Journal of #%&&*

Oh my CJB in heaven!!!

First day on the job.  I’m new at this.  I was supposed
to be assigned to the "Under the Bed" detail.

I was gonna be the "Monster" under every child’s bed; that’s
what I was primed for.  I had my tooth-rattling screech down
to perfection.  You know the one, only children under the age
of 13 can hear it.  Adults can come into the room but I would
not have been visible or audible to adults, only kids.

There was also a rumor I was being groomed to take over for
one of the guys still in Roswell.  Damn, that would have been
a choice assignment.  High School principal would have been
something just perfect for me.

And then, of course, there was talk about some guy in Hollywood
needing advice about a script.  1013 they said. I wonder what
happened to my comrade “Gleep?”  I thought his Chris Carter
gig was still active?  Well, I read "Fight Club"  he’s on his
way down the tubes, I figured I might be next to step into his
"shoes."  I’d have gotten those two into the sack efore you 
could say DLY54.

Instead, I am forced to train for anal probe duty.

Oh CJB!  This is the worst.  They never find anything with anal
probes.  They just do it because it's expected.  And the
human subjects, bless their hearts, just submit.  They should know
we are behind the two way mirror just laughing our alien faces off.

I’ve been practicing on some guy named Spender for a few weeks now.
He’s kind of geeky and annoying but he screams nicely, not a girly
kind of scream you know?

Now I get to choose my own human subject from this array of new
arrivals.

One is particularly annoying.  Alien Bounty hunter pointed him out
to me.

Tall, lanky kind of guy.  We aliens rarely see tall.  So far I have
only seen him from the back, he’s so busy touching everything.
Peeking into our drawers and shelves.  Asking so many damn questions.

Wait, now he’s turned to face me.

Dark hair, hazel eyes with flecks of gold, momma, what a nose,
black turtleneck which would be attractive if it even BEGAN to hide
the hickeys on his neck.  Funny, you can make some sense of them.
One almost looks like it says “LOVE ROSIE” and the other looks like
zzALLYzz.

These humans are a weird bunch, no wonder we anal probe them.

Come on big guy, you’re mine.

Word throughout the bureau is that Scully's pregnant. I thought that 
was physically impossible so I guess it's good news, if it’s true. I 
suppose it's Mulder’s although of course I don't know for sure - just
speculation on mypart. I’ve been away on a little trip and have just 
returned. I so hate going on those trips but I have to admit they do 
me a world of good and I come back so refreshed and revitalized, ready
to work again.

From what I can gather, Scully seems happy about the pregnancy but sad
as well. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen Mulder around at all. Maybe 
that’s why she’s so sad - he’s ditched her again. But no, that doesn’t seem 
quite right. I mean, I know for a fact that they’ve been much closer lately 
and she's been more touchy-feely around him - not so much that any casual 
observer would notice but to me it's obvious.

It’s funny I’ve always felt a certain protectiveness towards Scully, right
from the time we were first introducedto each other. It was sort of love at
first sight for me. Something clicked and I just knew. Of course, I knew 
that for her it wasn’t the same and never would be. She still hasn’t got
a clue in fact. She’s a brilliantscientist but she can’t see what’s right
under her nose. Look how long it took her to admit her feelings for Mulder.

I’ve known for ages how they both feel about one another. If she’d asked me
for advice. . .but then again why would she? Scully doesn’t ask advice.
She’s so damned independent, one of the things that so captivates me 
about her. But she’s so damn blind to the obvious at times that. . .

Of course, she knows I exist, but that’s as far as it goes with her and 
I guess, really, from someone like her, it’s foolish to expect anything 
more.

She’s always treated me with the utmost respect so I really have 
nothing to complain about. I just wish sometimes that I could show her the real 
me. I know it wouldn’t change things but I’d just like her to know how much 
I care. In honesty, I guess I feel more than a little jealous that she has 
chosen to be with Mulder, intimately speaking. Of course, Scully and I have 
never been intimate and are never likely to be but I can't help being 
jealous of those who have been.  And now it seems like Mulder has the 
honour. Lucky so and so.

I haven’t always liked Mulder. He hasn’t always treated her the way 
she deserves, even though I knew he really cared about her. But that’s 
all changed lately. He’s been much more considerate of her. I hope it 
lasts. She deserves a little happiness after all she’s been through and if 
Mulder’s able to give her that, well for the most part I’m glad. For her sake
I hope he comes back soon.

Anyway at least I know I’ll still be able to look out for her while 
he’s gone, for however long that it. I hope it’s not too long though, 
because once this pregnancy gets well advanced she’ll really need him. I’ll 
be lucky if I even get to see her at all then let alone be able to help
her in any way. But, for now, I can still do what I do best, and I 
think I’ll take another trip to the bureau. I’d like to investigate 
those drawers a little further. After all, this is still just speculation
on my part. I need details and proof and there has to be at least one pair
of knickers with an interesting story to tell...to help me get to the 
bottom of things!

Speculation is one thing but proof is essential. I guess you could 
call me a skeptical overcoat! But then again I have to be, after all, I’ve 
learnt from the master!

1:08a.m.

Entry one

I decided to do this - my therapist thought it might help.  Write down my 
thoughts and feelings in an attempt to exorcise the demons from my 
over-worked brain. Couse, it didn't exactly help that she was a red head. 
A *petite* redhead wearing a sharply cut navy business suit and heels that 
could spike out a guys eyes at fifty feet.

