June 2000 - 14

Tales From the Wardrobe
CONTACT

"Finally, we're all together again."

"It's been days."

"Actually it hasn't been as long as I feared it would be."

"Yes it has! FIVE days to be exact."

"That's one hundred and twenty hours!"

"It's been exactly seven thousand, six hundred and forty-three
minutes to be precise! But who's counting?"

"That long?"

"Seems longer."

"But lucky for us Scully didn't get abducted in the meantime."

"Hey, what would have happened to us if she had?"

"Guess we would have been put in storage or something."

"Or given to St Vinnies. That would have been the pits. Imagine
having to work for someone else."

"Yeah, remember some of those poor souls at the Laundromat. They
looked like they'd been to hell and back, on a regular basis."

"Well, life with Scully isn't exactly all White King, you know!"

"No-one's saying it is, White Buttoned But Not Tucked In Shirt. We
know you've been through many horrors over the last couple of years, but she
does take good care of you when you get home, even you have to admit
that."

"Well, yes I suppose."

"Not everyone's as fastidious as Scully. Fancy belonging to someone
like Mulder. Yuck!"

"Yuck's right. I've seen under his bed. And speaking of Mulder..."

"Yes, let's get on with the story."

"I think we need a quick recap to refresh our memories and to fill
in those who were missing last time."

"Hey, I can do that. They were at Mulder's. He missed his chance
when she fell asleep on the couch. But when she woke up again he
successfully managed to lure her into his bedroom for some action!"

"He didn't LURE her. She went willingly...eyes open."

"Yeah, but they were closed when we last saw them. So were his. And
they were doing some vertical folk dancing!"

"They were standing together beside his bed with their arms around
each other. Would you quit trying to wind everyone up, White WalMart
Special Two?"

"Well, Black WalMart Specials One and Two aren't here. Someone
has to keep up their end and besides they asked me to take notes."

"So take notes QUIETLY!"

"Children, please."

"Sorry, Overcoat."

"Sorry, Overcoat."

"So, who's going to take up the tale?"

"I have just a little more to add, and then it's over to the
undies. Hey, where are you guys?"

"We're here, Green Long-sleeved Fitted Sweater."

"You're looking pretty cozy over there. Anything you want to share
with the rest of us?"

"N-no."

"Would you just look at that! I swear to the almighty Seamstress,
he's blushing. I never thought it was possible for a black garment to
blush, but he is."

"You're right he is! Woo hoo!"

"Didn't think he had it in him!"

"It's those quiet ones you have to watch, you know. Come on now,
fess up boy. Whatcha been up to?"

"You leave him alone, or you'll never hear the rest of the story."

"Ooh, is that a threat, Black WalMart Bra Three?"

"Quick on the uptake today, aren't you."

"So it's true then, you two are an ensemble?"

"What of it? Jealous are you, White WalMart Special Two?"

"Hell NO! Why would I be jealous of someone who's had her hooks
into just about every pair of panties who've ever graced these drawers."

"Hey, watch it, buddy. That's my girl you're talkin' about."

"Oh, so you've obviously heard the stories too. You're a braver man
than I thought, mate, or a much thicker one! But she's obviously leading
you round by the crotch so."

"Why you twisted piece of..."

"ENOUGH! I thought we'd got beyond this! The next garment to utter
disparaging words against another or otherwise step out of line in
ANY way is going straight into my pocket - no exceptions. And if it's
outerwear I'll stuff you in the bottom drawer. Is that perfectly clear?"

"Yes, Overcoat."

"I can't HEAR you."

"YES, OVERCOAT"

"Good. Now let's proceed. Green Long-sleeved Fitted Sweater?"

"Okay. So there they were, Mulder and Scully, standing beside his
bed with their eyes closed and their arms around each other. And then Mulder
pulled back a little, moved his hands so that they were holding her head,
tilted it towards him and started to kiss her. Scully's arms went round his
neck and she kissed him back and then after a few minutes she broke the
connection and..."

"They started to rip each other's clothes off!"

"Do I look ripped?"

"Not from where I'm sitting, but I'd be happy to do a more thorough
inspection. Anything to further the cause."

"You're disgusting!"

"Just ignore the little creep. You know he's only trying to annoy
you."

"Pale Blue Jacket is right. Besides you know what they say...the
ones who talk about it the most are the ones who aren't getting any!"

(General laughter)

"Good one, Mauve skirt. What, no comeback, White WalMart Special
Two?"

