith and Randall Cunningham (on a last second meaningless play that could not help the Vikings to victory.) The Coroner offensive flex players only managed 4 points in an Otter-like performance. Asked how he felt about playing the first place Pear McNairs next week, Owner Chad Nuss said, "We are going to rely on our old stand-bys, defense and kicking, and if they don't come up big for us, we'll get spanked."

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