*Melvin* she said to me, her rich, soft tones dripping like melting 
honey  from her full, ripe lips... *Melvin, you have to let this woman go.  
Seven years is a long time to be infatuated.*

Course, I wasn't really listening to her.  She had morphed by that 
point in to a svelte caricature of an FBI vixen.  One eyebrow arched in my 
direction as that lovable half-sneer pulled at the corner of her mouth.  It was 
enough to make a grown man weep, which of course I didn't, because it would 
have been a sure fire way to buy myself a one way ticket to Thorazine heaven.
So instead I just dragged my gaze away and concentrated on my feet 
instead.  

*Small* feet.  At the end of stubby little legs, which in turn are at 
the end of a stubby little body.

And there, dear readers, lies the crux of the problem.
The object of my late night fantasies just doesn't go for short guys.  
The fact that she wouldn't have to stand on a box to kiss me has never 
even entered her head.  She has eyes only for Mulder.
But Mulder is gone.  No idea where.  We're doing everything in our power
to track him down, because personal feelings aside, Scully needs him.  
Especially now that baby makes two.

I had a feeling for a while that they were more than just friends.  
Call it my Frohike Love Radar.  I may not always give that impression, but I 
am a passionate man deep down.  I blame my mother's side of the family, 
but then that's another story altogether.

I miss the guy - more than I could ever say.  

But now he's gone, and Scully has taken to coming around here at all hours - 
she tries to pretend it is simply to check on our progress - but in reality, 
she's just lonely, I think. Without him by her side, something is missing 
from her.  Like they took half of her away when they took him.

And all I want to do is to is to wrap my arms around her and hold her 
tight.  Well, okay, that's not all I want to do, but c'mon, the woman is 
pregnant with Mulder's baby.  It would be pretty insensitive of me to suggest 
we dive beneath the sheets for a little love massage.  Having said that, 
pregnant women suffer from back trouble, right?  Maybe I could justify it by 
telling myself it was purely for medicinal purposes.......a little soft 
lighting, mood music, pizza for two dripping melted cheese between us, watching 
as it hangs off of Scully's delectable bottom lip, watching as that 
rose-pink tongue snakes out to capture the wayward dairy product before it can 
drop to the floor...........whoa boy!  I don't think this is working..............
maybe the therapist needs to come up with another plan.


3:12a.m.
Entry two

I took a cold shower.  That didn't work either.  So I ordered pizza 
instead.

Water Tap Transcripts,
Recorded May 30/2000

Fish 1 : Where is he?

Fish 2 : I don't know.  He's been gone too long. 

Fish 1 : What if he don't come back? We'll STARVE!

Fish 2 :  Calm down.  He always comes back, right?

Fish 1 : That was before, things have changed!!!

Fish 2 : Changed?  He never changes!

Fish 1 : What tank you been swimming in, buddy?  It all changed.
For god sakes, 6 weeks ago there were still four of us .  Now 
it's down to you and me.

Fish 2 : Geez, did you have to remind me.  What a
nightmare!  They were both good fish!

Fish 1 : Yeah.  Good fish, friends, allies. How could he let them go 
belly up like that?

Fish 2 : We should cut him a break. The guys gone so many years ...
finding love and great sex all at one time was bound to make him 
forgetful.

Fish 1 : So, Ned and Bill Bob went to the big tank in the sky in the 
name of great sex?  I don't like it, but I am male fish. I can at least 
respect it.

Fish 2 :  We have to have faith.  He'll be back. Till then, we can
ration that stupid self-feeder thing he dropped in when he 
left.

Fish 1 : Self-feeder?  Are you blind, man?!  It's gone!
We are gonna die!!

Fish 2 :  No, NO!!!  Calm down!  We can handle this: we are *Mulder Fish *!
We have to be just like him - brave, resourcefully, fearless. We already are 
exceptionally good looking fish.

Fish 1 : YEAH!!  Be like Mulder...We'll get out of this tank. 
We'll find Mulder.....WE'LL FIND THE TRUTH !!!!!!!!!

Fish 2 : Ya know, while that sounds really cool and all, how about we 
start with finding a way to get fed?

Fish 1 :  Sorry I got carried away. I always wanted to be Mulder.  
You're right, FOOD.  I'm STARVING MAN, STARVING !!

Fish 2 : What would he do?  WHAT would HE do?!

Fish 1 :  What would Mulder do?  What would he do ?
Wait! I got it! ....  SCCCCUUULLLLYY!!!!  SCUUUUUULLLLEEEEEEE!!!!

Fish 2 : Yeah, he'd do that. I do have to point out, though, he
hasn't used that girly scream in years. It's a plan, a good plan,
but she cant hear us in all this water !

Fish 1 : The water, DAMN!  Always the damn water pushing us down!

Fish 2 : We gotta get outta this tank, buddy.  We gotta get to the 
phone on the desk and CALL SCULLY!

Fish 1 : Do you have a plan, my brilliant finned friend?

Fish 2 : I do!!!  One that would make our lost friend proud.
SWIM!!! SWIM hard !!!

Fish 1 : SWIM... SWIM ... SWIM...  For Mulder, we SWIM!!!

Fish 2 : Swim as hard as you can and leap from the tank. LEAP to the 
phone.....

Fish 1 :  LEAP... LEAP ... LEAP!!! In the name of Mulder, leap!

Fish 2 : Leap to Scully! 
Speed dial #1, leap to Scully, only she can save us now!!

Fish 1 : SCULLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fish 2 : SCULLY! SCULLY!  SCULLLLLLEEEEE...!
::::::: gurgle , gurgle , gurgle :::::::::::::

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