"Maybe I just enjoy being the butt of your jokes! Get it...BUTT of
your jokes!" (Raucous laughter) "Besides, I know deep down you really
like me. Why don't you come over here and give me a little kiss - on the BUTT,
that is, as in kiss my . . ..Hey, let me go! Overcoat, NO! I don't want to go.
I'll be good, I promise...I'll..." (muffled girly scream)

Silence

"Um, so as I was saying, Scully moved back from Mulder and she put
her hands on the bottom of me as if to pull me over her head. But he put a
hand out to stop her and said quietly, 'Let me?' She looked up at him and then
after only a momentary hesitation nodded her assent."

"Oh, wow."

"So, all power to Mulder! The way it should be!"

"Oh grow up, All Cotton Beige Panties! What is it with all you
panties, anyway? It wasn't like that at all. He made a request and she
agreed. That isn't exactly handing over all power."

"Some like to be dominated."

"Speaking from experience are we?"

"Be nice, guys!"

"He's right, though. Some do like to take a more passive role, shall
we say."

"This is SCULLY we're talking about!"

"Yeah, since when has Scully ever taken a passive role in
anything?"

"There's a time and a place for everything."

"Well this wasn't it...if you'd just let me finish."

"Yeah, stop interrupting will you. With our luck she'll be back
before we've even got to the good bit!"

"Pardon moi. DO continue on to the GOOD bit, s'il vous plait."

"You know, I HATE it when you do that! Just because you once got
yourself tangled up with a stray pair of French panties at the Laundromat . . ."

"Hey! Can you two air your dirty linen stories elsewhere?"

"Yes, shut up. Keep going Green Long-sleeved Fitted Sweater."

"So anyway, then he put his hands on the bottom of me and she
raised her arms for him to remove me. I think his first reaction
was to just drop me on the floor at their feet but then he sort of folded me
haphazardly and threw me on the chair on top of..."

"Me! So then I couldn't see a damn thing."

"Sorry about that. But as I've already explained to you, Black Side
Zipped Skirt's Matching Jacket, I couldn't see anything either. AND I had
creases where there shouldn't have been for quite awhile afterwards, too.
But it was worth it to have his hands all over me for those few seconds. He
has such beautiful hands, so strong and sure and yet so gentle and..."

"Yeah, yeah, we get the picture. Then what?"

"Then it was my turn!"

"What happened, Black Side Zipped Skirt?"

"He found my zip and slid it down smoothly so that I just glided
off her hips down onto the floor. She stepped out of me and I expected her
to pick me up and put me on the chair with the girls but she didn't. She
just left me there. I was quite miffed about that actually. That is SO not
like her."

"Oh, give the girl a break. She had other things on her mind."

"Exactly."

"And at least you made it home again. Unlike Natural Pantyhose
1079."

"Whatever happened to him?"

"Well, he was the next to be peeled off but I think Scully just
kicked him under the bed."

"He's probably still there, poor thing."

"Poor thing, nothing. You forget, I've SEEN what's under there. And
knowing him, albeit briefly, I'd wager he's already got himself tangled up
with one of Mulder's socks, jocks or t-shirts, who seem to populate that
area."

"Or two or three. He was pretty liberal in his tastes as I recall."

"Yeah, he really didn't have any preferences."

"And what a voracious appetite! Guess that comes with knowing your
life-span is very limited."

"Well, half his luck, I say."

"Wonder if we'll ever see him again?"

"Probably not, since Mulder's gone missing."

Silence.

"Oh, come on folks, let's not get maudlin here. Time for me to take
up the story."

"Okay, so Mulder's removed her outer garments and her pantyhose.
Then what, Black WalMart Bra Three?"

"Then he made as if to remove his own shirt but she stopped him
with her hand and a look and he shrugged and let her remove his shirt."

"Is that a passive role? I think NOT!"

"No, definitely not. So anyway she dropped the shirt on the floor. . ."

"Right on top of ME I might add. So then I couldn't see anything
either. Not that I could have seen much anyway since the action
then moved to the bed."

"Oh, diddums. Poor baby."

"Would you just shut..."

"Be nice guys. Remember what happened to...."

"Yeah, remember what happened, Brown Leather Jacket! I'm safe
because I have a story to tell."

"You're not THAT safe. Get on with it."

"Yes, Overcoat. Of course."

"Hey, I was doing the talking."

