| Hate....i hate being here..i hate living. i hate how i have to be happy, and hate that im always sad. I hate that i have to act nice and hate when im mad. i hate when everything is my fault, and hate that im bad. but most of all i hate...when i can do nothing right at all ...i hate how no one cares for me the way i wish them to. i hate how i spend my life alone and yet spend every hour with my sister. I hate how that man bidded on my plush and gave me so much hope...i hate how he backed out and hate how i cant cope......its not like i was going to spend it on gifts or things for myself...no all that was going to bills. i feel like such a loser, such a failure. i know it seems like nothing at all....i hate it when ppl say they're sorry that that happened to me because...it makes me feel more like a failure. i hate that i have done nothing right in my whole life..i hate how i reject and hate how i love. i hate that i can never make anyone proud....i hate how i mess everything up....I hate being the glue of the family, and hate fixing everything up. i hate how he left me and will never return i hate that i still love him...and how he doesnt care...i hate that i have no father and hate having a mother that reminds me of it......but most of all....i hate being alive to feel all these feelings.... i hate so much to be a failure and i have failed so many times. I have never done one thing right..and if i have i have failed to protect it..everything i touch, everything i try to help turns into a sad failure. I hate how i cry writing these words and hate how i have to hide it. i hate being pittied and hate being ignored.....i hate god and how he turns my prayers against me...i hate how he has abondoned me..and my family..i hate how he made us suffer in the past and hate how he was never there.....i hate how he let my innocents die to the hands of a man,,,,i hate him so much ,,,so very fucking much...I HATE YOU GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!.....why did you abondon me...why dont you care? what have i done to cause you so much hate against me...why do you continue to let me live...why do you not give me the courage to cut through this meaninless skin and end it all?...why? why? WHY?!!?! i hate b eing me...i hate being me....and i hate you for ,,,,everything,hate you for not allowing me to love,...hate you for filling my heart with so much hate....you are just like my father...deaf..and blind to everything i ask for...you dont love me...you never did....how am i supposed to love if..you never taught me? how am i supposed to see if you never showed me? how can i breath when it hurts so much? how can i touch when everything i want is dead.....how can i keep on living when all i want is death?...how...why......why....why god....why? 12/07/02 |
| ErAsE mE Online goodness to enrich your soul 9_9 thats if you still have one *rumages through papers upon papers of signed over souls* mine~ .......................................................... Brought to you by the makers of Lufa...the practice Satan, collect the whole set. ..................... WARNING: Strong content of miss spelling and puncuation follows..did we mention the writer is insane..and a teenager?! |
| ::KEY:: Font= Depression / Font= Angry/ dilusional / Font= Babbling |
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| Oh emi..it hurts to even breath. i dont understand why im crying so hard...i wish you were on..i dont know whats wrong with me..why am i so sad? do you think i should quit making plushies? i dont think anyone would notice im even gone...it hurts you know..to see that no one cares. I've stopped being satisfied with my work so long ago.. but i cant stop...because im so fucking poor! i hate being so poor...i hate it. Did you see? that hatsukoi made a courage plush? maybe im pmsing..heh...but it really hurt to see that. i thought she would be the last person to ever copy anything and it hurts so bad...to see that she did. maybe she didnt copy me ...but..i dont know..maybe im wrong as usual. i really want to quit..i hate that message board...everyone copies and everyone hates. i should have quit long ago, i should have left.. but now that i actually want to ..i cant. isnt that sad? isnt..that so sad? have you ever wished just to die?..i hate being healthy.. i cant fake that i died..if i do "die" they will know that i brought it upon myself, i know im selfish, but it hurts so much just to keep on living. i keep dreaming of him emi..he wont let me heal...i cant get him out of my dreams...i know he doesnt care for me anymore..but i wish he could see how much i suffer for him...and not just for him do i suffer. i hate how jaime's leaving.. i hate how hes done nothing wrong.. and how hes being taken away. im so worried emi..im so worried that we wont have food to eat..that we wont have a house over our head.. i know im exagerating but none the less...im so scared. my moms too old and sick to work and jaime's being taken away...what are we going to do emi...what? do you see why i cant stop living?..i just want to sleep and never wake up ...i just want everything to be normal...i used to laugh at that word...but now i only wish for it. ...emi...why is everything so hard? why cant it be like before? oh emi! please save me....save me..please! no...i know...its out of your hands..i think i'll go lay down now...it hurts so much to breath 12/10/02 |
| Just to update my dedicated listeners ><!!! haha i know funny huh?...anyways >_> the reason i h avent written is...well o_o i've been busy working at the post office ><;; i think being menal is part of the job description and thats probably the only reason i got the job in the first place. o_o okai let me explain..yesterday i was tossing...er i mean placing >_>;; the fragile boxes into sacks when i heard a christmas song in the distance. at first i thought it was coming out from one of the boxes...you know..like a toy or something. >_> it went on for like 5 minutes then i finally turned to my partner and asked her "do you hear that song?" she stopped and listened and at that very moment the music stopped....>< ( okai this happened before, i pressed the search button on the phone, it makes the phone beep so you can locate it when its lost....my sisters bf was over and i asked them "do you h ear the beeping?" and of course the beeping option was left off ><!! so now they make fun of me saying " shh stop....do you hear the beeping?" grrr im not crazy!!..er on with the story) she looks at me all weird and says no. then i shake my head and after like a minute of silence it starts up again. so i stop her once more so she can listen and i can prove to her that im not insane...*cough cough* (yes i know i just set myself up for a joke grr!! i damn you!!! >_>) and the music stops again...then we both laugh >_>;; and she walks away thinking im such a nut ><!!! yea but ...hmm i will tell you a sadder story tomorrow...i dont really want to be sad today 12/18/02 |
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