"Yes but this bit is important. Don't you remember, Black
WalMart Bra Three?"

"Oh yeah. It was quite amusing actually. Go on."

"Well, as I was saying that shirt of Mulder's landed on top of me,
AND the damn wench didn't even apologize either or introduce herself. All
she did was ask the most ridiculous questions like, 'Why does Mulder have
this girl in his bedroom?' This GIRL, mind you...like she'd never seen Scully
before."

"Well, to be fair, she probably hadn't. How often has Scully seen
Mulder in sleepwear?"

"Hey, didn't we agree last time that he wouldn't usually wear any?"

"Oh please, let's not bring that subject up again. Remember what
happened the last time. . ."

"It's okay, Long Charcoal-Grey Jacket. We've patched up the
quarrel, haven't we, Snookums."

"We have indeed, Pookie."

"Oh p-l-ease. I think I liked 'em better when they were feuding."

"Shut up you idiot, unless you really LIKE spending time in
Overcoat's bottomless pockets!"

"Sorry...I'm sorry...really. Can we please just...?"

"So what other questions was this shirt asking?"

"You really wanna know?"

"No."

"YES!"

"Majority rule!"

"Okay, it went something like this. I'll try to do the whining
voice too." (Throat clearing) "'Why is the TV off ?' 'Why is Mulder
sleeping in his bed and not on the couch as usual?' 'What's so special
about THIS girl that Mulder would kiss HER-ER?' 'Why did Mulder take
off HER clothes?' 'Why did Mulder let HER remove me and just cast
me aside on the floor-or?' Actually, she looked like the floor was her
permanent home -- all tatty and wrinkled. 'What do you think is
happening right NOW-OW?' DER-ER...talk about a ditz!"

(General laughter)

"Great impersonation!"

"Thank you. I thought so."

"You poor thing! So what did you say?"

"I told her that Mulder was doing the 'wild thing' with Scully on
the bed and she just started to laugh."

"What a knotted thread!"

"Sounds like she's several stitches short of a seam!"

"Definitely bargain basement material!"

"Or a factory second!"

"You're telling me. And she kept on laughing. In fact she laughed
so much and so loudly that I didn't get to hear anything else. DON'T say
it, Brown Leather Jacket!"

"Okay. But know that I thought it anyway!"

"You're such a. (silence) Anyway, I tried to ask her what was so
funny but she just kept laughing. Finally she managed to get out that Mulder
doesn't actually ever DO the 'wild thing', he just likes to watch. To which
I of course replied that he's obviously been saving himself for Scully.
And that made her laugh even harder and gibber on something about there not
being much saved in the bank because of all the singular withdrawals. . . something
like that. She was barely coherent! I swear, if I wasn't the gentleman I am, I
would have ripped off a sleeve or two."

"You were very long suffering, darling."

"Thank you, MJ. And that wasn't the half of it, because after a few
more minutes this pair of boxers landed on top of us both as well. He
didn't introduce himself either...talk about RUDE. And after he had
managed to convince Miss Giggleshirt that Mulder and Scully were indeed doing
the 'wild thing', the pair of them started to prattle on together in some
sort of code that went like this:
.
Rude Boxers: He started with the 'Amazon Woman' opening gambit.
Miss Giggleshirt: (giggle) Oh, good choice!
Rude Boxers: And then he moved into the 'Bondage Twins part 2'
second maneuver.
Miss Giggleshirt: (more giggles) Wow! That's confidence!
Rude Boxers: And down to the 'Hot Babes 7' middle sequence.
Miss Giggleshirt: He didn't! (giggle) Wow! (giggle) I never dreamed
he could pull that off! How did she react?
Rude Boxers: Exactly like you'd expect. And she countered with that
little move, you know, the 'Come Get Me, Stud' one.
Miss Giggleshirt: Impressive! Perhaps she's shared his obsession at
some point. (giggle, giggle, giggle) Sounds like a perfect match. So
what was next, the 'Horny Chicks 8' teaser? (and you guessed it, more
giggles!)
Rude Boxers: Actually I thought he would have gone for that too but
instead he went with the 'Too Hot To Handle' tongue trick followed by
the..."

"What the hell were they talking about? And why are you boring us
with this garbage?"

"I'm just telling you what they were saying! And there was plenty
more. I know it doesn't make any sense but that's what I had to put up
with."

"They sound positively warped. Let's hope they never find their way
into our laundry hamper."

"Oh, I don't know, sounds kind of kinky to me! Would certainly
liven things up a little!"

"Gee, I'm almost envious of Natural Pantyhose 1079. He'll be in his
element over there."

"You panties are all the same. All you ever think about is sex,
sex, sex!"

"Occupational hazard, I guess. Not that I ever hear you complaining,
Black WalMart Bra One!"

"Children, children, the story, if you don't mind."

"Yes, come on undies, let's get to it. The action's now on the bed
I take it?"

"Ooooh yes, Brown Leather Jacket. And action it was, too!"

"Well, come on Black WalMart Bra Three, don't keep us in
suspense any longer."

"Yeah, hurry up, already!"

"Okay, well as you would expect there was lots of kissing and
stroking and. . ."

"Pumping! Ye haaaaaaaaaah!"

"Be quiet!"

Silence

"There was lots of kissing, stroking and. . . "

"Thrusting! Oh, oh, oh, MULDER!!!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Okay, okay -- just joking!"

"As I was saying, they kissed, and caressed and. . ."

"You said that already."

"Three times!"

"Well, they did a LOT of it! And they.."

"F____d like rabbits for the rest of the night! Ouch. No. Overcoat!
I'm sorry! I won't do it again. PLEASE. I prom."

Silence

"And another one bites the dust! And another one's gone and another
one's gone and another one bites the dust!"

Silence

(Disbelieving laughter)

"Where on Earth did you learn that song, Charcoal Grey Pencil
Skirt?"

"Oh, around! Appropriate don't you think?"

"Um, yeah, sure, whatever. So um, getting back to Mulder and Scully,
did they um, whisper words of love to each other?"

"Actually, Pale Blue Jacket, no, they didn't. They didn't say much
at all. There were just a few words when... But I wasn't in the picture any
more by that stage. I'd been dispatched quite efficiently before then and
consigned to the floor on the other side of the bed. For a guy that hasn't
had sex for awhile, Mulder sure knows his way around bra fastenings!"

"Like someone else I know! So what was said?"

"Over to you, Black WalMart Special Four."

Silence

"Come on, man, hurry up, the suspense is killing me."

Silence

"Black WalMart Special Four?"

"I. . .I can't do this."

"Oh, for goodness sakes. We've waited all this time and now you're
going to hold out on us? I don't believe it."

"Shut up, will you. Give him a break. Not everyone's outgoing and
worldly-wise. And not everyone is comfortable about discussing sex
in public."

"Yeah, but it's not as if he's relating his own exploits for
goodness sake. Although if he'd like to share. . ."

"Don't even think about it!"

"Children, please. Black WalMart Special Four; just take your
time, lad. There's no hurry."

"I'm right here with you, Silkins. You can do it. Just take a few
deep breaths and tell it like you told the four of us that time."

"SILKINS? You call him. . .OUCH! Hey, did you see that, Overcoat? She
pinched me."

"I feel a vacancy opening in my lower left."

"All right,I'm sorry. You have to admit though, it is a weird name
for cotton. OKAY! Shutting up right now, Sir, and moving to the back,
out of reach, just to be on the safe side."

"When, you're ready lad, but don't take too long or Scully'll be
back."

"Okay. (Deep breath). Okay. (Deep breath). Here goes. Well, um,
let's see. After Mulder removed Black WalMart Bra Three and threw her on
the floor, he then spent quite a bit of time kissing and sucking on her um,
you know. And then he eventually kissed and licked his way down to me and
sort of kissed and licked all the way around the front of me and played
with my elastic a little with his fingers and then sort of licked under the
elastic and then reached beneath me and well, you know. And then she was
helping him to remove me and I think they meant to throw me off the bed with
Black WalMart Bra Three but I only made it to the other side of the
bed, so as you can imagine I got to be right there along with them for the
whole thing."

"So give us the details!!!!"

"Every little thing!"

"Um...they did what's usually done, I suppose...I mean they rolled
around a lot and she was on top and then he was on top and then..."

"Oh, this is pathetic! We want DETAILS!"

"Yeah, what he said!"

"A blow by blow account, if you'll pardon the pun!"

"Hey, nice one, Charcoal Grey Pencil Skirt."

"Thank you, White Buttoned But Not Tucked In Shirt. I thought so,
too. So let 's hear it, Black WalMart Special Four."

"I. . .I'm sorry. I just can't."

(Disgruntled groans)

"Can you at least tell us what they said?"

"Well, um, it was basically just one exchange and a couple of words.
She was lying flat on her back and he was kneeling between, um... Anyway,
she said, 'Mulder, no.' And he said. 'Scully, let me...please.' And there was
a short silence and then he said 'please' again."

"And that's it?"

"Basically."

"Well, OBVIOUSLY you must have missed things."

"I reckon!"

"Did you fall asleep or something?"

"As if! It would have been impossible. I was right there with them,
every step of the way, because with all the rolling round they did I
ended up underneath her when he finally um... and I felt every move they
made!"

"Holy, dooly!"

"Man, am I jealous."

"So did you get...you know...wet?"

"Um...no. I wasn't in that particular spot."

"Vigorous, was it?"

"Not really. It was sort of . . .I don't know. . .sweet?.tender? I'm
not good at this."

"So, was he on the top the whole time?"

"No actually, she was on top first and then he rolled her over and
um, they went from there."

"See, I TOLD you our Scully ain't submissive!"

"So what happened when they were done?"

"Did they do it more than once?"

"No, just the once. I really think they were both too exhausted for
anything more. But when they'd stopped he rolled on his side keeping them
um, you know joined together and they kissed some more...gentle kisses. And
then after a few minutes, when he'd um, you know, she turned so that her
back was against his front and he pulled the sheet up to cover them both as
they spooned together. And then he kissed her neck and whispered 'thank
you' in her ear as he wrapped an arm around her. And she whispered 'thank
YOU' back and they snuggled up together. He actually kissed her neck a few
more times before he fell asleep, which was pretty quickly. And he just looked
so happy, like a garment who'd been given the perfect dry-clean."

"Oh, that is so beautiful. Isn't that beautiful?"

"What about Scully? Did she go straight to sleep?"

"No. When Mulder pulled the sheet up...it had got sort of tucked
under them in places during their antics; he sort of flicked me into a
position on top of the sheet. Scully was actually facing in my direction which was
towards the window so I could see her expression quite clearly."

"How did she look?"

"Same as Mulder, I bet."

"Euphoric, even."

"Well, actually she looked kind of thoughtful."

"Thoughtful?"

"As if she was analyzing what had just taken place and deciding
whether or not it had been a good move on her part and what it meant for the
future."

"Typical Scully!"

"You mean, she had regrets? Already?"

"You mean, he didn't satisfy her?"

"No, that's not what I meant. She was VERY satisfied. Words weren't
necessary to get THAT message across, and I don't think she had
regrets. But I do think she was a little concerned about where they were going
to go from there. It took her quite awhile to fall asleep and then of course
she just up and left the next day before he woke."

"She did give him a long look though, before she left him next
morning."

"But she still wasn't exactly smiling, was she."

"Did they ever talk about it? Has anyone ever heard them talk about
it at all?"

"No."

"Nuh."

"Not at all."

"Never."

"So neither of them has ever said those three little words."

"Not that any of us are aware of. Well, except for that time when
Mulder was high on something and jabbering on about Scully saving the world in
1939."

"That was weird!"

"You're telling me. You should have been there!"

"I don't think they need to."

"Need to what?"

"Say the words."

"Of course they do. How else will they know...?"

"They already know. They've known for a long time. Besides, they
didn't just have sex, they made love."

"The difference being?"

"How come you're suddenly an expert, Black WalMart Special Four?
You were too wussy to want to tell us anything at the start and now suddenly
you're an authority?"

"I don't claim to be an authority at all. BUT. . .I was there with
them. And I can tell you for a fact that what went on between them was a
connection far deeper than simple sex. You can scoff all you like but that's the
way it was."

"You mean that's the way you interpreted it."

"No. I mean that's the way it was. The love they have for each other just
radiates around them. No one who was there could have called it any
differently. Not even Black WalMart Specials One and Two."

"Oh, that's right. Pick on someone who isn't here."

"I wasn't picking on. . ."

"He's spot on, though."

"Huh?"

"And you would know, Frilly Black, because. . . ?"

"Because it felt exactly the same the time they did it when I was
there, you know after all that genie thing. Although, of course, they talked a
lot more that time as I've already explained."

"To whom? I haven't heard anything?"

"Me either."

"Or me."

"Or me."

"Perhaps Frilly Black you and your partner might like to tell all
of us what you know."

"But LATER. Because she's ba-ack!"

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